Ohio1

I wanted to write this out because its bothering me- Basically I'm 4 months sober, meetings, sponsor, working on myself, loving it, making what I feel is very good progress and happier than I've been in a very long time.

I literally am losing it with my old friends- I can't stand being around them, and recently I've just stopped caring about them. As you may have guessed all of my friends are big drinkers (pretty much safe to say alcoholics) and many are pretty heavily into weed.

They get hammered, ask me what I do now that I don't drink, then proceed to get defensive and vehemently defend their own drinking (believe me I know better than to bring up their drinking they do this on their own). They sound like the parody's people do of their own thinking at an AA meeting except they aren't joking around about how they used to be- its how they are now.

I guess the hardest part is realizing that I basically put nothing but alcoholics into my own life- I didn't wake up with some random assortment of people who are all alcoholic- I did that. I know I can't do anything either, and I just have to accept it, just wanted to get this off my chest.

Its tough to change everything.

Kathleen41

I understand. I've been there. I found new friends, you will too!!

It may not seem like it, but this is progress. Be kind to yourself. It's tough when the wool starts being lifted from your eyes and you begin to really see your life; Sometimes it's enough to make you want to pull the wool back down!!! But don't!!! Keep working on your sobriety.

Getting sober is kinda like renovating a house. For a while things get messier, you wonder if they are getting better or worse. You discover a termite infestation and have to do more work than you thought!! Eventually, the debris will be cleaned up, the construction crew will go home, and the house will be renewed. So it is with you.

Keep going to meetings. Work with your sponsor. You can do it.

bigsombrero

Thanks for posting this Ohio - sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the same situation. Your post really made me feel like there is someone who can understand it. Many folks from my old AA group would say things like "I had coffee with old friends" or "went to breakfast with a girlfriend", and suggest I do the same. It frustrated me because my friends aren't like that. We never "went for coffee". We never "met at the art gallery". And once I got sober it wasn't going to start.

I am still in a fantasy football league with these guys, and we just had our draft. I didn't go - because all the e-mails were about "how smashed we're going to get" during the draft....and I WAS ON THE E-MAIL CHAIN! They know full well what I've been through this past year, that I went to treatment for chrissakes!

Thanks for sharing your story and getting that off your chest. It helped me get it off mine too. I guess folks like you and me have to look elsewhere for companionship. For the record, in the end I don't mind starting a new life right now. It's kind of fun, starting over. Thanks again.

Kathleen41

I remember going to a semi-formal ball with some friends when I was 3 months sober. I was, of course, the DD. I had a great time sober, better than I ever had drinking. By the end of the night a couple of the people were really hammered. They started really getting on my nerves. Then when we were leaving one friend fell over onto the pavement, in an evening gown, while I was opening the car door. Then she didn't want to go home, it was only midnight, she wanted to go downtown!!! Unbelievable!!! Needless to say, haven't hung out with her again.

Just a couple months ago we went to visit a couple in another state. The woman was obnoxious in pointing out that I wasn't drinking, practically making fun of me, etc. And we are not kids, we're in our forties!!! Like, she should know better. I was flabbergasted.

I stopped talking to most of those type of people. Other people, who tend to sometimes drink heavily, but truly care about my well being, I still talk to. It's easy to figure out who is a real friend when you go through recovery. The fakers haven't called me, and I'm not concerned!!

fraankie

something i realized after time in aa
none of my alcoholic, drug addict friends called me to see how i was doing
so i let them go
i used to joke around
they don't even kno i'm gone

really
it's a new way of life
who needs them?

to be sure, they will drag you down
a few said
"you're no alcoholic"
one even said
"it's out of your blood
you can drink now"
lol

fraankie

Jeni26

I think what hurt me, and still does to some extent, wasn't the fact that I didn't care about my friends but that I realised THEY didn't care about ME.

