Do you think recovery is possible without a sponsor?
 

I'm doing well this time around. I'm 9+ months sober and after a total wobble over Christmas I think I'm pretty much back on track now. Christmas sent me into a spin because it reminded me of my relapse a year ago when I was in a bad place struggling with grief over losing my Dad and lots of other losses combined. Fear got a grip of me, and made me question everything, but I didn't pick up. Looking back now, I don't think I was even close.

But I'm for the first time in years without a sponsor and I feel quite lost. I've spent time over these holidays going over my very first posts here on SR, and they bear little resemblance to the person I am now. I'm much more knowledgeable and accepting of things. I've moved forward and my knowledge of the steps and how to live my life is clear. I sponsor and try to get a balance.

I've got a long way to go, but I've come a long way too.

I don't like meetings, never have and I doubt I ever will, so I'm unlikely to find anyone else to sponsor me, although I made some progress towards a lady I met in AlAnon to take me through their steps. That is certainly something I'm open to as I live with an alcoholic partner and grew up in less than easy circumstances. But, to get honest, I've made my peace with that too.

Im just not at that desperate state I once was when I'm prepared to travel far and wide to seek another sponsor. I've been through the steps and if I've got someone I can share my step 10 stuff with, won't that be enough?

I care very much for your opinions my friends. Is long term recovery possible without a sponsor?

Well, I'm sober six years and I don't have a sponsor or even go to meetings. I saw a counselor the first five years and she was very helpful.

Thank you least. I've been to counselling too, and that helped.

I think I just need to reshuffle my support maybe, but I'm worried whether I should continue to sponsor without a sponsor myself?

I feel at a bit of a crossroads here really.

Well, having a sponsor for all those years didn't keep you sober did it? I never met the sponsor who could get anyone sober. That's what we mean by beyond human aid.

Research proves the same thing. Monitoring 500 addicts over a period of a year (Crapes) to determine the benefits of sponsorship found no difference in outcomes between the group that was sponsored and the group that wasn't. However there was a large difference between those who didn't sponsor and those who did, in favour of those who sponsored. The chances of staying sober were much greater with those who sponsored.

So perhaps the question should be not "do I need a sponsor"? but "how can I become a sponsor"?

BTW I haven't had a sponsor for 34 years. At two years my sponsor told me I no longer needed a sponsor, that it was more important for me to be working with others. I do have, and have always had, some very good friends to whom I can turn when I need to.

Belatedly, I see you are sponsoring, so that's great. In answer to your question, my experience is that it is possible to have long term sobriety without a sponsor, provided my sponsor has done his job in getting me connected to the power that would solve my problem. No God, no freedom.

That is really helpful thank you Mike. I really value your opinion.

I will just add a quick summary that illustrates the point made by Crapes and also Ebby to Bill (see p14 I think).

10 years ago my wife was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I had two children to look after, a business that ran into difficulties, a sister in law, who stabbed us in the back, and my wife died all over a period of two years. It was a grim time. I look back in amazement that it never occurred to me to drink in all that time.

A long term AA friend got the same news about her husband, and she hit the bottle immediately.

We had both taken the steps, we had both been regular in our meeting attendance. What was the difference? All we can find is that she had a policy of not sponsoring, while I continued to sponsor a couple of guys. It seems Ebby knew in 1935 what Crapes discovered in 2002.

Jeni, I'm like least - don't have a sponsor or attend meetings. I'm at almost 8yrs. sober, so it can be done. Not sure if it's advisable in every case - I think we're all quite different where the need for AA is concerned. Congrats on your 9+ months.

Hi Jen,
You sound well and into your program, I always look forward to reading your posts.
I don't really have a sponsor she was more a friend I made in AA, she lives in another country and hasn't replied to my last 3 emails, so I guess I don't have a sponsor either.
I was thinking of asking another woman in AA to be my sponsor but I am not sure if it's necessary or not. I feel I can better rely on my own counsel through my HP. As for sponsoring someone I have never felt quite "qualified "but am more than happy to listen to people and support them in any way I can.

