5329guy

I've been attending a lot of different AA meetings since I quit drinking (I actually attended some meeting before I quit drinking too...boy those were the toughest meetings).

Two questions:

1) I am coming up on 30 days sober (Sunday will be my day 31, meaning that I have completed 30 days without drinking). Regarding a 30 day chip, are you supposed to take it once you have 30 days behind you, so to speak? Or take it on the 30th day?

2) Regarding sponsors: My therapist (who is pretty darn knowledgeable about and familiar with AA) has been recently encouraging me to start looking for a sponsor so that I can begin working the steps. His thinking is that one need not wait to find a "good match/fit", someone I feel I can trust and be 100% honest with, etc. before at least getting a temporary sponsor for the short term so that I can dive right into step work. While I'm naturally reluctant to ask for help from people, I know that my natural tendencies need to be shaken up a bit if I am to eventually thrive in my recovery. With that said, I have recently been talking to some fellow AA'ers about the idea of sponsorship (generally that is, I haven't asked anyone to be my sponsor). Last night after a meeting, I was chatting with an AAer with 18 years, has completed the steps, has a sponsor of his own, etc. about the issue of how to go about finding a sponsor (secretly, I was sort of feeling him out to see if he was interested in being a sponsor).

Somewhat to my surprise, he told me that the right person would come along when the time was right, something to that effect. I ask him whether it was important to find someone as soon as possible, rather than waiting until the opportunity/person sorta presented itself to me. He reaffirmed that (while I shouldn't delay doing so for TOO long), it was better to find the right person before just picking the first person who says they'll do it.

I'm confused. Anyone have any thought or advice?

Action

You can get your 30 day chip after your 30 days sober and do this every week while some only do it once a month. A temporary sponsor will help you get started with the 12 steps while you're looking for a more long term sponsor that might fit you better.

Gottalife

I got the idea early on that it was important, among other things, to have a sponsor to help me with the steps. I looked around for a week or so and there were two men who had an interesting way about them, and spoke in ways I could really understand. I said to the God of my not understanding that I am going to a particular meeting, and whichever one He puts there, I will ask. He put David there, and he was the best sponsor I could have wished for.

tomsteve

Somewhat to my surprise, he told me that the right person would come along when the time was right, something to that effect

soooo- your therapist is encouraging you to get a sponsor,then this man with 18 years is in front of you.............

5329guy

Are you implying that I should ask the man I spoke with to be my sponsor?

5329guy

So you're saying that I can receive a 30 day chip on day 31 of my sobriety, did I get that right?

They hand out weekly chips where you live?

360shoes

Hi 5329!
Great job and congratulations on the 30 days!

I am no expert but can only tell you about me and what I would probably do.

I would probably wait till day 31. Because then day 30 is in the bag! If went to a meeting where they didn't give out a chip on that exact day I would just announce it proudly and ask if anyone wanted to go have coffee and a cupcake with me to celebrate. And if no one did. I would buy myself a cupcake.

As far as working the steps and a sponsor. Kind of the same thing. I don't know all the ins and outs but there is nothing wrong with just throwing it out there at meetings what you need and you are open to suggestions. Be prepared for them. Plenty of folks have them. Most people just want to help. Just remember. Everyone there is dealing with their own stuff so what sounds right for them may not sound right for you.

I think you are doing awesome! Just be honest with the people there. The steps are a guideline for how to live. Some people need help with that asap and some are alright until a connection hits.

You sound like you are doing really well working on living a great sober life. Keep it up and don't be scared to put yourself out there for what you need.

xoxo

Action

So you're saying that I can receive a 30 day chip on day 31 of my sobriety, did I get that right?
Yes



They hand out weekly chips where you live?

not weekly chips but we hand out chips for 24 hour 30, 90 days, 6 months and 9 months daily.

tomsteve

why not?
coulda been your HP at work there.

Ken33xx

Yeah, I liked the fact the man wasn't pushy. Didn't demand he get a sponsor until the OP felt the time was right. .

The OP might consider chatting up the man again. He sounds like a winner and with 18 years has likely seen it all.

5329guy

Thank you so much for the encouragement and suggestions 360shoes! Sometimes I forget to offer that same kind of encouragement to myself (or I completely downplay how far I've come/how much my life has drastically improved in the past month's time), it's really nice to hear someone offer those kind words! The bolded words really helped shake me of my rigid, black and white, formulaic way of thinking. Sometimes (often times?) a one-size-fits-all rule doesn't work best for all people. Thanks for reminding me of that.

I know that, when I eventually do my 4th step, a lot of the naysayers who originally questioned my commitment level (because I came to SR months in advance of quitting and basically announced my future "quit date") will be on it. To be perfectly honest, I still harbor some resentment to those who, without ever having met me and without ever having spoken with me, decided that, in response to my very first post, I couldn't possibly be serious about quitting since I hadn't yet quit. Not sure why I just made mention of that in this thread, I guess I just needed to get it out.

I will keep working on putting myself out there and asking for what I need.

5329guy

Oh, gotcha. Thanks for the clarification Action.

360shoes

Ah shucks 5. See you helped me too. Life is rarely black and white. Actually. Never.