My dear alcoholic friend who for many years was a sort of mother figure to me, and saw me over some dark times popped in to see me at work a couple of months ago. I invited her over to my house over the summer while I was off. She looked horrified...'but Jen, what would we DO now you're not drinking?!' I suggested a few things and she smiled and hugged me, but we both knew she felt there was little point in her coming over if there was no alcohol involved.

I accept her for who she is, still love her a lot, but I can't pretend that I didn't feel a sense of loss with her in particular. My other drinking crowd were easier to let go, but I thought this relationship ran a lot deeper than a shared bottle of vodka. Apparently not.

shaun00

Some people i was once comfortable to be around are now a passing acquaintance, i cant say that has been an intentional thing , its certainly not because they drink or use drugs...some dont and one of my dearest friends is a self confessed alcoholic/addict.

Its because i think and live my life in a certain way, .. and i find others that have elements of being spiritually sick uncomfortable to be around.... I dont recoil from them but fail to form deep friendships with them ...if you get me .

A member of my family would come under this heading ....i try to love them like a sick person and see the good on occasions ...but its mostly limited and periods spent with them are brief .... let me make this clear , i dont think judgmental things about said person.....i just feel uncomfortable..

Its OK , my thinking and attitude has shifted monumentally ....i dont expect the world to be the same ...BUT i guess friendships are now built on much more than just outside things .

GracieLou

Me too. Every person that I called a friend/husband/BF were people that drank. Every single one.

There were others in my life but I stayed away and only let them see a part of me that wanted them to. They did not see me at bars or smashed at the campfire. They did not see me passed out and they certainly did not see me grabbing for the hair of the dog.

The last two years I even drank myself away from the drinkers. I had not gone to bars in years but I still had a "friend" or two that I would get with once in a while but even they did not appeal to me at the end. I wanted to be left alone to drink the way I wanted to.

I still have one friend that I talk to and see every other week or so. He still drinks. I don't talk about it and he does not talk about it. He does not come over and drink, I do not go there. He knows I quit and am in recovery and attending AA. Now whether he stays away because I am sober and he is afraid I will try to convert him or he is uncomfortable I have no clue, that is not my responsibility. The only time that I would ever make it mine is if someone asks for help. Then and only then will I make it my business. I do pray for him as I do for all the alcoholics that still suffer.

I think this has been something I have struggled with when I drank and now that I am sober. Taking responsibility for others. Whether it was my husband, my friend, my children or my mother. I burdened myself with a certain responsibility for them. I felt I had to be there and felt guilt if I was not. And not because I had been drinking or drunk. That I own, but just feeling as though it was my job. I think this was part of being in control or feeling I needed to control them. If I could control what they did or control the outcome of what they had done then I was showing I cared or I loved them.

I had carried this into sobriety. I have learned I can love and care about them without making them my responsibility. AA and my sponsor has shown me that I can be there for people without making their problem, my problem. I don't do this with anger or resentment. I do it because I care about myself now too.

paul99

I think that this is normal. You've already read responses from those of us who had to eschew old types in a new life. Not all old friends needs to get the heave ho. I find that these new associations / old associations develop naturally, organically, over time as we embark and continue on in our new journey. Those who truly care about us stick around and accept our new life. Those who we used to hang around and are uncomfortable with our sobriety slowly recede into the woodwork. I didn't go around "firing" friends - I just found that my energy either drifted towards certain people or it didn't. And like you, the realization that I surrounded myself with heavy drinkers (at the very least) was no accident. If it's on our plate, we ordered it at some point.

This is a transition time, sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes slowly. It didn't take me long to get there, as I had already isolated myself from others long before I got sober.

For this alcoholic, it's about surrounding myself with those who wish me well, who add to my life, who have things I find attractive in their spirits and life. Anything else need not apply. It's not that the others are "bad" or anything like that, but things are different now. We move on.

muvinon

Friendships are very often, even in sober life, about what you share in common. People make friends when their kids are in little league, attend the same church, etc. Then circumstances change and the shared common ground isn't there any longer.

What I've learned is to appreciate the fun and good times we had, hope for the best for them in their lives, and turn my attention to the people in my life today.

