Early Recovery - Sponsorship Tips Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
Early Recovery - Sponsorship Tips Advice
Hi there, i am looking to get some tips on working with newcomers. I am looking for advice on different questions or tasks i can give to a sponsee prior to starting working Step 1 (for which i have questions to work through the big book). I have found very little information on the net about alternative or innovative tasks, sets of questions, exercises or suggestions for the first few weeks.
When i came in, me and my sponsor hit the ground running and looking back i was just eager to get through the steps as quick as possible, and missed out on really being able to understand Step 1.
Things i am doing with sponsee prior to going through Step One, include, checking in every day, encouraging him to go to meetings (every day but work gets in the way), get one or two commitments, for them to connect with the fellowship, talk to people with less time, other newcomers, get numbers. I also started when we met up to read through bits of Living Sober introduction as well as mixing it up with Daily Reflections. One thing i heard was asking them to talk as if doing a chair at a meeting, tell the sponsor their life story.
So yeah i know some people will say, just work the steps, now, but i really want my sponsee to acclimatise and be ready. he has relapsed a few times, hitting a week or so, each time, and on the reading of the intro of Living Sober, came across the issue of resistance, and we talked through it and shared my experience.
So perhaps there is nothing really to it until people are ready or willing to work the first step, but would love to hear what other people have done with their sponsees or their sponsors given them. I know some people use music in Step 4 as way of triggering memories. Or maybe there's a very slow version of Step one that people have tried that incorporates taking in the first few weeks to get round powerless and unmanageability.
When i came in, me and my sponsor hit the ground running and looking back i was just eager to get through the steps as quick as possible, and missed out on really being able to understand Step 1.
Things i am doing with sponsee prior to going through Step One, include, checking in every day, encouraging him to go to meetings (every day but work gets in the way), get one or two commitments, for them to connect with the fellowship, talk to people with less time, other newcomers, get numbers. I also started when we met up to read through bits of Living Sober introduction as well as mixing it up with Daily Reflections. One thing i heard was asking them to talk as if doing a chair at a meeting, tell the sponsor their life story.
So yeah i know some people will say, just work the steps, now, but i really want my sponsee to acclimatise and be ready. he has relapsed a few times, hitting a week or so, each time, and on the reading of the intro of Living Sober, came across the issue of resistance, and we talked through it and shared my experience.
So perhaps there is nothing really to it until people are ready or willing to work the first step, but would love to hear what other people have done with their sponsees or their sponsors given them. I know some people use music in Step 4 as way of triggering memories. Or maybe there's a very slow version of Step one that people have tried that incorporates taking in the first few weeks to get round powerless and unmanageability.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by LondonAA 
... Or maybe there's a very slow version of Step one that people have tried that incorporates taking in the first few weeks to get round powerless and unmanageability.
Their step 1 homework assignment includes making a list of 20 things that are unmanageable in the sponces's life, both with and without alcohol. They are known to get good results working with young people due to their highly standardized style. Every sponsor conforms to strict guidelines.
IMO the most important thing to remember when working with a newcomer is the concept of "Spiritual Detachment". That is the idea that we are responsible for the effort, but God is responsible for the result. Our success or failure is not ours to brag about, nor ours to beat ourselves up over.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
When I agree to sponsor....I sit down with the woman and read this together
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
That way we both know what to expect from each other...
When I agree to sponsor....I sit down with the woman and read this together
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
That way we both know what to expect from each other...
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I found a great book that not only helps the sponsor but the sponsee as well. My sponsor and I worked through the book together discussing it as we went along. It is a good resource for anyone in AA.
"Twelve Step Sponsorship, How it works" By Hamilton B. It is a Hazelden book. I bought my first one at a recovery shop but they do sell them at Amazon
"Twelve Step Sponsorship, How it works" By Hamilton B. It is a Hazelden book. I bought my first one at a recovery shop but they do sell them at Amazon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13
I would have relapsed early on too if I tried to stay sober on the Book Living Sober. This book is filled with great tips for people who can stay sober on a non spiritual basis. Not so for the real alcoholic. The alcoholic described in the Big Book.
You want a task for your guy to work on? How about a step 4 inventory. Steps 1-3 can be done rapidly. To concede to our innermost selves we are powerless over alcohol is not difficult if we look at our experience. Phenomenon of craving as described as described in the Dr's Opinion-yes or no. Mental obsession as described in the Chapter More about alcoholism, yes or no. Underneath this all is there a spiritual malady described brilliantly on page 52.
All this outside the book assignments and garbage is just ego based nonsense. The program of AA is clearly laid out in the Book, all you have to do is show him.
You want a task for your guy to work on? How about a step 4 inventory. Steps 1-3 can be done rapidly. To concede to our innermost selves we are powerless over alcohol is not difficult if we look at our experience. Phenomenon of craving as described as described in the Dr's Opinion-yes or no. Mental obsession as described in the Chapter More about alcoholism, yes or no. Underneath this all is there a spiritual malady described brilliantly on page 52.
All this outside the book assignments and garbage is just ego based nonsense. The program of AA is clearly laid out in the Book, all you have to do is show him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LondonAA
... but i really want my sponsee to acclimatise and be ready. he has relapsed a few times,...
Step 1 is all about getting an internal realization that I'm SOL, right and truly screwed, no way out of this mess. It's about instilling hopelessness and desperation sufficient to force me into seeking some kind of power. I have no need for that power unless I'm thoroughly convinced that my own power is always going to fail.
In my opinion, a thorough understanding of Living Sober is going to move somebody farther away from powerlessness, and is the opposite of what I want to do with a new sponsee.
Someone comes into AA looking for a solution, and we're going to withhold that solution (the 12 Steps) until 'we' think he's ready?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
@Carol d - I like the pamphlets idea as a great overview of everything. As along with Living Sober it is a great introduction to some of the key issues and concepts of the programme. Please do keep suggestions coming, i am always looking to learn and would love to hear people’s different styles. What i am looking for people’s different experiences really. Now this probably sounds controversial, but each person’s recovery is an organic thing and everyone instils a certain aspect of their experience, strength and hope when they sponsor, without of course diluting the steps and core messages. Like those that share from the heart and for me have a much more profound and deeper recovery, i would like to hear those who sponsor from the heart or holistic approach, if that makes sense.
@nandm Hazledean book sounds interesting, can you tell me a little more about it please, what did you get from this, what you liked about it.
@boleo – yes agree the spiritual detachment and never ever to brag about it. I see many cases of those that have a narcissistic rather than spiritual awakening in recovery and even some sharing about how god has given them the ability to help people and undertake what can only call ‘Pimping Sponsorship’ trying to have as many people as possible on the go, but then again if it keeps them sober then what does it have to do with me.
