Pathwaytofree

You are not terminally unique. ;-)

We've all been where you are right now.

You're already seeing truths if you see how behaviors (and may I add thinking) which started early in life seem to have continued... And yes once you see them in black and white, you can do something about it. You'll learn about that in steps 6 and 7. :-)

Keep writing. More will be revealed.

Pathwaytofree

Weev... we've all been there. Know that the 4th step is going to help you grow. Your disease is just fighting to hold on to controlling you right now. Keep turning to your HP and ask Him to help you. Facing up to truths is a very strong and powerful thing to do. Do not sit in self-pity, remorse, or morbid reflection. Do the next set of instructions your sponsor gives you. Be grateful your HP is helping you truly get sober. You will have a chance to clean up the wreckage of our past, and live a happy, joyous and free life. Recovery is a beautiful thing.

Give yourself time. I was told early on "How do you eat an elephant? One small bite at a time". Yes I know it's a stupid saying, but it makes sense. Recovery is a journey. It's okay if it doesn't always feel good. Sit with it. It will get easier. Keep turning to your HP for strength, courage, direction, and love.

Focus on yourself and where you are right in this moment. Everything is okay. Don't let fear get the best of you. That's just your mind lying to you.

Keep writing!!!!!!! :-)

WeaverBird

I have just had the worst craving for vodka I've had for weeks and it was in a meeting.
Has this happened to anyone?
It was an angry meeting and one after another people were complaining about their days. I did manage to speak but I was looking at people and thinking I'm just not like you.
Can't get anyone on the phone.
I'm stunned the drink was there like I'd never been away from it. I did try to pray but I think my own mounting anger got in the way.
I'm out of my depth.
Not even sure if I should be posting this here, so my apologies for that too. Weev

nez

Hell yeah you should be, no apologies needed. It is better to resort to the keyboard, rather than to resort to the bottle.

I know for me, many times just verbalizing "I need help", even if no one was present to hear it, helped to redirect my thoughts and to derail the hell-bound train.

A person, with recovery that admire, always says that she only uses two prayers. "Help" and "Thank you".

She says that she keeps them short and sweet because any further words are superfluous and unnecessary as her higher power is ahead of the curve and doesn't need any further input.

WeaverBird

Hi nez, pleased to meet you. I really liked what you got to say. Made me smile 😊 Especially "derail the hell-bound train." or brain in my case!!!

Made a bit of an a£&@ of myself at meeting (again).

All I thought was "I have nothing in common with you people" and that was it. My friend the vodka bottle. A total lie cos I've been to 90 meetings now and met hundreds of alcoholics and they have all done things like me. I love the lot of them normally!!! Apart from a handful who I could probably learn from.

I've got nowhere else to go except AA. It's working too. The alternative - alcohol. The BB says it's an obsession and it is. I couldn't think of anything else. Well, I got to bed sober in the end.
I hope you're ok. I don't know where you are in the world but I hope you have peace with your higher power.

tomsteve

welcome to AA weev!
sometimes theres just really bad meetings. imagine that- a group of drunks cant be all happy,joyous, and free all the time!?!?!?!?!?!?!
ive been to some really bad meetings and allowed it to change how i was feeling. even been to meetings and had just about the same thing occur. somewhat like,"these people are just blahblahblah. i feelin like some jim beam now!"
which id get home and open up my big book.i got into the habit of opening to pg 66 and reading the 2nd paragraph on.
with a little paragraph on pg 68 really helping me many times.

im glad ya made it to bed!
any chance ya "intuitively" knew the best course of action was to go to bed?

WeaverBird

Dear tomsteve, I do love you so. I hope all is well with you and yours.

The meeting did change how I was feeling.
I liked what the BB said - To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.
These days I'm glad I'm not God. It says somewhere we have quit playing God and it's nice not to have the responsibility.

That's it. It says resentments shut us off from the sunlight of the spirit. Like I said, anger means you can't get that contact with your HP. Hah! Dumb as a brick. They really have nailed what alcoholism is in that book.
So I've got to avoid anger.
I don't like the prayer on p68 but I'll have a go. Perhaps they are sick. What do I know.

Also, what you said is true. I've slept in my own bed from about 10.30 onwards for 78 days in a row. I like that. Like a respectable person 😄

Ken33xx

Posting here and getting this off your chest was smart.

I've been sober a while now but when I walk through an airport I still notice the bars and when walking down the aisle of a supermarket I see the booze. I'm a recovering alcoholic and find nothing unusual about such behavior.