Learning to move on gracefully is really a matter of attitude.

Boleo

Are you talking about apathy or detachment?

Apathy is when you stop caring about the whole situation.

Detachment is when you still care about the people but quit concerning yourself with the outcome.

"If you need a reason to love - you have already sinned."
(Meister Eckhart)

lizw

I hear you.

I was lucky in the sense all my 'old friends' were sick of me and my behaviour by the time I got to treatment so very few were talking to me but once I got into AA I saw it as a blessing in disguise when I heard people share how hard it was to let go of friendships that were based solely on drinking and drugging.

It can be hard to make new friends but I found a lot in AA and over the years have made friends based on other things/hobbies/activities I have discovered I like to do.

FeenixxRising

I suppose I'm lucky in this respect. Two friends that I've known since childhood have been sober for many years; although, I only see them a few times each year. Two of the people I'm closest with now (we have a social and working relationship) are only social drinkers, both married, etc. So being around them is not a problem.

I really only have one person that I currently associate with who drinks more than socially, and he's a relative that I don't see all that often.

No, I was the lush in my circle, so getting sober just makes these relationships stronger.

Now, if I were 20 years younger, it would be a different story.

To the OP, you will make new friends--but it will take time. We grow and we move in different directions. Some of those new friends will be sober and some will be social drinkers. I don't think you will have a problem with either group. And FWIW, I'm betting that some of your old, hard drinking friends will eventually change their ways, and you will reconnect with them again.

Ohio1

Wow some great replies- thank you all for that. Its always nice to know others have dealt with similar situations.

I suppose I'm ok with my friends being alcoholics- I'm doing what I should do- I can't run their lives or do anything other than be there for them if they want some kind of support. This means I'm probably doing the right thing just kind of letting go in a way, I can't really do anything else obviously drinking and smoking weed again is not something I will do to rekindle a relationship that was sadly based on that.

If I break this down- I can't do anything differently or better. I am making positive changes I'm happy with and that is almost by definition causing me to drift from these people.

LadyBlue0527

I can completely relate too Ohio1. I think that was actually one of the hardest parts of quitting drinking was realizing that I had surrounded myself with alcoholics on purpose. Once sober I had to ponder what I was going to do now. At first I was upset that none of them reached out to me anymore and I blamed them for being shallow. Then, I realized, so what does that make me? I used them too.

You will rebuild and it will be better. The most positive thing is that eventually you will be surrounded by people who actually like you for you and you will return the same in friendship. I won't all be solely centered around the fact that you're holding an alcoholic beverage.

I've often wondered how many happy hours would really happen after work if there was no alcohol involved. Would the people that show up to "hang out with each other" who profess that there's a friendship that exists still be there if that adult beverage wasn't on the table?

DayTrader

If I'm honest with myself, a lot of my old "friends" were really more "position holders" than they were friends. At the time I couldnt see what I can now with the clarity of hindsight.

Some of these ppl were in my life because I felt smarter than average when I hung around with them. Others were there because they were successful in business and I wanted to get their money (I was a stockbroker) or their friend's money. Other ppl I had in my life to use as stepping stones to bigger positions at work, socially, or with women. And sadly, some were just in my life because they were so messed up that being around them helped me feel superior to at least someone. Mostly, I brought people into my life to cosign my own BS or to satisfy some narcissistic / ego-driven motive.

Pretty sad......

I'm not naive enough to suggest I don't still do that subconsciously at some level even now but I can say without a doubt that if I do, I'm not aware of it and I'm on the lookout for it all the time, given my past.

I have a lot more of what I can't call anything but real love for a TON more ppl now-a-days. Sure, I don't love everyone but boy, what a difference. I don't judge nearly as often nor as harshly as I used to. And when I do, I'm pretty good at catching myself and stopping myself.

