susanlauren

When I came back to AA, I was licked and desperate and willing to do anything. I knew I couldn't drink, and I knew I couldn't stop myself from drinking. No consequence was going to be enough to prevent me from picking back up again. I was dry, but certainly not sober. I understood the phenomenon of craving; it was all too familiar experience. I knew the peculiar mental twists and mental insanity; I was fighting a pitched battle with the mental obsession every single day. I was living unmanageability; my life was page 52.

The last thing on earth I needed was a writing exercise about step one and/or the suggestions from Living Sober. I had become adapt at white knuckling -- even to the point of not going grocery shopping because I didn't trust myself to not come home with a bottle. Or even more insanely, going grocery shopping and giving myself permission to buy any beverage in the store that was non-alcoholic. You can only imagine what my shopping cart looked like -- very little food with lots of variety of drinks (non-alcoholic).

What I needed when I came back to AA was an entire psychic change, a vital spiritual experience and a complete rearrangement of ideas, attitudes, motivations, guiding life principles, etc. I needed a personality change sufficient to overcome my alcoholism. I needed to be freed of the obsession from the inside, not shielded from alcohol on the outside. I needed a power greater than myself that would solve my problem for me, because I certainly didn't have the power or the strength or the solution myself.

If I had waited months to work the steps or dilly-dallied around on step one, I would have gotten drunk. What I needed was a no nonsense and thorough working of the steps. Steps one through three were done as a matter of a two hour conversation and then I began steady work on inventory. The work was done directly from the text of the Big Book -- no fancy worksheets or writing exercises -- the old fashioned way. As I began work on my 4th step, the obsession to drink left me.

In two months from the date I began, I had completed steps 1 through 9. As I wrote inventory, I did steps 10 and 11 on a daily basis and I continue to do steps 10 and 11 daily. What happened as a result of working the steps according to the directions in the text (1st 164 pages of the Big Book) was a spiritual awakening. I am an entirely different person (for the better). I don't want to drink anymore. I have been reborn. I have a connection with my Higher Power that I never had before. I am forever grateful.

Maybe there are people who can take their time working through the steps and not end up relapsing. Maybe there are people who can stay sober on meetings and fellowship alone. Maybe there are people who can leisurely incorporate new age and wholistic and alternative resources into their recovery. I know for me: these things would have killed me. I needed power greater than myself before my own lack of power got me further into an alcoholic hell. Had I taken my time, it would have been the death of me.
Susan

Tommyh

when i get a new guy,he goes thru the dr`s opinion 6 times,3 by himself,3 with me...each time looking for different things i give him,then we do th same for chapter 3,then he should be able to agree with the last paragraph of chapter 3 or else start over...

Boleo

Thanks BBall for the tip.

This last line from Chapter 3 separates those looking for spiritual based recovery from those looking for managed abstinence:

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

Tommyh

absolutely Labrat(I hope you don`t mind)

TigerClub

I like this re-reading idea and this myself. As the book can be at times, packed with so much stuff, and at times confusing for the newcomer, re-reading it really hammers it in and allows the messages to sink in.

Do you say three consecutive readings for the sponseee or on separate occassions. And also when you did this with the sponsee, are the three readings done over one meeting or separate ones.

Brucel

Good stuff everyone. For my experience, I was sent to AA by the courts in 1985 and didn't get SOBER till 2004. I truely believe it's because I didn't experience that spiritual connection. I was riding or your guys idea of what a Higher Power was. Desperation allowed me to be openminded enough to seek my own. I haven't looked back. So when I work with a new guy, that's the two things I stress. Powerlessness ( thanks for the tip BBD) and willingness to find a power greater than myself that will remove the insanity of the first drink. Thanks everyone and "keep it simple" Not all my sponsees stay sober, but so far, I have.

TigerClub

@Susan I agree in your case, and for many it is do or die, they need to march on and get head round this concept of powerlessness and unmanageability.

For the not bottom cases, I have however seen many people stay (relatively and on outward appearances) happy and sober without immediately working the steps in the first few months, and in some cases without a sponsor, but i know this can’t be sustained, as the longer this carries on the harder and painful recovery becomes (and not something i personally did). But have you ever had sponsees that later on suddenly brought up something, few weeks, maybe a few months in, which indicated that they didn’t really get Step One. I am not suggesting with all cases, but I have seen many who have nodded and smiled with their sponsees (myself included), talked the talked, but didn’t actually let it sink in or really have a clue what the sponsor was talking about..hence me being persuaded by in future wanting to follow the set of question workbooks (but not going the other extreme and overwhelming them like in NA) so that they really ponder on the themes and uncover any confusion/resistance.