The narcissistic awakening, I am also aware that this can easily happen to me, as helping someone through the steps whilst great for us, can if we don’t watch ourselves give us a sense of control. For any alcoholic telling someone things to do or having more knowledge on something than somebody else is very intoxicating and i always have to check in with my spiritual practise. I have my experience, strength and hope where asked, i will never tell a sponsee what to do, but explain what i have done in a similar situation if i have experienced something similar. I call it the stairway to heaven, i am just a little further up those stairs, and am showing them the way, that i and many have treaded. Otherwise known as shining a torch/flashlight into dark recess and allowing them to see things from themselves.
On the other extreme there is the caveman (or captain caveman) style of sponsorship – where the sponsee is dragged through the steps and recovery, and if they ask any questions they are hit over the head, listen and do as i say, don’t ask any questions. Now this is all they know, so the are passing on their experience, strength and hope, but not something that would work for me that came from a fear based background.
If using the stairway analogy, when i first came in i was drowning and my sponsor helped me get on to the first step and start experience the beauty of recovery and the programme. However i did have a very angry sponsor, who didn’t give me strength and hope, just the fear of his anger and wanted to be on some sort of pedestal above me. This is an important lesson for me on my journey, and something i never want to repeat. If i ever shout, then i have lost connection with my HP and the kindness in the world and the root of our programme. I have seen angry sponsors who feel they are doing the best for their sponseee, but whether consciously or unconsciously sometimes keep their foot on the sponsees head so they stay under the water, emotionally drowning, rather than giving them the helping hand to start experience the love and tolerance of the programme. I wish it was my solitary experience but we are a microcosm of the real world and you get all sorts of personalities in here. Some people need to be in fear of their sponsor i also understand but that i feel is the minority but in long run, being shouted at, now matter how tough chips away at the soul.
Vision for You - Sadly i do know of Vision for You, maybe they have a better reputation in Detroit. Over here they are controversial and many people eventually come running into the mainstream meetings, broken, having hitten another bottom, freaked out at the how their heads were messed up by the control freakery aspect and the unhealthy straight jacket approach. I do know that for some, they need such a tight control in their early days, but the ones who go to Vision tend to also be vulnerable. When i first came in all the young face they sent round the rooms to try and recruit for their meetings, not one of them do i see anymore. Mention feelings in this meeting and you will be ejected from what i understand, such a shame that they never drill deeper than surface level stuff, in the short term this is what they need, but in the long term you got to be comfortable with who you are, as much as is possible for an alcoholic. Maybe there are good aspects, but give power to someone who likes control and it’s a recipe for very different type of recovery, than what should be on offer.
Living Sober - I have to defend Living Sober, as the spiritual thing is something that is a slow grower, it doesn’t happen overnight nor should it forced (also there are those who are long time sober and happy agnostics or atheists, as well as those that believe in HP/God each as a place in our rooms, no one is excluded in the rooms). In my early days, i got so much practical advice from it which is what it says on the tin, as well as a good grounding in the programme in the first key chapters. This meant when i dived into the big book it allowed me to understand it better, however this also applies to later in my recovery as when i went to Living Sober meetings, a light bulb would go off in my head and help direct me in many cases back to an issue in my steps that i was having difficulty with. Though i also respect those who feel that Living Sober diverts from the primary purpose, whist i have heard some unwell people say it is written by Satan which says it all really for the mindset of those who become dogmatic.
Many of us younger folk or not so younger even, in the early days find the language and style of the Big Book so impenetrable. Now of course that is what a sponsor is there to do, is to help guide through but in early days the concepts and themes, and things that it is asking us to tackle and look at are just so vast and difficult to take on board. I think sitting for a month with the themes of Step one for instance is something which i am going to do when i rework the steps. However what i realise before getting there, when i came in is i needed to dethaw, reconnect with my feelings which takes a bit of time, in fact now i am getting more awareness.
Racing to get to Step 4 before the first few months, for me i would not have been honest and would have not felt the step. Also would i have been emotionally strong enough to deal with the issues.
However there are those of us that want a more profound and deeper recovery (though that is more with hindsight) that leaves no stone unturned. For me racing through the steps would not have worked, though i did race through step one to three looking back doing them in two months and hell it was just like ticking the boxes rather than really thinking about all the issues, points, words, what it means, what i understood etc. My mind in the first six months was racing, there was just too much noise confusion and inability to connect with my deeper stuff. For others in early days there is so also resistance, dishonesty and just disconnection from our feelings.
I knew in my hearts that i wanted to work the steps, but looking back I just wanted to get to Step 12 as fast as possible thinking that this would be the fix for all my problems, just get me to the end, seeing it like a marathon and once past the marker then phew everything would be ok. But now i realised that this is a lifetime programme. Also there are many sponsors happy to help these people out in their race through the steps, who seem to want to just add another notch to their list of people they have taken through the Steps, to add to their credentials. If that works for them great, if both stay sober and living happy joyous and free than great.
Now there are some who i have heard from that had so many issues that they needed to do intensive steps as quick as possible, but then there are those that i have seen use the programme as they did alcohol and drugs, for a quick fix. However in the long term is the race to get through the Steps as quick as possible a wish to get better or to make these bad feelings to go away, we have to face them and deal with them at some point. We spend a lifetime running away from our feelings. As someone said to me, where are you rushing to, enjoy the journey and don’t worry about the destination. The flip of this to not to wallow in our feelings or let them overwhelm us, or wait months and months or even years to do the Steps.
Some people are strong enough, others not so to do Step 4 as soon as possible. I know people who have reached Step 4 too soon that is overwhelmed them, that they stopped. I know one person who wound up being exhausted by writing 1000 people for list of resentments, they got so exhausted, and put off by the whole process and no longer come to meetings. Now maybe there were bigger issues here as there are others i appreciate who tackle Step 4 straight away but if you do it too quickly before you know what is really going on, how honest can you be and how much do you really understand this all, unless you see it like an exam or getting to the next level like in a play station game.
The big thing i learnt from Step 4 is a deeper awareness but that i can and will want to go back and so it again to get a deeper understanding.
What i like about the programme and what i am trying to find out is there are lots of way to work the steps, some do it by just by the book. I and many who i see have a spiritual programme, are open to ideas and approaches. We are lucky in the 21st century to not only the 12 steps and the message of the Big Book but also all this other information and knowledge at our finger tips about many things affecting alcoholics and our dysfunctional thinking, a wealth of access to different philosophies, both east and west, and generally more open to ideas. But one fall out is what i have learnt is the original AAers even after working the programme were a pretty angry bunch (ok maybe sweeping statement). But what they achieved in the 40s was radical for that time. What a lot of us want now is a more holistic and spiritual journey.
