When people resist your effort to change?
 

I'm almost 9 months sober. Several weeks ago, I did a 4th and 5th step and found that my biggest character defect is the fact that I never speak up and say anything when someone hurts me. I always continue to smile and pretend like nothing's wrong, even though I'm really destroyed on the inside. My sponsor told me to start standing up for myself.

I realized this might be tough, because my husband and I have been together 8 years, and I've never EVER said anything before when he says/does something hurtful. That's made our relationship very unhealthy. We've never even had a fight before. But since he's in the program with 25 years of sobriety, I thought he'd be understanding/patient with me while I learn to become a more healthy person.

He's never had any issue telling me when I make a mistake. I've always respectfully stopped, validated his feelings (even if I thought they were silly), and treated him with compassion. I'd apologize if necessary and make a mental note to be careful in that area. I suppose I thought he'd treat me the same way.

But instead, he lashes out at me, and tells me that my hurt feelings are my problem, and to get over it. That really hurts. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my well-being. It makes me feel like he doesn't respect me.

When I told him how that behavior makes me feel, he quotes the Big Book and says "Whenever I'm disturbed, there's something wrong with me" -- and again re-emphasizes that my hurt feelings are my problem. He turns around and tells his friends that I'm just mentally unbalanced and a "damn newcomer".

This is the most dehumanizing reaction I could imagine. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I think I'd feel better if he'd just hit me instead. (FYI, there's no violence in our relationship.) At least then, the injury would be visible and undeniable. But he'd probably blame me for defectively bruising/bleeding!

I've always looked up to him and respected him. He was my hero. And now I'm realizing he no respect or concern for me whatsoever.

At my insistence, we went to a marriage counselor and discussed on this. She also advised him that his behavior is not acceptable. But he won't take any responsibility. He says it's not his fault that I'm unreasonably sensitive.

I've never been this hurt before. I don't know how to handle it. I'm doing my best to try to become a more healthy person. I didn't expect him to fight against me. I thought he wanted me to become better.

I talked with my sponsor, and she told me to keep standing up for myself. But I'm already so hurt. I'm afraid of getting hurt more.

Again there's no violence. But we have a two-year-old, and I really don't want her to learn that this behavior is okay.

I don't want to stop working my program just because his life is easier if I'm sick. I just want to be healthy and sober without getting attacked for it.

Is this an acceptance thing? Is it a Serenity Prayer thing? Is it "life on life's terms"? What is this?

you know what drives people crazy?
do nothing

when he insults you, hurts you
make it appear you didn't hear him
or say the serenity prayer
walk away
or you can say
"what you said is really hurtful"

i'm no professional
so do seek help
there is no excuse for verbal abuse

best
fraankie

I still remember when my wife told me "no" for the first time. Shocked me and her as well. We laugh about it today but that was the beginning of a new understanding between the two of us. We were married 15 years when we got sober together, her about a year before me. We'll be married 52 years this coming December and we're best friend. Mutual respect for each others dignity and feelings. Here's my belief. I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT ME!! It's my responsibility to set ground rules and boundaries regarding other people. If I don't, other people don't know what the rules and boundaries are. I will agree however, that my feelings are my responsibility. If someone hurts my feelings, it's either intentional, or unintentional. Once my boundaries have been set and verbalized, people choose to respect them or not. If they do, all is well. If they don't, I don't hang around them. I have to learn to govern my feelings and not blame them on someone else.:herewego

Sounds like your days of being a doormat are about to end. Good for you.

His reaction to the change is his problem. I wouldn't worry about it.

Sometimes I.........say nothing and just let the person's ugly words hang in the air, like a fart.

Sometimes I .........laugh and say, "Thank you for sharing!"

Sometimes I .........wince and say, "Ouch!" No further remark is usually needed.

And Sometimes I have been heard to be muttering the serenity prayer as I exit the room quickly.

My favorite action is to say......"Hold that thought. Gotta pee." And then let them sit there and contemplate what they just did. Take your time in the bathroom. :)

Good luck in sobriety!

and, btw.....it's not kosher to use program as a weapon in marriage. You could make a joke of it and say, "Well, is this where I get to say back to you.....'call ur sponsor?"

Then again, better not. lol

His behavior and using the program of AA against you, is unacceptable...period. We teach people how to treat us, what are you teaching him?

I remember when I didn't like the way I was being treated by my former husband and my then Sponsor said to me. "Well, if you don't like the footprints on your back....stand up!"

I have to admit that I didn't like it when she said that...but it was the simple truth. The footprints are no longer on my back and neither is my former husband!! lol :)

I might have over looked it, have you tried alanon ?

Have you considered going to Al Anon? He might be 25 years sober but he is still an alcoholic and his behavior is hurting you.
One of the great thing about Al Anon is that you will learn to detach with love and set boundaries. It is a great program to learn to build healthy relationships. If you go, it will also be your program and he will have no ground to try to lord it over you because he has more sober time than you do.
Here is a good sticky from the Friends and Family side of the forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html
and a good post about Double Winners
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-winners.html
last but not least, if you are a bit gun shy about going to Al Anon, you can get started with the daily Courage To Change reading. I post it everyday in the Friends and Family forum. Here is the link to today's
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4812522

Hang in there, there is hope :)

:lmao I do it too

Clutch B, 9 months sober is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Why not find a group of your own independent of your husband. Any person in AA with 25 years of sobriety that says something like "damn newcomers" isn't working the AA program. Please remember, when you are in an AA meeting you are still in a room full of drunks. Rootin for ya. :egypt:
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/i...n7R3c6q2TXlaAe

"He's never had any issue telling me when I make a mistake."