I feel I am going along OK there are ups and downs but overall I see progress, I measure that by how I am around others as this is a real test for me, people close to me and people In the street. How I handle stress.
You mentioned you don't like meetings, I had a pretty rough meeting the last one I chaired and felt quite resentful towards that person, these things are not pleasant but do shake you up and help you to go a little deeper but I don't need to go to meetings to have people disturb my peace it's how I handle it is what interests me.
CaiHong

I don't use a sponsor for support, yet I couldn't have come this far without SR.....

of most importance
 

Do you think recovery is possible without a sponsor?

Of course -- what did they do so as to sober up before AA in 1935 ?

Since the beginning of time,

God has always helped ones to recovery that wish to recover.

Having a (true) desire and making a (firm) decision to stop drinking seem to be of most importance.

MB

Jeni, 9+ months sober is just so FANTASTIC, congratulations. I don't have a sponsor and the entire time I went to AA never had a sponsor. I you feel safer with a sponsor by all means have one, rootin for ya, Happy New Year. :egypt:

I started the program with a sponsor and we did 6 months of step work together. I found this of great value. However, there were control issue - not looking for life advice on all fronts - and we parted ways. Today, I consider him a friend but I have chosen to not have a "sponsor".

I have several close friends that keep me accountable and will tell me if I seem off kilter. We talk frequently and if I have questions or they do we help each other. Also have some here I can reach out to as well.

For me at 18 months I can tell if I am to wrapped up in myself and the old fly is creeping back in to my noodle. The tools are there for me to work through things and daily activity supporting sobriety is important.

That is my experience, others mileage may vary.......
Thanks for the thread and glad you're here with us

Hi Jeni, nice to see you.

I've never had a sponsor. I use SR and have really leaned on them when times got hard. Then again I don't mind not having human contact in my recovery up to now. We are all different though, I don't think I could be a sponsor whereas you can.

I think what is best for us in our recovery, what works for us,which tools we each individually need.

Over 9 months is great, you know, and looking forward to seeing you in the overs very soon.x

hi Jeni,

yes.
of course it's possible. just as it's possible to get and stay sober without steps, too.

my own experience is one of seeing a sponsor as a guide through the steps and looking for that, and ending up with something far more:)
i do now not need them as a sponsor, that "job" is done as far as "taking" me through the steps.
but having them in my life as a person who's available to bounce stuff off of, someone who knows the worst about me and accepts me just as i am where i am, someone who i have a relationship with like no other...it's invaluable.

but do i need this person for "recovery"? no.
the whole point of the program is to help you develop a relationship with a power greater than yourself. that is not a sponsor.

a sponsor won't keep me sober, nor did not having one make me drink.

you say you're feeling quite lost at being without one. it's good to know that and acknowledge it. this way, you can look closely at what reliance you put on the/a sponsor, what your expectations are of this person's "job", where they "fit" in your understanding.

is it scaring you to be without one?

I guess my experience has been different than everyone else's here. I've been sober for over 3 years and have only been sponsorless for a few of those months. When I was sponsorless a little over a year ago for a few months (in between sponsors), I became pretty miserable after a while but I don't think it was directly tied to the fact that I didn't have a sponsor. It was more about the fact that I wasn't practicing the 12 steps. However, I now see the importance of being able to have someone else see things that I simply won't see myself.

Remember, we're alcoholics and part of the problem is that we start to think we're OK or think we need to do X in order to solve a problem. This is where having a sponsor is important because otherwise we are basically not accountable to anyone and I don't think I'm willing to gamble with that again like I did over a year ago.

Having said that, the relationship with my new sponsor is much different. I only call him once a week (as opposed to every day) because I'm no longer in that 30 day or 90 day period of sobriety where I need to "check in" with my sponsor every single day. If something is bothering me I'll call him but otherwise I only check in once a week now and it works fine for me. We also see each other during one my meetings each week as well and go to fellowship. So he's not just someone I talk to on the phone and that's it. I think that is the perfect balance for me.

