snitch

So as it says, any experience on what the difference is between having a resentment against someone (and having a part in that resentment) and just plain disliking someone?. And whilst I am at it a resentment against someone (and again having a part in it) and someone who is toxic and not good to be around?

I am on my step 4 and have been pondering this this evening. Am meeting my sponsor tomorrow but wondered of anyone had any thoughts on this?

Thanks, snitch, a very confused alcoholic lol

Gottalife

One of the first things my sponsor told me was that AA is not a mutual admiration society. In AA as in the rest of the world we are going to meet people we just don't like for one reason or another. It doesn't matter. We don't have to like everyone. I like my friends fine but there are plenty of people in the world with whom I have no desire to form a friendship.

Resentment is usually about a slight, real or imagined, that we have suffered at the hands of someone else. We may have had a part in it, but in anycase the slight remains unforgiven and we remain angry about it. In terms of step four the issue to get at first is the resentment that are current and actively circulating in our minds, keeping us awake at night, creating that knot in the stomach.

I once had to make amends to a woman who might have been described as toxic. She was a serial predator and I had been a willing victim. On the face of it, the stuff she put me through was nasty and could have, in some people's minds, destroyed any chance I had of recovery. However, I eventually recognised my part and asked her forgiveness for that. I don't know that she understood what I was talking about, she just went on to the next guy, but the process set me free and totally removed any resentment.

Just a final thought that while she may still be toxic, she is no longer toxic to me. I could and have sat with her and talked just like I would any other AA member. I aint gonna ask her out on a date though

fini

the main part of resentment is carrying that grudge.
in straightforward dislike, i carry no grudge. basically, i shrug. it doesn’t eat at me. whereas resentment gnaws away.

ScottFromWI

I don't think there's too much difference in my mind. If you don't like someone, it's probably because of something they did or said, or some principle they have that you don't agree with. It's also possible to hold resentments against a group or even a theology/concept/idea or a collective decision.

As it relates to step 4 though, I think it is important to remember that in most cases part of the problem lives inside of us too. That doesn't mean that every one of your enemies will become your good friend, but the only person who can hold a resentment is you, right?

Realest

I would put it all down on your rsbtments list. Be petty. So you get it all down.

DriGuy

Dislike or resentment? Does it make a difference if there is a difference? What we need to pay attention to is how much something is eating away at us. If that is happening, I call it a resentment. It is possible to rid ourselves of resentment, in which case our future feelings toward the other person may range from liking to disliking. However, what I have found is that even if I have successfully dropped a resentment, I may not change my view of the other person. He or she may still be unworthy of my deepest respect. On the other hand, I sometimes find the person to be more likeable.

Hanging on to resentments is one of the best ways I can think of to torment myself. What makes it worse is that I might even suspect the object of my resentment may be deriving great satisfaction out of my misery. I don't know if that would better or worse than the object feeling nothing at all about my plight, which is probably the more likely scenario. Either might be a reason enough in themselves to learn how to drop resentments.

Resentments harm us. They are about as useful as trying to extract revenge on a person by throwing air at him from across the street.

tomsteve

a resentment is an untreated dislike.

August252015

Agree with lots of comments, and just responding to this snitch -

My sponsor helped me sort thru the petty stuff that I could choose to "easily" let go of, make amends as needed (like gottalife said, whether it made sense to the other person or not - it wasn't for them!) and then address the more significant resentments. Get that stuff out so you can move on...

I have to add, too - I really dislike my husband's ex wife. Probably for so-not-unusual reasons. Like, you know, she had three affairs, kept drinking and hurting the kids, is nasty about me...and of course, you know, I am the perfect unicorn of a kind step-mother....see what I mean? I gotta let that go because, honestly, I cannot afford to have her in the middle of my marriage. That's a possibly BIG resentment and most of it isn't even what she's done to me! My average dislike of people, I try not to roll my eyes so to speak, don't spend time around them and if I'm ugly in some (minor) way, provided I do those first two things pretty well, I apologize.

You're at 11 mo and moving, working 4 and have a sponsor, and seem to me to be doing well and asking good questions. Glad you are sharing that "confusion" you said in the OP - makes sense to me!