Family tension with recovery
 

I just need to vent and meetings dont run this late where im at now. Im 45 days in and living with family. My family isnt alcoholics, but they do always talk to me about it and try to give advice, out of love. but theyre older, very conservative, hardlined people who dont really understand alcoholism. to them, its something ill just mature out of (im 22).

They admit that they dont get it, but everyday they give me a lecture on how i think negatively (because i tell them i cant control my drinking, i cant stop on my own and ill probably die if i keep doing it). I try to avoid alcoholism or recovery conversations with them, but they bring it up a lot and its just been getting to me.

I really can't stand trying to do the right thing and being told I'm doing the wrong thing. Its not out of a need to control me, its out of concern, but they tend to yell and I can't yell back because they're letting me stay here rather than live on the street. I was so wound up today I was considering shooting myself (which is the thought I always run to).

I just needed to vent this frustration out. I am thinking if I would have been better off in a halfway house since the people there would understand alcoholism and difficult feelings. Anybody been thru something similar?

Normies never have and never will "Get It." I found the support I needed in AA It was obvious from the first meeting that these people knew what it was like to be me. They said they had a solution to have a great life without alcohol and I started to listen

I found permanent recovery at the age of 22, so it can be done. Like you I had to learn that the family are the last people to come around. A couple of mine never did.

In my step four, which I got into around the four week mark, I discovered I had done an awful lot to make them like this. I really put my family through the wringer. They were constantly worried and even though I was on a good path to sobriety, they didn't know this. Their experience was that I would eventually fail and they would be picking up the pieces.

I think all loving families probably feel like this, and they do what they do out of love firstly, and perhaps ignorance.

I took my father along to a couple of AA meetings to show him what I was doing. That seemed to help quite a bit.

I'm struggling through a similar issue, but as others have pointed out to me, only those who have struggled through this can truly understand what you're feeling. Even then, you know what's best for you.

If you think your drinking is a problem, then it probably is. Anything that makes you unhappy or causes problems in your life is worth addressing.

Best wishes with your recovery.

:)

Unstable its better to understand than be understood , why not pick up some literature at some meetings and give it to them so it gives them some insight into whats happening , it does not help of you are being uncommunicative with your parents because after all they seem to be genuinely concerned . Why don't you get some info on Alanon and give it to them , or as Mike suggested take them along to an open meeting , its a family illness and a family recovery , do not cut yourself off through selfishness , take care.

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

You are only 45 days in. At 6 weeks things feel pretty raw. I still have moments where I get resentful and frustrated with family to the point I want to explode. I fall in fits of depression and self pity even now at almost four years sober. It does get better. Just give it time. Get through each day and start setting goals for you life whatever it is you want to do. I started seriously drinking at your age and the abuse lasted 23 years, you have a whole life ahead of you friend. Don't let this current situation get you down.

good on ya for 45 days, unstable!
which I hope that username changes in the future. :)
it can be a bugger when meetings aren't available, that's why I have many phone numbers. I can call just about anyone at any time.

families can be a bugger and you sure are getting some learning experiences now!
you could have went to a halfway house, but sooner or later this was going to happen. and apparently your HP is sayin sooner! I hate it when my HP gives me lessons when im not ready or don't want them, but how else are we to learn to live life on lifes terms?

im thinkin the suggestion for giving them literature is a good one. imo, getting a copy of the big book for them and when the questions come in, you could simply say," the first 164 pages in the big book can explain it better than I can at this time."
you could also have a little conversation with them, something like," im very glad your supporting me and my recovery and are very interested in learning about alcoholism. but in all honesty at this time I dont fully understand it and don't know how to explain it and when I get all these questions about something I don't fully understand and cant explain, it really frustrates me.
but the big book explains it very well."

unstable, youre doing the right thing. it reads like your parents have some unresolved issues themselves. they are sick,too.

Doesn't the big book suggest the sponsor also get involved with the family? Mine did, and it certainly helped their understanding and also gave them a bit of confidence that the people I was working with were genuine and had a real solution.

Al-Anon ?
 

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Stevie's suggestion about Al-Anon literature is spot on, IMHO.

Here's a little of our family's experience with AA's sister fellowship:

Ten years ago, I gave some Al-Anon literature to my sister-in-law.
She still reads it and goes to a meeting once a week.
It can be a good way for non-alcoholic family members to understand their alcoholic loved ones -- be they sober, or not.
I asked her which literature would be most appropriate for parents.
She’s going to a parent focused meeting tonight.
She says it really helps her, even though it's not her children who are alcoholic.
Hopefully she'll tell me which book(s) are best.

My wife went to a couple of meetings.
It wasn’t for her.
She only stayed long enough to learn that I was doing the right thing.
But, she went back to introduce her friend to the programme.

My mother went when she accepted the fact that her husband was an alcoholic/addict.
It helped her through a very difficult marriage and an unpleasant divorce.

I have been to one Al-Anon meeting as a guest speaker.
Some of the experiences they shared were truly inspiring.
Some were sad.
Although I do qualify as an Al-Anon member, AA is the place for me.

Sounds like your parents may not be open to suggestion, Unstable.
But, if they read (with an open mind?) any literature you were to give them, it just might help your family.

In our experience: Alcoholism is definitely a family illness.

My suggestion is to tell them kindly (one last time) that you will not discuss your recovery with them. When it is brought up, excuse yourself from the conversation / room if you have to. There is no value in sticking around and getting upset - it's ok if they don't see it the same way.

This is the kind of thing we alcoholics have to figure out how to handle without numbing out with the booze. You can do this, I have faith in you!