Relationships and the Program
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 25
Relationships and the Program
I've been sober for three years. I have a sponsor and have done my steps. I was doing really well and living in the steps and the program. Then, I got into a relationship about a year ago. I have a lot of trauma when it comes to relationships and I thought I had worked through that. But, I've found myself getting very much into self and ego again. I feel I have to "protect" myself, even though this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I take his non-jealousy and non-constant attention as him not caring. I get angry and irritable and think about what I can get from him more than what I can gain. I am jealous and needy. How can I use the program in my relationships? I'm trying so hard to get back to my higher power and align my will with His. I feel like I'm going back to the person I was in my addiction. Thank you for your help in advance. And please, don't tell m that maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship. My partner is amazing and is also in the program and I want to work through this rather than running away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
did you do a sex inventory part of the 4th step?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
OP - I assume you are female. IME sex inventories are more frequently needed by males as most females have a less aggressive/using approach to sex. Does not mean you should not do a sex inventory. Just perhaps it's not the biggest need in your case. What is a need for you is to look carefully at your partner. My guess is that your past relationships lacked the key elements of trust and co-commitment. If your current guy has positive behavior traits don't fall into the trap of judging him by your past bad choices. Make the assumption that sober you is better able to pick a partner.
I have told my wife that sometimes I suffer from the sins of her past male relationships. We are both AA members. Amazingly we have gone from 20s drunks to sober parents in our late 50s.
I have told my wife that sometimes I suffer from the sins of her past male relationships. We are both AA members. Amazingly we have gone from 20s drunks to sober parents in our late 50s.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
My husband and I are both in the program. In addition to our individual programs and my intense focus on living in recovery for work also, we go to an awesome counselor. It was supposed to be a pre-marital thing but then we got married earlier than planned so we've been doing it for about 6 months, every 6 wks or so. I will have 3 yr sober next wk and he will in June- learning how to have different kinds of relationships than either of us had before, and with different communication needs, styles, character defects on and on - the outside help for US (not about how to deal with the kids (his) or other stuff) is very useful.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I like companionship or fellowship instead of the relationship word
A old timer told me relationships = expectations which = resentment which = a drunk.He went thru 6 wives and learned that but number 7 worked because he changed his attitude
from chapter 4,we agnostics
For the first time, he lived in conscious companionship with his Creator. My friend told me if this author and himself could live with a conscience companionship with their Creator ,he could do the same with a wife.He did for a long time.
I also had 2 old timers tell me when I was new to take good things into my marriage......give not receive first
A old timer told me relationships = expectations which = resentment which = a drunk.He went thru 6 wives and learned that but number 7 worked because he changed his attitude
from chapter 4,we agnostics
For the first time, he lived in conscious companionship with his Creator. My friend told me if this author and himself could live with a conscience companionship with their Creator ,he could do the same with a wife.He did for a long time.
I also had 2 old timers tell me when I was new to take good things into my marriage......give not receive first
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I was taught by some pretty awesome ppl to take statements in the Big Book, turn them into questions, and ask them about me. At first it was really a challenge to be honest in my answers. Denial and delusion, I found, were very much a part of my life well into "sobriety" and, I suspect, are still bigger players in my life today than I'd like them to be.
When I was in your position superstaroxox, here are the ones I asked myself.
Who's will is this relationship? - Tough to answer but there was a LOT of evidence that pointed to it being MY will mostly. I too was really only interested in answers that led to fixing it because it was NOT my will to be out of the relationship. I had plans and a fixed end-point and I was only interested in staying on the course I HAD laid out.
Is it possible I'm again being the actor on page 60-63?
Have I decided how my life should be / what it should look like and who should be in it or not in it?
Are my plans flexible, like those of a good soldier, willing to go whatever direction God leads me or have I been playing General again?
Is it possible that even though I've been through the steps, based upon my current actions, I'm currently displaying more signs of non-recovery than recovery?
If ^^^^ that one is true, is it possible I missed something (maybe a lot) in my first round through the work and now I need to re-double my efforts? (even if it means going through them again at a deeper level (which I'm capable of because I've been practicing the recovery program for a while and I'm better at it now than I was my first on my first go through the steps)?
Why do I insist that this relationship is "good" when it seems like, even though I'm certainly getting some benefits from it, it seems to be a magnifying glass for my defects?
Is just liking the benefits of the relationship enough of a reason to stay in it? --Didn't I make that same rationalization with drinking for a long time - accepting all the bad things because of the couple good things which I really liked?
Is this relationship rewarding for the other person? Are my actions and behaviors things they should just have to put up with because I really enjoy the benefits I GET from being in the relationship? Do they deserve more, even if that means they should be dating someone other than me? Am I willing to let the other person move on (if that were a possibility) to a healthier relationship because I love them and want them to be happy............ or am I really just in this for MY own happiness?
Am I "using" this other person / this relationship as a substitute for my Higher Power? Haven't I placed my happiness as being contingent upon this relationship working?
Is it possible God has other plans for me and am I willing to even look at those plans if it means I shouldn't be in this relationship? .....or am I pretty much hell bent on finding only the "god plans" that are in line with me staying in the relationship?
Have I made a decision based upon self (I'm lonely - I need a boyfriend/girlfriend and they should be in my life to make me happy) that has once again placed me in a position to be harmed (ie, the accelerated display of some very harmful defects on my part)?
Do I think I'll be able this time, to wrest happiness and satisfaction from life if only I manage this relationship well?
Do my actions point toward me on the path of DOING God's will or, am I trying to enforce MY version of what I want God's will to be? --and if this is so, I wonder, How long might I stay sober if I'm back to running my life the way I want it to go - insisting reality around me conform to my wishes?