@nandm Hazledean book sounds interesting, can you tell me a little more about it please, what did you get from this, what you liked about it.
@boleo – yes agree the spiritual detachment and never ever to brag about it. I see many cases of those that have a narcissistic rather than spiritual awakening in recovery and even some sharing about how god has given them the ability to help people and undertake what can only call ‘Pimping Sponsorship’ trying to have as many people as possible on the go, but then again if it keeps them sober then what does it have to do with me.
The narcissistic awakening, I am also aware that this can easily happen to me, as helping someone through the steps whilst great for us, can if we don’t watch ourselves give us a sense of control. For any alcoholic telling someone things to do or having more knowledge on something than somebody else is very intoxicating and i always have to check in with my spiritual practise. I have my experience, strength and hope where asked, i will never tell a sponsee what to do, but explain what i have done in a similar situation if i have experienced something similar. I call it the stairway to heaven, i am just a little further up those stairs, and am showing them the way, that i and many have treaded. Otherwise known as shining a torch/flashlight into dark recess and allowing them to see things from themselves.
On the other extreme there is the caveman (or captain caveman) style of sponsorship – where the sponsee is dragged through the steps and recovery, and if they ask any questions they are hit over the head, listen and do as i say, don’t ask any questions. Now this is all they know, so the are passing on their experience, strength and hope, but not something that would work for me that came from a fear based background.
If using the stairway analogy, when i first came in i was drowning and my sponsor helped me get on to the first step and start experience the beauty of recovery and the programme. However i did have a very angry sponsor, who didn’t give me strength and hope, just the fear of his anger and wanted to be on some sort of pedestal above me. This is an important lesson for me on my journey, and something i never want to repeat. If i ever shout, then i have lost connection with my HP and the kindness in the world and the root of our programme. I have seen angry sponsors who feel they are doing the best for their sponseee, but whether consciously or unconsciously sometimes keep their foot on the sponsees head so they stay under the water, emotionally drowning, rather than giving them the helping hand to start experience the love and tolerance of the programme. I wish it was my solitary experience but we are a microcosm of the real world and you get all sorts of personalities in here. Some people need to be in fear of their sponsor i also understand but that i feel is the minority but in long run, being shouted at, now matter how tough chips away at the soul.
Vision for You - Sadly i do know of Vision for You, maybe they have a better reputation in Detroit. Over here they are controversial and many people eventually come running into the mainstream meetings, broken, having hitten another bottom, freaked out at the how their heads were messed up by the control freakery aspect and the unhealthy straight jacket approach. I do know that for some, they need such a tight control in their early days, but the ones who go to Vision tend to also be vulnerable. When i first came in all the young face they sent round the rooms to try and recruit for their meetings, not one of them do i see anymore. Mention feelings in this meeting and you will be ejected from what i understand, such a shame that they never drill deeper than surface level stuff, in the short term this is what they need, but in the long term you got to be comfortable with who you are, as much as is possible for an alcoholic. Maybe there are good aspects, but give power to someone who likes control and it’s a recipe for very different type of recovery, than what should be on offer.
Living Sober - I have to defend Living Sober, as the spiritual thing is something that is a slow grower, it doesn’t happen overnight nor should it forced (also there are those who are long time sober and happy agnostics or atheists, as well as those that believe in HP/God each as a place in our rooms, no one is excluded in the rooms). In my early days, i got so much practical advice from it which is what it says on the tin, as well as a good grounding in the programme in the first key chapters. This meant when i dived into the big book it allowed me to understand it better, however this also applies to later in my recovery as when i went to Living Sober meetings, a light bulb would go off in my head and help direct me in many cases back to an issue in my steps that i was having difficulty with. Though i also respect those who feel that Living Sober diverts from the primary purpose, whist i have heard some unwell people say it is written by Satan which says it all really for the mindset of those who become dogmatic.
Many of us younger folk or not so younger even, in the early days find the language and style of the Big Book so impenetrable. Now of course that is what a sponsor is there to do, is to help guide through but in early days the concepts and themes, and things that it is asking us to tackle and look at are just so vast and difficult to take on board. I think sitting for a month with the themes of Step one for instance is something which i am going to do when i rework the steps. However what i realise before getting there, when i came in is i needed to dethaw, reconnect with my feelings which takes a bit of time, in fact now i am getting more awareness.
Racing to get to Step 4 before the first few months, for me i would not have been honest and would have not felt the step. Also would i have been emotionally strong enough to deal with the issues.
However there are those of us that want a more profound and deeper recovery (though that is more with hindsight) that leaves no stone unturned. For me racing through the steps would not have worked, though i did race through step one to three looking back doing them in two months and hell it was just like ticking the boxes rather than really thinking about all the issues, points, words, what it means, what i understood etc. My mind in the first six months was racing, there was just too much noise confusion and inability to connect with my deeper stuff. For others in early days there is so also resistance, dishonesty and just disconnection from our feelings.
I knew in my hearts that i wanted to work the steps, but looking back I just wanted to get to Step 12 as fast as possible thinking that this would be the fix for all my problems, just get me to the end, seeing it like a marathon and once past the marker then phew everything would be ok. But now i realised that this is a lifetime programme. Also there are many sponsors happy to help these people out in their race through the steps, who seem to want to just add another notch to their list of people they have taken through the Steps, to add to their credentials. If that works for them great, if both stay sober and living happy joyous and free than great.
Now there are some who i have heard from that had so many issues that they needed to do intensive steps as quick as possible, but then there are those that i have seen use the programme as they did alcohol and drugs, for a quick fix. However in the long term is the race to get through the Steps as quick as possible a wish to get better or to make these bad feelings to go away, we have to face them and deal with them at some point. We spend a lifetime running away from our feelings. As someone said to me, where are you rushing to, enjoy the journey and don’t worry about the destination. The flip of this to not to wallow in our feelings or let them overwhelm us, or wait months and months or even years to do the Steps.
Some people are strong enough, others not so to do Step 4 as soon as possible. I know people who have reached Step 4 too soon that is overwhelmed them, that they stopped. I know one person who wound up being exhausted by writing 1000 people for list of resentments, they got so exhausted, and put off by the whole process and no longer come to meetings. Now maybe there were bigger issues here as there are others i appreciate who tackle Step 4 straight away but if you do it too quickly before you know what is really going on, how honest can you be and how much do you really understand this all, unless you see it like an exam or getting to the next level like in a play station game.
The big thing i learnt from Step 4 is a deeper awareness but that i can and will want to go back and so it again to get a deeper understanding.