"But instead, he lashes out at me, and tells me that my hurt feelings are my problem, and to get over it. That really hurts. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my well-being. It makes me feel like he doesn't respect me."

ill take your hubby inventory here:
wheres the 10th step in his life? is HE taking personal inventory and finding out why he has himself on a pedestal? why he places himself above you? please tell yer hubby that if this is how he acts im thinkin he should practice the principles AND traditions in his home life. 25 years in the program makes him no better than the person with one day.

we grovel before no one and aren't door mats.
I don't see it being an acceptance thing unless you want to keep being treated like a doormat. keep standing up for yourself.


I love these words from music:
I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT ME!!

amazing how when I finally understood I didn't have to be a doormat and was allowed to stand up for myself how relationships changed. some people walked away from me when I wouldn't let them use me as a doormat and some started respecting me and the relationships grew healthier.

Only god chooses who will grow and how fast.
If you remain willing, you will grow.

Step 10 says we cease fighting anyone or anything.
The end of the entire instructions for all the steps, the very last sentence says we stop fighting, we have to.
All your answers are in the Big Book.

We stand up for ourselves by not arguing and also by not putting ourselves down and we be ourselves anyway, our True Selves, our Heart Selves.
We match calamity with serenity.
No, it is not easy.

We can't control another person, that's step 1 in Alanon.

Do you stay with him? I don't know the exact nature of the situation, but if he's a dry alcoholic, you could try what I suggested first if you want.

Thanks everybody. I really appreciate all of your insights and words of encouragement.

I never considered myself to be a candidate for AlAnon, but I think I might look into it. I know a lady in AlAnon -- perhaps she can recommend a few good local groups/meetings.

I certainly don't want to be a doormat, and I don't want to take his inventory. But I've already been a doormat, and I've already taken his inventory :)

He says he's done an inventory but hasn't apologized for anything. He's been nicer to me lately. Perhaps doing the dishes last night was his amends.

He shared in a meeting last night that the longer you stay sober, the harder it gets to stay sober. I think the longer you stay sober, you lose motivation to work the steps, your inventories become less objective, and you become more of a jerk. So if being a jerk makes it hard to stay sober, then I suppose he's right.

I'll have 9 months sober on Wednesday. I haven't even told him. It's a stupid little accomplishment compared to his 25 years of absolute perfection.

I wish I never married someone in AA.

Sounds like your husband isn't working a good program.

A piece of unsolicited advice...

If you don't already go to separate meetings, start doing it. You can attend together but try and remember when he speaks he is an AA member in recovery, not your husband.

What is said there, stays there and that can sometimes mean even for the husband and wife.

NO! Your nine months are important. Do not rob yourself of your accomplishment and do not let him do it either.

Do not compare programs. Work yours and let him work his. That is the only way it can work. What works for him may not work for you and visa versa. Stick to your side of the street.

He may be a jerk and he may or may not be working the AA program but that is none of your concern. If you can, keep discussions about your relationship on the relationship and not how each other is working their program or how either of you behave in an AA meeting.

Program, AA or not, should remain separate and I know that is hard to do. Throwing around AA material in the middle of a relationship discussion only equals my program is better than yours accusations. Trust me, I learned the hard way not to do this. :gaah

Hi Clutch B, I just wanted to mention that once you start standing up for yourself with him, if things do NOT change and his unacceptable reactions toward you continue or worsen, you could be looking at a larger problem here... perhaps some mental condition or disorder on his part. I'm not saying it to alarm you, but just don't discount that there could be a personality disorder issue here. If he does not improve over time, you might need to take a step back and reconsider some things in this marriage. Just my two cents.

When I got sober, there were a lot of changes in the first two years. I REALLY thought that hubby and I were headed for divorce. He DID NOT like the "new me" and things were tense. **What he admitted later was that once I got better, his feelings and sucky life he could no longer pin on me....that HIS problem was in the mirror.**

Long story short, we finally agreed to each go to individual therapy and couples counseling. We did this for over a year. For us, each party had to work and change and in the end, we rekindled our friendship, romance, and now are better than ever. BUT, I realize that not every couple ends up this way. Of the people in my "peer group" (we came into AA at around the same time), I am the only one still married. I also MUST advocate STRONG SPONSORSHIP. My sponsor was integral in me being open-minded and willing to work through the fear...by doing the 12 steps.

Another thing is that time takes time. At first, during the hard times, I thought there was no way that "HE was going to change, blahblah." In the end, I was doing the work to change ME. He could take the journey with me or not. We had two children, so I definitely had skin in the game. BUT "we have kids" was not going to make me stay if we weren't going to work. I was NOT going to model that dysfunction for my kids to copy later in their own relationships.

The counselor told hubby and I that we had set up a "parent-child" type of relationship, where I was the kid and he was the parent. Doesn't make for a healthy dyad. It is not an equal partnership. Only if we were BOTH willing to change A LOT were we going to work.

We celebrated 16 years of marriage on Aug 2nd. He is my best friend and I really admire him for being willing to look in the mirror and make the changes that were necessary for us to be a successful couple. We laugh when we do our "marriage inventory" and talk about the "crazy times" and how our defects were out of control....we were defects looking for character!!

The steps really helped sort out this situation for us....once we were both honest, open-minded, and willing.