Reprieve

PS - I don't mean to sound like I am the be all and end all of everything aa. Not at all, I am usually the person in the back of the room just going with the flow. But being here in such a small community I can't help but see the dynamics and hear the struggles of people around me, and I have started doing more service at the group and district level as a way to try and make a difference. We are such a small district that service positions are actually available and you can do them if you want (mostly). So, this is all a huge growing experience for me - which is why I am asking you all for your ideas and suggestions. : )

paulokes

Unity is so important to this fellowship. Some meetings are geared towards particular folks based on age, gender, gender orientation, interests (bikers etc), experience (veterans etc). These can be useful for the purpose of identification but unhelpful where they become divisive or forget that our "common bond" is alcoholism and nothing else. "Restrictive" meetings are meetings which go further and say only women, or only men are welcome for example. Some Intergroups allow these, some let them run themselves but refuse to 'endorse' them as they run against AAs traditions and might be refusing to offer the hand of AA to someone who needs it. A meeting that would turn away any alcoholic in need is not carrying the same message I have been taught to carry.

Primary Purpose and singleness of purpose...the idea that a meeting is only there to help us recover from Alcoholismand nothing else...also becomes pertinent.

"Special" meetings such as the one described in my experience can have an ulterior motive. ..the "message" is being passed in particular way, or with a particular slant, members identify with the group above the fellowship...Lots of problems lie that way.

I would certainly avoid. It's a shame these things rear their head from time to time.

Always reminds me while there are few 'rules' in AA the Traditions are not arbitrary. ..they come from hard won experience.

I once attended a Big Book Study group which was important to me but the message became twisted. Folks would say they had been sick in AA for many years until they found this group. They expressed their gratitude to the group instead of the fellowship. Members loudly complained about other groups and other members who carried the wrong message. A subtle distortion of the AA message which IMO became unhealthy. A string of newcomers came, relapsed and didn't come back. I couldn't help thinking this group should have been more focused on the message it carried instead of the message other groups should have been carrying. It finally collapsed...ego and competition became the groups downfall and they forgot about the principles of Unity.


P

CAPTAINZING2000

Any meeting in my area notified NY of our existence.

Reasons for starting a new group vary, but the ways to go about it are basically the same.

Important to establishing an A.A. group is the need for one as expressed by at least two or three alcoholics; the cooperation of other A.A. members; a meeting place; a coffeepot; A.A. literature and meeting lists; and other supplies.

Once the group is off to a good start, it would be helpful to announce its presence to neighboring groups; your local Intergroup (central) office, if there is one; your district and area committees; and the General Service Office. These sources can provide much support.

To list your A.A. group with G.S.O., click on the New Group Form below. Complete and return the form to G.S.O., Box 459, Grand Central Station, New York, NY 10163.

Please see below for suggested reading. We suggest you pay particular attention to the section “Naming an A.A. Group” in the pamphlet “The A.A. Group”

Each new group receives a complimentary handbook and a small supply of literature at no charge when it registers with the G.S.O (one of the many services made possible by the regular support of other A.A. groups and individual members).

Alcoholics Anonymous : Starting a New A.A. Group


Just guessing, that there are a lot of meetings held in private for celebrities.
A good friend of mine works for the federal government and has to do a lot of meetings in D.C. You've got my curiosity up. I'm going to ask him if he has ever attended a meeting there with any politicians.



AA at the start, most meetings were held at someone's home. Glad the meetings are mostly done now in public facilities.

Berrybean

I reckon there are a few people who're stuck with this clique (NOT a meeting at all in my humble opinion) who probably envy your position and wish they'd never got embroiled in it.

Blessings are often quite well disguised. I'd treasure this one if I were you, and meanwhile stay open to helping those unfortunates who get spat out by that little group when they're not willing to go against the traditions or along with the ringleader(s).

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Pathwaytofree

This is very interesting. I was at a new meeting and it seems very tightly controlled by one specific woman. None of her "girls" seem to ever sponsor others or speak. I even asked one of her girls some questions about how she did her step work, and found it interesting.

