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Sponsor Gets Called Out.

Old 01-27-2019, 12:31 AM
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Sponsor Gets Called Out.

So, I’m at the meeting last night and the usual regulars are in attendance. However, there was an old-timer I didn’t know well with some 30 years of sobriety. He no longer lives in the area but was in town on business.

Maybe halfway through the meeting one of the regulars shared he wanted to get something off his chest.

Apparently the old-timer at one time had been his sponsor. The regular went on to say he was hurt when his ex-sponsor wouldn't return his phone calls. He said he told the man a few years back that he was coming out of the closet. That he was gay.

At which point the regular claims his former sponsor dropped him like a hot potato. He went on to say he felt very hurt at the time but now was angry. Then he stood up and left the room.

Fortunately, someone jumped in to share and broke the awkward silence. I like the member who was upset but he was out of line. This should have been conducted in private after the meeting.

Just another Saturday night in AA but with a bit of drama.
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Old 01-27-2019, 01:08 AM
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Ken,

Definitely awkward. Could have been worse for sure.

I haven't been to a ton of AA meetings, but there were always folks that created drama at everyone of them. I figured it was part of the deal.

Thanks.
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Old 01-27-2019, 03:18 AM
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Here, that person would have been stopped by the chair if the chair was leading the meeting well. This should have been something this sponsee discussed with his former sponsor - it had no business being done in the meeting. It's cross talk in very heightened form. Personally, I would have left the meeting myself.
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Old 01-27-2019, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by D122y View Post
I haven't been to a ton of AA meetings, but there were always folks that created drama
Thanks.
I was at one where an actual fist fight broke out, and what was even more odd was that it was between a man and a woman. As socially inappropriate as that should be, it was a fight I would call "not evenly matched" as the woman was very big, even thunderous big, and the guy was a frail little man. Frankly, I would have laid 2 to 1 odds on the woman. It was broken up swiftly, and the woman left the building, while the guy sat down satisfied that he had gotten in his licks and asserted himself with authority.

Then some guy, not the chair person, stands up and says, "Remember; Whatever happens in an AA meeting is not to be discussed outside." At that comment, a young woman around college age, burst out laughing uncontrollably, and when she finished, punctuated her outburst with a concise observation, "Yeah, right! Like that's not gonna' happen."

Everyone else was just sitting there looking dumbfounded, but it was the main gossip that occupied social get togethers for the next week, and was probably public knowledge on the streets an hour after the meeting.
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Old 01-27-2019, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
I was at one where an actual fist fight broke out, and what was even more odd was that it was between a man and a woman. As socially inappropriate as that should be, it was a fight I would call "not evenly matched" as the woman was very big, even thunderous big, and the guy was a frail little man. Frankly, I would have laid 2 to 1 odds on the woman. It was broken up swiftly, and the woman left the building, while the guy sat down satisfied that he had gotten in his licks and asserted himself with authority.

Then some guy, not the chair person, stands up and says, "Remember; Whatever happens in an AA meeting is not to be discussed outside." At that comment, a young woman around college age, burst out laughing uncontrollably, and when she finished, punctuated her outburst with a concise observation, "Yeah, right! Like that's not gonna' happen."

Everyone else was just sitting there looking dumbfounded, but it was the main gossip that occupied social get togethers for the next week, and was probably public knowledge on the streets an hour after the meeting.
With the ease of texting the word likely spread before the young woman finished laughing.
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Old 01-27-2019, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
...

I was at one where an actual fist fight broke out, and what was even more odd was that it was between a man and a woman. As socially inappropriate as that should be, it was a fight I would call "not evenly matched" as the woman was very big, even thunderous big, and the guy was a frail little man. Frankly, I would have laid 2 to 1 odds on the woman. It was broken up swiftly, and the woman left the building, while the guy sat down satisfied that he had gotten in his licks and asserted himself with authority.

Then some guy, not the chair person, stands up and says, "Remember; Whatever happens in an AA meeting is not to be discussed outside." At that comment, a young woman around college age, burst out laughing uncontrollably, and when she finished, punctuated her outburst with a concise observation, "Yeah, right! Like that's not gonna' happen."

