Close call
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Close call
I am here to post that I just had an extemely close call. I almost drank.
I thought the problem was removed, and it didn't exist for me anymore, since I hadn't felt like drinking for days now.
Seriously, I almost hoped it was removed.
But it is still there.
I realized it was anger today. Anger arose, and my head said very clearly. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to drink.
The thought came on in a moment of anger.
I was angry over something my husband said. Instantly my thoughts went to getting drunk.
I left the house, and drove to the store, as I was heading out the door when the anger happened.
I stopped at the store to get the Sunday paper (not alcohol), and I called my sponsor.
She didn't answer. I called another lady (past sponsor), and she was home.
I told her I was angry and I was on day 13, and I had the thought to drink, but I didn't want to drink so I was calling her, and hoped that was alright. I told her it was 13 days since the last time I got angry and bought a bottle of vodka.
She knows all about my history and how I drink, and my husband, etc. everything.
She said she had company over and they were all watching Football so she didn't have time to talk to me, Goodbye.
WTF
I hung up the phone and cried. I won't call anyone ever again I thought. I will get responsible and get the paper, pick up the food, and go home.
I thought of how I was just listening to Sandy B. Step 2, only one hour prior, and how it was absurd I would drink after all I have been doing to ensure sobriety.
I read my pages 86-88 this morning. I said my prayers. I came to SR. I was in service today. I cooked breakfast for my family, I did laundry, I cleaned my home.
All it takes is anger and resentment, and I am going to go drink?
That's all it took.
But I didn't drink.
Part of me said go home and get on SR, and reach out. That is your home group. Go there, and get it out, and go home and make some coffee.
This too shall pass.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate how alcoholism is waiting to kill me.
Now the tears are coming...streaming down my face.
I hate her for telling me she had no time for me.
God please remove my fears and resentments, and the obsession to drink when I am angry. I pray for knowledge of your will for us and the power to carry that out.
Help me not to expect too much from people, Amen.
It was a close call. Too close. I feel disappointed in myself. All it takes is me and my resentments and anger, and I imagine one day, it's gonna get me again.
Not today.
Not today.
Oh God, Dear God, Please help me. Amen.
I thought the problem was removed, and it didn't exist for me anymore, since I hadn't felt like drinking for days now.
Seriously, I almost hoped it was removed.
But it is still there.
I realized it was anger today. Anger arose, and my head said very clearly. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to drink.
The thought came on in a moment of anger.
I was angry over something my husband said. Instantly my thoughts went to getting drunk.
I left the house, and drove to the store, as I was heading out the door when the anger happened.
I stopped at the store to get the Sunday paper (not alcohol), and I called my sponsor.
She didn't answer. I called another lady (past sponsor), and she was home.
I told her I was angry and I was on day 13, and I had the thought to drink, but I didn't want to drink so I was calling her, and hoped that was alright. I told her it was 13 days since the last time I got angry and bought a bottle of vodka.
She knows all about my history and how I drink, and my husband, etc. everything.
She said she had company over and they were all watching Football so she didn't have time to talk to me, Goodbye.
WTF
I hung up the phone and cried. I won't call anyone ever again I thought. I will get responsible and get the paper, pick up the food, and go home.
I thought of how I was just listening to Sandy B. Step 2, only one hour prior, and how it was absurd I would drink after all I have been doing to ensure sobriety.
I read my pages 86-88 this morning. I said my prayers. I came to SR. I was in service today. I cooked breakfast for my family, I did laundry, I cleaned my home.
All it takes is anger and resentment, and I am going to go drink?
That's all it took.
But I didn't drink.
Part of me said go home and get on SR, and reach out. That is your home group. Go there, and get it out, and go home and make some coffee.
This too shall pass.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate how alcoholism is waiting to kill me.
Now the tears are coming...streaming down my face.
I hate her for telling me she had no time for me.
