Sponsor is telling me about his problems
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
my sponsor and I don`t tell each other our problems unless we first do steps 10-12 on it and then we have a solution to share.
Just complaining isn`t enough to keep this guy sober.
If I try to tell my sponsor a problem,he will stop me and ask if I had prayed about it,and I would always say,no
go home and pray about it and do what you think God wants you to do.
tell your sponsor the same,go pray first
usually by then,the problem disappears or the solution comes plain to me.
go 12 step your sponsor that way
Just complaining isn`t enough to keep this guy sober.
If I try to tell my sponsor a problem,he will stop me and ask if I had prayed about it,and I would always say,no
go home and pray about it and do what you think God wants you to do.
tell your sponsor the same,go pray first
usually by then,the problem disappears or the solution comes plain to me.
go 12 step your sponsor that way
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Will008 
I've been in a 12 step program for about 10 months and have had a sponsor for about 8 months. For the last couple of weeks, I have found that during our weekly meetings, my sponsor will start to talk about his own issues with sobriety and his relationship with his sponsor. At first, I just let him talk or would change the subject, but eventually it got to me. I felt that by telling me about his problems, he was not really listening to me and was essentially making me his sponsor, which was not what I wanted to be doing (I don't want to have the responsibility of helping him stay sober).
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
Sponsorship isn’t necessary to achieve sobriety and for AA membership (meetings & fellowship), AA has NO DOGMA.
The 12 Steps are explained in the basic text Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and the 12 X 12. There are Big Book and 12 x12 Step study meetings / groups that use each book to study the 12 steps. AA members can help each other without the title / label sponsor. I offer my help without the sponsor title / label.
Many have recovered without sponsorship, recovery occurs on internet forms like SoberRecovery.com
The 12 Steps is the SUGGETED program of recovery, it’s not AA meetings or sponsorship. As an example, it says nothing about having to have a sponsor to understand and TAKE the Steps. Step 5 doesn’t read Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to a sponsor the exact nature of our wrongs.
Sponsorship responsibility is unwritten and informal, there is NO sponsor school; anyone can be a sponsor. The basic purpose of sponsorship is to guide in understanding the 12 Step dynamics. Some of the sponsorship I’ve observed is limited in understanding 12 Step dynamics.
There is some literature that AA World Services, Inc, NYC (AAWS, Inc) publishes, but it’s limited and it doesn’t cover what I have with this post. Besides, contrary to what most AA members don’t realize, AAWS, Inc is a publishing company whose purpose is to generate income. AAWS, Inc has no authority over any individual AA member or AA group each group is autonomous. AA General Services Office, NYC also has no authority over any individual AA member or AA group each group.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
In the 10th step promises it tells us that by now sanity has returned, which is validation that step 2 has come true -- that a power greater than myself has indeed returned me to sanity. Step 2 was simply becoming willing to be open minded about the possibility of a higher power. The rest of the steps make that possibility become a reality. Once I fully acknowledged that I was powerless over alcohol in step one step 2 became easier.
On my own I was powerless over alcohol, therefore I needed to find some power greater than myself to help me stop drinking. Did I know what that power was exactly? No. Was I willing to keep an open mind that it existed? You bet, what did I have to lose? I had proved to myself without a doubt that I didn't have the power to stop drinking and stay stopped.
My first sponsor took a lot of time sharing his life story with me before we even started the steps, and he also shared a lot of his current personal life with me every time we met. Part of the reason (as I saw it) was so he could show me how he incorporated the principles of the steps into his every day life and the problems he encountered. My biggest concern is that your sponsor seems to be OK with you having been on step 2 for several months, but that's just my opinion.
On my own I was powerless over alcohol, therefore I needed to find some power greater than myself to help me stop drinking. Did I know what that power was exactly? No. Was I willing to keep an open mind that it existed? You bet, what did I have to lose? I had proved to myself without a doubt that I didn't have the power to stop drinking and stay stopped.
My first sponsor took a lot of time sharing his life story with me before we even started the steps, and he also shared a lot of his current personal life with me every time we met. Part of the reason (as I saw it) was so he could show me how he incorporated the principles of the steps into his every day life and the problems he encountered. My biggest concern is that your sponsor seems to be OK with you having been on step 2 for several months, but that's just my opinion.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
as I mentioned, first time through, step 2 is willingness to move on with the steps......step 2 came alive for me after I got through step 7......
remember, the first people in AA to get sober followed a process of actions to stay stopped as the big book (a written work of that process among other details they learned) had not yet been written!
remember, the first people in AA to get sober followed a process of actions to stay stopped as the big book (a written work of that process among other details they learned) had not yet been written!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Grungehead
In the 10th step promises it tells us that by now sanity has returned, which is validation that step 2 has come true -- that a power greater than myself has indeed returned me to sanity. Step 2 was simply becoming willing to be open minded about the possibility of a higher power. The rest of the steps make that possibility become a reality. Once I fully acknowledged that I was powerless over alcohol in step one step 2 became easier.
On my own I was powerless over alcohol, therefore I needed to find some power greater than myself to help me stop drinking. Did I know what that power was exactly? No. Was I willing to keep an open mind that it existed? You bet, what did I have to lose? I had proved to myself without a doubt that I didn't have the power to stop drinking and stay stopped.