Everyone else was just sitting there looking dumbfounded, but it was the main gossip that occupied social get togethers for the next week, and was probably public knowledge on the streets an hour after the meeting.
Don't know how true this story is but the gossip was about an AA couple who had gotten divorced. The man wasn't happy about the breakup and wanted his ex-wife back.

One day a rock star that was on tour showed up at a meeting. He arrived in a limo which was parked outside.

After the meeting the ex-wife followed the rocker into the limo.

The ex-husband started to whimper, "please don't go, please don't go.".

The ex-wife then turned and gave him the finger before shutting the limo door.

Ouch!
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Old 01-27-2019, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
Don't know how true this story is but the gossip was about an AA couple who had gotten divorced. The man wasn't happy about the breakup and wanted his ex-wife back.

One day a rock star that was on tour showed up at a meeting. He arrived in a limo which was parked outside.

After the meeting the ex-wife followed the rocker into the limo.

The ex-husband started to whimper,
"[Baby,] please don't go,
[Baby,]please don't go.".

The ex-wife then turned and gave him the finger before shutting the limo door.
Ouch!
LOL. I'm going to say... "Not true," on that one. Although if it happened at a meeting in Nashville or Chicago in 1935, I'd give it an even chance.

I also edited the ex-husband's whimper in brackets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EOwNItKOyo
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Old 01-27-2019, 05:46 AM
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Fighting and most of the stuff y'all have described should get people kicked out of a meeting IMMEDIATELY. At large clubhouses here, some people will get suspended, a few even banned, from attending. Program over personalities should always apply.
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Old 01-27-2019, 06:03 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Fighting and most of the stuff y'all have described should get people kicked out of a meeting IMMEDIATELY. At large clubhouses here, some people will get suspended, a few even banned, from attending. Program over personalities should always apply.

I called the police on a member that assaulted another member during a meeting some twenty years ago. By the time the police officer arrived the fellow who did the punching had left.

But not before he had a few choice words for me since I was the one who called the cops.

F-it. I don't need this.

I stayed away from that meeting until I heard the member in question had moved far away.

I've been attending AA meetings over 25 years and today can usually spot a member that is bad news. That has a nasty temper.

I want nothing to do with them.
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Old 01-27-2019, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
LOL. I'm going to say... "Not true," on that one. Although if it happened at a meeting in Nashville or Chicago in 1935, I'd give it an even chance.

I also edited the ex-husband's whimper in brackets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EOwNItKOyo
No, it's supposedly a true story. But you never really know what happened unless you were actually there.

Once heard about a member who is said to have put a sleeper hold on another member after the two exchanged words. Weird.

Fortunately, physical altercations which occur during a meeting or right after are rare in my experience.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:11 AM
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On my journey, I have slowly learned to to stick to my ESH. Over the years I have seen and heard a lot of things that at first appeared to me to have no business taking place at a meeting of AA. I now take the view that whatever goes on in a meetings, no matter how outrageous or out of place they might seem, they are indeed still about alcoholism and recovery. They all haves lessons for me, especially about my alcoholism and my recovery. Whether particular events become part of my ESH to share later is a decision that takes careful consideration into my motives because I hope to only move forward in recovery and minimize detours. At any rate, that is my story to date, and I am sticking to it. :~)
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Old 01-27-2019, 10:44 PM
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I've been to a LOT of AA meetings all around the USA. Out of the hundreds of meetings I've been to, I've seen a few awkward moments and a few times the chairperson would shut someone down who was getting into an area they shouldn't for whatever reason. And thats it. I really like going to AA meetings. I love my home group. There is one meeting here I really don't like, and I don't attend that one. But overall and highly weighted towards the good, I haven't seen anything like the claims here. Not saying they didn't happen, but it is not in my experience.
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Old 01-28-2019, 03:12 AM
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Interesting situation. Some folks have suggested that the chairperson should have shut this down. I see this a little differently. In AA, the meeting chairperson is a volunteer service position. Just like every other service position in AA. Now perhaps the AA meetings in our geographic area are different but we often have a shortage of folks who are available to chair meetings. Put a bit differently I have never experienced any form of competition for any service position at any AA meeting I have ever attended. Despite all the AA preaching about how beneficial service positions are to one's recovery we seem to have a shortage of folks with the time and inclination to take all of the service positions at the meetings I attend. So here is a guy/gal who has agreed to lead a meeting and perhaps find new speakers for each meeting. Most of them are in no way qualified to understand how to manage conflicts in the meetings. They just took the service position because they knew the group needed someone and they were willing/available to do so. Each and every one of them have my appreciation and gratitude for taking a service position.

