Caldus

Hi everyone,

I'm heading to the 7 month mark here now. I'm still on step 3 with my sponsor. I had a good night tonight with the home group meeting and tried to get outside of myself by talking to a lot of new people that came in tonight. And I got a sponsee that's calling once in a while but still being very flaky about everything.

When I come home at night and I'm sitting at my computer like I am right now, I still just get that desire to get wasted. I was basically a daily drinker but would always drink by myself at home. It's been great trying to do something different for myself these last 7 months but I still just get these nagging cravings to drink a lot. It's especially bad on the weekend nights. I try to counteract it with drinking cranberry juice and eating lots of snacks (and of course coffee!).

I've been trying to get more plugged in with the program, going to Starbucks and looking at my stepwork material, calling my sponsor everyday, having newcomers and sponsees call me, having service commitments, hitting meetings, etc. All of that stuff. I'm just not getting any relief with the cravings though. I just don't want to go back to managing hangovers everyday at work. It was hell. It's just not worth it (but I know this knowledge about things won't keep me away). I think I might know what the answer is but I guess I just don't want to accept it, lol. I guess it all has to do with God and the steps, right?

I'm not an atheist. That much I know. I just can't get pass the point where I feel like even if there was a God out there, He is just indifferent about me and other human beings (He's just some force out there that is doing whatever work and not concerned about me or able to have a "relationship" with me). I get way too abstract and theoretical about it all and then I just get stuck. I know I can't "figure it out".

Does it just take a really long time for some people for their cravings to be gone? My sponsor has been taking me through steps at a very slow pace and doing a ton of work on each step (because his sponsor is doing that with him). It's all been interesting stuff to me but then I go home and I'm in my head like "aggh I just want a drink". It's so insane.

Any thoughts? I know I sound really self-centered right now and I guess maybe that's just it. Maybe I'll finally realize just what it really means when people say "it's not about me". (I guess I'm still working a crappy program here...)

[EDIT]
I wanted to add this too ... I just see a lot of my home group members just enjoying themselves and it doesn't seem like they ever have these types of issues like still having cravings a lot. No one ever talks about it in the rooms at least (except for the newcomers). I feel like I'm the only one that is still having this huge battle inside with it all while everyone else has gotten over it or something. Does this make any sense? What has been your experience? Are people just not what they seem?

[EDIT2]
Oops crap. I meant to post in the 12 step forum. Mods, feel free to move this. Thanks and sorry for that!

neferkamichael

Caldus, I'm heading to the 7 month mark here now? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations.

Johno1967

I'd say there is more than just you having that inner battle. I feel good a lot of the time but sometimes the beast gives me a kick in the guts to let me know its still there. People deal with it differently. Also the old timers would be comfortable and at ease in your group.
Try not to rationalize too much. Tell yourself "easy does it" and "this too will pass". Take up mindfulness meditation. Just take some time when you get home to sit quietly and focus on the breath. Try a few minutes and increase it over the next few weeks. Look it up, its a powerful tool being used in many recovery programs and by psychiatrists and psychologists.
This is a journey, live it.

doggonecarl

First off, seven months is great.

Like you mentioned about the group not talking about it, one's stuggling and cravings (except for the newcomers) isn't often talked about and it becomes the elephant in the room.

I don't know if I was unusual or not, but I was still craving alcohol at seven months. Not as much as the beginning, but still.

I also thought, at the time, that seven months was a long time sober to still be struggling and craving. Now, with over 2 and a half years, I realized that seven months is still early in recovery. Keep doing what you are doing and you'll get there.

Nirvana1

Sounds like you are stuck on step 3?

One thing to realize is that step 3 says "made a decision" to turn our will and our lives over to the "care" of God as we understand him.

This step doesn't mean that we turn in our life over, it just means we make a decision to let God into our lives. Next it says "care of God" which doesn't mean we are blindly turning our lives over to something we don't fully understand, just making the decision to let a higher power take care of you in just what you understand at this point, even if you don't understand why.

Step 3 becomes easier to take knowing that you don't have to have it all figured out yet.