Let the resentment go. Those folks were just doing what they thought was right. They weren't trying to hurt you if I had to guess. No one knows what their life has been like. Be gracious. And just thank them for sharing. We are all flawed humans.

I love how you see how much your life has improved. Imagine your bright future friend.
xoxo
​

5329guy

Very well could've been, tomsteve. I guess I was just confused b/c I was expecting him to say something more along the lines of what my therapist had said (which is something I've seen many AAers also say here on SR).

I also think that I mistook his response to mean that he was subtly telling me that he himself wasn't interested/available to be my sponsor had I asked him. A lot of assumptions, I know. Earlier today I read in another thread from the past few days that some potential sponsors won't go out of their way to volunteer for the position because it is important to them that the sponsee show desire/initiative in the process (thanks August!). That makes a lot of sense to me, perhaps that was part of why the gentleman I spoke with last night after the meeting responded the way he did (at least I HOPE so).

He is new to town and doesn't yet know tons of people so perhaps sponsorship could be a good opportunity for him as well. I've been chatting with him after meetings for a few weeks now and will keep doing so. I suppose I struggle with the idea of picking a sponsor b/c even in my very brief time in AA, I have heard so many men speak and say to myself, man, that guy seems to really have it figured out, seems really solid in his program, etc. With so many great "candidates" (I use that word lightly) out there, I worry about picking the one that's "best" for me and my recovery. Does that make any sense? Can anyone relate to that?

Ken33xx

My first AA meeting was on a Saturday night. I went to the Sunday night meeting and a fellow in his late 20's who got sober when he was 18 told me to call him on Monday. I did and we arranged to meet at a college campus for lunch on Tuesday. While we were eating he began to comment on the young ladies in their late teens early 20's strolling about which I thought was a bit weird. We didn't talk much about AA and I guess he was trying to establish a connection with me first.

After lunch he suggested we jog to the train station. I had to leave for work had to get going.

That was the first and last time we got together.

5329guy

Thanks for weighing in Ken! Reading your post, I was kind of surprised by your very last sentence....could you spell out the moral of the story for the slower folks like myself? Thanks.

Ken33xx

Take your time getting a sponsor. Get to know the person.

Just because someone talks a good game in meetings and has been sober a number of years doesn't mean they are healthy.

August252015

Piping up - first great job on 30 (continuous) days!!!

You can get it on #30, or after. Diff chips would be getting one at multiple/different meetings. On my 1 yr and 2 yr and 3 yr, I think I got 2 chips apiece, because I have 2 main/home groups.

My $0.02 on sponsorship, mine and as a sponsor.

I knew I was committed to AA and done with drinking when I started. I did about 82 of the 90/90 recommended, and I got a sponsor on day 97. Some people get one on day one, or get a temp sponsor. Some meetings might not "call" it a temporary sponsor but you can ask someone. If you get a sponsor- at any time- it is OK to change. I don't like "breakups" but I did steps 1-3 "officially" with my first sponsor (I'd been to meetings and done them internally well before, so to speak), whom I asked because I had listened to her enough that I wanted her guidance. I didn't feel comfortable doing my 4th step with her, and as I had gotten to know a lady in my main group (at the time), I changed.

The point is to get and stay sober.

How you do it is coming from different people's suggestions. While my therapist is incredibly knowledgeable about AA, and addiction, she's not IN AA. So, I'd defer AA program specific decisions to someone in AA who "has what I want." If this long time sober man strikes you to have the kind of life you want, then that's probably sage advice - if what he told you rings true. And, I wasn't up for reading between the lines early on so trying to figure out what he meant is probably just going to frustrate you - you can just ask him, or anyone else- it's not a rude question at all! It's respectful to say "I need a sponsor and am wondering if you have time to take me on?" or some variation. IMO and from experience, I need someone who isn't overextended - some people go the route of focusing on sponsoring as many people as they "can" so it's also a valid question to ask them if they are sponsoring others. It's not bad if they are, but just something for you to feel out as well.

I'd venture that when in doubt of how you're working the program, get a sponsor sooner rather than later.
You are very detailed and organized - but recovery isn't a straight path. We don't check off the steps and once they're done, move on- they have a life and a breath to them as I apply them to my life. Knowing them and then learning to tie them to the situations, feelings, struggles, opportunities - ie life- is what keeps me going as my guide.

What I just told you is how I'm showing my new sponsee (about 45 days sober but I should double check if she's counting every day like I did) - and I'm laying out for her what I was taught and now live - which has the foundations of my first and second sponsor and then my own application.

Really glad you are sharing your path because it is definitely its own great story. Diligence is a good thing - the element of faith and trust in others who have been where you are now and go beyond it is important too.

August252015

BTW in the past couple of months, after about 2.5 yrs with my second sponsor, I am now working with my 3rd. W/o sharing the whole story, my point in telling you this is that some people have the same sponsor for decades - plenty change at some point. The role of sponsee and sponsor are both important in the dynamic - but the pupil/guide role, if you will, changes with time. My strength in recovery is a whole different thing than it was in my first yr, 2d, so on. And my life is different.

I'd urge you not to stress out over stuff- keep it movin' if you will, and take action in these specific ways, knowing that you're not in a do-not-pass-go situation. Just don't drink and keep coming back

Dave42001

Great job on 30 days, Kudos to you!! Keep up the good work!!