GraceBliss

Hi, All,

I'm having some concerns about my relationship with my sponsor. She rarely returns my calls, and when she does, it's several days later. She then expresses frustration and agitation with me for not connecting with her often enough, even though when I do, she never responds.

I think it may be time to move on, but I worry she may get upset with me if I do so.

She seems to still want to be my sponsor - when I bring up with prospect of getting a new one, she doesn't seem too keen on the idea. But I don't know that for a fact.

I moved to a new city and feel like maybe it's just time to move on. She seems determined to forge ahead with Step Four, despite the fact that I no longer feel trusting enough of her to talk to her about intimate details of my life.

She seems resentful of me. Could it be because I moved? Whatever the case, I seem to be a source of frustration and even bitterness for her right now. It's a dangerous place for me to be, I feel.

Has anyone ever "divorced" a sponsor before? Any tips on how to do so amicably?

Thanks,
Grace

tomsteve

if she gets upset with you for getting a new sponsor, thats her problem.
yer problem is trust. that aint good. it could very well be a sign from yer HP that its time to find another sponsor.
check yer motives 1st.

2granddaughters

You don't have to divorce your sponsor because you are not married.
You can unilaterally break off the relationship at any time and thank her for all that she has done and move on to a new sponsor.
At the same time a sponsor can cease sponsoring a newcomer after carefully explaining the situation and making sure the newcomer will be looked after by the oldtimers until he/she gets another sponsor.
Mutual care and concern for one-another is all that's required.

All the best.

Bob R

paul99

You don't have to worry about her reaction - it's hers, not yours. I wonder about someone getting upset at the thought of one of their sponsees looking elsewhere. Any sponsor who bristles at this may not be sponsor material.

Trust is a vital thing in this relationship, and if it's not there, it might be time to move on. If you do move on, be careful to not be sponsorless for long - you don't want to get too comfortable or in a position where you need guidance. Working the steps is critical - don't hold off too long

Elisabeth888

If you have ANY doubts about her DO NOT do your 4th step with her. You need someone you connect with daily, that you relate to on some level, respect them and the way they conduct their life, and above all else, someone that you trust implicitly.

Don't worry about how she feels if you change sponsors. This is a time when you matter more. Your recovery matters and if she is not helping it grow, MOVE ON.

I changed from a woman who was verbally abusive to me and others and had major control issues in July. I cannot tell you the difference it has made with a new sponsor. The one I have now is the best one I have had, hands down. You deserve a good one too.

bbthumper

If she gets upset about you finding a new sponsor then you know you've made the right choice.

Sapling

I'm curious about her wanting to forge ahead with step four. When did you make your decision with step three? That's when we get into action.

Lily

All I will say is worrying about what others thought of me was part of my problem, I found the solution in the steps. I like what was said by bbthumper.

Having said that, I can honestly say that when I would get honest with people, rarely did they ever react like I thought they were going to. (The way I reacted to others was the same way I thought they would react toward me, offended, upset, etc. I was always looking at others through my perspective, if that makes sense. (I now know i was the problem) Today now that I am a healthier state of mind, I don't react to others like I used to, thus I do not expect them to react toward me much either, and if they do overreact it just doesn't bother me anymore) Hope that makes sense. I pray God would lead to you to just the right person, and that you get the healing that takes place as you work thru the steps. (((HUGS)))

Veritas1

I was taught to say:

"Thank you for helping me with my alcoholism."

We don't have to explain, or apologize. I am sure they know when it's not working just as we do.

Sometimes...folks are just not a match.

People move in and out of our lives.

Say thank you, and wish her well.

Tommyh

pray about it
you already have the answer inside of you

muvinon

Principles before personalities.....I really suggest people look at this like those "add a pearl" necklaces. Find someone new to work with on the steps and keep friendly relations with your former sponsor. That way, you've made 2 really close friends.

Whatever the feelings are today......they'll change.

I read a lot of mind-reading in your post. When I'm guessing, I have learned to remember that I'm wrong about my guesses around 50% of the time. I'll think someone thinks this or that, only to find out later......not even close to what was actually going on in their minds.

When I chose my sponsor, the best thing someone said was..."There's no divorce court in AA." Just move on and keep that door open by being grateful for whatever help she gave you. I'm sure you needed it, and I'm sure she needed to help you, too.

It's all good.

GraceBliss

Thank you all so much for your insight and suggestions. I talked to my sponsor in person yesterday, and explained to her that I needed to work with someone at this point in my life who can talk with me on the phone each day, and meet with me in person once per week to work on the steps. She responded that she couldn't be there this much for me right now, but that she also wanted to get me through Step Four first.

I've decided I do not want to work with her on Step Four. I don't trust her enough to even be real with her about my feelings. When I told her about my abusive relationship, her response was, "That's weird".

Imagine confiding something very personal and devastating to someone, and feeling very alone about it all, and that is their response!

It is time for me to move on. I am praying and leaving what happens up to God. He will take care of me, if I just have faith.

Thank you all so much~

Love,
Grace

tomsteve

hhhmmm, wanting you to wait til you were done with the 4th to move on??
IMO, that was confirmation from her HP to move on.

keep yer ears open and the right one will appear.

sendin out payers for ya!

NYCDoglvr

Your # priority must be to safeguard your sobriety and I strongly urge getting a new sponsor. What she thinks is irrelevant and she's not your mom. Remember, we're all just alcoholics.

GraceBliss

Thank you all. I'm going to move along. I'm currently seeking a new sponsor now. Hope to have one by the end of the year, if at all possible.

paul99

Glad you did what you needed to do to protect your sobriety. As mentioned by others, anything outside of her saying "I understand and I wish you the best" is evidence to her not being who you need to help you in the steps. It would be easy to jump on her for this, but she is only transmitting what she most likely received herself. Not bad, not worse, just different.

Good luck with your sponsor hunt! Pray