paul99

I have a question for those of you women and men who sponsor others.

One of my sponsees (my first one, actually) has been on his 4th for about 5 months now. I would like to see him complete it sooner than later. I don't want to control his journey, nor do I want to be lackadaisical about it either. This is life-saving stuff. He has started working, working out, hanging with new AA buddies...having a life, basically, and I feel that his 4th is something that is at the bottom of the list, which I understand of course. as it's not the easiest thing to do especially when there are more "fun' things to do.

Now, I know that I dragged my feet with mine. My sponsor never hounded me, never asked me where I was with it or confronted me about it. It took me some realizations of my own to get my butt in gear and finally finish it. In our talks with this sponsee, I do mention his inventory, and even helped him put together a daily plan so that he has time to work on his 4th. He even put a deadline on it for himself, but he has passed it by two months.

So I am just looking for direction or advice on this. I would really like him to get this done so he can move on and get free, but don't want to be a controlling / firing kind of guy. What have you done in this kind of situation? Or is this simply a pray and meditate kind of situation? (And yes, I have spoken to my sponsor about this - just wanted to hear more experiences!)

Thanks!

hamabi

Imo there are two ways to deal with this.

You could get him aside between workouts and mention your desire that he finish, possibly giving him a deadline to do so. I don't see how you could do that without being controlling, getting his back up, taking the responsibility for his recovery, and setting a bad example for the work he'll hopefully eventually do to help new people find a lasting answer.

The other is to back off and let nature take it's course. He'll complete it or he'll drink again whenever he has insufficient relief from his alcoholism that he is now getting from the things he's doing in AA other than the steps. Drinking again is a signal to the alcoholic that the solution he is applying to his condition is insufficient. Believing that he has developed a long term solution that will work well for him without progressing in the steps is self-delusion, and delusions are ultimately harmful imo.

So you could examine this in terms of which alternative would help him more, and which alternative would help you more, and then make your decision as to what is the best action, or inaction to choose here.

ANEWAUGUST

"He even put a deadline on it for himself but, he has passed it by two months"...

Have you had a conversation with him about missing the deadline?

I tended to be a procrastinator.

My sponsor reminded me of this. I needed to be reminded that I was to become more responsible, more reliable. If I said I was going to do something, I needed to do it. If I set a deadline, I needed to honor it. This is the beginning of living by spiritual principles..

I would gently remind him of the importance of this step, for both of you. That step 4 is where we stop talking and start walking, by the steps into action.

I had to be reminded of my priorities, and putting first things first...like my sobriety a number of times early in my journey.

Share from your heart, that it is because you truly care about him, that you would like to mutually set a date to complete this step. Agree on the date, put it on the calendar.

What he does from there, is his choice.

Tommyh

good question Paul
here is what my sponsor did with me and I do it with others,no exceptions

we meet weekly to go over the work.He looked at my writing,and read over it to make sure I was on the right track and doing it right.As a sponsor,that was his job.
I do the same,I open their notebook and look at it.I may even ask a question or two.
As a sponsor,it is my job to help him,even when he may balk a little.


If a sponsee misses a week or two and don`t show up or even call me,then I see it as he is balking.That happens sometimes.When it does we can do one of several things.
I can say,call me when you are ready and go about my business and seek out someone else who is willing to do the work.
One more thing I can do is hang in there with them and try to get them back to weekly meetings between us and look at his work to see he is really doing it and doing it right.I ask sponsees to write 1/2 hour to 1 hour a day on their work.Of course they don`t,but that`s what my sponsor wanted me to do.
Everyone has their own way of doing things,no two have ever been alike.The main thing is they do it.