What i like about the programme and what i am trying to find out is there are lots of way to work the steps, some do it by just by the book. I and many who i see have a spiritual programme, are open to ideas and approaches. We are lucky in the 21st century to not only the 12 steps and the message of the Big Book but also all this other information and knowledge at our finger tips about many things affecting alcoholics and our dysfunctional thinking, a wealth of access to different philosophies, both east and west, and generally more open to ideas. But one fall out is what i have learnt is the original AAers even after working the programme were a pretty angry bunch (ok maybe sweeping statement). But what they achieved in the 40s was radical for that time. What a lot of us want now is a more holistic and spiritual journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by keithj
Perfect. His own experience is of some real value. We go through the BB, laying our experience alongside the experience shared in the book. What happens when I drink? What happens when I don't drink? Why did I pick up a drink after a time sober? Am I like Jim, Fred, and the jaywalker?
Step 1 is all about getting an internal realization that I'm SOL, right and truly screwed, no way out of this mess. It's about instilling hopelessness and desperation sufficient to force me into seeking some kind of power. I have no need for that power unless I'm thoroughly convinced that my own power is always going to fail.
In my opinion, a thorough understanding of Living Sober is going to move somebody farther away from powerlessness, and is the opposite of what I want to do with a new sponsee.
Someone comes into AA looking for a solution, and we're going to withhold that solution (the 12 Steps) until 'we' think he's ready?
Step 1 is all about getting an internal realization that I'm SOL, right and truly screwed, no way out of this mess. It's about instilling hopelessness and desperation sufficient to force me into seeking some kind of power. I have no need for that power unless I'm thoroughly convinced that my own power is always going to fail.
In my opinion, a thorough understanding of Living Sober is going to move somebody farther away from powerlessness, and is the opposite of what I want to do with a new sponsee.
Someone comes into AA looking for a solution, and we're going to withhold that solution (the 12 Steps) until 'we' think he's ready?
Keith – yes you have a good point and it is good to make me question my approach as the person who feels he is unwilling to learnis unwilling to grow. I may be wrong on my opinions below but will give it my best shot to explain my thoughts
But yes who am i to decide but neither am i deciding, we have had an open discussion about this and that there are different schools of thoughts. If he wants a person who wants to hammer the steps straight away, i have advised him there are plenty of people out there who will do this. I know however lots of people who wait a month to work Step 1 with sponsees or there or there abouts, because there is so much more that the big book in the first weeks to put their heart and soul into. Hopefully they spend energy on listening out for people’s recovery that they related to or want what they have to ask them to be there sponsor; getting to the meetings, doing service, sharing, connecting, doing fellowship, listening for general identification and reaching out to those who stories you relate to – i have asked this newcomer to speak to and exchange numbers with those who got through relapsing in the early days. However i do agree the themes of Step one are perhaps more porous and open than i am letting on, and it is important to start exploring concepts of powerlessness and unmanageability.
Without being sober for a few weeks, I and many do not see a point of going down this route of working Step 1 in a intense way, approaching recovery like doing a line or shot. That doesn’t mean talking about Step1 or avoiding subject as if it doesn’t exits, but that is different from working the step. Having some sober time before working Step 1 seems the best things, or do some people advocate to get cracking even if they keep picking up. I am open to opinions on this?
I can’t seem the harm of understanding the first few chapters of Living Sober however, in fact they are all interconnected with the overall programme. The latter chapters are focussed on more everyday situations like social situations and that is for the newcomer to read in their own time. I think it helps to address some of the fundamentals about how to handle situations that can easily seem like the end of the world or a reason for picking up a drink, alongside more self care things like taking care of yourself, and of course a brief overview of how the programme works. What we forget is that what becomes second nature to us as we get on in recovery, for a newcomer they can question how this things will actually work, and it is good to go through this, even if for just one sitting and then to let them explore on their own.
Let’s look at some of the first chapters, just because i think this is a very interesting subject that you have talked about.
Here are some of the first chapters, all of which for me seem great for a newcomer to understand - Staying away from the first drink , Using the 24-hour plan, Remembering that alcoholism is an incurable, progressive, fatal disease, "Live and Let Live", Getting active, Using the Serenity Prayer, Changing old routines, Eating or drinking something, Making use of "telephone therapy", Availing yourself of a sponsor, Getting plenty of rest, "First Things First", Fending off loneliness, Watching out for anger and resentments
All these things can easily floor a person in the early days without knowing what the collective experience has shown that can help and that is what is laid out in Living Sober. Also this serves as a good launch pad to talk about how as an alcoholic we got through these and more importantly start weaving the introduction to the steps into this and why will be reading the big book together. For me this starts showing hope that there is a way to live life without alcohol but to also start making clear that this book and ideas are not sufficient on its own without replacing our reliance on alcohol and the life that we built around this with a whole new way of living, and why we need the Steps and new spiritual way. But for me Step One is therefore a more richer step once this is understood, but i am not advocating sitting on Living Sober for months on end.
Just seeing the contents of LS reminds me of how much this has become an accepted part of my life.
- Nutrition is often overlooked by alcoholics, now that we know so much how bad nutrition affects the brain capacity to think, handle emotions etc. In fact in a fast paced city like London where office worked eat the their desks and don’t take them time to cook at the end of the day, eating well is even vital, taking care of your body.
- Understanding the power of the Serenity prayer – goes without saying finding prayers that work for you is the long terms goal but what does this mean and practising this in our daily lives. Yes this prayer can remind us to strive for a degree of inner peace and strength, at least when we recite the prayer
- Making use of "telephone therapy – explaining why calling people helps in the early days, i have seen newcomers not understanding why this will help, especially those who are not used to opening up to others. It is good to address those who may be shy or not have the social skills to open up to other people and get them to get in the habit of reaching out to people
- Changing old routines – some people think they can carry on the way they have before, or come in to get sober so that they can carry going back out and socialise with their friends without worry about alcohol. They need to understand that routines need to be changed that small or large sacrifices need to be made now for long terms gain
- Fending off lonliness - how many newcomers have picked up a drink because they believe or feel they are lonely.
- The concepts of live and let live – so many come in getting angry over the smallest things and that for an alcoholic is the surest way to build up into uncontrollable rage at many other things
- Watching out for anger and resentments – and this is a good way to talk about the Steps and how it has allowed us to look at this and learn how they can eat away at us
- Being good to yourself – this is one that even long timers can forget, that we need to take care of ourselves and be kind in our journey. Many come in subjecting ourselves to frequent bouts of punishment, inner criticism, if not worse, if we did to other what we did to ourselves we would probably be locked up. Being perfectionists, we can set ourselves high goals and i think in early recovery, if not throughout, if we fall short of these mental benchmarks we have failed and this can send us into a spiral of destruction or feeling that we have failed.
