Need advice
 

I need some advice, I had a year of sobriety in the program of AA, did the steps, went to meetings, everything was great. Then I drank, went to detox, actually I've been to three detoxes this year. Now it's like I can't stay sober for longer than a few weeks. I end up drinking, for a while I pretend like everything is ok, and lie to my sponsor. Everyone thinks I've been sober since my last detox, actually I haven't been.

Like I said I did the steps with my sponsor, who has been sober for 11 years, and she has a sponsor, and I go to three meetings a week with her, and I try to talk to others in AA, to help them. Still I can't take the obsession to drink, I always end up drinking. I'm pretty sure my health is falling apart, the last detox was not easy. I don't even see the point of going to detox again, since I will probably start drinking again after I get out.

I used to really want to be sober, now I don't even know if I want to be sober anymore because I don't know if I can. The obsession to drink is just too much. My life is actually pretty good, good job and I have a place to live, there is no reason for me to want to drink, but I do.

I also went to counseling for over a year, and outpatient rehab, but I dropped out, because I was drinking. I would tell my counselor I was drinking, but she didn't do anything to help me, just told me to go to AA.

The guilt of living a lie is killing me. At the same time it's getting easier and easier to lie, because I've realized no one can stop me from drinking. That's the worst part, feeling like living a lie is normal. Anyway I really don't know what to do, and posting on this forum seems like the easiest way to reach out, because it's anonymous.

Maybe consider the spiritual angle? Are you now willing to go to any lengths to get sober? Nobody needs to have trouble with the spiritual principles of the program, but there are plenty who plan on it...

"When the unclean spirit goes out of a man, it passes through water-less places seeking rest, and not finding any, it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds it swept and put in order. “Then it goes and takes along seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in and live there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first.” Luke 11:24-26

When I first stumbled upon this I thought: THIS IS WHY RELAPSE SUCKS SO BAD!! Not only does the drinking get worse, but now people KNOW there is a solution. One thing's for certain: AA will ruin your drinking! Might be time to try THE program rather than YOUR program... ?

Thanks skg, I like that quote, I am pretty spiritually bankrupt right now. The thing is I'm not even sure now that I am willing to go to any lengths to be sober. I used to think I was, now I'm not sure. I don't know why.

The ultimate stumbling block to my recovery was fear.
Fear limited my willingness.
Fear of change.
It helped me when someone said at a meeting, "The Serenity Prayer is not a set of instructions. Its a prayer."
We are asking a higher power for the courage to change . . .
ourselves.

I have also heard it said that if you think you are not willing to change,
even if you are not willing to believe in a higher power . . .
Pray for the willingness.
It will come to you.
.

Lack of honesty with myself was the reason I tried and failed to find sobriety for many years. The program requires rigorous honesty, it cannot work unless you are deadly earnest with yourself and with others. There's no half measures. Going to meetings, walking (not working) the steps and having a sponsor won't get anyone sober unless you jump right in.
I still find that if I'm less than honest with myself or others I get in trouble, so the program is a life choice, its not something that is taken for 365 days and then dropped. Living by the principles which the steps engender is what I realize is the key "my sobriety is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition", we can't afford to drop our guard, to do so is fatal.
You will get there, persevere :)

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
Contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition
Every day is a day we must carry the vision of God will.
That is how we react so long as we stay in fit spiritual condition..
Must continue for our lifetime.

You are willing to go to any lengths!
Don't let alcoholism tell ya otherwise. Look back at the time ya had sober. It was much better than ay day drinking so well worth any lengths.

The steps aren't something you do but something you live. Step 12 sums up what we need to do on a daily basis to stay sober.

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs".

If I didn't practice steps 10-12 on a daily basis I would find it hard to maintain long term sobriety. Step 10 is like working a "mini" 4-9 daily, step 11 allows me to stay connected and grow my spiritual connection with my HP, and step 12 stresses the importance of helping other alcoholics, then instructs us to follow the steps as a way of life. Working the 12 steps is laying the foundation of how to live life every day.

Just by posting this issue it shows that there is some part of you that truly does want sobriety- even if your disease seems to be screaming louder than that truth inside of you right now. You know how to make a start- you have done it before.
I totally identify with the cravings not subsiding well into sobriety. I have over 16 months of sobriety and I still suffer from physical cravings at times. Full on, gut wrenching, throat burning, every cell in my body screaming for a drink type of cravings. The last time I had a "spell" was last Sunday.
I work the program to the best of my ability. I go to meetings daily, I read throughout my day everyday. I have a sponsor with a sponsor and I am working with two women to help guide them through the steps. I have commitments and I pray. A lot.
At times I can really beat myself up about the cravings. That alcoholic voice in my head can start screaming that I must be doing something wrong - that I must not be working hard enough- that I don't "want" it enough.
Everytime I start to feel that way, I go to the big book and read Dr Bob's Nightmare. He suffered from physical cravings well into his sobriety too and he was a founder of this great program!!
My point is, you are not alone in this. There is a way out.
And it does get better. It truly does.

I was hopeless when I came in. I wanted nothing they had. I kept showing up because they weren't drinking . That intrigued me, but they also were laughing.
Once I heard, "Contempt prior to investigation," I decided to investigate, but it took The Principles and learning how to apply them before I realized I had been out of hope. I know today how to manufacture hope for myself. If you are interested, I am glad to share with you.

Yes, I'm definitely interested.

You have PM. Email me.

Its good that you are getting honest with what is really going on.
Only thing I can offer.. Read Page 23 Big Book.

You're not alone!

This is very similar to what happened to me several years ago. I was sober for a year, had a sponsor and did the steps, relapsed and just couldn't put more than a few weeks together for almost another year.

For me it came down to accepting that I had lost the power of choice. Until I accepted it, there was always one more time, even though I knew I was an alcoholic! It was a deep, inner acknowledgement that I had no choice whether I drank or not. At that point, I ran to step 2 because that was my only option.

I still believe today (several years sober) that the choice is not mine when it comes to drinking. I leave it all to my HP, which keeps me sober.

Hope this helps.

It struck me in your post confuzd that you stated you did the steps. Grunge reiterates what we learn in the program and when when engage the steps. Use these principles in all our affairs, remember?

It kind of seems your coming from a place of checking things off a list of "what I tried" to do before I made a decision to drink. Almost perhaps like you can show some one else. See, nothing works for me?!? A fait accompli - it's already been decided.

I have heard from others since day one the steps are like the numbers on a clock. Our sobriety goes round and round like the hands - we never stop working the steps.

When I feel iffy I will read Acceptance was the answer under stories.
Have you read it lately???

Keep coming back - you can indeed achieve sobriety, friend!

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I've not had experience with relapse, but the obsession to use, yes. What worked for me was praying to my HP, which, for me, is some sort of benevolent, universal force of love, to have the obsession removed. At times, I had to repeat the little prayer over and over. After a couple of days, the obsession left me and has not returned in over 17 years.

As for your dishonesty, something I tell my sponsees is that we come to AA and meetings to save our ass, not our face. I'd also suggest you try doing 90 in 90, and to getting phone numbers and use them.