"gracious" from the Big Book
 

"He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be.

What exactly the word gracious in the Big Book means? A condescending attitude?

courteous yet condescending.

No I don’t think it means condescending. I think it means gracious (charm, good taste, kindness, and generosity) but it is the underlying motive that is being addressed. Graciousness here being just one more way of attempting to exert control over others. The quote is from page 61.

IMO perfunctory or superficial would have been a better choice of words in this instance.

perfunctory - [adj]
1. done superficially, only as a matter of routine; careless or cursory
2. dull or indifferent

superficial -[adj]
1. Of, affecting, or being on or near the surface: a superficial wound.
2. Concerned with or comprehending only what is apparent or obvious; shallow.
3. Apparent rather than actual or substantial: a superficial resemblance.
4. Trivial; insignificant

"The first requirement is that you see that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives may be good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show: is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wishes, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself some more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be."

How It Works

To include the paragraph before your quote explains what Bill meant as he defines gracious and demanding above.

He uses different words to describe what he calls "more demanding or gracious" simply in the second paragraph but the original words are in the first paragraph.

Well, this here is where you you guys start to lose me... I really don't think the choice of words here is that important, nor is the precise meaning of "gracious"... the idea is that no matter what our "actor" tries to do to make things work... mean, nice, hateful, loving, kind, bitter, self pitying.... things don't work because our actor is always DRUNK!!!

Edit....Drunk... or still living on self will, of which which either can exist independently.

Think "charming."

Like none of us know that trick? Charm others out of their suspicions, money, etc.

Thanks Veritas for the full quote. When I first read that, something really clicked and I could identify that was what I did. Having this insight, I started to see my actions for what they really were.
Graciouness works for me, just another BS facade to mask our manipulation while appearing "nice".

CaiHong

Always made me think of "people pleasing."
Which is a silly name because I really could have cared less if people were actually pleased it was always about making my life easier. If people around me were happy then my life was easier. Being "gracious" was one of my favorite tools for getting what I wanted.

It's meant to contrast with the previous word, "demanding" painting the widest available spectrum.

I was listening to Sandy B. Saturday Morning Live Step 3 today, and he started talking about this subject of being gracious...as it is in the big book.

Check it out!


Sandy B. from Washington, DC speaking on the topic of the 3rd step at the Saturday Morning Live Group in Washington, DC «

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Me too. I wanted some opinions but I still think that gracious means a people pleasing, condescending attitude.

I think demanding and gracious are polar opposites. Being demanding we are very mean, exigent, intolerant. Being gracious we are too tolerant, complacent, condescending, people-pleasing (which is just a way to get others approval).

In the portuguese translation of the Big Book the word gracious was substituted by the word "condescendente", which means "condescending".

Definition of GRACIOUS
1
a obsolete : godly
b archaic : pleasing, acceptable
2
a : marked by kindness and courtesy <a gracious host>
b : graceful
c : marked by tact and delicacy : urbane
d : characterized by charm, good taste, generosity of spirit, and the tasteful leisure of wealth and good breeding <gracious living>
3
: merciful, compassionate —used conventionally of royalty and high nobility



When all else fails, dictionary is great! lol

Me too!! I was so nicey appearing all those things to get my way, I just couldn't take no. So glad I can take no today and really believe that it is from God. :)

What page of the big book is that on?

Page 61