I would suggest you meet with him and have him bring his big book and notebook with his 4th step.If he shows up without it,send him home.He ain`t following directions.
His job is to follow directions.If he shows up with it,you look it over and see if he has been on the right track.Make arrangements to meet the next week with him and look for progress in his writing.If he balks,go find someone else and let him stew in whatever he is doing.

a key is for the sponsor and sponsee to meet weekly and the sponsor looks over the writing and helps the sponsee stay on the right track and to make progress.As long as the sponsee is making progress,time should not be a factor.Progress,not perfection

also
when we meet,the first thing we do is pray.Then we focus on the work.I never let them get off on a tangent about their relationships or jobs etc.
We do the work first,and then if there is anything they want to talk about,we usually do....briefly

omegasupreme

Pain is always my biggest motivator...and tons of it. My sponsor doesn't give me deadlines. He just says call me when you are finished with xxxxxx assignment. That's what I started doing with my guys. The exercise may scare them away, but the pain will eventually lead them to find a solution...that solution is a) alcohol, b) suicide, c) stepwork

muvinon

I offer to meet weekly. But I have one sponsee who won't complete step 8. I've nagged to the point that I'm done nagging.

But when she calls with an issue, I remind her that the promises usually start manifesting themselves after step 9 is complete. And then I'm pretty cheerful and keep a light touch. She knows.

I have turned this over to God now. I can't do the work for her.

paul99

Thanks for the great responses so far. Great wealth of experience.

I do meet with the guys once a week, sometimes more if needed, especially at the beginning or when they ask. I certainly try to steer away from things that aren't related to the work - I am not their buddy per se, but I will listen to something if they (or I) feel that it's important to their recovery.

I like the idea of putting the onus on him, and yet being supportive. I am meeting him this afternoon and if he is at home, ask him to bring his inventory so far. I think that alone may kickstart him a bit...sort of like brushing your teeth like mad before going to the dentist

I think I may ask him to bring his book every time we meet, and then not bring it up if or when we chat on the phone or if we text throughout the week.

Thanks guys

laurie6781

Paul I have had many over the years that either get 'stuck' on step 4 or pro-
crastinate.

I do what my sponsor did for me .................................. on our weekly
meeting I take them back to step 3 and we do it again, then I 'Let It Go'.
When the sponsee is hurting bad enough or even if the sponsee goes back
out, is not my problem. I usually see, after redoing Step 3 positive progress
in completing step 4 and moving on.

It is NOT my job to keep a sponsee sober. It IS my job to guide them thru
the steps as I was guided, by showing them how I worked the steps and
now live the steps. What they do with that is UP TO THEM.

I have had many sponsees over the years, some make it some do not. I
do however, have contact with many of sponsees who are now all over the
world, having moved around in their sobriety, from Norway to Australia,
to India, etc Working with sponsees HELPS me to stay sober.

Go with your gut on this one Paul. You know this particular sponsee, we do
not. Maybe back to a step 3, or maybe just sitting down with him and asking
him what is going on? Maybe just talking with you can get him over the hump.

Either way, thank HP for your sobriety. Don't stress over the sponsee, either
he will make it this time or will need some more practicing. In the meantime
working with this fellow is helping you to stay sober!!!!

Love and hugs,

Lily

I guess that when I REALLY wanted to complete mine I was soooo willing, I did my homework as I felt that the hour she was setting aside for me was so worth it, I almost felt as if I should be paying her. LOL However, before that w/ other sponsors I dragged my feet, then did it real quickly just for her. ?? hard call.

Fernaceman

Very interesting to see this from the sponsor's perspective. Thank you for the thread and responses.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest sponsees make a deadline and schedule their fifth step.

shaun00

Your taking someone through using your own experience Paul...Not any ones else's...so if it worked for you, even though you may have taken sometime with your 4/5 ...Its all the experience you have and it obviously had the desired effect.

My experience, was pretty swift..my last formal 4 took 9 hours....i heard someone say...its not the deed...its the theatre of the deed that needs to be seen...so i sometimes think that reams and reams of paperwork means nothing unless we truly see the instinct that is running riot..

