Resentments
 

I just would like to introduce myself to this forum and I have a few questions. This is my first real attempt at getting sober for myself. I have almost two months. I have been mostly reading and not posting on SR for two years.

I say it is my first attempt because actually the times I quit before I just wanted to do it myself and not follow any of the steps of AA. This time I am trying to learn as much as I can and actually follow the steps.

Anyways I am working the 4th step and I was told to list my resentments. My question is that I feel like I am writing stuff just to have a resentment list. My sponser told me that I should list resentments that I had in the past but if I have gotten past those resentments and I don't feel any resentment towards that person why should I put that down. I feel that my 4th step work should be more about my defaults of character which drive my actions.

The people I have hurt the most are my family and I have apologized to them. The main way I can make amends to them is to truly follow the program of AA and show by actions and not words.

As you can see I also need to work on the part of God's will. I tend to overanalyze everything. I read all the information on the thread about AA and the third tradition and learned alot. I apologize if I'm rambling. One thing that has bothered me is in when people say they pray to God about a sober day and that the end of the day they thank him for another sober day. To me if you are doing God's will you don't have to pray about your sobriety.

Anyways I have to get the kids ready for school and would appreciate anyone's response

Other terms I've found useful in writing inventory are, who am I uncomfortable around, feel better than, less than, who would I rather not bump into, what irks me in life, what do I disagree with, what do I put down or criticize.

Those are all resentments by another name.

Sobriety is about having a personal spiritual relationship with my Higher Power. God doesn't need me to pray to Him. I need to pray to Him to remind myself that it's only by His grace that I'm sober. Praying is a way to keep my ego in check so that I don't forget I'm not my higher power. The "personal" part of the spiritual relationship comes from the realization that God did for me what I nor anyone else could do for me. I'm sober today only by His grace and because He loved me enough to give me this gift.

I can relate to that feeling of "creating resentments for the sake of having something to put down".

There were times when I went into the 4th step with some expectation of what was going to be on the other end - what my inventory would look like. I got drunk each time I approached a fourth step with that mind set.

Specifically, here is how my last 'first' fourth step went:

I wrote a prayer asking that I be show what I need to see at the top of a piece of paper.
I wrote down ANY name that came to mind (or principle/institution). At some point names starting coming to mind that I hadn't thought of in years - or people who I had very brief encounters with. So, I had a list of names, institutions and principles.

Next - I wrote each name on the left hand side of a new piece of paper, and wrote the same prayer on the top of the page. Then I wrote down all the bad things they had done to me, or things they did that bothered me, I didn't agree with etc.

This could be as simple as "Phil - Sucks up to the boss and work. Flaunts his achievements. Doesn't say "god bless" when I sneeze.

Of course, there are also those things people did that really hurt me. "She cheated on me" - Regardless, I write them all down.

That is my resentment list - and with a mind set that I will be shown everything I need to be shown if I just give it the proper attention, it can't be argued with.

Resentments, at the phase you are currently working - isn't about what harm you have done to other people. It's about all the bad things that have happened to you. Be very selfish here, don't hold back..even minor irritations from years ago should be written down. It's a process and I think you will be amazed by the time you get to the part where you were "wrong" or caused harm to another.

[from French ressentir, from re- + sentir to feel, from Latin sentīre to perceive; see sense]

re = to do again (as in to repaint or reread)
sentir = to feel

......so resentments are things we re-feel.

It doesn't necessarily have to be people we're "angry" at. They're just the things that go through our head....more than once.

I really like Keith's list....I added these "possibilities" to the current 4th step I'm working on: people or things I'm jealous of, vengeful toward, was let down by, don't like, don't trust, beliefs that I hold onto, schools/trains of thought. People I'm tense around, discouraged with, feel betrayed by or feel smugly superior to.

Some of the silly things that have made my 1st columns over time would include: black people, Indian people, ppl at work who I don't like/respect, and half-measure AA people that don't work the steps.

Also.....we're listing people, institutions or principles - and in the principles are where I got "belief systems" and "trains of thought" from above. Some of those from my past and current inventory would include: winners never quit, God helps those who help themselves, God never gives you more than you can handle, God could and WOULD, you get what you deserve, and AA is a WE program.

Resentments should include feelings or beliefs that I continue to re-feel or live my life by.

......and yeah, list that old stuff out too. There's usually some gold in there that you wouldn't notice if you didn't write about it.

Oh my. We start with your interpretation of what the program should be and then you jump to the ninth step;

and begin setting terms on how you will work that one. Usually about this time I simply ask the sponsee for a list of things they are willing to do and see if I can work around that.

Luckily I don't need to do that here because you are one step ahead of me here;

You got it. The third step is also about being willing to do the work ahead of you. (the last 9 steps) Bring the third step into your fourth and you'll be ok.

I would suggest reading the chapters How It Works, Into Action, and The Family Afterward.

Sometimes, when I am thinking too much...re-reading, just reading the big book helps me to see things that may help me.