- Easy Does It – for those that come in going faster than speedy Gonzalez and a compulsion to speed through everything, this phrase can reassure to also take a pause and not to try and accomplish everything right now, in work, life, recovery.
- Seeking professional help – this is something that sadly some in the rooms not necessarily say to their sponseees that they don’t need anything expect the programme but yes sometimes professional help is needed to deal with issues, mental or physical, whether in the early days or later in recovery.
So I see elements of Living Sober as part of understanding the core basics of the programme, acclimatising if you will for want of a better word. Nor do i see it as perfect as it was written in the 1970s and some of the advice can feel a little outdated the encouragement of developing a sugar craving, and newer issuers have presented themselves. Then again, it really gets the newcomer to look at some really important aspects of how we approach everyday situations as alcoholic and some practical advice. Suddenly free of booze, all these crazy thoughts and ways to handle life become more magnified and my god what am i going to do now, what about tomorrow, what about this weekend etc. It also introduces nicely some of the themes that will be looked at in greater detail in the steps and be worked on in greater detail in the rest of our lives. But i am great believer that there are many ways to approach recovery, what works for one doesn’t work for another. Dive right in and keep running or make sure you walk briskly and breath in, smell, see and experience the new surroundings; the hare of the tortoise approach, but unlike in the fable, the hare can then turn into a tortoise as recovery develops. Also neither should we all be shut of from learning. So yeah hit me new ideas, i am greedy and i see recovery as never being complacent thinking i have got it, there is always new things to grow and practise.
To be honest i am just looking for people’s different experiences. Positioning Living Sober as the solution is not what i am seeking to do, but it is good to be reminded that this is not a manifesto for the programme.
I believe it is one thing to read the words of LS or the big book or to memorise phrases from any of the many books at our fingertips. As i look around in the rooms those with energising and inspiring recovery are those who live, and experience what they say as well as how they have faced their challenges. It took me a long while to realise recovery is not just knowing the big book, but to feel it in my heart and soul. So i am hoping to hear from those who have had sponsors who have imparted information such as this in the early days, whether for the serial relapser or the person who wants to jump right on board and managed to stay sober. So if you want to talk about approaches to Step 1 please feel free to give tips.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
LondonAA--What you describe as the concerns of LS (which I am unfamiliar with) and even what you say you do in your first post, sound more like therapy than any 12-step program that I ever encountered. That is a good thing.
I did the check in and left a message on my sponsors voice mail every day, but I never understood the point. The issues I was dealing with in early recovery were about health, loneliness, shame. The steps were secondary because I just needed to scape enough money to eat.
I think listening and observing are so key in sponsorship. I remember my sponsor asked me out once to go out after a meeting with some people. I was very broke. It was torture sitting there hungry watching everyone eat, nursing my glass of water. I may have had a cup of coffee. But I could never go again. I do not think he ever noticed why or asked. I remember he once yelled at me for not leaving a message. It had rained heavily the night before and I did not want to walk to the pay phone to call him in the driving rain.
I think this was one reason why I began to feel alienated from the program. It was not his job to take care of me, but it was his job to notice--or at least remember that I told him I was unemployed and could not afford things.
I think that if you pay attention to the sponsees you work with you will know what is the right thing to do and when. Looking at people who are helped by 12-step programs it seems to me that having at least one person who they can share with without shame and from whom they can expect acceptance makes all the difference.
My sponsors all said that the first three steps are the ones that you are "given" or that they are decisions you make on your own. They did not start working on steps with sponsees until the 4th one. I never could get there on my own, so my contact with sponsors was limited.
I did not realize that sponsors do not call sponsees at the time, so I thought a few of them dropped me. I think it is important to explain expectations and not assume the sponsees know what they are supposed to do, just because they had a sponsor before.
Looking back, I really think what I needed was not a sponsor but rather a guide. I did not understand much about the program. What I really needed was someone to explain things and who I could have asked questions of. There was so much I did wrong out of ignorance. The meetings were so stressful and the shares were so confusing that I could not read between the lines during shares to get the info I needed. The books seemed to bear so little relation to what I was seeing in the program that I could not reconcile them. Years later, I found out a lot on these site and from my therapist. But by that point I had already stopped participating in 12-step programs.
I did the check in and left a message on my sponsors voice mail every day, but I never understood the point. The issues I was dealing with in early recovery were about health, loneliness, shame. The steps were secondary because I just needed to scape enough money to eat.
I think listening and observing are so key in sponsorship. I remember my sponsor asked me out once to go out after a meeting with some people. I was very broke. It was torture sitting there hungry watching everyone eat, nursing my glass of water. I may have had a cup of coffee. But I could never go again. I do not think he ever noticed why or asked. I remember he once yelled at me for not leaving a message. It had rained heavily the night before and I did not want to walk to the pay phone to call him in the driving rain.
I think this was one reason why I began to feel alienated from the program. It was not his job to take care of me, but it was his job to notice--or at least remember that I told him I was unemployed and could not afford things.
I think that if you pay attention to the sponsees you work with you will know what is the right thing to do and when. Looking at people who are helped by 12-step programs it seems to me that having at least one person who they can share with without shame and from whom they can expect acceptance makes all the difference.
My sponsors all said that the first three steps are the ones that you are "given" or that they are decisions you make on your own. They did not start working on steps with sponsees until the 4th one. I never could get there on my own, so my contact with sponsors was limited.
I did not realize that sponsors do not call sponsees at the time, so I thought a few of them dropped me. I think it is important to explain expectations and not assume the sponsees know what they are supposed to do, just because they had a sponsor before.
Looking back, I really think what I needed was not a sponsor but rather a guide. I did not understand much about the program. What I really needed was someone to explain things and who I could have asked questions of. There was so much I did wrong out of ignorance. The meetings were so stressful and the shares were so confusing that I could not read between the lines during shares to get the info I needed. The books seemed to bear so little relation to what I was seeing in the program that I could not reconcile them. Years later, I found out a lot on these site and from my therapist. But by that point I had already stopped participating in 12-step programs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Whether one likes/dislikes; uses/doesn't use; reads-studies/ignores the book Living Sober, one may notice that this book is A.A. General Service Conference Approved literature. Therefore, AA must think it has some value........as an addition to AA's BB and 12X12.....perhaps.....?
(o:
(o:
Awakening...
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
Sponsorship 101:
1. Sit down with your little pigeon, a Big Book on your lap and a Big Book on his/her lap.
2. Say to the person, "This is how it was with me, but I recovered, and I can show you how to recover also."
3. You open the book, start with the title page, "Alcoholics Anonymous, the story of how thousands have recovered from alcoholism." (I think that's right, don't have a Big Book with me), and stop when you get to page 164.