CarolD

well.....
I started sonsoring within a few months....so 8-89 to when I quit sposnring 20 years later.....
I lost count of how many I've sponsored ...don't know what happened to most. No way do I remember what I did or said to each one.

I do know the first and last 4 are continueing their recovery.....and that I am but a channel for God's work.

And I have never had a formal sponsor instead I've done Step work with many and get feedback from even more...
No it was not me being defiaent ...I was turned down by members and also I have re located 3 times in recovery.

TigerClub

HOPE TONE OF BELOW DOESN'T SOUND RUDE, JUST LATE HERE AND GENUINELY INTERESTED IN HEARING OPINIONS, PLUS I AM STILL A MASSIVE PEOPLE PLEASER AND SO HAD TO ADD THIS BIT!

To Dive or Not To Dive That Is the Question
It seems everyone a lot on here advocate rushing into Step 1 for all cases of those who walk through the door and get a sponsor. Are there ever any cases where a breathing space is necessary?

I like to call it dethawing/acclimatising, a window of anywhere between a week to a month. Those who may need to look at health issues, other crises, just need to warm up to being comfortable with people, having lost the art of communicating with other humans or worse cases harmed or scarred by situations or things. There are cases of the scared rabbit in the headlights newcomer shivering with fear, and perhaps needs to feel the warmth of the programme, and made to feel safe in their initial weeks.

Or the dazed and confused whose brain is f*cked from years of abuse who can hardly articulate their thoughts, let alone digest and take on board what is covered in Step one.. Even if for one or two weeks, are there ever exceptions in your opinion, for people to be able to at least properly get their brain cells working as best they can at this stage and think.

As sponsors with time under your belt, have you never taken a pause, and gone you are not yet ready to work Step 1 (someone accused me of acting like a higher power in an earlier post, but it just seems like common sense to judge this on a case by case basis, no two people are alike). You may feel actually they then are not ready to be sponsored. Whilst not doubting the sentiment and the will for helping people, the approach seems ‘old school’ and regimented.

I have seen many newcomers only interested in clearing the wreckage of the past as well as stopping the cravings, and eyeballing Step 4 and 9 as the answer and nod their head to their sponsors saying they get the first three, just because they want to be rid of all this baggage and be like the people with time.

Or is Step One something that deepens further in as i have experienced, now with a few years under my belt, and really getting an appreciation for it.
Perhaps my experience has made me more alert to the differences. I wanted to dive right in when i 'signed up' but because like most newcomers i had no idea what was really going on - even though i thought i had my mental faculties around me - i got 'kidnapped' by a man who made things far more stressful than they needed to be in early days.

MY BAD SPONSOR EXPERIENCE - (Sounds like a film title, Bad Sponsors, Though in now way as funny as BAD SANTA!)

First sponsor sadly spent first couple of meetings shouting at me, thinking what worked for him would work for me and after nearly a month with him didn't even get through Step 1, though i read the corresponding chapters in the big book.

So I got started two months in. Looking back, what is that kept me sober in first few months. It wasn't my sponsor (who made me want to avoid his meetings), it was the fellowship, the meetings, finally having a voice and to talk about all the torture hat was going on in my head, and realising that i wasn't alone and that i had found my tribe and that there was a way. That for me was if you call it, the love of the higher power guiding me gently, allowing me to slowly reconnect with humanity and realise there was a bridge to normal living. My sense of powerlessness really started to come from hearing my story in other peoples chairs, and it being reflected back to me. Also a step meeting i attended also warmed me up to the concept of the steps.

I didn't exactly take my time, but due to me not having a clue what i was doing, like most and a bad experience with my first sponsor i didn’t really address in my head the concept powerlessness seriously until much later. What i knew was that i couldn't carry on drinking.

Tommyh

first time he goes it alone and then we meet and go over it again together.He is to look word definations up he does not know or thinks he knows,write out definations....
we need to be on the same page if we are to study the book,right?
as he goes thru the chapter,he looks up the words and highlights or underlines things he thinks are important.We then meet and we read a page and discuss it.I lisstyen to see if he is learning.
Second time thru he looks for the problem and solution.Puts a p or s in the margin for for futher reference later on.
Next he goes home and looks for ( I added this) warnings,directions,and promises,and pouts a w,d,or p in the margin also.We meet and read a page each and discuss it.
chapter 3 is the same
I did add a small tad but that is how my sponsor went thru step one with me
drs opinion,first half step one,and more about alcoholism,second half of step one


This way it keeps him in the book,and out of sitting around doing noothing,and putting a lot of effort into his journey.

