Am I expecting too much from my sponsor?
 

I have had a really hard time staying sober over the past several years. I got a sponsor about a year ago who has stuck with me through several relapses. She's been wonderful and I am so grateful to her. BUT, when she told me two weeks ago to go ahead and do my fourth step, I sat down and spent seven hours straight getting it done. I feel like part of my problem in the past is that I kept dragging my feet on it and never did do it. So I was so proud and excited, but now she can't find the time to get with me to do my fifth step! I don't know if I should look for someone else to do the step with, maybe even look for another sponsor? Or am I being a nutcase? She has a very busy life, new partner, new job, new house, big changes in her life. But I don't want to end up relapsing again. I want to move forward with my steps!
Anyone have any suggestions or experience?

Sober369,
i did my fifth with a nun trained in hearing it and listening.

if you trust the sponsor and trust the issue is one of them not having the proper time to give to you and this important step, you might consider going to someone else for this, such as a minister or other experienced person.

I took mine with my sponsor and it worked out fine. That is not always the case. One of the problems sponsors face is that there is no direction in the book on how to hear a fifth step. Maybe that is one reason there is no direct recommendation to use an AA member for this purpose.

The book suggest we think very carefully about who hears this step. The wrong choice can be absolutely devastating in so many ways.

Can the person keep it confidential, do they understand what you are driving at? Will they be non judgemental? These are critical questions.

There are a good number of options outside if AA. In my experience, probably the best has been the clergy, who are actually trained to do this work. I have seen consistent good results where people have chosen this path. I have seen variable results using sponsors, myself included as a poor sponsor in the past.

As a sponsor, anyone I sponsor is free to take their fifth with whoever they think best. It is their decision. I don't need to hear a fifth to know someone has done it by the way. It shines out like you wouldn't believe.

Delay is the deadliest form of denial ( Parkinson's law). Keep going, you a just a step away from feeling a real change inside.

I'm going to make two guesses based upon what I've done when I've been in similar situations....
1. I'm guessing you haven't prayed about it.
2. I'm guessing you haven't talked to your sponsor about it.

Maybe you have. Maybe you've come clean with her, got no response or a response you didn't like, did a lot of praying and those prayers led you here.

Many times when my sponsor has done something I don't like or isn't doing things I want him to do, I go on a "recruitment drive" and look for people to feel sorry for me and give me advice on what to do. Funny thing is it seems like no matter what that advice is, it always seems stupid to me. lol. Someone will say ditch him....and I think "well, they just don't know him." Then when someone says I'm being selfish, I think, "well, they just don't know him OR me...." In the end, when I REALLY go to that God I made a decision to turn things over to in the 3rd step, the one I decided was everything in the 2nd step, and the one I determined can always take me beyond whatever level of knowledge or understanding I'm currently at........ I end up getting the answer I need.

Thanks everyone. Very helpful responses.
You're right Day Trader, I hadn't prayed about it. I forget that a lot. I did sort of talk to her, I left her a message. But I just said, lets pick a time soon so I can get this thing out of my house, I'm afraid someone will read it. I didn't really explain that I think she doesn't have the time it takes to sponsor me. That sounds so rude. But if we don't get a time set soon, I will. Honesty is important, I know.
Going to pray about it this morning.
Thanks to you all!

As a sponsor, I would Never ask someone to complete their 4th step without having a commitment for the 5th step.

Sitting on a 4th step is not suggested, time for a 5th now~5th step or a fifth bottle, your choice. Please find someone to share your 5th with and move through 6 & 7 That Night!

Peace be with you

Thanks sugarbear, I know you're right! We made an appointment for Friday. That will be close to three weeks since I did the step. But at least we've got it planned! I'll make sure she knows about doing 6 and 7 that night.

It took me about two weeks to find time to do the 5th step with my sponsor. Well worth the wait!

Given your past behavior with dragging your feet on this step, it's very possible your sponsor didn't think you'd complete it so quickly. Given her busy life and your past behavior, I would not hold this against her as a sponsor.

Glad to hear you have made arrangements to get it done. :)

My experience: my 5th step took a long to get to because my sponsor was busy with family and work obligations. I let fear take over my head although I didn't pick up.

My sponsor said that I should've been reading 84-88 every morning (and doing what it said) while waiting for her to have time to hear my 5th step. She wanted me to learn how to depend on God and not on her.

I sometimes wonder if since I took a long time to do my 4th step, if she just kinda had me wait to do my 5th step so I could learn the lesson. I'm not sure.

I don't think you're asking too much from your sponsor but we do have to also realize people have lives and are busy. A 5th step can take a long time sometimes.

Also if you're worried about someone reading your inventory, cross out names or words and just put a hint or something to jog your memory during your 5th step. Or hide your inventory where it won't be found, like in a knap sack you don't use regularly or something like that.

Keep us posted.

Really simply we learn in Recovery to drop fear and speak honestly with those about us.

Great to know you dealt with this difficult situation and made that date.

Worst case...alcoholism might have tricked you into taking a drink and (dishonestly) blaming your sponsor. As you've proved with an honest desire to stay sober we don't fall for that so easily...but take the often uncomfortable path towards sobriety instead :)

P

keep writing until your sponsor if free to hear it

heh...... and if you want to practice some honesty, put a new entry in your inventory. Something like:
Column 1 - My sponsor Linda
Column 2 - didnt make time to hear my 5th step
Col.umn 3 - Affects my
Column 4.......now look at where you've been selfish, dishonest, self seeking and afraid.

My sponsor has been on almost every inventory I've written. ;)

YES. THIS.

It's so simple but it works.

I expect nothing from my sponsor and I appreciate any time he has at his convenience.

I did my fifth step with my priest. I hadn't been to confession in over 40 years. It was a whopper.

I did tell my sponsor my two biggest fifth step items when he had time. Mostly because I wanted him to know I trusted him.