There are more......but those are a good start. Most of those questions really angered me - big time. My answers the first 50x I answered them in my mind were guarded, dishonest, and full of fear. I was defensive. Gee Mike, when were you always defensive? - well, when you're being selfish and self centered but trying to rationalize it. When your walking God's path Michael, you've never been defensive or angry.
From the book:
We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
and
We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.
It became pretty obvious to me that I was back to playing God, running the show, and even though there were some positives (great girl in my life, more sobriety time under my belt, etc), it was obvious to me that I was backsliding big time - spiritually. Eventually it got to the point where I could see that even if I DIDN'T drink my life was becoming as miserable as it had ever been. I was hating myself and truly scared about all the defects that were back into prominent positions. I started to see that I'd taken this person and the relationship, inserted them into my life as my current Higher Power and through them.......I'd be happy. That's what I had hoped anyway. What I was seeing in my behavior though, did NOT make me happy and I had to face the facts that even though I was thinking I was living a spiritual life because I prayed, meditated, worked the steps a while back and sponsored people........ my actions currently were indicative more of someone in addiction (only addicted to the person and/or the relationship) than someone in recovery doing God's will and thinking mostly of others and how I can meet THEIR needs rather than thinking of myself and what I can do to keep this thing going to make ME happy.
When I was in your position superstaroxox, here are the ones I asked myself.
Who's will is this relationship? - Tough to answer but there was a LOT of evidence that pointed to it being MY will mostly. I too was really only interested in answers that led to fixing it because it was NOT my will to be out of the relationship. I had plans and a fixed end-point and I was only interested in staying on the course I HAD laid out.
Is it possible I'm again being the actor on page 60-63?
Have I decided how my life should be / what it should look like and who should be in it or not in it?
Are my plans flexible, like those of a good soldier, willing to go whatever direction God leads me or have I been playing General again?
Is it possible that even though I've been through the steps, based upon my current actions, I'm currently displaying more signs of non-recovery than recovery?
If ^^^^ that one is true, is it possible I missed something (maybe a lot) in my first round through the work and now I need to re-double my efforts? (even if it means going through them again at a deeper level (which I'm capable of because I've been practicing the recovery program for a while and I'm better at it now than I was my first on my first go through the steps)?
Why do I insist that this relationship is "good" when it seems like, even though I'm certainly getting some benefits from it, it seems to be a magnifying glass for my defects?
Is just liking the benefits of the relationship enough of a reason to stay in it? --Didn't I make that same rationalization with drinking for a long time - accepting all the bad things because of the couple good things which I really liked?
Is this relationship rewarding for the other person? Are my actions and behaviors things they should just have to put up with because I really enjoy the benefits I GET from being in the relationship? Do they deserve more, even if that means they should be dating someone other than me? Am I willing to let the other person move on (if that were a possibility) to a healthier relationship because I love them and want them to be happy............ or am I really just in this for MY own happiness?
Am I "using" this other person / this relationship as a substitute for my Higher Power? Haven't I placed my happiness as being contingent upon this relationship working?
Is it possible God has other plans for me and am I willing to even look at those plans if it means I shouldn't be in this relationship? .....or am I pretty much hell bent on finding only the "god plans" that are in line with me staying in the relationship?
Have I made a decision based upon self (I'm lonely - I need a boyfriend/girlfriend and they should be in my life to make me happy) that has once again placed me in a position to be harmed (ie, the accelerated display of some very harmful defects on my part)?
Do I think I'll be able this time, to wrest happiness and satisfaction from life if only I manage this relationship well?
Do my actions point toward me on the path of DOING God's will or, am I trying to enforce MY version of what I want God's will to be? --and if this is so, I wonder, How long might I stay sober if I'm back to running my life the way I want it to go - insisting reality around me conform to my wishes?
There are more......but those are a good start. Most of those questions really angered me - big time. My answers the first 50x I answered them in my mind were guarded, dishonest, and full of fear. I was defensive. Gee Mike, when were you always defensive? - well, when you're being selfish and self centered but trying to rationalize it. When your walking God's path Michael, you've never been defensive or angry.
From the book:
We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
and
We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.
It became pretty obvious to me that I was back to playing God, running the show, and even though there were some positives (great girl in my life, more sobriety time under my belt, etc), it was obvious to me that I was backsliding big time - spiritually. Eventually it got to the point where I could see that even if I DIDN'T drink my life was becoming as miserable as it had ever been. I was hating myself and truly scared about all the defects that were back into prominent positions. I started to see that I'd taken this person and the relationship, inserted them into my life as my current Higher Power and through them.......I'd be happy. That's what I had hoped anyway. What I was seeing in my behavior though, did NOT make me happy and I had to face the facts that even though I was thinking I was living a spiritual life because I prayed, meditated, worked the steps a while back and sponsored people........ my actions currently were indicative more of someone in addiction (only addicted to the person and/or the relationship) than someone in recovery doing God's will and thinking mostly of others and how I can meet THEIR needs rather than thinking of myself and what I can do to keep this thing going to make ME happy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Washington State USA
Posts: 79
That was an awesome post, I agree with August. Those are some tough questions which I can ask myself and try to answer honestly. I've been married 30 years and this relationship is still challenging. My wife and I are in the AA program but recently I have been investigating C0-Dependant stuff. Thanks for the post Day T.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
You mentioned previous trauma. I don't know anything about that other than it could be beyond the scope of AA, and that it can be very debilitating.
What I do know is that professional help in areas such as this can be much more effective if the sufferer has got sober and removed alcoholism as a complicating factor. The program certainly suggests we make use of the professionals when it is required. Something to think about?
What I do know is that professional help in areas such as this can be much more effective if the sufferer has got sober and removed alcoholism as a complicating factor. The program certainly suggests we make use of the professionals when it is required. Something to think about?
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