snitch

So I am on step 4, about to start column 3. I have pages of resentments listed from the most recent to the first one I can ever remember having.

What I am realising sober is how quickly I pick up resentments. They come to me daily over the slightest thing.

For example; today, I went to pick up my daughter from her dad. His granny was there. She made a comment about me rushing and I got a resentment. Then we got to my cousins. My little 2nd cousin who used to play with my daughter all the time but now at 11 barely said hello to her. I got a resentment. My other cousin talks a load of $#$$$$. She talks like she is the font of all knowledge when she has lived the most sheltered life, she goes on about her "wonderful" husband all the time who is a creepy SOB. I got a resentment. They were just 3 examples today but there were more and it is like this daily! I pick up resentments like a mangey dog picks up fleas! Surely this is not normal! I use the sick man Prayer a lot but I am the sick one!!

Help!

DayTrader

heh..... you're doing what IS the help.

in the book, re. resentments, it says pretty clearly how we can't wish them away. Wouldn't that be nice though? Find you you have them, decide that you won't get them anymore and voila - problem solved.

Seeing that you have so little control over getting resentments (usually in spite of NOT wanting to have them anymore and CERTAINLY not wanting any new ones) was an additional glimpse into the first step for me - especially the "-- that our lives had become unmanagable" part. At first I thought they only meant it was unmanagable when I was drinking.

Now that I'm dry, by doing the work, I start to see that even when I'm not drinking I still suffer from that one problem that's the real dilemma for all of us - LACK OF POWER. So how do you get over those resentments....... you're in the middle of it now.... you do your 3rd and 4th column and schedule your 5th step with your sponsor.

snitch

Thanks Mike 😃

August252015

Snitch - agree with Mike - and, also, forgive me if you have shared this before, but are you doing the steps with a sponsor? 4th and 5th are the biggest challenges for many of us and I know I needed a lot of help and understanding from my sponsor.

Tommyh

Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?
that's us sober right there

Nothing counts but thoroughness and honesty when writing...no matter how much writing it takes,anger is poison to us,we must get it out,not suppress it

if only they would just do......like we want them too but they never do...…

in that state of mind, it easily attracts resentments
multiple resentments against one person too

keep writing and keep praying it will get better as you go thru all of the process

Gottalife

Hi Snitch, I am glad you are making great progress.It is funny that when I came into the fellowship I had zero resentment. I could clearly see my part in everything that happened to me and had no one to blame but myself.

However, as I became sober or perhaps dry, I began to pick up resentments like crazy. I got some real stinkers in an early boy meets girl on AA campus deal, and from that came some of the most profound learning experiences of my journey.

Happily I no longer seem prone to resentment. I find it easy to forgive and am quick to make amends.

AAPJ

The only big resentment I have any more is towards me. This is a complete reversal of thinking. I remember when I had plenty of resentments towards others and I was just fine. While my current thinking is far from perfect, I think it's an improvement.

fini

it is useful for me to distinguish between resentments and momentary irritations.
resentments are grudges i caryy, i re(again)-sent(feel)them. nurture them and chew on them.
momentary irritations are more like temporary fly buzzing.

tomsteve

thanks for this. i think the same- resentments dont just happen. for me they begin with a frustration. left untreated turn into grudges and anger. left untreated turn into resentments.

not liking a comment someone has said to me doesnt mean i instantly have a resentment- i just didnt like their comment.if dont take a look at it, THEN it can turn into a resentment.

snitch, this is just my opinion but the resentments werent/arent caused by the comment from granny or your cousin talkin a load of $#$$$$.the resentments towards them 2 have been there for a long time and you should be able to see that in the 4th.

Tommyh

I treat it all like resentments,minor frustrations,pizzed off,anger of any level.Sometimes feeling of being uncomfortable around someone or thinking of someone etc
I am one of those alcoholics that can`t afford any of that stuff and I have found out in my own life,the little things can and will build up over time.I try to treat it all as poision

fini

when there is a fly buzzing irritation, mostly for me it can result in/evoke two different states of mind: one is the momentary thing, annoyance that disappears when the irritating thing stops, and the second is what tomsteve speaks to: the feeding into/adding onto an already existing resentment.
so that is a good clue for me as to where i need to do work.

snitch

Thanks everyone

Step 4 is coming along nicely and more is being revealed on a daily basis!

Love this programme and love hearing all of your experiences.

snitch

My sponsor said exactly the same thing!

And I agree as I getting on paper I can see why 😀

snitch

I do have a sponsor. She is great actually and I have been listening to Joe and Charlie too, their big book study and listening to them talk through step 4 has been really helping me. I also love listening to AA speakers. I listened to Scott L on resentments and and step 4. I adored it. I can't tell you (well I can as you will know yourself!!) how much this programme of recovery is helping me. I am so grateful

dafunbra

^^^THIS!!

And I work on it daily. I cannot carry around resentments. They WILL get me drunk. I look for reasons to be grateful, not to be upset. I have a quiet routine every morning for 30-40 minutes to center myself and prepare for the day. At the end of my day I look back and deliberately think of 5 things I did that were good. Its taken 3 months but I can actually carry a little pride in myself now. I had none when I was drinking. I had a false bravado, but inside was all toxic shame.

snitch

Thanks dafunbra. Makes total sense to me :-)

PeacefulWater12

thanks for all the ESH in here. I like the buzzing fly image. I will use that, to keep things in proper perspective for me.

Good to read of your journey, Snitch. I love the Joe&Charlie talks. They made all the difference for me, they allowed me to really "get" the Big Book. They turned it into words I could understand.

August252015

Glad to hear it! And wondering what you and your sponsor have planned as far as being done with 4, and doing 5 and being done? I found I thought about it in advance, sat down to do the categories of 4 (the first part of resentments taking me a solid 1.5 hr and the others flowing more quickly), and shared with her a week or so later...had the emotional experience of the weight of the doing and the release a week later in a sobbing breakdown...some say that spending too long on 4 (or, on our first 4 as I know people including myself who have done it again later) can stagnate us.

Just a thought to add that I would with a sponsee

Keep going!

Oh, and I have found as I have gone (in just five days past 3 yrs sober) that "living in" steps 1, 10/11 and 12 are my main focus. The daily inventory of 11, is something I do each morning about the day prior, to basically keep new resentments in check and readily addressed. Good for me as part of my daily program.