Tommyh

I will add,my sponsor looked at my notebook to see if I was really writing out word definations and looking at my big book to see highlighting,underlineing etc to make sure i was doing the work and not trying to bs him
step 2 we agnotics was a tad bit different

but thats a different topic

Mark75

Interesting thread.

I had the first part of step one well before I quit drinking... I knew I was powerless and really didn't care all that much because I didn't see the unmanageability... Yea, I did the work sheets and came up with all sorts of superficial examples... Almost burning the house down, stupid sh1t while doing high risk activities, putting myself and others in harms way, all that...

But it did take a while to begin to see my unmanageabiliy from a more spiritual, well yea, spiritual, but also in a more mundane way, from an internal point of view... Hard to put in to words... And it did take work in steps 4-9 to begin to understand and appreciate that unmanageability... For me that was where my denial hid, and no worksheets or sponsors or people in authority was gonna get me there. Only moving forward and doing meaningful work in the subsequent steps was successful.

susanlauren

I think there is something call the gift of desperation. Many newcomers walking through the doors of AA have that gift. Problem is that the gift has an expiration date. As time goes on, the pain that brought someone into the rooms lessens and the need/desire to take action (i.e., work the steps) often disappears. Thank God I did not have a sponsor who dilly-dallied around with writing exercises on Steps 1 through 3. If I did, I probably would be drinking right now. Susan

Veritas1

A.A. Way of Life - Working Step 1"

Scroll down to the "unmanageability exercise". I think these are questions that could be helpful in the approach of step 1.

TigerClub

Defence of Writing
That is a powerful message. But equally powerful are the hundreds, thousands and worldwide that do writing, and drill deeper, connect with their true feelings, stay sober and have a great message of living happy, joyous and free. I met an amazing women yesterday who saw writing as a chore but looks back and see's that it gave her a richer recovery, firmer foundations and wow this women had a powerful message for explaining step one as in the meeting.

Too Much Too Soon – Crashing and Burning Out from Step 4 or Doing a David Blaine
You seem to have a passionate grasp of the programme, but have you gone back and reworked the steps, or do you get a deeper understanding of Step 1 and 3 from working with your sponsees. How honest can someone be with Step 4 in their first few months. I see recovery like peeling an onion, and for that reason relishing chance to go back as really, how many of us in our first year really knew what we were feeling. Compared to further years down the line. THOUGH that doesn't mean not working step one to three in first few months. But diving into Step 4 so early on especially in month one or two, for me would have been a smoke and mirrors exercise, doing magic tricks on myself. But some people granted need an emergency treatment, but then they need to go back and do the steps again for sure.

The Pain of Step 4 – Loving and Kindness and Adequate Emotional Support
My worry for the marathon racers of recovery, is using once size fits all. Step 4 can be a traumatic time for some (not all granted) in recovery, and too early on (first few months in my opinion) and that stuff can spin people out. A thorough and honest Step 4 looks at the emotional wounds, the inner child trauma, or equally adult trauma of what we put ourselves through as we lived our dysfunctional thinking. This processes releases intense emotions, like watching a bad film of yourself, with all the good bits edited out, but unlike a normal film, this is not a two hour jobs, it lasts days, weeks, and during that time and beyond, and once you start playing that film it doesn’t seem to stop. For those who do a thorough Step 4 emotions like pain, rage, terror and for certain cases (toxic) shame come flooding back. Toxic shame is something i see many AAers unable to deal with and run away from even in their fearless and honest Step 4; if released and tapped into too early can leave people feeling emotionally vulnerable, but it has to be released at some point, and that is where good, loving, kind sponsor comes into play.

Sadly i have seen some sponsors, enjoying the process of ‘breaking’ down the sponsees without giving them any help in seeing the good assets of their character, but this makes the sponsee more dependent on them, one can only watch from the sides and pray they find a healthier sponsor or don’t crash and burn.

Self Flagellation Route
Also for those doing Step four and going into Step 5, so early on, do they truly understand the difference between these two words; defective versus dysfunctional. A lot of the defects we are labelled with, are really our emotional defence systems we built up as children/teenagers to protect ourselves. How many newcomers get to understand that we are not inherently wrong whilst doing Step4 and 5, that we are not bad people, we are not to beat ourselves up even more, and that this process is to help us have a living, fulfilling relationship with ourselves. I have heard some really self-abusive stuff come out from newcomers as they do Step 4 realisng basically how horrible they were, and using some really abusive language on themselves, lifting words from the bog book but not in the way they were intended. Sometime i wonder how many sponsors, help them in the process.

