BlownOne

So my good friend (don't really consider him my sponsor anymore) has relapsed yet again. I would think after the last time he maybe would have doubled down on his efforts at making the necessary changes to his 'program' to avoid this. He's not doing the work. That simple. His drunken ramblings are full of self pity and resentment. Yuck. And he apparently hasn't suffered enough consequences yet to want to make those changes. As for me, I'm thinking now that I've been enabling him too much. (I'm the one who winds up taking care of his dogs when he winds up in detox for 3 days). Not doing that anymore. Next time I'm just gonna call the cops and let them decide what to do with him. He knows darn well once he picks up he cannot stop on his own, and everyone else has to pick up the slack and take over his responsibilities.

CAPTAINZING2000

It’s sad to watch someone’s life being destroyed.

CaiHong

Helping someone out and enabling, I would love to hear more discussion on this.
The other day I got a phone call from a previous guest at the rehab where I work, she had started drinking again and had to caterer for a wedding the following day, I offered to help her and bring another volunteer, a trained chef. I had expected to work alongside her,ease her workload and provide emotional support instead she got pissed and went to her hotel room and passed out, she had been drinking early in the morning, she didn't surface till late afternoon.
Yesterday I received a text saying how grateful she was, I havent replied because I feel that I enabled her that day, I don't want to text, "your welcome", as if it's perfectly OK because it's not. I want her to feel shame and remorse for that day, not because I want her to suffer but I want her to know and feel the consequences of her drinking ,to hopefully bring about the rock bottom that may initiate that change. I look back and identify with her and I remember shame and remorse for letting people down and behaving badly, I believe that in part it led me to sobriety.

The big book is wise in saying if the person is not ready don't waste your time and effort, she hasn't admitted to being an alcoholic, it's mitigating circumstances, a glitch, something she is going through. I wish I could help but I know I can't until she sees it for herself.

Thanks blown for bringing this topic up.
The dogs are the innocent victims in all of this, I would have looked after the dogs, just because I like dogs.

CaiHong

Dave42001

Thanks for the share, tough situation. Sending prayers your way.

DayTrader

Just my personal opinion - I have no issue with allowing the repercussions of one's lifestyle to fully impact them.

I didn't used to think this way. In the past I probably would have said to NOT help would be mean-spirited. Having gone through the ringer myself though, and looking back now through the clarity of hindsight, my opinion has changed. It was PRECISELY the consequences of my lifestyle, as painful and uncomfortable as they were at the time, that "drove" me to seek a solution - a real solution, not just another temporary fix. I, like probably everyone here, eventually hit the point where the pain of living my life as I had been......as best I could.......was no longer tolerable. It was no longer acceptable.

I look back at the pain in my past, the heartbreak, the disappointment, the self-loathing, the hatred I carried for those around me who failed to help me and/or bail me out of the troubles I created and the sheer discomfort that I had come to accept as "just how my life is going to be from now one I guess...." as one heck of a BLESSING. I'm thankful for every single bit of it - because that group of hideous four horsemen (for me it was maybe more like 9 horsemen.....lol) forced me to begin to seek a Power in my life other than me to solve my problem because it was obvious I just wasn't up to the task.

fini

well, there is a difference between “enabling” him and looking afte4 his dogs when they will be neglected. one can do the latter without doing the former.

blueberry2015

I think some boundaries need to be put in place here. This is issue is clearly having an impact on you which in turn can have an impact on your recovery. I would make it clear that if he telephones you drunk you will end the call - and do it. You can also if you wish sever all contact with this person too. You are perfectly entitled to do this. Establish what you are and are not prepared to do for this person and stick to it.