In my view when it comes to unexpected conflicts/problems that occur in an AA meeting we (all of us who are in that meeting) are equally responsible for resolving it. To put this additional burden solely on the poor person who happens to be the volunteer chairperson is just asking too much.
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Old 01-28-2019, 03:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
So, I’m at the meeting last night and the usual regulars are in attendance. However, there was an old-timer I didn’t know well with some 30 years of sobriety. He no longer lives in the area but was in town on business.

Maybe halfway through the meeting one of the regulars shared he wanted to get something off his chest.

Apparently the old-timer at one time had been his sponsor. The regular went on to say he was hurt when his ex-sponsor wouldn't return his phone calls. He said he told the man a few years back that he was coming out of the closet. That he was gay.

At which point the regular claims his former sponsor dropped him like a hot potato. He went on to say he felt very hurt at the time but now was angry. Then he stood up and left the room.

Fortunately, someone jumped in to share and broke the awkward silence. I like the member who was upset but he was out of line. This should have been conducted in private after the meeting.

Just another Saturday night in AA but with a bit of drama.


Ken,one thing,we do have a solution for the anger as you know
I leave the drama alone and focus on what we can help with,the anger
I`ve sat in meetings similier to that before and I always offer the solution
most times they ignore it,they prefer the insanity
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Old 01-28-2019, 04:55 AM
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From "How it Works"
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own
making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic
is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he
usually doesn’t think so.

And from "Working With Others"
After all, our problems were of our own making.

I hope the guy who walked out is eventually able to see these truths in his own program.
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Old 01-28-2019, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by dafunbra View Post
I love my home group. There is one meeting here I really don't like, and I don't attend that one. But overall and highly weighted towards the good, I haven't seen anything like the claims here. Not saying they didn't happen, but it is not in my experience.
The first response that came to my mind was, "Well, I wish it wasn't in my experience either," but shocking as it was, I've seen a lot more pitiful behaviors during my life in other places. And on the positive side like you, I've had countless good experiences in AA that outweigh one wildly bizarre situation. I would rather it never happened, but on the other hand, no serious consequences came from it. What I picked up from others was mostly people shaking off the experience as the behavior of two really messed up emotional cripples, and members at that end of the room did intervene shortly after it started. Although no one was banned from meetings, and I don't know how such a ban could have been leveled without some central committee or leadership to do it.
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Old 01-28-2019, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by AAPJ View Post
Interesting situation. Some folks have suggested that the chairperson should have shut this down. I see this a little differently. In AA, the meeting chairperson is a volunteer service position. Just like every other service position in AA. Now perhaps the AA meetings in our geographic area are different but we often have a shortage of folks who are available to chair meetings.
I've been in meetings in several places, and as a rule there doesn't seem to be much organizational management at the meeting level. At times, one person might usually chair a meeting, but if he doesn't show up, as would often be the case, someone would ask, "Is anyone willing to chair the meeting tonight?" Inevitably, someone would say, "Yeah, sure, I'll do it," and no more discussion or objection would follow. The only big responsibility (which was usually taken very seriously) was for the person with the key to the meeting place. If he didn't show up, which I've only seen happen once, people got rightly upset.

I do remember one petty squabble where a couple of members accused a guy that usually ran one meeting of not being willing to give others a chance. I was not there. I only heard about it from one disgruntled member. I found it odd, because I'd never witnessed a situation where people wanted to lead, and everyone or anyone filled in when someone was needed to open a meeting, and no one really cared who ran the thing. It seemed to run fine that way.

But human nature is such that as soon as a group reaches a membership of two, a conflict is likely to follow.
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