As far as meetings go... They can be hit and miss.

Did you pick up a drink today? No? Then it's all good.

WeaverBird

Thanks K. I didn't know really what the obsession with alcohol was about until last night. I swear I was seeing the room through a ocean of vodka. It's left me with an uneasy feeling today. And a better idea of how massive addiction is.

Perhaps I believed that thing that so many people who aren't addicts believe. He could stop if he wanted to. He's weak-willed. Like it was a matter of willpower or self-indulgent or something. I've got 79 days but I don't feel at all safe in my sobriety. Another meeting tonight.

Thank goodness for our worldwide network of alcoholics and for you being here last night. I hope you have a peaceful day.

Gottalife

Hi weev,
I think you have already worked out it is the steps and not the meetings that result in the removal of the obsession. This becomes really clear with the tenth step promises, bottom of page 84.

"We have ceased fighting anything or anyone- even a,cool. For by this time salinity will have returned . We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted we recoil as if from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude towards liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

This is my experience too, though when I first read these words they meant nothing because they were beyond my experience.

But imagine a life completely free of the obsession, where you can go anywhere, do anything you like without obsessing about alcohol. Imagine not having to hide away, avoid people or events just because alcohol is involved. Imagine being able to grow and experience life without that crippling obsession. That is what your higher power can do for you.

Grungehead

"We have ceased fighting anything or anyone- even a,cool. For by this time salinity will have returned ."

Gotta love auto correct.

But Gottalife is correct, it's the steps that removed my obsession. The meetings did help me keep my salinity though until my sanity returned.

WeaverBird

That made me giggle, Grungehead

“We have ceased writing anything or anyone - even a cool post on SR. For by this time our electrolytes will have returned.”

I did my Step5 today. I was expecting tears and emotional exhaustion and a battle not to run to the vodka.

But no. I finished and was happy. I think I thought I was totally evil or something. It was a relief just to find out I have a few bad behaviours. And those can be (auto)corrected.

Going to bed, the world seems like a different place.

Love and thanks to you all. You're gonna be in my prayers tonight

SoberCAH

For me, when I got first got sober I tried to get to meet as many old-timers as I could.

I go to AA for recovery.

I'm seeking a positive result.

I'm there to recover, not to complain.

If a meeting you attend chronically devolves into a gripe session, you may want to find another meeting.

We're certainly glad you're here with us, pursuing the AA program and keeping us apprised as to your efforts.

Gottalife

That is wonderful news Weev. I felt the same way, and I was blown away by the step 5 promises, all of which I had now experienced. These guys were telling me the truth, I realized, and it was much more straight forward to get on with the rest of the steps. The world sure does change.

"We feel we are in the broad highway walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe."

However I still need to improve my poof Redding skills. I thought I might try prawn and medication.

sugarbear1

steps 6 and 7 need to be done now

WeaverBird

Thanks guys

For some reason prawn and medication makes me think of a packet of crisps/chips. A new, exciting flavour. I'd buy it.

I'm not happy today. Haven't had a connection with my HP. Don't know how to stop this feeling that no-one wants me. This is a bit blunt, but I feel like a piece of garbage. I certainly behaved that way.

I'll talk to my sponsor before the meeting about step6.

WeaverBird

My sponsor said we've done steps 6 and 7 when I read through them in the BB after I got home from doing step5.

Feels like a bit of an anti-climax.

Gottalife

Weev,
There are a couple of possible reasons you might not be feeling to good right now. The first step five promise is "Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted." A single secret kept will undermine the whole process, remember that the most important reason we take this step is that we may not overcome drinking if we don't.

But that may not be it. Sometimes the choice of who hears our fifth, and their reaction, can really blow us out of the water.

A couple of years back I had the privilege of taking four newcomer through the steps in the back to basics format. I ended up with four because there were not enough sharing partners to go round.

I don't insist on hearing a fifth myself, I usually recommend a priest, but make it clear it is their choice. Three guys went to different priests or vicars ( who incidentally get training in hearing fifth steps) and they all came back delighted. The fourth, a really likeable young man, went to his sponsor, who judged, criticized and bullied all the way through. The poor guy came back absolutely gutted, feeling like a piece of garbage. He had done his part and been sadly let down by someone who did not know what they were doing. It happens. The solution, painful as it seems, is to do it again with someone competent.