I know too, that I have "my way" of thinking I can do these directions in the book.

I just have to let go of what I think is the best way...

Rarely have we seen a person fail that has followed our path...

Not my path, pick a path... (borrowed from an AA speaker)

What you pray about to God is your business. If you don't feel you have to pray about your sobriety, then that is between you and God.

You know how they say, take what you like and leave the rest?

Well this AA speaker I know says take what you like and save the rest for a later date...to use!

We may find that something we were closed too, will be something we are open to later on.

I think it is important to stay in the action of the steps.

We make a list of who we are mad at, what did they do to us...

No need to manufacture names...if they come to you, you write them down.

Move through this first column when finished, into second, into third and fourth...don't get stuck here!

I am stuck in the middle of a 4th step myself.

I am learning that it is "I" who has myself stuck...

I think I can create anything to stall myself...

Time to get moving...

:)

Best wishes to you, and try not to overthink this! From one overthinker to another!

Kody
after my 3rd step with my sponsor,he read a few things from the big book to me
i got my pencil and paper out
he left the room for 15 minutes
I prayed a prayer for God to show me the truth and help me do this work the way He wanted it done
Before my sponsor left,he told me to do that and write any name that came to my mind before it disappeared.I looked for anger,not just resentment

anger

I looked at all the people,institutions,and principles that I had been angry with in the past or was angry with today.
I listed them as fast as i could
The time for analyzing would come later promised my sponsor,don`t think,just write because we can think our way out of writing down a name or 2 or 200

we need to also see what a big part our anger has played in our lifes and how it has blocked us off from others,Including our HP
in 15 minutes he returned
i had either 1 1/2 pages or 2 pages of names
I ended up with over 500 names on my list
one of the reasons for this is to trust and rely on God to show us what He wants us to see,and we just need to follow simple directions and write out that grudge list

Thank you everyone for your replies. My list ended up being alot longer than I thought. I just sat down and wrote and the more I wrote the more people came to mind. I actually have liked working this step it makes me think of the real reason why I hold a resentment or why I had one and quite frankly it has a lot to do with me.

Kody...

Ya know that age-old question "What's wrong with me...????"

That's the one you get some definite answers to by working step 4. Some of what you find may make you feel silly, or immature, or look at yourself like, "Really.....really?...that's ME?" but that's ok.... it's a fact-finding mission to determine what it is that makes you tick....that gets you thinking the way you think.

....and if you feel silly......or guilty.....or alone because of the "bad" stuff you come up with.....that's OK. That's how I've felt EVERY time I've done inventory - including the one I'm working on now.

The directions for doing the Fourth Step are very clear in the AA Big Book. Any other way of doing them, I've come to understand, is just something else, and I will likely have a harder time trying to get the same results.

It says, "We made a list of people, institutions and principles with whom we were angry." It does not say to list why, how we were harmed, or what our role was in it. Yet.

I was told to segment my life into columns: 0-5, grammar school, high school, college, 20s, 30s, etc.

I then spent the better part of a week filling those columns as instructed. Because it said "were angry," that meant it didn't matter if I was over the resentment. I put it down. The idea was not necessarily to fix just my current angers, but to understand how I operated throughout my whole life-- to see the patterns of alcoholic thinking that have plagued me.

And, as some have said here, I needed to understand that "anger" might mean discomfort for me. I was not an angry person, by nature, but when I considered people who made me internally uncomfortable, the list exploded.

I wrote the list, went through it with my sponsor, and then transcribed it into a notebook in the first column. I only wrote top to bottom, never across.

The second column (the nature of the anger) and third column (what was effected) followed. Only top to bottom.

Since the Big Book makes no mention of a Fourth Column, we did a separate page on each resentment called my "turn-arounds." This is where I put my finger on how I was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened in each case.

I did all this because my sponsor told me I could be doing the last fourth step I would ever do. That I did not need to keep doing it over and over again, that I had steps 10-12 to live my daily life.

It is never a bad idea to examine past resentments to see "Where was I at fault?" Even if those resentments are no longer "active character defects" they are never the less errors in thinking that need to be examined.

I myself, no longer have many resentments because I came to realize that those I saw as fools were really me projecting my own defects onto others like a projection screen.

"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
- Mark Twain

When i do inventory i write a prayer at the top of the page:

"God please help me put on paper the things which block me from you"

I work with that prayer until i am done. Im done when I start using my head to add names-- this is a spiritual exercise...the pen is a spiritual translator...i should not be using my mind (where the problem is) to make this list...using the thinking mind will add things that dont need to be there, and omit ones that should....because of my ego will kill me.

The most important part of the 4th step is the last column or "our mistakes"...that's really what we are doing this for-- to see where we fall short.

I believe the instructions in the book are very clear cut, as Frothy Jay said...there are a few 4th step prayers we are given to work with, and i think we are done when we are done....

Very simple process....dont complicate it