There. Simple.
1. Sit down with your little pigeon, a Big Book on your lap and a Big Book on his/her lap.
2. Say to the person, "This is how it was with me, but I recovered, and I can show you how to recover also."
3. You open the book, start with the title page, "Alcoholics Anonymous, the story of how thousands have recovered from alcoholism." (I think that's right, don't have a Big Book with me), and stop when you get to page 164.
There. Simple.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LondonAA
Hi there, i am looking to get some tips on working with newcomers. To be honest i am just looking for people’s different experiences.
I absolutely agree that a solid Step 1 experience is critical. I don't have the power to do a thorough 4th Step. I can't see the truth without some divine guidance. However, most of the ideas contained in Living Sober move me farther from a Step 1 experience. They are all about ways that I can, under my own power, stay away from a drink. And that's just not the truth for me, not is it true for many alcoholics who need AA's solution.
Lots of good stuff in Living Sober. Lots of great advice for white knuckling through the first few weeks. But it moves away from desperation and hopelessness. I've found (just like the BB observes) the most success with newcomers when they are at their most desperate.
Originally Posted by LondonAA
Without being sober for a few weeks, I and many do not see a point of going down this route of working Step 1 in a intense way...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
FEELINGS AND THE VULNERABLE - The big book for me was of its time, a very radical book for us alcoholics, but it dealt with mainly one case of drunk, the man, in middle America who was tough and needed to have the programme hammered into him. Plus that was the culture of the time. No one even after recovery talked about dormant feelings or breaking down in tears with your sponsor, can you imagine Bill and Bob crying to each other or talking about their hurt inner child or self parenting. One only has to look at the latter writings of Bill how he finally started to really connect with his feelings. Despite this the book still has enormous amounts of emphasis on love and tolerance and was radical for its time, adn so even in the 40s and 50s whilst it was tough love there was still hugs and compassion (but in case of Bill W from female members of the programme!!!). Those first 100 cases, very few it suffered broken homes, violent upbringings, nor was there an understanding of the psychological affects on people of dysfunctionality or our brains being fried. As the fellowship has grown more vulnerable, fragile and broken people have come in and the method and approach get on your knees, are you prepared to go to any lengths, do as i say doesn’t always work.
I AM YOUR HP DO AS I SAY - Two things that jumped out of me, that makes me realise how power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely; in this programme especially, when people in the fellowship have a few years under the belt and feel they can play god/HP with someone they are sponsoring, some know this, others are just not very well. Luckily these people whilst strong personalities are in the minority. As a warning to us all from what i understand these people can self combust from heart attacks and other stress related problems because they are so angry.
SHUT IT YOU’RE FIRED - Shouting at a sponsee and firing a sponsee - My sponsor, who is a kind man, said to be where is the love and tolerance, and what sort of God/HP do they believe in if they feel they can shout at someone. Frequently i have heard the expression, if you don’t do this i am going to fire you, or people sharing despondent or upset because they have been dropped/fired by their sponsor. Now of course the sponsor i believe is in their rights to say things are not working out or vice versa, and then allow that person to find someone else, but remaining their sponsor until they do so. To leave some without support in the first year, but at any juncture, is an abuse of the relationship. When so much seems to depend on the support on the sponsor in early recovery and we get used to this relationship for our health and well being no matter how much we hand it over to the HP, to be suddenly cut adrift like that can have devastating consequences. Part of being a sponsor is to pass the message of love and tolerance to people and the kindness of the fellowship. I do hope in the long term you can see that you were probably better without this/these persons. Others will probably give those sponsors a gold star feeling that you were not prepared to go to any lengths, but even if you were not, they should not better and explain the importance of why daily phone calls are helpful no matter what then ego tripping.
MAD HATTER STYLE OF FELLOWSHIP - I sometimes get intimidated by old timers who well versed in the big book and come out with passages of text, it leaves many newcomers feeling intimidated or feeling less than. It reminds me of the Mad Hatter talking in riddles. Great, but what do you mean, please speak in plain English, you are ever so confusing. By the way can you look at yourself in the mirror and say you are happy with the person you see, but no hiding behind the big book please.
INCLUSIVE FELLOWSHIP - I get a lot from those in the 12 steps who have also had other life experiences. In London we are blessed that people come from many different life experiences, jobs, religious backgrounds and bring this knowledge into their recovery. It helps me a lot. However we still have our fair share of those Pimping Sponsors that almost sell their services outside the meetings and force themselves on individuals.
DEMYSTFYING THE PROGRAMME, RECOVERY AND MEETINGS - But you touched on something there which for me is why a book like Living Sober along with lots of other things is important. Many find the whole experience baffling and overwhelming. I see it like joining a course or school, mid term, feeling you have missed out on loads and struggling from day one to play catch up. Thinsg like taking out the stress of sharing at meetings as much as that is possible, and demystifying so much. A guide/mentor/coach/step buddy, what ever you call it.
I AM YOUR HP DO AS I SAY - Two things that jumped out of me, that makes me realise how power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely; in this programme especially, when people in the fellowship have a few years under the belt and feel they can play god/HP with someone they are sponsoring, some know this, others are just not very well. Luckily these people whilst strong personalities are in the minority. As a warning to us all from what i understand these people can self combust from heart attacks and other stress related problems because they are so angry.
SHUT IT YOU’RE FIRED - Shouting at a sponsee and firing a sponsee - My sponsor, who is a kind man, said to be where is the love and tolerance, and what sort of God/HP do they believe in if they feel they can shout at someone. Frequently i have heard the expression, if you don’t do this i am going to fire you, or people sharing despondent or upset because they have been dropped/fired by their sponsor. Now of course the sponsor i believe is in their rights to say things are not working out or vice versa, and then allow that person to find someone else, but remaining their sponsor until they do so. To leave some without support in the first year, but at any juncture, is an abuse of the relationship. When so much seems to depend on the support on the sponsor in early recovery and we get used to this relationship for our health and well being no matter how much we hand it over to the HP, to be suddenly cut adrift like that can have devastating consequences. Part of being a sponsor is to pass the message of love and tolerance to people and the kindness of the fellowship. I do hope in the long term you can see that you were probably better without this/these persons. Others will probably give those sponsors a gold star feeling that you were not prepared to go to any lengths, but even if you were not, they should not better and explain the importance of why daily phone calls are helpful no matter what then ego tripping.