God please remove my fears and resentments, and the obsession to drink when I am angry. I pray for knowledge of your will for us and the power to carry that out.
Help me not to expect too much from people, Amen.
It was a close call. Too close. I feel disappointed in myself. All it takes is me and my resentments and anger, and I imagine one day, it's gonna get me again.
Not today.
Not today.
Oh God, Dear God, Please help me. Amen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,225
There will come a time in all of our sobriety when the only thing between us and a drink is our higher power. You won't be able to reach a single person. That is one of the reasons AA makes such a point of keeping on top of your relationship with your HP.
Sounds like you came to that point, and made it through. Now you have the strength tonface it again. Good job doing the next right thing.
Scary, I know. But you did it.
Sounds like you came to that point, and made it through. Now you have the strength tonface it again. Good job doing the next right thing.
Scary, I know. But you did it.
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
Veritas, you're in my prayers.
I am sorry you are struggling. I don't know what to say about what happened with your former sponsor but in reading what you wrote I was reminded of an excerpt from the book that has been vitally important for me to learn:
One might say helpful alcoholic or not helpful alcoholic, this is about my journey with God. As no human power can keep me sober I had better get that relationship with my HP as pure and active as possible. I usually have to remind myself to put no alcoholics on pedestals. People will always let you down simply because they're people on their own journeys. Your Higher Power will never let you down.
Immediately following it says, That is, work the steps. Live by spiritual principles. Do these to the best of your ability while seeking to grow in an active relationship with God and you will never, ever have to worry about managing your sobriety on your own power, which for me never worked anyway.
Have you done a new inventory this time through? Have you made your amends to your husband?
I believe in triage. Get into the solution with complete abandon and have faith in the process. You are a precious and irreplaceable part of this universe. May God bless you and keep you safe.
I am sorry you are struggling. I don't know what to say about what happened with your former sponsor but in reading what you wrote I was reminded of an excerpt from the book that has been vitally important for me to learn:
"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job—wife or no wife—we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."
Immediately following it says,
"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."
Have you done a new inventory this time through? Have you made your amends to your husband?
I believe in triage. Get into the solution with complete abandon and have faith in the process. You are a precious and irreplaceable part of this universe. May God bless you and keep you safe.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Thank you everyone 
I made a pot of coffee. I thought of Bill W. and how they drank coffee.
I went to my special nook and talked to God. I found my daily meditation book by Dr. Schuller, and read today's message. My child asked me what I was murmuring, and so I re-read it outloud to him as he listened. We have read it together awhile ago.
Funny how that coincides with how the book tells me to invite others in to my prayers and meditation.
I came here and am crying but it's going to be alright.
I haven't done a new inventory.
I am on step one.
I think...or maybe step two.
I made a pot of coffee. I thought of Bill W. and how they drank coffee.
I went to my special nook and talked to God. I found my daily meditation book by Dr. Schuller, and read today's message. My child asked me what I was murmuring, and so I re-read it outloud to him as he listened. We have read it together awhile ago.
Funny how that coincides with how the book tells me to invite others in to my prayers and meditation.
I came here and am crying but it's going to be alright.
I haven't done a new inventory.
I am on step one.
I think...or maybe step two.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You did one, well at least one, thing absolutely perfect... You did not drink! How awesome is that!! Now do the same thing next time the craving hits. This happened at least one time before... Urge hits, you reach out, and your support lets you down... But this time you found the strength you needed in prayer and from within yourself...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Thank you. I am in listening to Sandy B.'s Saturday Morning series, and so listened to step 3 and also watched the Hour of Power.
I listened to a good sermon, and it was on... get this...
The dark night of the soul.
I had heard threads before on this mysterious subject, but the preacher explained it in a way I could understand and relate to.
To struggle.
And then the hope came, that if we don't give up, we come out the other side of the dark into the light.
He said God might have something really amazing in store for us, but if we give up, or quit, we will never realize God's plan for us.