I hear it takes five years to get your marbles back and then another five years to know what to do. For me my marbles was smashed when i came in, so i am still trying to rebuild them, let alone find them.

Hare and Tortoise Recovery
I always think of the hare and the tortoise fable - all of us (me included in my first year) we are all rushing to be free and not pick up, running away from our last drunk or what brought us in to the rooms, but in the process do we force things, fake things a bit too much when we don't really mean it. Yes some say it’s the gift of desperation - but the this gift doesn't mean using the programme like we used alcohol or drugs for a quick fix, and if we do then i would advise that for long terms spiritual well being to go back and do the steps. Heck if we keep saying how much we love them and how life changing they were, why don't we go back and do them again.

Remember the Fragile Vulnerable and Fragile That Walk
There is this great piece from Melanie Beattie for the ones that seem to be slipping between the cracks of the old school approach of recovery. But this dogmatic approach works for some.many granted. The original Big Book was a great guide, but in 2011 it style was very much of its time, back when men were men, no crying Mr, Bill, be a man, and the women, well they were told not to nag (focus on getting dinner on the table, Mad Men style) or the nagging of the man would lead to a relapse..... But the devil of the detail is right the 12 step approach to solving problems.

So for those that are emotionally fragile, dependent, and there are many that step through the door, how would one handle them, when they are frightened not only from drinking but trusting, how do we get them to be ready, to let in a loving HP. Many might have the gift of desperation but equally they have the fear of allowing some anywhere near that gift, fearful of being hurt or trusting someone......

Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We
learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections, not so that
others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love
and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and
changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes
us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and
people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel
ashamed.

Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may
have shared things with people who didn't respect our confidence. Or we
may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them
away.

We learn from our mistakes, and despite our mistakes, it is still a good
thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to
choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share
appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away. We can also learn
to let others be vulnerable with us.....M.B.

Tosh

My sponsor is a brilliant guy; and he took me through the steps in the simplest and most effective way possible. Starting at the preface, I was given a 'reading and studying' assignment each week; normally a chapter and we'd meet up and discuss what I'd read.

And then when we got to the 'action bits', Step 3 prayer etc, we just did them as we worked our way through the book.

In fact after my Step 3 prayer, my sponsor wouldn't let me smoke, because after another paragraph following the prayer the book says, "Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action...", so he wanted to show me how to do a Step 4 before he let me smoke!

Steps 5 to 9 were done in one sitting; I went through my inventory, he left me for an hour to follow the instructions after that in the Big Book; he then returned and we did Steps 6 and 7 (it's only two ruddy paragraphs); my Step 8 was already done (my sponsor did it while I shared during Step 5) and we started discussing Step 9.

That evening, the same day I did Steps 5, 6, 7, 8 and discussed 9, I made two amends.

That was a magical day for me; a real spiritual experience. I reckon I could've been diagnosed with cancer that day, and I would've just smiled.

Just keep it simple guys, do the work straight from the Big Book, don't add or subtract and the desired result will happen.

keithj

I've found the directions for approaching a newcomer and guiding him through the Steps that are contained in Chapter 7 have been far more successful than any of the methods I've invented.

sugarbear1

I went to any lengths to drink (or use).

I found someone willing to help me to stop killing my self. She took me through 12 steps in 2 days.

I had a psychic change. We are going through the steps AGAIN.

All the answers are in the big book. Big book meetings help a lot. I continue on the path of sobriety.

susanlauren

Sigh. An at depth experience of step one removed any barrier or resistance I had for doing the remainder of the twelve steps. My choices had come down to: start the car in the garage with the garage door closed, pick back up and continue to drink, or go back to AA and work the program (and the steps) as if my life depended upon it. Did that make working the steps "comfortable"? No, but working the steps were a whole lot more comfortable than continuing to live as an untreated alcoholic.

If we are alcoholic, we have a problem we cannot solve on our own power and strength. AA is about finding a power greater than ourselves that will solve our problem for us. The steps are what lead us to that power. As a result of working the steps I had a spiritual awakening that literally transformed me. Changes that could only have been accomplished with years of self-discipline happened in a matter of a few months. The problem that I could not solve was removed from me. It just happened. That was the miracle of it. And as long as I continue to maintain my spiritual condition on a daily basis, the gift and the miracle will continue to be mine.

