BlueFairy

I posted this on the one year an over thread but no ones on so I thought I'd reach out here.
Hey guys. I know I haven't been on for a long time but I'm kind of bummed right now. I was basically just "dumped" by my sponsor lol. She keeps saying my step one isn't good enough and she actually said she didn't think I was an alcoholic and maybe I should try drinking again to feel how I'm powerless over it lol. I don't think so... I'm a year and a month sober but I don't even want to go there--plus I just don't want to drink ever again. Not even interested. I was doing the steps on my own until I got to step 4 and didn't understand it. I didn't do any work until 4 because I just didn't understand there was work--it was just like....step one--check and on until 4. She offered to be my sponsor but I've never felt the need to talk to anyone. I don't have urges to drink that would actually make me drink anyway. Maybe she's right I don't know. Thanks to her I did start going to Adult children of Alcoholics and absolutely Fit Right In. I felt more in tuned with that than any aa meeting I've been to I also went to Al anon and will keep going to both. I still would like to complete the steps but I know I can't do them by myself so maybe I'll just take a break for now and work on the aca and al anon steps, maybe find a sponsor through those. I'm pretty sure on the trail of yesterdays big wins for Hillary that that had something to do with her 'dumping' me-- she was a big Bernie supporter and I'm very active in Hillary's campaign it shouldn't have anything to do with it but I know it does--it's too bad. I'll still go to my home group and another one close by my house but I'd really like to be able to discuss the steps and be able to sponsor people eventually. I don't know. Have any of you ever been dumped by a sponsor. I'd do other groups but unfortunately it's all we have around here.

BlueFairy

I posted on some other forums but there doesn't seem to be anyone around and I'm upset right now. Today my sponsor dumped me. She was adamant that I couldn't admit enough 'powerless over alcohol' stuff. I don't know. I made a huge list on how I had been powerless over alcohol-- and all the ways, but I really don't want to drink now and have been sober a year and a month. So just because I don't want to drink she said she couldn't work with me because I won't admit I'm powerless over alcohol. Which I have. She even went as far as to suggest I drink again just to understand it's effects on me. I may not have uncontrollable urges to drink but please do not suggest to me I'm not an alcoholic! I know I am. I do want to work the steps and for that I need a sponsor. I got up to step 4 by myself and felt like it was stuff that really helped me and I want to be able to sponsor someone maybe sometime--people have asked me-- but because I haven't worked the steps, I haven't been able to. I may not have these horrible cravings (sorry but I read a reeally great book--how to stop drinking the easy way by Allen Carr and I haven't wanted to drink really since then) but I want to learn to live my life. I heard in a meeting once--not drinking is easy. Living Life is hard. Sponsor said that's not what aa is for. I'm sure I could easily say oh--I'll just control my drinking but I know that doesn't work. she suggested that too--maybe go back to just controlling my drinking. Unbelievable. I think she just wanted to get rid of me because I am a big Hillary supporter and she was a big Bernie Bro. and in lie of yesterdays big day--she was just done with me. Help! Am I just a fraud? Do I not need AA? I like AA and it's the Only thing around here--no rational recovery or anything else like it.

fini

BlueFairy,
no-one here could know if you need AA, if you're a fraud, a "real" alcoholic or not.
i had a "moment of clarity" and some kind of shift happened and i could stop drinking and not return to it.
not wanting or needing to drink since then is irrelevant to the fact i was powerless in the years prior to that.

if you are convinced your sponsor "dumped" you because you have different opinions about politics, then it's just as well you two parted ways. because if that's the case, and she can't see past that to the step-stuff, then she's not able to focus on the work at hand or practice the principles inherent in it.

but there are many other perspectives possible here, and quite possibly she sees something that you don't.
and if she feels for whatever reason that she's unable to go through this process with you, then it's an honest thing to do to tell you so.
i decided to say good-bye to the sponsoring process to someone who seemed unwilling to showing up to both "the work" and simply to weekly meeting, and i spent a lot of time examining my motives and just sitting with things before i had clarity on the right thing to do.
possibly your ex-sponsor did, too, and saw it as the only way forward for whatever reason.

i realize it's a bit unusual to start the step-work when you've been sober a while and have no desire or need to drink; i was in the same situation. possibly this sponsor-person simply cannot fathom or accept that reality.

what kind of help are you looking for with your post?
if

BlueFairy

I don't know what I want. Was just upset. I'm pretty sure it was mostly the political aspect she also stopped ride sharing with me to the meeting. I've learned lately not everyone has to like me and that's ok but to tell me I don't have a problem with drinking and to suggest I start drinking is telling me she doesn't have my best interests at heart. Gonna go to a meeting lol...try to figure stuff out.

fini

just to add:

the thing about "at certain times the alcoholic has no effective defense against the first drink" (i believe that's the correct quote, but could be wrong).

i believe that's so.
my own experience was exactly that.
and so, when i could finally stop after the turn-around moment, it was easy to believe i had somehow found or manufactured a defense. and that not returning to drinking for quite a while was something i'd be able to continue at will.
but my own experience contradicts that, and it took me quite a while to see the denial i was still operating under.
i'm wondering if your now ex-sponsor hears you as saying you've found the solution for you in the Alan Carr book and aren't in need of one now? genuine question, BF.

fini

our posts crossed, BF.
yes, i'd be upset, too.

but being upset isn't an indicator of right/wrong or any such thing.