MAD HATTER STYLE OF FELLOWSHIP - I sometimes get intimidated by old timers who well versed in the big book and come out with passages of text, it leaves many newcomers feeling intimidated or feeling less than. It reminds me of the Mad Hatter talking in riddles. Great, but what do you mean, please speak in plain English, you are ever so confusing. By the way can you look at yourself in the mirror and say you are happy with the person you see, but no hiding behind the big book please.
INCLUSIVE FELLOWSHIP - I get a lot from those in the 12 steps who have also had other life experiences. In London we are blessed that people come from many different life experiences, jobs, religious backgrounds and bring this knowledge into their recovery. It helps me a lot. However we still have our fair share of those Pimping Sponsors that almost sell their services outside the meetings and force themselves on individuals.
DEMYSTFYING THE PROGRAMME, RECOVERY AND MEETINGS - But you touched on something there which for me is why a book like Living Sober along with lots of other things is important. Many find the whole experience baffling and overwhelming. I see it like joining a course or school, mid term, feeling you have missed out on loads and struggling from day one to play catch up. Thinsg like taking out the stress of sharing at meetings as much as that is possible, and demystifying so much. A guide/mentor/coach/step buddy, what ever you call it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
I did the steps rather quickly once before and have taken my time with the steps too (more of the latter). Pertaining to step one and your sponsee...as a suggestion maybe do some reading together, discussing and going over sponsee's written explanations of each step? What has helped me is alot of what you describe (for the exception of the book you have mentioned - never heard of it); reading recovery material, music, reading spiritual material, prayer, calling others in the program, SR, AA, meeting my sponsor weekly, writing assignments on each step to be reviewed with sponsor, and living amends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by keithj
LondonAA, I gave you my experience from working with many newcomers. You are free to ignore it and explain why you want to stick with your opinion.
I absolutely agree that a solid Step 1 experience is critical. I don't have the power to do a thorough 4th Step. I can't see the truth without some divine guidance. However, most of the ideas contained in Living Sober move me farther from a Step 1 experience. They are all about ways that I can, under my own power, stay away from a drink. And that's just not the truth for me, not is it true for many alcoholics who need AA's solution.
Lots of good stuff in Living Sober. Lots of great advice for white knuckling through the first few weeks. But it moves away from desperation and hopelessness. I've found (just like the BB observes) the most success with newcomers when they are at their most desperate.
I absolutely agree that a solid Step 1 experience is critical. I don't have the power to do a thorough 4th Step. I can't see the truth without some divine guidance. However, most of the ideas contained in Living Sober move me farther from a Step 1 experience. They are all about ways that I can, under my own power, stay away from a drink. And that's just not the truth for me, not is it true for many alcoholics who need AA's solution.
Lots of good stuff in Living Sober. Lots of great advice for white knuckling through the first few weeks. But it moves away from desperation and hopelessness. I've found (just like the BB observes) the most success with newcomers when they are at their most desperate.
Hey Keith, absolutely i take your points on and in doing so it has allowed me to understand and articulate in my head and for others why Living Sober was helpful for my recovery. Though that is my recovery and may not work for others, may not be right for this sponsee. Your input has been really helpful, even if it appears not taking it on. However i do also appreciate your advice as everyone so far re there way and your emphasis on Step 1. Perhaps there is a better way to bring in Step One and worked alongside understanding the terms of Living Sober (without spending weeks just looking at LS which is not what i am advocating).
As @miamifella put so succinctly, a big problem for a lot of newcomers is that everything we say sounds like riddles and using expressions that make no immediate sense, or are no longer used in every day speak. So for me i believe the first part, is dymystifying lots of programme, sharing in meetings, service blah blah. But i have seen the downside to this, that they rely on hearsay or newcomers or AA Chinese whispers which distort things leading to exaggeration of stuff, the most common one being if you don’t believe in god you will relapse (god decides he is going to punish those who don’t believe in him and make us drink, really) or that step 4 is scary.
I would be interested to know how you approach making sponsees feel at ease in the fellowship or your suggestions on the early days apart from the Steps1? I am not implying that you don’t, but would love to hear you suggestions.
Also do you feel i can take someone through Step 1, start reading the book once again if they have just relapsed. Do we start off from where we left in the big book or go back to the first bit of the big book. Again thoughts appreciated? Are you aware of Mark Huston Big book study book, or the AA Awakenings as a workbook?
As for white knuckling it, i know what you mean. However I would apply that to a dry drunk who tries to live sober without the support of a fellowship. Not for the first few weeks for someone who is in the programme and is willing and listening and working with a sponsor, but then again i don’t argue against them understanding Powerlessness and Unmanageability. Also someone who is in months and doesn’t start to work the programme then for me that could be seen a white knuckling it. Then again is have met people who have worked the programme, and seem no better than a dry drunk, living on past glories, slowly stewing in their own thinking and as angry as the day they probably stepped in. They are the intimidating one but i guess there to help remind others what not to aspire to for recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by recoverywfaith
I did the steps rather quickly once before and have taken my time with the steps too (more of the latter). Pertaining to step one and your sponsee...as a suggestion maybe do some reading together, discussing and going over sponsee's written explanations of each step? What has helped me is alot of what you describe (for the exception of the book you have mentioned - never heard of it); reading recovery material, music, reading spiritual material, prayer, calling others in the program, SR, AA, meeting my sponsor weekly, writing assignments on each step to be reviewed with sponsor, and living amends.
Do reccomend Living Sobery - google it and you should be able to see extracts online.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I had no peace until I had a meaningful Step 1 experience... it started in treatment... listing examples of unmanageability.... borderline helpful.... but it was not until I was back home, sitting on my hands and trying to live sober, and miserable... did I have the experience that began to bring me some peace and purpose...
So if we are to help another... seems like step one is the place to start, although, yea, they can't drink, and yea, whatever works there... living sober, whatever....
But no one can put into words my step one experience, hell, I cannot do that myself... so yea, chinese whispers... LOL.... I get that. But it seems to me that we already know on some level, but "knowing" is not "seeing", at least not for me...
So if we are to help another... seems like step one is the place to start, although, yea, they can't drink, and yea, whatever works there... living sober, whatever....
But no one can put into words my step one experience, hell, I cannot do that myself... so yea, chinese whispers... LOL.... I get that. But it seems to me that we already know on some level, but "knowing" is not "seeing", at least not for me...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
Originally Posted by LondonAA
Thank you, could you tell me more about writing/discussing explanations of the steps with the sponsee. Did you do this prior to working step one? How did you use music? I know of a drama student who did his Step One through mime, obvioulsy worked for that individual. What format did you do for the writing assignments, did you follow a particular book?
Do reccomend Living Sobery - google it and you should be able to see extracts online.