My husband even came in and sat down next to me and listened to the sermon and never said a word. I sat there nervously wondering if he was going to say turn the channel, but he joined me in this.
Another example of someone joining me in prayer and meditation today, or joining me on the path as I seek God.
I didn't even invite this one. It just happened and we listened to the whole sermon together. We watched last week's together too. It was on hope.
~
I kept busy, doing more chores. Washing dishes, cooking dinner.
I am here now, and I made it.
I get to go to bed sober tonight. I win.
Thank you everyone again. I am sure glad I can come here daily, and that you are all with me.
Love to you all
I listened to a good sermon, and it was on... get this...
The dark night of the soul.
I had heard threads before on this mysterious subject, but the preacher explained it in a way I could understand and relate to.
To struggle.
And then the hope came, that if we don't give up, we come out the other side of the dark into the light.
He said God might have something really amazing in store for us, but if we give up, or quit, we will never realize God's plan for us.
My husband even came in and sat down next to me and listened to the sermon and never said a word. I sat there nervously wondering if he was going to say turn the channel, but he joined me in this.
Another example of someone joining me in prayer and meditation today, or joining me on the path as I seek God.
I didn't even invite this one. It just happened and we listened to the whole sermon together. We watched last week's together too. It was on hope.
~
I kept busy, doing more chores. Washing dishes, cooking dinner.
I am here now, and I made it.
I get to go to bed sober tonight. I win.
Thank you everyone again. I am sure glad I can come here daily, and that you are all with me.
Love to you all
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Good for you girl, i am so proud of you! You reached out, you took action, you prayed, you got in contact with your HP! yipee! I do agree with what someone else wrote on here about sometimes we will not have anyone except our HP w/ us. This is true. I am coming up on 2 yrs myself and I am so thankful to have my HP and wanting to be pleasing to him and also knowing that choices I make affects not only that moment but a cascading effect I do not want in my life of doom, darkness, etc. Kind of like reaping and sewing. I want blessings in my life today and it sounds like you do too! WTG being positive and even hubby joining you in watching the show, wtg w/ serving your family too!
nite nite!
Lily
nite nite!
Lily
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Now if you can do it this time you will get stronger for the next time. It seems to me that you are a lot like me in that I drank over people, places & things all the time. I even caused drama so I would get upset and have an excuse to drink. Like it was already mentioned you just don't pick up no matter what, there are no excuses left. Drinking at other people is like us taking poison and waiting for that person to die. We don't hurt them we hurt ourselves. It got to the point where I knew deep with-in my very soul that if I kept that up I was going to die. That door that had always swung both ways was going to close once and for all. People would tell me all of this till they were blue in the face, but till I was done there wasn't anything anybody could say or do that would make a difference. I am a bit curious about not knowing if you are on Step 1 or 2? Are you not working them out of the BB with your sponsor, cause I would think if you were you would know exactly what step you are on?
I had to do the program 100%, and till I was willing to do that I kept getting loaded and wondering why I got struck drunk again? 1/2 a** working the program will give me 1/2 a** sobriety.
I am just trying to express what worked for me and countless others. Keep coming back we need you. Hugs
I had to do the program 100%, and till I was willing to do that I kept getting loaded and wondering why I got struck drunk again? 1/2 a** working the program will give me 1/2 a** sobriety.
I am just trying to express what worked for me and countless others. Keep coming back we need you. Hugs
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Thank you. I am reluctant to move to step 2, if I don't have a solid step one.
It is I that is in indecision over what step I am on, or should be on.
My sponsor would most likely say I am on step one if you asked her.
We don't really do much together anyway. I pretty much am doing everything on my own.
It is I that is in indecision over what step I am on, or should be on.
My sponsor would most likely say I am on step one if you asked her.
We don't really do much together anyway. I pretty much am doing everything on my own.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Thank you. I am reluctant to move to step 2, if I don't have a solid step one.