BlueFairy

It's a worthy question. I loved that book and it was a million bucks of advice when I first read it. However I will Never be cured. I've also read other diet books, etc. and I was thinking a certain way about that but would completely forget when the book was down for awhile and go on my bad ways. I completely credit aa for my year and a month of sobriety, without meetings I may or may not have gone back but what I have learned from people about living sober is priceless.

Bubovski

Saying perhaps you are not an alcoholic should have rang alarm bells.
All people who don't want to drink are welcome at AA meetings.
The compulsive one drink and I cant stop isn't the only kind of drunk.

As an Aussie I'm not too much into your election stuff, I have enough trouble with our pollies. Seems though as if politics may be a key with your sponsor.
Good look in finding a new one.

paulokes

I've had differences of opinion with folks while working the steps and that's just fine! Luckily, it's not my opinion or theirs which counts but whether theu can find their way towards this vital 'experience' we talk about in AA

I don't think I can say I have ever 'dumped' anyone but I did once suggest that someone might be better off finding another person to work with...they didn't like my take on the problem, or the solution and we hit a bit of an impasse. They felt there was no real work for them to do, they felt they had a solid step 1 and could see nothing that needed changing in 3, 4 and 5 so I felt I had nothing more to give as a sponsor.

It's good you see the worth in 12 Step living as a way of moving forward. Of course, you can work the steps in ACoA if you feel more comfortable there, or you can find another sponsor in AA?

Just out of curiosity what do you understand about the idea of the Allergy and the Obsession? The Insanity that precedes the first drink? Do you worry about returning to drinking, despite all the pain it may have caused you? Or do you feel confident that you'll never need to drink again?

P

Ariesagain

If anyone is telling you to try drinking again, they are not good for you and it's best that you parted ways.



Sending you a hug...

P.S. Congratulations on 13 months!

paulokes

^ And yes, this is very true

P

Gottalife

If you were to google bigbooksponsorship you might find there is a free 32 page workbook which can get you through the steps. It highlights all the directions in the AA Big Book (How to stay sober the permanent way). Steps one to three are covered in the first two hours which is about all you need for them before at once moving to step four.

There is a cyclical sort of aspect to 1-3 which seems to catch out a lot of people. Each step leads to the next, the next being the proof of the last. Step one identifying the problem, leads to step two identifying the solution, which leads to step three a decision to act on the solution which leads to step four, the beginning of the action. If there is no action, then step three hasn't really been taken, which throws into doubt step two and step one. It kind of unravels without action as each previous step loses its effect It is called the three step sometimes.

Your ex-sponsor sounds a bit strange. If you are willing and able to completely give yourself to this simple program, then she should be there to help. If you have reservations however, the Big Book tells her that she would be wasting her time and she better find someone else. Half measures don't work you see.

BlueFairy

As of now I almost completely hate alcohol. It's wrecked me, and my entire family going back as far as I'm sure can be traced. I realize there are people who can drink without being alcoholics--they are the majority. I know I am not one of these lucky people! Allergy and obsession==me. I am Not confident I will never drink again regardless because my brain wants it regardless of reason, my feelings and logic. I know if I stay in the program I won't drink. Yeah this needed to happen. I had doubts from the first moment I overheard she was phone banking for Bernie. I am a big fan of Hillary and very much about women's rights and very active in her campaign. I underestimated the bad feelings on her side. I will forgive her though and probably keep going to my home group. I understand how it feels to lose when you work so hard for something/one you believe in--I've been there many times. I think some of these Sanders are so emotional about their candidate-it's just bad. All the violence at the protests and hatred towards our presidential nominee. I've really born the brunt of it here in very liberal Eugene Oregon and I'm so done with it. Women fought and died for this.

BlueFairy

I didn't know about that thank you. I'll look for it. Maybe I could do that for awhile and come here more.

paulokes

That sounds good Fairy and keep working. Good luck

P

August252015

I am not laughing at your pain or situation or frustration- but the politics part really kills me!

It's a nutso election in the US this go 'round and I quickly realized that my sponsor is a big [X] supporter (car sticker, you see- otherwise I've no clue about her politics) and I'd rather been flayed alive, in the most hungover pain state possible, than support that person, ever. But, see, this has beans to do with our relationship.

Pretty sure that ain't why yours didn't work out - FTR, it sounds like the relationship fared its course so now you get to move on as you choose!

Gottalife

You're welcome. I have found it very helpful especially when working with others.

"I know if I stay in the program I won't drink."

A very understandable misconception, the meetings are not the program. Plenty of people relapse while going to meetings. The thing is to "join" the program, remembering that the whole idea is to work towards a spiritual experience, a complete psychic change through which drinking becomes redundant. It is about permanent recovery. It is the experience strength and hope around the journey that brings that sense of belonging. There is a passage in the book which explains it well.

"The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. "

The common solution isn't so common these days as many try to find short cuts.

DaveT

Am I an alcoholic ? Read Doctors Opinion Big Book , can you quit for a prticular reason ? Can you stop and stay stopped without any help ? The test is in the big book read and decide for yourself
As for politics…we have no opinions on outside issues

Tommyh

I don`t discuss social issues,political issues or religious issues with anyone in AA
That is sure to start a fight and destroy Unity,it just not worth the arguments to me.

Fluffer

Afraid I don't have any experience with AA stuff myself but living in a very liberal place myself I have seen my wife fighting with some of her Facebook friends over the dem primary election to the point of ending friendships, so yeah, I think that is a very plausible reason for the split. As for me, all of the candidates I wanted are long gone and never had a chance so I'll get to live through an election with two candidates I can't stand.