Do reccomend Living Sobery - google it and you should be able to see extracts online.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
For the sponsees I've got who are successful in the program (working the steps, living happy lives, not relapsing.....etc), the first thing I did after they asked me to sponsor them was to tell them that I would......maybe.......but that I wanted them to go home that night and pray about it - to ask whatever HP is out there if I'm the right man for the job. I tell them I'm going to do the same. Then I tell them to call me the next evening or afternoon at a specific time....I lock the time down with them right then and there and say goodbye. (or maybe we arrange a visit face to face)
If/when they call or come over, and it better be on time, I ask them what they got out of their prayers the other night. If they didn't do it, then I tell them to try again and we reschedule.
Once we do have our talk, I ask them If they're sure they want to be in AA recovery. I ask them if they're sure they want to go all the way with it? I ask them WHY they want to do it..... (this is a big one....it's a good way to see what their possible alternative motives are). Then...... I tell them what I expect from them: 5min +/- calls Monday through Friday at a set time each morning, attend my homegroup and at least one other meeting with me per week, morning prayers, evening prayers, and, most importantly, I expect them to want to get better. They always say "yeah, I wanna get better" to which I tell them great.......but you've always wanted that and couldn't pull it off.....but you're in AA now and we've got a sure-fire guaranteed process that works 100% of the time.......and I'll go to the ends of the earth to help you......but YOU'VE got to DO it yourself - I can't drag you through the work. Finally, I tell them 100% honesty with me is a must. No hiding stuff, no BSing, none of that crap. As for my part, I tell them I'll give them everything I've got. I'll teach them everything I know, I'll help them understand and work the steps, and I'll help them see where they can better apply the program in their lives. I'll go trough the book with them and make sure they understand it. I also tell them I'll teach them about all the pitfalls that got me along the way...so that they can have a smoother go at it then I did.
Then I tell them to pray on that stuff......and to give me another call the following day at a set time or we arrange another meeting..... When that second call comes in, I ask them if they're willing to agree to everything I require. If they do, I give them a quick speech about how if they're not getting what they need with me, it's their duty to find a replacement for me and move on........and on the other hand, if I see that they're just not fulfilling their end, I'm going to let THEM go. No hard feelings.....that's just the best for both of us.
If they're still in.......after all of that.......then we start step 1 and/or the book that day or within a couple days. From that point on, I have them write 3 things they hate about themselves on a piece of paper and bring it to our next meeting. Again....it's a good way for me to get to know them and what they're bringing into AA.....and it's good practice for them to write their 4th step.
I encourage reading the 24hr book and/or daily reflections for all my new guys. I keep them out of the 12 and 12 more or less because it can be too confusing for new ppl to do the BB AND the 12&12. I ask specifically tell them to NOT read Living Sober.....mostly for the same reason Keith mentioned - teaches too much reliance upon self's and the use of tips/tricks to maintain sobriety.
Most of the guys I've worked with were not SUPER low bottom drunks so we went a BIT slowly...didn't get into the steps for a couple days or a week. Obviously, the more someone is hurting, the faster I'd move the process along.
If/when they call or come over, and it better be on time, I ask them what they got out of their prayers the other night. If they didn't do it, then I tell them to try again and we reschedule.
Once we do have our talk, I ask them If they're sure they want to be in AA recovery. I ask them if they're sure they want to go all the way with it? I ask them WHY they want to do it..... (this is a big one....it's a good way to see what their possible alternative motives are). Then...... I tell them what I expect from them: 5min +/- calls Monday through Friday at a set time each morning, attend my homegroup and at least one other meeting with me per week, morning prayers, evening prayers, and, most importantly, I expect them to want to get better. They always say "yeah, I wanna get better" to which I tell them great.......but you've always wanted that and couldn't pull it off.....but you're in AA now and we've got a sure-fire guaranteed process that works 100% of the time.......and I'll go to the ends of the earth to help you......but YOU'VE got to DO it yourself - I can't drag you through the work. Finally, I tell them 100% honesty with me is a must. No hiding stuff, no BSing, none of that crap. As for my part, I tell them I'll give them everything I've got. I'll teach them everything I know, I'll help them understand and work the steps, and I'll help them see where they can better apply the program in their lives. I'll go trough the book with them and make sure they understand it. I also tell them I'll teach them about all the pitfalls that got me along the way...so that they can have a smoother go at it then I did.
Then I tell them to pray on that stuff......and to give me another call the following day at a set time or we arrange another meeting..... When that second call comes in, I ask them if they're willing to agree to everything I require. If they do, I give them a quick speech about how if they're not getting what they need with me, it's their duty to find a replacement for me and move on........and on the other hand, if I see that they're just not fulfilling their end, I'm going to let THEM go. No hard feelings.....that's just the best for both of us.
If they're still in.......after all of that.......then we start step 1 and/or the book that day or within a couple days. From that point on, I have them write 3 things they hate about themselves on a piece of paper and bring it to our next meeting. Again....it's a good way for me to get to know them and what they're bringing into AA.....and it's good practice for them to write their 4th step.
I encourage reading the 24hr book and/or daily reflections for all my new guys. I keep them out of the 12 and 12 more or less because it can be too confusing for new ppl to do the BB AND the 12&12. I ask specifically tell them to NOT read Living Sober.....mostly for the same reason Keith mentioned - teaches too much reliance upon self's and the use of tips/tricks to maintain sobriety.
Most of the guys I've worked with were not SUPER low bottom drunks so we went a BIT slowly...didn't get into the steps for a couple days or a week. Obviously, the more someone is hurting, the faster I'd move the process along.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
What did your sponsor do with you?
What does your sponsor say about this?
The Big Book is our basic TEXT and should be studied and discussed through meetings. that is what the OldTimers did.
ALL of the answers are in the Big Book. How many times have you gone through the steps?
My grand sponsor learned from June who learned from Clarence who learned from Dr. Bob, when there was NO Big Book, yet, the Big Book is what they DID.
Step One: I have a mental obsession that is coupled with a physical allergy. To drink is to die. I surrendered to the fact that I can NOT safely take one drink for the rest of my life, with no reservation.
etc.
Call your sponsor.
What does your sponsor say about this?
The Big Book is our basic TEXT and should be studied and discussed through meetings. that is what the OldTimers did.
ALL of the answers are in the Big Book. How many times have you gone through the steps?
My grand sponsor learned from June who learned from Clarence who learned from Dr. Bob, when there was NO Big Book, yet, the Big Book is what they DID.
Step One: I have a mental obsession that is coupled with a physical allergy. To drink is to die. I surrendered to the fact that I can NOT safely take one drink for the rest of my life, with no reservation.
etc.
Call your sponsor.
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