Everything you are worried about will be taken care of by the completion of the steps. Being stuck on steps but doing everything else to try and get results will leave you anxious and disappointed like you are. You are doing great. Find a new sponsor if they are not taking you through the steps because they haven't completed the steps. Keep up the good work.

bbthumper

I would say that if you are taking too long to get through the steps with your current sponsor then it may be time to find a new one. Especially if you are dealing with thoughts of drinking. THere is plenty of time to analyze and spend long amounts of time on each step after we have gone through them initially. BUt to sit on a 3rd step for months is risky.

Do you believe you or any other human cant relieve your alcoholism?
Do you believe God can help you?
Are you willing to do steps 4-12 so he can help you?

The steps, as mentioned above will get you connected to a power that will solve all of the problems you are having.

Willingness is all it takes. As soon as you can say you are willing its time to start writing a 4th.
As for working with others this early in recovery, I think its great. As long as someone with experience with all of the 12 steps is guiding you. We want to avoid a blind leading the blind situation.

2granddaughters

Don't judge your insides by other folks outsides. Trust me, anyone in their first year is struggling.

In my first year I thought I should know all the answers, sometimes I thought I did.

Second and third years I came to realize I didn't know half of the questions.

Your sponsor and the oldtimers will be able to answer your questions. I know right where you're at ... you are right where you are supposed to be.

There will be pain .. there will be growth. You can do it if you don't quit trying to stay "on the beam".

All the best.

Bob R

muvinon

How slow are you moving through the steps?

I began to see a pronounced change after step 9.

Caldus

Thanks for sharing your experience. I started to get that feeling after a while that maybe there's a lot going on that I don't know about -- like the cravings some of the people with more time in there are still struggling with. I started feeling that "elephant" in the room too. One guy with a little less time than me told me in private a few weeks ago that he wanted to drink one night but didn't act on it. I was sitting there thinking "man that has happened to me so many nights ... even now" but didn't want to say it for fear of being judged I guess.

Thanks. It's good to know that I can start working on the resentments before really have some sort of handle on a "higher power".

I understand. That has been my fear too with having sponsees now. My sponsor told me that even at 7 months I can still have sponsees as long as I am ahead of them in the steps. I believe my sponsor is still on the 4th step and has been on it for a REALLY long time (his sponsor has made him write hundreds of pages about resentments and so forth!). I'm just sitting there thinking wow this is going to take FOREVER to get real relief if I keep doing what I am doing here (if people insist that it typically happens when you get deeper into the steps).

I mean I don't know if I can keep on doing this (honestly). But I know that I'll feel a lot of guilt and shame if I relapse again this time. Then my mom will be in pain again about me. Sometimes I just get into a state of "well I'm still young and I don't want to grow up yet" but then I keep thinking about the horrible hangovers everyday and the anxiety and it's like **** I am so stuck here. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I should get a new sponsor who will work through the steps a lot faster and without the intense paperwork at each step (I was thinking about what you were saying in your post bbthumper). I guess that would mean I would have to get a new home group too.

bbthumper

Everyone is entitled to do what works for them, but the thought of making someone write hundreds of pages on a resentment makes me cringe. Its just not necessary. It may work for some, but it probably would send a lot of us back out there. A 4th step can be effectively written on a few sheets of loose leaf. Some people will have more, some will have less. BUt to spend months and months on the process is silly IMO.
If you are feeling the need to move on, take that as a sign. If you were comfortable where you are it would be a different story, but if you feel that you need more immediate relief, find someone who has worked all the steps and can get you through them quickly.

Best wishes!

artsoul

Congratulations on your 7 months, Caldus! I hope you give yourself a pat on the back for that!

I bet if you talk about this (the mental battle, craving a drink, etc.) in a meeting, you'll find that you're not as alone as you thought you were and you'll probably get lots of helpful responses.

One thing that also helped me was to look at what I was trying to get from alcohol (a break from worry, negative thinking, or a way to "let loose" or whatever), and start giving that to myself in a healthy sober way. It takes time to find new solutions.

Just keep at it and remember that drinking isn't going to give you what you're looking for. The truth is that when rely on alcohol and drugs to find fun and feel happy we have just put a stop to our abilities to find fun and happiness within ourselves. That's what we have to get back and what's going to make life worth living in the long run. Keep up the good work and good luck on the steps!