The matriarch ran over and interjected into the conversation. But when I asked the matriarch to then show me how she teaches the steps, she didn't answer me. It didn't sit right with me. It seemed cultish. And I sensed that the girls weren't as spiritually far along as they should be by now. Which means there's something missing in the step work that's being taught.

Reprieve

I really appreciate these comments, and definitely agree with what the women above just said. I lived in another small-ish town (really, just about the same size population) and definitely saw what they are describing. It was awful and the main matriarch was very cruel to outsiders, myself included. She would tell me that I needed a sponsor - but would never help me or speak to me. I didn't get it at the time, but now I do.

Agree about the spirituality of the members, we should be growing as we go along in time and if our inner self is not getting stronger and our connection to a Greater Being getting deeper than something isn't right. One day, yes we may be someone who sponsors a (small) group of people but hopefully it is because people might want what we have and not because they are bullied or cowed into it. Incredibly sad, wow. But you guys definitely encourage me to continue to be open, honest and willing and to have a gentle and friendly hand for newcomers and others. We can learn patience from the impatient, tolerance from the intolerant, kindness from the unkind. : )

Glad we have a neutral forum to share these concerns and ideas with each other. Thank you all -

paulokes

Post 62 resonates with me also. There is a Matriarch in my area also who passes on her own special method of working these steps. The tools she passes on are not the same ones I have been given or that I hear shared by others in AA. Above all she creates a strong dependence on herself in the folks she talks to.

It's a shame these groups can seem so attractive but their members are never given the tools to set them free.

CODA or Al anon beckon for many of these particular oldtimers

P

Ken33xx

My guess is the woman believes only those who work the AA program the "correct" way can attend.

O.k. that's her prerogative.

However, she can't list the meeting in the local AA directory.

Reprieve

I love al anon and codependence anonymous ! they have taught me so much healthy recovery, emotional sobriety is so important. And many of those coda founders started in AA but moved on into other areas for healing work. John Bradshaw, Melody Beatty, great work -

Ken33xx

Sure you notice them. It's easy to spot the sometimes weird dynamics in a small AA community. Most of my sobriety has been spent in area with limited access to meetings. However, in larger cities you can easily gravitate towards meetings one feels comfortable.

Much of the infighting I've seen over the years in a small AA community isn't so apparent in big cities because there are plenty of meetings to attend.

In a small community you've this person saying this is how it's done and another person saying that's not true and a third saying something else.

You can end up with up with two or even three meetings splitting the 8-15 regulars on the same night around the same time.

Personally I'm so over all the AA drama.

SoberCAH

Your comparison is very funny and, I think, spot-on.

SoberCAH

I wish I could communicate with the effect and brevity you exhibit.

I couldn't agree more with you.

I'm at meetings to try to do some good and to help myself stay sober.

For me, though, my relationship with God is everything all day long.

Reprieve

SoberCAH, you sound very straight forward and speak very well yourself. : )

I have been talking to some of the other outsider ladies and we are talking about starting a normal womens' 12 and 12 meeting (since we have almost no literature meetings here), it would be a great way to stay deep in the literature and also really strengthen our community and our recovery as sober women. While it would be great if everyone could do well in mixed meetings, many women struggle with some of the sexual aspects and just being all ladies can be very freeing and safe for women, especially new in recovery. I also feel that men benefit by working with each other, of course. : )

Thank you everyone for such awesome comments, I am not ready to move and maybe my higher power has me here for a reason - to help make a difference for the local recovery community. I am no mother theresa of course, but if I can make some healthy changes then I am happy to do my part in service. I certainly owe aa my life, that's for sure.

DayTrader

heh - don't go searching my post history then.... brevity is a gift I RARELY exhibit.

And make no mistake, I had about 4 other answers I reeeeally wanted to type - answers based in ego, judgment, my conviction that I'm God and KNOW the right answer and so on......

Carpathia

This might be slightly off-topic, but it may help somebody.

I shared at a one-gender meeting and my share wasn't strong on the AA hope continuum....I'm guessing. Because after I shared, someone cross-talked at me, saying sarcastically, "way to carry the message" or something to that effect.

I rarely speak at that meeting anymore, though I know I should.