It is I that is in indecision over what step I am on, or should be on.
My sponsor would most likely say I am on step one if you asked her.
We don't really do much together anyway. I pretty much am doing everything on my own."
ok, now what is the cause of not doin much with your sponsor?
here is what i am reading:
you thought the problem with alcohol was removed but are reluctant to move to step 2, which there is not problem with, however, the problem being removed comes in much further along in the steps:
This thought brings us to Step Ten....
nd we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
the problem could very well be doin it on yer own. yer thinkng is what got ya to the doors of AA and ,if like me, yer thinkin aint gonna help much.
so, how bout that sponsor thing? whats up with that?
It is I that is in indecision over what step I am on, or should be on.
My sponsor would most likely say I am on step one if you asked her.
We don't really do much together anyway. I pretty much am doing everything on my own."
ok, now what is the cause of not doin much with your sponsor?
here is what i am reading:
you thought the problem with alcohol was removed but are reluctant to move to step 2, which there is not problem with, however, the problem being removed comes in much further along in the steps:
This thought brings us to Step Ten....
nd we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
the problem could very well be doin it on yer own. yer thinkng is what got ya to the doors of AA and ,if like me, yer thinkin aint gonna help much.
so, how bout that sponsor thing? whats up with that?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
She said she had company over and they were all watching Football so she didn't have time to talk to me, Goodbye.
All it takes is anger and resentment, and I am going to go drink?
All it ever took for me. i was at a Gratitude meeting yesterday morning and listening to others share their story's and their hope and how they are now living lives that have meaning was just what i needed! yes, i still get angry and feel self pity.. but, NOTHING like i used to. progress not perfection..
All it takes is anger and resentment, and I am going to go drink?
All it ever took for me. i was at a Gratitude meeting yesterday morning and listening to others share their story's and their hope and how they are now living lives that have meaning was just what i needed! yes, i still get angry and feel self pity.. but, NOTHING like i used to. progress not perfection..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
Just my 2 cents here.....sounds to me like you have taken step 1. What's needed is to let a power greater than yourself be your solution.
When I hit raw anger in early sobriety, it really surprised me. I quickly saw that the Big Book spelled it out correctly. I cannot afford that "dubious" luxury. I prayed, asked my higher power for help in calming down, and just went on about my life. The emotions calmed. I was incredibly willing to see things from a spiritual standpoint and rid myself of those feelings.
I view that as selfish on my part, but I don't care. I simply cannot give safe harbor to those emotions. Or maybe I should say.....I won't. Nobody, absolutely nobody or any situation, is worth it to me.
The Big Book is also correct in describing that my problem lies in how I react to life. Alcohol was but a symptom. So my solution is to not believe my own thinking so darn much. I rely upon a higher power for help.
I do not rely upon individuals in AA. I do rely upon the group alot. When I hit those times in early sobriety, I also knew what to do: Go to an AA meeting. Just listening to recovery soothed me. Often, I changed my entire perspective in a single meeting, and whatever was on my mind was lifted. Always I could rely on that I would feel better, if not immediately, then the next day.
Alcohol is no longer an option for me. No matter what happens, I just don't drink. Then, I have a chance to get back to comfortable. If I drink, I know.....I won't be sane for a very long time.
I hope you find a group that is near you. I need "God with skin" often. I love the supplemental resources of online, too, but still......nothing beats the actual AA fellowship.
Know that you're in a lot of people's prayers.
When I hit raw anger in early sobriety, it really surprised me. I quickly saw that the Big Book spelled it out correctly. I cannot afford that "dubious" luxury. I prayed, asked my higher power for help in calming down, and just went on about my life. The emotions calmed. I was incredibly willing to see things from a spiritual standpoint and rid myself of those feelings.
I view that as selfish on my part, but I don't care. I simply cannot give safe harbor to those emotions. Or maybe I should say.....I won't. Nobody, absolutely nobody or any situation, is worth it to me.