Today, I work steps 10, 11 and 12 on a daily basis. These are daily disciplines. Step 10 encompasses steps 4 through 9. The goal is to grow in understanding and effectiveness and to continue to expand and enlarge my spiritual condition. I am to seek God's will in all my activities, and I am to seek how I can be of service to others. "How can I best serve Thee -- Thy will (not mine) be done." I will never finish these goals; they are for a lifetime. Every single day is a living of the steps.

There is a time and place for therapy. Alcoholics Anonymous is not psychotherapy. A sponsor is not a therapist. A sponsor is a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous who is willing to show the newcomer how to work the steps from the AA textbook. As a result of working the steps, the newcomer will experience a spiritual awakening and a conscious contact with a power greater than him/herself. AA is not about healing the inner child or understanding the role one played in one's dysfunctional family of origin or about healing past trauma. That is why the Big Book suggests consultation and care from a good doctor or psychiatrist (i.e., health care professionals) when this is needed.

If a person can come into AA and not work the steps for months, even years, and are able to remain sober, then I question whether they even need to work the steps or even need to live their life on a spiritual basis. Not everyone who comes to AA is an alcoholic. Many come into the rooms as heavy drinkers. Others cannot stay sober apart from life on a spiritual basis. I think the question to "when should these folks work the steps and how quickly should these folks work the steps?" is best answered by another question: "How soon do they want to get well?"
Susan


By the way, I had approximately 90 resentments and 40 fears on my resentment and fear inventories. If other things are revealed to me as time goes on, I will certainly deal with them. But I have no doubt nor question that I completed as comprehensive of a 4th step inventory (i.e., searching and fearless) as I could possibly do. It was a thorough housecleaning; nothing was held back from examination.

TigerClub

Double sigh, but i am learning from you as i hope you learning to see that these is an easier softer way for some/many who don’t follow or subscribe to this Speedy Gonzalez style of recovery – incidentally i did all my steps in one year. I always feel sorry for the vulnerable who come across sponsors that hammers or scold anyone who dares bring up any pain they may be going through childhood or not childhood related, suppress your feelings and work the steps, action action action, the ego kicks in, from the first day to the last meeting before meeting their maker. You have a feeling, a bad one, well you are not working the steps.

AA in 2011 is thankfully, emotionally and spiritually more mature, and not the AA of 1940s in Akron. Not to take away from the achievements of those earlier pioneers, nor belittle them, but we have moved on in many ways.
We now truly truly welcome all those who suffer from alcoholism, nor refuse support to those who wish to recover (no matter if we feel they may not fit our idea of an alcoholic) but the fundamentals remain; the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Granted i am sure you are a good sponsor, and have the best intentions, for people who are on the same page as you, and there is no harm in that.

What about the others, the square peg in the round hole variety, who are still emotionally numb, and feel they are hurtling through the steps, ‘please sponsor’ they want to ask, but dare not bring it up, ‘can we take a breather and slow down a little i am not taking this all in’. The sponsor however remains unsympathetic to their struggle, saying ‘you’ve done 1-3 so you ready, so let’s carry on, it will be good for you’.

I don't see recovery as a game of snakes and ladders, going back a step in early recovery or at any stage is healthy, if we go too quickly it can be good to do refreshers or some more work on this step. Even the best of us struggle to deal with emotions bubbling up in their Step 4 at later stages (mine month three to five), but what of those not ready, let alone not really getting 1-3 (‘could we go back sponsor’ they want to really ask but are too scared to admit it now to this person that they are still struggling with some of the earlier themes).

The sponsor doesn’t really listen, dictating what is right for them, they don’t have the confidence or social skills to reach out to others yet to check if this is really the best way to do this, or they haven’t yet developed ties with other in the fellowship because they are a still new in. And just like that they stop coming to meetings, maybe not pick up but drop out because of being bullied out. Even if it was one out of every 1000 newcomer that one person who is an alcoholic, deserves to be acknowledged. I sadly know of people who flee the fellowship because of problems with the sponsors heavy handed approach, not the principles themselves.

Now i know about 10, 11 and 12 and they are great, but too much too fast, just to feed the sponsors desire to get another gold star.

I feel blessed to live in a vibrant cosmopolitan city that allows people different paths in life, both inside and outside the rooms and also understand that people have come from different emotional places, different starting points. Sadly we also have exceptions, and have those who become fascistic in their approach and bullying people within and outside of meetings, as well as within the sponsor/sponsee realtionship.