My "new" friends are a lot different. They're genuinely nice, kind, sensitive, honest, loving folks who aren't perfect but they're working on it. They're ppl who are walking or trying to walk the same path in life that I'm attempting to walk. Gone are my old selfish motives. Gone are the positions that I put ppl in to satisfy me, help me, complete me.

GracieLou

The one friend I spoke about that I still talk to, I had to let go. I wanted nothing more than to take him with me but I cannot and letting go was the only way for me to move on. I say a special prayer for him.

I always kept going backwards. No matter how far I came in life I kept going back and re-visiting the past and the people in it. Like maybe If I did it differently the end result would be different. I realized how much I did this when I wrote my fourth step. Going back over and over again not only hurt them but I hurt myself by creating more resentments.

I have done this again recently. I thought about it, I told my sponsor about it but I was not sure I was really doing it until this morning. The person and the situation was not different, this time I was different. What I thought was an ideal situation was not because I have decided I want more and maybe for the first time in my life I feel I deserve more.

I also see that I am ready for more but, again, I have to accept that I where I need to be. I have to surrender and let go, again.

I swear sometimes I fight every friggin' thing. I still have that small piece that wants to control a situation I have no business trying to control. It is just another problem of my own making.

tomsteve

when I got onto recovery through AA, I found out just who my true friend were and who my drinking buddies were. not one phone call from the drinkin buddies. it hurt, but that was ok. I was finding new friends!! ones who actually helped me to solve my problems! and without alcohol!!
one who kept in contact was a friend of 20+ years. we did a LOT of insanity together int hat time, strayed away at times, hooked back up, and started the insanity all over. but in recovery it was a lil different with this one friend. he was still drinkin. I wasn't. hed make late night drunk calls and id tell him what happened and what im like now( he already knew what I was like). many nights he hung up as I would be tellin him how it was, only to cal the next morning not even know he had called the night before.
after about a 6-8 months of this, he got to the point of desperation and called. he got into AA,has been sober since, and our friendship has grown beyond anything I could imagine.
one thing wild is that of the ones I thought were my friends and were only drinkin buddies??? I haven't even ran into them out in public! but according to the obituaries and court action int he local paper some of them aren't able to run into me in public.

im ok with it today. I pray for the best for them.

thanks for starting this thread, Ohio1. it is just the thing I needed to look back on, remember where I was, and now I have an attitude of gratitude for not being who I was.

Grungehead

I think everyone has pretty much shared my experience with friends in sobriety, but I thought I'd throw in my experiences in the past as more examples you may identify with. I think you may identify with my first sober experiences at age 29 better than my most recent experiences where I had reached a point where I isolated from anyone and everyone possible. I had no relationships with friends and with only a few family members.

I wasn't able to see my relationships in a conscious and/or objective manner when I first got sober at age 29 (which lasted 7 years). I felt betrayed by my friends who didn't return calls and seemed to be avoiding me. After a few months of sobriety I realized that most if not all of my friends drank and drugged just like I did. And was it not me who picked my own friends? No one forced me to be friends with any of these people. I was able to look at these relationships objectively, and although I'm not proud to admit it I probably would have acted in the same way as them if I was in their shoes. This helped me avoid resentment towards them and see it for what it was, me hanging out with people who had the same things in common.

I eventually made many new friends in sobriety. My roommate for 2 years was in the program. I met a guy who became my golfing mentor and helped me achieve a level where I became a professional for a few years. There was a girl in the program that was a close friend for my first 2 years sober until we became intimate. A few months later we went back to being friends but it was never the same. I met a guy on the golf course (he was sober too) who became my best friend and best man at my wedding. I became close friends with a fellow employee where I worked and I ended up being his best man when he got married. All of these friendships were far better than any friendships I made while drinking and drugging.

I have found that when it comes to alcohol (and drugs) I'm an all or nothing kind of guy, and it seems as if my friendships seem to be based on that as well. I have had friends in the past (both in sobriety and active drinking) that drank "normally", but those were few and far between and were usually connected by other common interests like golf, my other obsession in life in which I seem to be all or nothing with (I haven't played in almost 2 years).