My first sponsor took a lot of time sharing his life story with me before we even started the steps, and he also shared a lot of his current personal life with me every time we met. Part of the reason (as I saw it) was so he could show me how he incorporated the principles of the steps into his every day life and the problems he encountered. My biggest concern is that your sponsor seems to be OK with you having been on step 2 for several months, but that's just my opinion.
On my own I was powerless over alcohol, therefore I needed to find some power greater than myself to help me stop drinking. Did I know what that power was exactly? No. Was I willing to keep an open mind that it existed? You bet, what did I have to lose? I had proved to myself without a doubt that I didn't have the power to stop drinking and stay stopped.
My first sponsor took a lot of time sharing his life story with me before we even started the steps, and he also shared a lot of his current personal life with me every time we met. Part of the reason (as I saw it) was so he could show me how he incorporated the principles of the steps into his every day life and the problems he encountered. My biggest concern is that your sponsor seems to be OK with you having been on step 2 for several months, but that's just my opinion.
Yes, I agree with your concern re: the sponsor seemingly being OK with remaining on Step 2 for several months. Step 2 is the destination, so the purpose of the Steps is to get from Step 1 to Step 2 as a result of Steps 4 through 9. Page 27 12X12 explains this well.
Re: Your second paragraph, I stopped on my own because I found the power which I'm quoting from the Spiritual Experience page 569 3rd Edition AA text "Unsuspected Inner Resource." Although this power was always with me, it was blocked due to MY problem that caused my alcoholism which was dysfunctional upbringing. My drinking was but a symptom, as it states in the AA Text Chapter 5 HOW IT WORKS, page 64, it reads... "Our liquor was but a symptom." So we had to get down to causes and conditions. Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four."
BTW, although I do understand the essence of Step One in what they were trying to convey, it's incorrect in that alcohol is an inert substance, and in and of itself has no power, just as liquor (page 64) can't be a symptom. Page 85 is the same, it say "alcohol is a subtle foe", again alcohol has no power, it's my mind that was a subtle foe! What's correct is, DRINKING liquor (alcohol) is a symptom. At times I couldn't actuating predict some of the outcome with some drinking sprees, that's the only lack of power I experienced.
I was able to quite drinking as I quite tobacco by trying over and over again until I reached my bottom and surrendered. Tobacco was more difficult for me to quit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Trust yourself on this, Will.
A sponsor is a guide who puts our hand in God's hand.
They should be able to get you into the solution about anything you go to them with, and know how to do that.
As long as we are willing to do our own work.
They should not burden us with their problems.
We do sometimes pick people for a reason, though. This is good to know so you dont have to be angry, just keep going on your journey.
By the way, my sponsees can't hurt me
A sponsor is a guide who puts our hand in God's hand.
They should be able to get you into the solution about anything you go to them with, and know how to do that.
As long as we are willing to do our own work.
They should not burden us with their problems.
We do sometimes pick people for a reason, though. This is good to know so you dont have to be angry, just keep going on your journey.
By the way, my sponsees can't hurt me
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
They should be able to get you into the solution about anything you go to them with, and know how to do that.
Sponsors are people. They are not God. They are human beings that when asked are willing to help guide us through the program and the steps. They are not infallible and they only have their own experiences to share.
They can and do make mistakes. If a sponsor does not have an answer they they can direct us to someone that does but they are not a "know it all".
AA is based on one alcoholic helping another. That does not mean that only one of them has a problem.
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
By the way, my sponsees can't hurt me
I know I can't do anything about, I don't have that power, they must be willing and honest. I can't force them but I can pray for them. I don't allow it to affect my sobriety or my life but it still hurts, I am human after all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Will008
...and am currently working on step 2, which I have been at for several months...
What you describe is not sponsorship.
Simply meeting with my sponsor (or meeting with someone I sponsor) and talking about our respective lives is not going to help anyone recover from alcoholism. It's a very useful and good thing in my life, and helps me to be transparent, honest, and accountable with others. But it does not lead to a spiritual awakening sufficient to overcome alcoholism.
Step 2 can be summed up on pg 47, 'Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe in a power greater than myself?' If you're there, move on. If not, you're still on the fence about Step 1.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
If you aren't comfortable with what your sponsor did you have every right to speak up for yourself and to move on if that is what you decide is best for yiu. Doesn't necessarily mean you or your sponsor is wrong, maybe jus not a rightfit.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
My experience,strength and hope with this is in my first year I had a sponsor who would tell me her problems, phone me crying, wanted me to take in one of her kids on and on. She had two sponsors with multiple years of sobriety who she wasn't using. I had 4 months.
I had to fire her and get a sponsor who was solid because I couldn't deal with being her sponsor whatever I was. It wasn't good for my sobriety.
To thine own self be true.
I had to fire her and get a sponsor who was solid because I couldn't deal with being her sponsor whatever I was. It wasn't good for my sobriety.
To thine own self be true.
Originally Posted by Will008
I've been in a 12 step program for about 10 months and have had a sponsor for about 8 months. For the last couple of weeks, I have found that during our weekly meetings, my sponsor will start to talk about his own issues with sobriety and his relationship with his sponsor. At first, I just let him talk or would change the subject, but eventually it got to me. I felt that by telling me about his problems, he was not really listening to me and was essentially making me his sponsor, which was not what I wanted to be doing (I don't want to have the responsibility of helping him stay sober).
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
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