Who are we to judge if someone is, or isn't an alcoholic, either for those that haven’t worked the steps for a few months or longer, or if we feel they have more issues of being a heavy drinker. Nor should we judge someone who hasn’t worked the programme according to our standards, as much as we feel what fools to come in and sit at the back of class, treat it like ‘cheap therapy’ and not really participate (when i am feeling a spiritual fascist and better than, then yes i can do others inventory and condemn their lack of recovery, looking my nose down at them). I met someone whose sponsors analysed everyone in his sponsees home group, tell the sponsee who he felt wasn’t an alcoholic.

I try to share my experience, strength and hope, about what i get from the working the steps, and all the other wonders of the life that is given reconnecting with life etc. My original questions was asking the bridging bit, Step Zero as i have heard it called, the shortish window (week to a month) between coming in and working the first step.

Today i met two enlightening people and as they say, just what i needed to hear. The first one who came in the room and puffed his chest when he shared, slammed in an aggressive tone anyone who dared talk about their pain of their childhood, or feelings in meetings and stop going ‘poor me’, when no one had brought this up in the meeting. Now this man was so angry, the classic angry man who worked the book as laid out in the original, but hasn’t learnt to love himself not have the courage to have real feelings, the ones who seem to get worse not better in recovery, intolerant of anyone who didn’t share their rigid view.

I could perhaps be accused of this here in our exchanges, but i struggle to see how your approach to recovery can dismiss or fail to understand that there is a place in the rooms for those who choose to weave in the last 80s or so years of the understanding of the human condition. As the big book says, more will be revealed and if trauma/issues that many alcoholics have suffered starts to rise, AA is meant to be a safe space where they can share this. As alcoholics we naturally have issues that come up. Look at Bill’s depression and what he touches upon on regarding emotional sobriety as the year’s unfolded.

You are right when the big book was written these issue, if not many issues were simply not talked about or addressed in the 30s/40s. Now there is thankfully greater understanding for the complex human condition and more compassion for those that suffer emotional issues that can drive them back to drink. However the issues known in 30s/40s mid America about basic alcoholism were phenomenal at the time but of its time. Where was the understanding of the battered wife, who got out of an abusive violent alcoholic relationship or suffered sexual violence as part of her drinking history.

Now we are a much more richer fellowship where people are not ashamed nor stigmatised to say they are a struggling alcoholic who has got sober and addressed issues that could drive them to drink, whether it be childhood trauma or dysfunctionality in their adult life, or much much more. Naturally some have problems that seem insurmountable, or people later in recovery have flash backs, reconnection with dormant feelings as deeper recovery hits in. Those who get through this or maybe struggling right now, help the innumerable newcomers that come from broken homes who think that is me, that person is going through what i am going through. This for me is a powerful message that these people have stayed sober and not picked up. I have seen many newcomers identifying with those that share on this and felt that they too can stay sober.

Someone else at the meeting this weekend had forty plus years, and i brought up how i have been consulting people online, but surprised at so many people so whole heartedly advocating racing or pressurising newcomers to race through the step, even with the best intentions. What this man revealed is when people rise at conventions, the long term stickers are the ones that share honestly, from the heart and wear recovery like a loose cloak or take a flexible approach.

Reworking the steps is something which many with long terms sobriety choose to do. Now i am ready to do this myself as i see those that do, having a far richer recovery for doing so, as they get down to a new layer. Someone just can’t get to this level in their first year/s, no matter how fearless and through. You could have written war and peace type novel on your resentments in year one (or month two it seems in your case), but five years later, everyone will get a new emotional understanding from revisting, it has been proven.

I also see that some people explore other fellowships or seek outside help, and in no way should a sponsor pitch themselves as a therapist, nor an expert in other matters. But yes each one of us has a right to pass on our E,S, and H, the message of our life and how we got sober etc.

Some people’s story includes those with a hurt inner child, that we neglected through our drinking and now we are finally hearing that voice and understanding why we acted the way we did, but also how this child can still live in fear. But the biggest message whatever we do to make sure we don’t feel threatened anymore, create boundaries, and not seek to run to the bottle as the easiest way out to stop the pain. That is an experience that many fellow alcoholics with similar upbringings, want to hear, listen out and you will hear fellow suffers who have climbed over some of the strongest, darkest hurdles in their life and will give hope to others as they share in doing so.

Try some compassion, which we all have inside us, just turn more to the sunlight of the spirit and then maybe, you can understand that these people have an equal right to be here as well, to be heard and to be given a space within AA to feel safe and unjudged.