The Big Book is also correct in describing that my problem lies in how I react to life. Alcohol was but a symptom. So my solution is to not believe my own thinking so darn much. I rely upon a higher power for help.
I do not rely upon individuals in AA. I do rely upon the group alot. When I hit those times in early sobriety, I also knew what to do: Go to an AA meeting. Just listening to recovery soothed me. Often, I changed my entire perspective in a single meeting, and whatever was on my mind was lifted. Always I could rely on that I would feel better, if not immediately, then the next day.
Alcohol is no longer an option for me. No matter what happens, I just don't drink. Then, I have a chance to get back to comfortable. If I drink, I know.....I won't be sane for a very long time.
I hope you find a group that is near you. I need "God with skin" often. I love the supplemental resources of online, too, but still......nothing beats the actual AA fellowship.
Know that you're in a lot of people's prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Veritas1 
I am reluctant to move to step 2, if I don't have a solid step one.
That is step two (from 1st ed Big Book)... There in nothing in there that says:
"and we certify that we have a solid step one"
My experience with step two was that I did not have a perfect step one when I had my step two experience... In fact, it was out of the insanity I felt as I was struggling with the idea of unmanageability and powerlessness... trying to get my head around all that... insanity... that I finally... just... let go... I can't do this, figure it all out... and so I began to believe that, well, maybe He can help me with this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Glad you didn't drink, Veritas. The first little hint of sanity and willingness to take action, even if the results were not what you wanted. It's the willingness that's key.
So you know you're doomed to pick up that next drink, you're willing to pray to something, time to hit Step 3 and move immediately into inventory. The clock is ticking.
So you know you're doomed to pick up that next drink, you're willing to pray to something, time to hit Step 3 and move immediately into inventory. The clock is ticking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Trenches, Texas
Posts: 778
Originally Posted by Veritas1
Thank you. I am reluctant to move to step 2, if I don't have a solid step one.
It is I that is in indecision over what step I am on, or should be on.
My sponsor would most likely say I am on step one if you asked her.
We don't really do much together anyway. I pretty much am doing everything on my own.
It is I that is in indecision over what step I am on, or should be on.
My sponsor would most likely say I am on step one if you asked her.
We don't really do much together anyway. I pretty much am doing everything on my own.
The steps are for the choiceless...if I still have a choice I won't be involved in the steps. Two alternatives are presented: go on to the bitter end blotting out the...well you probably can quote it better than I can or the other one involves spiritual tools. What if I can't blot out my intolerable situation anymore? Then it looks like I'm left with no choice because the only option left is the spiritual toolkit...then it's not an option, it's all I have.
Step Zero is a horrid place...that place where I am trying all the other alternatives. I couldn't see that's what I was doing back in the early part of 2009 but its what I was doing. If only the anxiety went away I wouldn't need to drink...so the doctor puts me on anxiety meds...I still drink. If only my wife would do the right things then I wouldn't have to drink...well, she left and I still drank. Well, only if my wife would come back I wouldn't drink. So, she came back, guess who kept drinking? Maybe treatment after I drank too much one night and the doctors advised me to get some help? So off to treatment I went! 3 days after getting out of treatment insanity returned...just two drinks right!?! So now it's back to the wife...so she leaves again...so back to treatment I go...so now I need the "right" girlfriend. I met her in treatment later. Two weeks later we can't stand each other. Then it was back to needing the right job and to finish my college degree...but all these people are stressing me right? How can I finish that? Then I wind up homeless. Well, if only I had a home. So I finally save up for an apartment. Can't afford furniture though because I'm still drinking...I could continue this step zero deal all day but I suspect the point is made by now.
The point: if I am waiting for something external (job, spouse, sponsor, AA) to treat this internal malady then I am in for a long wait.
How do you plan to move to step 2 without a sponsor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
I just truly don't believe my sponsor can help me. I don't know how to say this without it sounding like I have a huge ego.
