odaat

I'm coming up to six years without a drink. I did a couple of years in AA. I left when I had a baby and never made it back. I'm starting to think I need to, maybe. I'm not sure. It's been over 3 years since my last meeting.

The program seems to be calling me but I'm scared to go back. I have (had - even back then) a fear that I wasn't really an alcoholic, that I was just faking. That I was pretending or exaggerating.

I felt right at meetings. Everything folk said was right. I thought like they thought. I drank like they drank. I still doubted though - did I fake it because I wanted somewhere to belong? Was growing up with a parent in AA the reason I turned to AA? Was I just a teenage binge drinker? Are my mental health problems the real issue, and I was using AA as a crutch?

Why after nearly 6 years do I get cravings to drink. Why do I still think of going back to AA?

I don't remember all that much of the program, but I'm finding myself full of resentments at the moment and know that back then, the program would have helped me.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts.

muvinon

To me, drinking was but a symptom.

I stay because of my thinking. Sounds like you're ready to deal with that, too.

DayTrader

I'd be scared too....and that's one of the reasons I keep going now. .

Anyway each time i take a new sponsee through the book, I start out telling myself that maaaaaybe I'm not an alkie anymore. Maybe I over reacted. Maybe I was just a heavy drinker and can use AVRT or some other self-knowledge program and don't need to always be thinking of others, helping others, writing inventory, making amends, etc.

As I take my sponsee through the questions and propositions, I apply them to myself..... Each an every time it's been totally apparent that I AM an alcoholic and that I really AM in the right place.

Of course, One could always drink again and find out that way......but I find doing it through God via the steps is a whole lot easier, cheaper, and safer.

tomsteve

"Why after nearly 6 years do I get cravings to drink. Why do I still think of going back to AA?
"

i know the BB says we dont like to pronounce any individuals as alcoholic, but sometimes it helps.
IMO its happening because you are an alcoholic.

have you been working the program? or have you been white knuckling it? what i am reading is a premeditated drunk and i would highly suggest ya get yer but to a meeting before ya drink.

hypochondriac

Maybe because you're an alcoholic and need to go back to AA

I don't see why you are pondering this question odaat... What harm could it do? I reckon those doubts would die down if you went back. People will be glad to see you and hopefully you'll feel better x

Itchy

Since it worked before, were I at that meeting I would applaud your return before you drank!


I used AA as part of my recovery in early sobriety along with here on SR to get sober. If I felt the need of the meetings again I have a terrific home group here locally that I can go back to. Several of the members there have decades of sobriety and still come to the meetings.

I am sure you would get a kick out of being there for a re try and see if they have what you need now! It can't hurt and costs at most fuel and a buck in the basket.

You got nothing to lose and can only gain! This cost/benefit analysis is a no-brainer.

Congrats on the six years, I have two and some change myself.

sugarbear1

I know of a woman who returned after 30 years of sobriety. She had been to AA for a while, left, stayed sober and recently returned. She's happy she did return.

Do what you need to do for you!

odaat

I've not really done any work since I left. I did. 18 months in therapy which helped my thinking but stopping that I slipped back.

I spend too much time thinking about drinking. I should go back. It's just been so long.

I worry hugely about things. What if it is all different? What if its all the same? What if my sorta-sponsor has died? (He was quite old).

I had another baby, I don't know if I can leave him the whole time. Ill probably have to leave during the smoking break. I've never done that before. It's be ok right?

Why am I so nervous? I did it right last time - sponsor, steps, service. Is it failure to go back? Like running home with my tail between my legs?

Thank you for helping me work this out.

tomsteve

what i am reading is something typical of an alcoholic: predicted the outcome of something beyond now and have made the outcome in your head negative. yer not even there and yer predicting it to not be a good experience. yer letting the illusion of fear control ya. it doesnt read like its doin ya any good. now, when ya stop living in the problem and begin living in the solution, the problem will go away.
fear is an illusion. i create the ilusion myself. what i use to combat fear is courage. courage doesnt mean the absence of fear. it means i will do the right thing in spite of fear.

you may have fear of how you will be received. low self esteem?

CarolD

I'm always pleased to see former AA members return ..regardless
of why they left....

Yes...do go back and welcome back to SR too...

odaat

Yes, probably low self esteem. Took a lot for me to overcome the anxiety to go to my first meeting, just because of the fear of the unknown. Now I should not have that fear but I wonder if its changed.

I don't know what I'd say, I don't know if I'm comfortable identifying myself as an alcoholic.

Stupid as it sounds, I don't want people to think I've slipped. I'm proud of my sobriety even if its been white knuckle at times. I don't know why I care what anyone else thinks. Then I argue sobriety vs dry time aren't the same and I don't feel 5 years sober, only 5 years dry.

Meeting I was going to was supposed to be tonight but childcare didn't work out. Shall hope for Thursday instead.

Do I go back to my home group? I've not been back since I resigned as secretary. I feel shame at that. It was a group that struggled to get folk to do service, and that was how it was done - you did it till you couldn't anymore, left the keys on the table and said someone else needed to step up. I was heavily pregnant and unable to walk without crutches and I just couldn't do it anymore. My sponsor thought it was right, but I feel guilt and shame.

Tommyh

I would go back before I took a drink

2granddaughters

odaat, it sounds like it's time to get back to odaat in AA.

My sobriety/sanity/serenity is "a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition".

All the best.

Bob R

paul99

All the if's, why's and uncertainty can be dealt with simply by going back to a meeting. We alcoholics are geniuses at overcomplicating things - so keep it simple. Go to a meeting. Any meeting. And then see where you're at. I can almost guarantee that it won't be anything the way you are perceiving it right now!

Like a glove, it will fit just like it did all that time ago.

Good luck!

odaat

I decided to go to a meeting. First one I couldn't get to, second one I couldn't get to. Next one I can't get to. Hopefully the one after that. Childcare is a nightmare so I'm not going to be able to go very often. Very frustrating situation. I know that sounds like excuses but I really don't know how to do get there. I don't have anyone, apart my husband, to watch the kids, and he isn't overly supportive of me going to AA and is terrified of being in charge of the baby. Sigh!