If it works for you to not have a sponsor, then that's great. But this alcoholic gets so stuck in the bondage of self that someone needs to help me get closer to God again. My sponsor doesn't keep me sober. My Higher Power does. But without a sponsor, the fellowship, the steps, and so on, I can't develop a relationship with my HP which is what really keeps me sober. After all, the steps (in my opinion) are the most important aspect of AA and while the fellowship and sponsors are important too, they alone can't keep alcoholics sober. But that doesn't mean they should be cut off of my program. I think this is what Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob had in mind way back when AA first started. It was never about how many meetings you go to a week or if you have a sponsor, but they were very much focused on the 12 steps. They knew they found something that worked ... so much so that they created the Big Book so that other alcoholics that weren't living in Akron, Ohio or New York could get sober as well. So that's why I believe it's the most important aspect.

Also, I still go to many meetings a week these days because it's about the newcomer in the rooms. What would happen if no one showed up to meetings anymore? No newcomers would have anyone to help them. In order to keep what I have, I must give away what was freely given to me 3 years ago. If I'm not at meetings, then it's difficult to help someone who is struggling and needs someone to guide them through the 12 steps.

I am going to celebrate 3 years this month and I didn't get a sponsor. (I had an excellent sponsor my first time in recovery but she passed away).
I went to AA, worked the steps then while working step 11 started to get really into mindfulness meditation. While I stopped attending AA, I do have a support system. I also review my actions and hold myself accountable (step 10), meditate (11) and I post the daily readings on another forum, do volunteer work in the community at large and also try to help other alcoholics (12).

Thank you my friends.

Of course I KNOW that good quality sobriety isn't dependent on any one person or situation. And, in the same way that I gave up smoking without the steps, I know there are many ways to get sober without AA. Just reading around SR, and amongst the many lifelong friends I made here, I know that is true.

But I guess I'm looking at this from an AA perspective here, as that's the way I live my life now...using the steps. And I love this way of life, it has enriched everything I do and the way I see things. I don't want to move away from that.

I'm open minded and I do still (somewhat reluctantly) go to meetings, and I help people where I can.

Maybe I need to stop viewing this whole thing as an issue, find my support in different places and just carry on the way I am. It's just without that one person who knows me inside out, I can drift a little. But maybe that says more about me and my lack of discipline than anything else.

Anyway...I'm rambling now.

Thanks for your insights my friends :thanks

Well, of course it's possible to recover without a sponsor. The question is, can you recover without one?

It may be one of those things that can vary considerably with the individual.

The gamut may run from people who absolutely depend on a "paint-by-numbers" approach to achieve a spiritual experience through the Steps and could not do so without the steady and firm guidance of a sponsor, to totally independent "self-learners" who might actually be impeded from spiritual progress by being constrained to "follow suggestions" to which they are not fundamentally suited.

I'm guessing that the nature of a forum such as SR generally tends to attract people who fall towards the latter end of the spectrum, and the responses in this thread so far would seem to bear that out.

As for your concerns about your own current lack of a sponsor, can you perhaps place trust in your HP that you're right where you need to be for now, and when the student is ready, the teacher will appear -- if, in fact, a teacher is really what you need? Remember that the ultimate goal is not to get an "A" in "AA," but to practice spiritual principles what will result in continued serenity, and thus sobriety.

Charlie Parmley and Joe McQuany, best sponsors ever!
 

I attended AA meetings in and around the urban conurbation in which I live, for regular periods albeit on an intermittent basis over a period of 24 years....

It got me nowhere, primarily because at some meetings if they didn't say the AA Preamble at the start, you wouldn't have even known you were at one!

At others, it was very apparent that those attending problems weren't with alcohol or alcoholism but everything to do with their own agendas.

Then when I was just abut to , once again, give up! A guy handed me what was then a 'bootleg' recording, they are now commercially available, copy of one of 'Charlie & Joe's : Big Book Study Meetings'.

Remarking at the time that these were as good as having your own sponsors.

I listened to them in conjunction with reading, my still heavily annotated copy of the BB and everything fell into place. I've never looked back since!

So for me and as I understand it, Charlie Parmley and Joe McQuany are the best sponsors, along with the BB, anyone can ever have, guy was right, ok!

Between all of them they saved my life!

Thank you. Think I've got a bit wrapped up in this issue.

Practicing spiritual principles and trusting that I'm right where I'm supposed to be is where it's at. It's exactly what I should be doing. Spending time worrying about something which will quite possibly have no impact on my sobriety is pointless, and is another example of me living in self.