I understand I need to place principles before personalities. My needs are just as important as anyone else's needs.

If I have to share about a trouble in my life that may take me back out, I should share it and not worry about the "correctness" of my message. Besides, if I'm honest enough to be sharing about a difficulty, it's not a scripted message so much as an SOS, which is part and parcel of AA's reason for existence.

That said, it is so very difficult rising above the behaviors and opinions of others in order to help oneself achieve sobriety. It takes a higher power to do it. But isn't that what the fellowship is all about?

Ken33xx

Peer pressure to conform can be quite strong in some AA meetings. Pressure to share only the positive regardless of what is actually going on.

Nevertheless cross talk is rarely if ever allowed which I feel is a good rule.

tomsteve

and that can screw a newcomer over. they can think everything will be sunshine,daisies, and unicorns after working the steps.
then an unexpected bill comes in.
a child gets in trouble in school.
problems at work arise.

i have no problem, no matter the meeting, sharing some of my hardships in recovery.
and if someone doesnt like that, there IS a solution for them.

seems there are meetings that have that matriarch/patriarch thing going on everywhere.
my old HG had a problem with it. quite a few people saw it and tried to stop it- tried to get the spirit of rotation to change( it was with the meetings and the clubhouse the meeting was held).
amazingly scheduled business and GC meetings mysteriously changed dates without notice- amazingly always to an earlier date. that way the people that wanted change couldnt voice,motion,or vote.

and now that meeting and clubhouse is close to closing.
past experience seems to show that meetings that stray from the primary purpose and start getting the governing bodies and extra rules/regulations past the 12 traditions eventually fail/close/end.

but what a blessing for the meetings that stick to the primary purpose and traditions!
im still amazed a little meeting in podunk,mi( there really is a podunk,mi, but im not referring to that one here. )- population 300- has been alive and well for over 50 years.

Ken33xx

Sometimes when life has slammed you to the ground all you can say is I didn't pick up a drink today.

And you know what? That's still a big deal to me.

I understand that my concerns/problems are of little interest to others in the room. So I try to share how I've learned to deal with adversity which usually means not making the problem worse.

A key component of my recovery is I have never forgotten where my life was the last couple of years before I walked into an AA meeting for the first time. Discussing AA in the abstract is fine but I am more interested in how members handle deal with the ups/down of life outside the rooms. Which AA tools did you use and how did they help you?


seems there are meetings that have that matriarch/patriarch thing going on everywhere.

Yeah, a lot of meetings are little fiefdoms where a few old-timers/regulars set the tone but it is what it is.

I've learned how to deal with uncomfortable situations and set boundaries in the fellowship. It is one thing to listen to someone drone on and one. Yet, something else to have a member feel because we're both in AA apply subtle pressure to socialize away from the rooms. Over the years I have found most in AA likeable but as with co-workers I don't necessary want to meet up on the weekends. Coffee, cookies and a ten minute chat after meetings? Count me in.

But then I have to go.

Ken33xx

Just to follow up: If a member has a problem I will listen but there are people in AA who are drama magnets or have a personality I am not comfortable being around.

For my own well-being I need to set boundaries.

DayTrader

I think it's safe to say we've all felt the urge to disregard the traditions and dump our problems on a meeting. I've sure done it. I had no regard for anyone but myself at the time and while I may have had some temporary relief, it was always fleeting. Usually by the time I got home I was right back to where I started.

When I was new I thought it was appropriate and necessary to "share my day" with the group. Experience has taught me that my purpose at a meeting and in recovery period is to help someone else. I've spent the majority of my life trying to look out for me and mostly what it yielded was an ever more destructive ego, guilt, shame, feelings that it was never going to get better........aka "untreated alcoholism."

I've found the best time and place to share my day is with my sponsor - the guy who has the courage to remind me my problems are NOT the events in my life or the things that I think are happening to me but my constant reflection on them (aka- resentment) and my constant self-centered thinking.

I'm not in this deal for relief anymore. Relief is the booby prize. I want freedom. I want that complete psychic change where my serenity is based on an inner condition not on the events in my life lining up the way I want them to or think they need to.