Struggling at 16 months & turning 21
 

Hello! this is my first post here. I've been sober for almost 16 months now. Member of AA and NA - IV meth was my drug of choice, but alcohol always takes me out.

My first year wasnt easy by any means, but it was way easier than this.

My sponsor told me this would happen, 16-18 months sober she said was the hardest time in her whole sobriety. She has 20 years in July. That is proving to be true.

I believe I work a good program - sponsor other women, volunteer at a women's homeless shelter, going to college, AND I work in a drug rehab. I have been able to handle all of this pretty well and manage to stay spiritually fit through it all. (that is to say, "I" believe, and my head might not be too reliable.)

My mind has been so sick lately. I've been reminiscing a lot - meth addiction is so so so so hard to recover from. Especially IV. So many friends that got sober at the same time as me are going out and getting high. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - I forget what it's actually like to get high vs what I think it is like. My brain is telling me it was fun. I know better. My last run I could only stay out 24 hours and I cried the ENTIRE time and was suicidal by hour 8. Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, I just remember the times years ago when it was still fun.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have any friends to talk to about it - they have all relapsed. I guess I just want to know what I'm going through is normal. I think about drugs A LOT lately. I feel guilty for thinking about it. The obsession was removed a long time ago, I havent romanticized getting high since I had like 60 days sober. But that insanity is coming back. It terrifies me. I have tremendous respect for this disease and I have seen it kill. I turn 21 this month and I sometimes feel as if I am too young for this.

Again, I don't know why I am posting. This is getting longer than I intended. I guess I just want to know if anyone else went through the same thing around 15/16 months.

Welcome to the family. :) I've never used meth, but I was an all day every day drinker.

I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here. :hug:

I relapsed after 20 months. It was short but it was horrible. You can't enjoy a relapse after working a program. Trust me. it will suck.

You are smart to talk about it. I went out because the cravings, like you describe, were very intense. It's what drove me to use for years and years. If I gave in to the craving then the anxiety, that push that obsession about using is gone. The feeling is gone. What I have been doing since this relapse is acknowledging the craving and then trying to get to the root of it. usually ask myself what am I worried about, what am I trying to control that is out of my control? What is upsetting me about others, about situations?

Using is simply a tool I relied upon to not have to deal with things. I can't let that be my choice any more. It was a solution that caused more problems and is not sustainable.

Keep working your program! Your 17-month sober self will thank you!!

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Hi .
You seem to be trying to do the right thing , stayed stopped for a good period , got sponsor , involved with helping others and 16 months clean and sober.

Pink cloud is over its as simple as that , all your activities have kept your mind off yourself so far , maybe you are stuck with your old ideas and reality is setting in .

You need to be careful your head is out to get you , it is a program of change we can change actions and activities but its an ''inside job '' that is why we need to change , if we do not change the person that brought us in the door ? then that person can take us back out the door . Cunning baffling and powerful is Alcoholism /Addiction , secretly sometimes we hope that somehow someday we will be able somehow to drink/use with safety. That illusion has to be smashed , if not?, we can start what I call ''excitement chasing '' I did not drink but I gambled , smoked dope , popped pills , had affairs then eventually got drunk . The Steps are the solution for 'untreated alcoholism '' our old ideas , our old ways , defects/shortcomings , selfishness selfcenteredness etc , the choice we have is, ''living with the problem ? or living with the solution '' being ready to go to any lengths , ask your sponsor to help you through the steps if you haven't done so , if you are not feeling progress whilst putting in an honest effort ? then get another sponsor , AA program works if you find a ''power '' then clean house BB page 98 but you need to be willing , take care .

Regards Stevie recovered alcoholic 12 03 2006 .

words are easy music is much harder .

Hi Worrlyles5,

I don't know the first thing about meth addiction, I am just a recovered alcoholic. Reading your post from that point of view you seem to be doing everything right.

Maybe prayer to your Higher Power will bring an answer. Often a rough patch like this is symptomatic of spiritual growth going on.

The other thing that jumped out at me was whether or not you have rejoined the mainstream of life. Your life seems to be entirely based around addiction and it's consequences. You have your personal involvement with NA/AA, you volunteer to help victoms of addiction/addicts, and you work in the rehab field. With all your friends relapsing I could understand why things would look bleak in that picture.

I have had a few buddies in AA work in the field. It seems a natural fit but almost without exception, they found it incredibly draining. The emotional strain and dissapointment when someone relapses, who they really wanted to get some of what they had got for themselves (recovery) was incredibly frustrating.

There is a whole world out there. I have found it is full of wonderful loving people most of whom are not alcoholic or addict, and it is possible for me to exist in their world very happily. It is so nice to, for example, just go out and have dinner and talk about whatever, just relax and enjoy their company without all the heavy weight drama of the alcoholic world.

There is so much more to life, more than I ever imagined, and I just wondered if it might be time for you to put your toe in the water and start living among normal folk who are, for the most part, loving and caring. I think the highlight of my life has been watching others get back into the community and be accepted as I was. The "earth people" can be pretty cool.

BTW I got sober at 22, so you got me beat by a good margin. Trust me, the best years of your life are ahead of you:)

Welcome, I sobered up one month short of my 18th birthday. I was mainly a drunk but did my share of shooting up meth. I had no problem with the meth but the alcohol was my big nemasis.

The we're several times in recovery where the compulsion was almost overwhelming even though I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Still I didn't pick up. I just increased meetings, service work, reading the Big Book and any piece of literature I could get my hands on. It still took a toll on my body. I developed shingles 5 years sober at the age of 23. Even after I finished college, married, and started real life, whatever it was that had me seek out a chemical escape was still lurking in me . A few years later I had Gullian-Barre syndrome . I still believe it was the result of some deep deter stress or what ever the thing that made me an addict. But, I still did not drink or pick up any chemical escape. I just kept up with my program.
Things eased up in my thirties, and much of that whatever in the hell it was passed. Now in my mid 50's and sober 38 years. Life has been real good the last two decades. Don't pick up, it will get better.

My sponsor would have me work those 12 steps again now. I worked them 3 times by the end of the first year and another at 18 months of sobriety. Talk with your sponsor!