I remember the first time i took someone through the work....I was quite fearful, wondered whether i could do it, whether i should wait...blah blah blah....when in fact, the requirement is just to show someone what i did to recover using the book.

paul99

I met with my guy this afternoon. But before we met, I texted him and told him "bring your inventory". I kept a few of the things in mind mentioned here, and just went with where I felt guided to go. I laid out my experience with dragging my feet in my own inventory, and what my fears and worries were. He identified and we spoke about his own roadblocks in doing the work. I mentioned about his going to all lengths that he agreed to when we first met. We went over just a little bit of what he had done, clarified one or two things, and offered my suggestions. We agreed that every time we meet we would look at his progress. (thanks tommyh for that one). We didn't put a deadline on it, but I think accountability is more at the forefront, and for this guy, this is something he responds to. The last thing I mentioned to him was to keep his inventory sheets in a folder or binder...they were flying out of his bag and banged up. Related my experience of respecting not only the work, but how respecting those cheap pieces of paper was a way of respecting his life-saving endeavor, and in the end, respecting himself. He agreed

It went much better than I thought, and he gave me a homemade Christmas card, which really touched me.

In the end, I learned a lot about trusting in my HP's guidance and wisdom no matter what, and not worrying about the process...let it go. And I feel it manifested in one way by all your comments and help in this....Him working through agents

Thanks again.

sunriseshell

is there any other way to get a sponsor besides going to AA meeting? And what is the process?

paul99

Hi sunriseshell.

Going to an AA meeting is the best way to get a sponsor. In going to AA meetings, you are also getting connected to the lay out of the program and the fellowship. It's in the fellowship you will meet other women who, as they say, have what you want. You will see and talk to other women who you might feel a connection to.

As far as the "process", well, there isn't much of one other than going up and asking someone if they are sponsoring and if they could sponsor you. Some people may have too many sponsees, or haven't actually worked the steps or might not be able to for some reason, but that happens. Don't be discouraged! Some meetings have people identify as temporary sponsors, so you can easily ask them after the meeting, and they can get you started (as the term implies).

It is important to get a sponsor - I can't stress that enough.

Good luck

miamifella

Some sponsors have an interview process. Most people I asked met with me, asked me a bunch of questions and in some cases had follow up meetings to ask me more questions. Two went on to have me interview with their sponsors.

bbthumper

I have dealt with this with every one I have sponsored it seems. Ive always gone back to first step. I ask my sponsee if he still believes that he has an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. I have had to point out to a few sponsees that they are acting in a manner which would suggest that they believe they have some power over alcohol and spiritual growth has lost its priority. Its not an order, but an observation. One that seems to "knock some sense" into someone who has lost momentum. I know I was guilty of dragging my feet a bit with the 4th and I needed a good nudge to get me goin again.

IndaMiricale

IMHO

I believe in the adage of the differance between dreams and goals is simply a time line. So action is key.

And to reach a dream it is nothing more than a series of goals strung together...

I like to sit with my sponsor and make a date to finish or start things. And even little check points along the way.. Small baby step to achieve great strides..

And remember you cant make anyone drink or not drink. All you can do is pass on what you have learned, and keep yourself sober...

Music

You're not controlling his journey. He's controling yours. You're his sponsor. Dictate to him rather than follow as you're doing. You're the one with the experience he wants....I assume.

Deadlines don't mean anything if he looses sight on the goal. The goal is to get sober. He's being sidetracked by fun stuff and would rather do that than work the steps. Get him back on track. Back to the basics. You're the only one who can other than John Barleycorn.

The guys I've worked with who've not done the steps before are told to be at my house on a Saturday morning with notebook and writing utensil in hand and be ready to go to work. By the time they leave, they've done up to and including step 8 and have a plan for step 9. Once or twice their fourth and fifth have taken a little longer than we thought so we finish on Sunday but it's done and out of the way. They leave with the feeling that they've done the best they can up to this point and that more will be revealed in time. At least, the fear of doing the steps for the first time is gone and they can move on.

sunriseshell

Thank-you to everyone who responded. Helpful to know. I still haven't gone to a in person meeting. I think it would be good to go and connect.
Aloha