Jeni26

Thanks everyone x

bigsombrero

Maybe your sponsor needs a break? Now people are saying you should "call her every day"??? Do you really think that will help when she's clearly trying to avoid you? Your sponsor should not have taken you on if she can't handle it, so I'd ditch her, then find someone who is able to deal with your needs. You seem to be very very very entwined in the AA life right now, maybe you should step back and realize that these "steps" are just a theory in how to get you started. You are not a cog in an AA machine that produces cured addicts, you are a person!

Jeni26

Bigsombrero-this is a safe place for me to ask for advice from people who have used AA to successfully change their lives and I found your post unsettling.
I don't consider AA to be a way to merely get started. I intend it to be the basis on which I lead the rest of my life.
I don't think my sponsor is merely avoiding me, she clearly has other stuff going on for her right now. It was never my intention to ditch her, or to bombard her with phone calls. I want to show support, whilst ensuring I continue to make progress because I'm wary of making a mistake or stalling in my recovery.
I am a person yes, one who is working hard to do the best I can to stay sober. I don't consider myself a cog in a machine.
I trust that whatever I run up against in my recovery, someone on this forum will have experienced the same at some point and I value their experience.
It isn't a place to question whether AA is right for me, I've already made that decision.

muvinon

I disagreed with people who were suggesting that you help your sponsor now, though. I do see the point sombrero is making.

People are often willing to sponsor.....and certainly do their best. But if they end up with life stuff that prevents them from continuing that work, it would be fabulous if they just admitted it. Unfortunately, that's really super-mature. lol And what happens more often is what you're experiencing. It's left to the sponsee to figure out what to do.

I suggest you just find another sponsor, thank this one for helping you, and move forward. I seriously doubt another sponsor is going to make you repeat work you've already done. Perhaps just a very good and long conversation about the step work so far would suffice.

The point of the steps is for you. This is an inside job. We don't work the steps to satisfy some sponsor requirements. Doing the program that way IS being a cog, not a person.

Find someone who gets that. That person will have much to offer you in so many ways.

paul99

AA doesn't "cure" any one or any thing.

Jeni26

Thanks all. I do think I probably need to take a bit of a break from this at the moment. I don't want to continue and get this wrong, but I don't want to step on my sponsors toes or appear uncaring.

My head is getting a bit muddled with it all at the moment. But I'm strong in my sobriety and not in any danger, so I will be just fine I think.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses.

bigsombrero

No, but it does convince people they are "doing it wrong", and leads to a lot of confusion about life and sobriety, apparently.

bigsombrero

You are right, I was not speaking from my experience, but rather just giving advice. I am sorry for that, it wasn't a good response and didn't help anything. I just reacted poorly when I saw that advice that said "of course, like good AA members, call her every day!" -- it struck me as very out-of-touch and I jumped in.

Once again my apologies, this is about your recovery and what works best for you. Good luck.

paul99

You might have the wrong idea of what AA is. You are more than welcome to ask questions from everyone here in the 12-step recovery forum if there is any confusion.

AA has done the opposite for me - it's given me precise and crystal clear directions on how to recover from alcoholism and has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams based on simple spiritual practices that I apply in my life. There is no confusion at all.

My old drunk life - that was confusing

Jeni26

Progress tonight. I saw my sponsor, gave her a hug and she seemed in much better spirits. I have accepted a service position at my Monday meeting which is the most important one of the week for me because its small and I feel really comfortable sharing there. It is like a little family and safe for me.
Everything seems a bit more hopeful at the moment.

tomsteve

AA doesnt produce confusion about life and sobriety. many,many years of drinking does. AA gives us who go to AA and work the program a solution and helps us get rid of the confusion and become active, productive members of society.

paul99

That's wonderful to hear, Jeni!

Veritas1

I have been working the steps on my own this past month by using my big book and listening to the big book experience talks.

I have to sigh as the talks are incomplete, and after listening to over 10 hours...feel spent, but have column one started.

I could identify with you over reliance on some outside source that fails us in one way or another.

I was angry that whomever recorded the talks, left off step two, and then jumped into how it works with a gap as well. Ugh!

I also had the experience of a sponsor getting ill after working with me up through step 7.

We were "going strong", made it up to step 8, and then the sponsor disappeared. I still cannot get a return call years later! Must not have been me, but it felt that way then.

The point is this happened to me...that I honestly did the steps with a sponsor up to step 7, and then lost the guide...sponsor...the work stopped.

I was fine, I thought. After all, I didn't want to do 8 or 9 anyway, and figured "I" would just live in 10, 11, and 12...and was done with the steps...and I drank again.

I had two other sponsors that I did the work with and guess where I fell off again....8 and 9.

I don't have advice to give...only wanted to say, this happened to me...and "me" taking over....didn't work out for me.

Now, I feel like I am at that place again, when my "guide" has faults....

I feel spent after going through the book with Joe and Mark, disecting step one...physical allergy, mental obsession, I feel like I cannot listen to another word!

But I must.

I must finish these steps, all of them.

I also feel fear over past attempts at step work, and work that I had done...good honest work...not being enough to keep me sober.

I have been at this a very........long time.

Now I feel like I keep going back and going over, repeating stuff, and I get frustrated. Now I have a column one list, and the thought that "I" know this will become my amends list, and from the start...my mind says, here we go again...back at that point...knowing that I will most likely have the same thing happen.

That feeling is depressing.!

Assuming that I will never want to contact people that hate me...so what's the point of 8 and 9...yet fear, if I don't do it, I might not do it...the steps..."right".

The fear of not getting the steps "right", has been causing doubt, but I am still just trying to not drink and listen and read, and honestly it has felt pretty awful.

All of my past, being shown to me. Step one never feels good. And so I had the guide, skip over two, over a recording error, and then did the quick step 3 prayer, and now into 4, but have fear I don't have a solid one or two.

Fear over doubt over one.

They said any trouble with any step is really a step one issue.

I am left spinning.

Now I don't know whether to start over...the old 1, 2, 3 shuffle, just using book, or return to AA and meetings and get a sponsor and stop trying to do it on my own.

I feel like the book has the instructions, and all I need is the book. No human power right? I don't know.

Maybe I need someone.

Hang in there Jeni!

Veritas1

Has anyone had expererience of feeling like it is groundhog day with these steps.

Chronic relapsers that have had numerous attempts at step work, cannot help but feeling like this is a broken record that keeps getting played over and over again, no?

Looking forward to hearing from people that this may have happened to.

Thanks!

Day ? I feel like I know it's over one month. I feel tired, like my life has become the repeating of old information....I know doing this work daily is repeating the same words over and over again. I am staying sober.

It just gets monotonous, no?

Does anyone feel rote in the repetition?

I wish I could make this come alive. I feel like I am the point of throwing my book in the garbage. I feel spent. I feel like how can I keep trying this?

But it's coupled with the "knowing" that it's working...the proof that when I "do this" I stay sober.

I am also having trouble with the idea that it is not me that is keeping myself sober, that God is doing it for me as I do the work daily versus drinking.

Again, feeling a mess.

Thank you for letting me share. Sorry to jump on your thread. Have wanted to post for days about feeling badly, but didn't want to over fear.