I mean I really don't think she can help me.
So I try to do things my way.
I listen to AA speakers, and I read my pages 86-88 as my new plan.
I get it. I am doing it my way again.
I guess the reason I don't feel ready to move from step one is that I concede I am an alcoholic to my innermost self, but I have a really hard time imagining life without alcohol forever.
So lately my plan has been to "stay in the day".
I thought I had it licked. I was going to the store, and leaving, and realizing on the way home or later, that I hadn't even thought of buying something to drink compared to being driven to the store to get something fast for relief from anger. Quite the contrast.
One is at peace doesn't need booze, the other driven to escape.
I have sobered myself up after a binge, felt better, created my own plan to keep myself sober, and failed so many times, and I am on another run right now at day 14.
Time for some changes.
I think I am going to go with Keith on this one.
I guess it's alright for me to move to step two even though there may be some lurking reservation that I might drink on vacation this December. Even though I have a real sober vacation experience this past year, an entire sober 5 day vacation along with two months sobriety, I still see myself on vacation this year drinking. Not in a good way. Just that I see it. It comes up for me. These thoughts. I don't think anyone else future trips about whether or not they are going to be drinking on their vacation in December in September, or has fear or nervousness attached to it. I think this way.
I have fear I will drink again. I question myself.
I have experience that I always drink again.
I have fear to even commit to a sobriety date.
Thank you everyone who took the time to write to me. How amazing to come and read it this morning.
The cause of me not doing much with my sponsor is me.
I mean I really don't think she can help me.
So I try to do things my way.
I listen to AA speakers, and I read my pages 86-88 as my new plan.
I get it. I am doing it my way again.
I guess the reason I don't feel ready to move from step one is that I concede I am an alcoholic to my innermost self, but I have a really hard time imagining life without alcohol forever.
So lately my plan has been to "stay in the day".
I thought I had it licked. I was going to the store, and leaving, and realizing on the way home or later, that I hadn't even thought of buying something to drink compared to being driven to the store to get something fast for relief from anger. Quite the contrast.
One is at peace doesn't need booze, the other driven to escape.
I have sobered myself up after a binge, felt better, created my own plan to keep myself sober, and failed so many times, and I am on another run right now at day 14.
Time for some changes.
I think I am going to go with Keith on this one.
I guess it's alright for me to move to step two even though there may be some lurking reservation that I might drink on vacation this December. Even though I have a real sober vacation experience this past year, an entire sober 5 day vacation along with two months sobriety, I still see myself on vacation this year drinking. Not in a good way. Just that I see it. It comes up for me. These thoughts. I don't think anyone else future trips about whether or not they are going to be drinking on their vacation in December in September, or has fear or nervousness attached to it. I think this way.
I have fear I will drink again. I question myself.
I have experience that I always drink again.
I have fear to even commit to a sobriety date.
Thank you everyone who took the time to write to me. How amazing to come and read it this morning.
The cause of me not doing much with my sponsor is me.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
I truly thought I was going to die without alcohol in my life. It scared me to no end. So much so that my early months sober were riddled with that neurosis of "the other shoe ..".
I always thought that shoe meant physical death. I didn't understand that being without something I had counted on for so long, the one thing in life that gave me a sense of freedom and happiness - alcohol - was "dying to myself".
That's why AA fellowship is so critical for me. I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. The fellowship showed me live action people - living without alcohol.
If you follow the instructions, in the book, with or without a sponsor. Technically, you're not doing it "your" way. Your following the instructions in the book.
I always thought that shoe meant physical death. I didn't understand that being without something I had counted on for so long, the one thing in life that gave me a sense of freedom and happiness - alcohol - was "dying to myself".
That's why AA fellowship is so critical for me. I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. The fellowship showed me live action people - living without alcohol.
If you follow the instructions, in the book, with or without a sponsor. Technically, you're not doing it "your" way. Your following the instructions in the book.
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