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Letting a sponsor go?

Old 10-31-2010, 11:05 AM
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Letting a sponsor go?

So my sponsor is a great man and has done a great deal to help me through my recovery but he has what seems like a million other sponsees and we haven't really been able to do our weekly meetings to work the steps and work the big book because he either gets side tracked or forgets all together.. We go to meetings together almost every night but with my schedule and his it is hard to just hang out before or after to work the book and the steps.

Has anyone had a situation like this or does anyone have any advice on how to go about dealing with it?

Last edited by GreenAces; 10-31-2010 at 11:06 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:45 AM
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Just a thought, since you and your sponsor seem to be able to make the meetings, why not skip part of the meeting to work on your steps or whatever, that's what my sponsor and I did once??

I know people feel that meeting makers make it, but it's not like your skipping part of the meeting to go run errands or something......
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:50 AM
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I think that sponsors shouldn't take on more sponsees than they can give adequate time to. Too many sponsees, and in my opinion is a disservice to all involved.

If it were me, I would sit down and voice my concerns to him before you make any decisions.

Let him know that your weekly sessions to do step work and Big Book work were/still are important to you. (I'm gathering from your post that he used to do that with you.)

If he won't, or is unable to give you the time and guidance that you need, I'd highly suggest you find another sponsor ASAP.

Don't let your recovery suffer because your current sponsor is unable to come through for you, okay?
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:54 AM
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My sponsor and I have met a couple of hours before the meeting. She has the key to the church, so we went in and did our work before others got there.

DeVon has good suggestions, though. It's very hard for some sponsors to say "No" even when they probably should, when new people ask them to be a sponsor.
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Old 10-31-2010, 02:42 PM
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Great topic! Thank you!

I have had the same experience and then some. I fired my sponsor last summer because I was in North Carolina and she had no time for me when I called, all alone in a strange place. Subsequently, I explained this to her. She made time for me. We began working the steps intensively. This summer, she went to bury a sponsee and stayed away for three months. We talked frequently, however. Upon her return, she wanted me to continue sponsoring her sponsee. I was "filling in" for her and doing her a favor according to her. She was trying to manipulate me into being someone's sponsor who never asked me. In addition, my Monday time slot was all but forgotton by her and so were her workshops during her absence. She has AT LEAST 30 sponsees.

Her sponsor is a man, he was sponsored by Barney, who was sponsored by Clancy, who was sponsored by Dr. Bob. It's a great sponsorship, However, She sponsors men too and what feels like every newcomer that comes around!

Am very disappointed to tell you I moved on. I have a different sponsor now who has just me. She is very knowledgeable in the steps. It's still very hard to leave my sponsor because we were so close.

Wow, I could go on and on.

She helped me so much. She and I moved mountains together. And you know what, I'm so glad I moved on. It was time. I cannot live in 1,2 and 3 and 10, 11 and 12 anymore! I have surrendered to doing the steps in order! In addition, I am now open to the idea of therapy, Al Anon, ACOA (which I found on this site!!) and have sought treatment for my mental health.

It did not end well.

In any event, I suggest you be honest. Pray for the words and they will come. He may rise to the occassion.

Move on only when you feel strong enough to do so and get a good network going.

Thanks for allowing me to share my ES&H!

Best,
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:15 PM
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I dunno...... Ebby Thatcher was Bill's sponsor and Ebby kept going back out DRINKING. On the other hand, Bill had a huge support group of preachers, priests, therapists, psychiatrists, and fellow AA members.

I think, sometimes, we put too much emphasis on our sponsor and expect, hope that they'll be all things to each of us.

I'm not so sure about letting a good sponsor go just because I need work that they're not able to do. Do some net searching for Steel on Steel. Mark Houston out of Texas started it in AA for just this reason......because he felt it was selfish to continue to expect his sponsor to sacrifice time with newcomers to spend it with him going over stuff he "knew better" than to be doing anyway.

I've gone to some of the folks I really respect in the groups I frequent and given some of them "spiritual license" (also a concept I got from Mark H...... check his talks out on XA) so they can feel free to call me on ANY of my BS anytime they see it......and I don't get to argue back. They know I have a sponsor.....but they know I want more help.......so they're like assistant-sponsors.

Just another something to think about and maybe try.

That said......sometimes it's just time to go. And if that's what time it is.....well.....your sobriety has to come before a great friendship with a sponsor. That sux but getting loaded or backsliding in your sobriety sucks worse.
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:52 PM
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Thanks everyone for the great replies.. Yeah I haven't ever really voiced out that I do want to continue working the big book weekly and that it is important to me.. And I also really don't want to let him go because he is a great sponsor and really has gone out of his way to help me.. But i do realize that it is partly my fault that we havent been able to make the weekly step/bb personal meetings. I'll let him know tomorrow that I want to start and I'm pretty sure he'll say "lets do it now" lol

Thanks again.
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:09 AM
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Your thread reminded me of something that happened when I was sober about 3 months. My sponsor and I were really tight. Made meetings together, talked on the phone every day and since his wife was my wife's sponsor, we spent a lot of time together(the four of us)talking about just stuff that happens in our marriages etc. I called him one day and wanted to get together and he told me he couldn't 'cause he had a date with his daughter. I was crushed!! I got really angry and hurt and he knew it. We talked about it and he told me he loved me but that he needed to take care of his family time. I learned that even sponsors have their own life to live and sometimes it doesn't involve me. I think you're on the right track here. Talk to him and let him know your feelings and desires. It'll work out, but don't go with that "kneejerk" reaction until you've made the effort to talk things out. It's not fair to him.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:08 AM
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I went through something similar just a few weeks ago. My sponsor was showing up late, we were taking two weeks or more to get through a few pages in the BB or do my step work questions- it was so frustrating.

I felt that I had to change sponsors. I felt confused, hurt and scared. I didn't want to have 'the talk' or have to find a new sponsor. I think terrified would be the best word!

So I did a little fourth step on it, talked to some AA people with good sobriety (not just long sobriety but good sobriety) and prayed.

I realized I had stopped calling every day, cut back on my meetings, didn't pray as often as I should have and had started to try to manage my own life again.

I was also running my life on feelings- now I'm five months sober so my feelings are all over the place. I'm up then down, confused then straight- it's a roller coaster for me. So, if I go by my emotions right now they're going to lead me nowhere but in a giant circle. My emotions can be affected by the tiniest things- did I sleep well last night? how long has it been since I ate? So for me, emotions aren't the best gauge to judge a situation.

So I realized what I was doing to hamper myself and that's the important bit. I can't control what my sponsor does, doesn't do, or what they give me. I can control, with my HP's guidance, what I do. So I asked her 'How do you think this sponsor/sponsee relationship is going?' It opened the floodgates and we had a great talk and now it's fine.

I also realized I was putting too much on my sponsor- almost making them my higher power. I was also using what my sponsor was doing/not doing as a distraction from my program. I would focus on her and not HP, her and not my disease, her and not my prayers.

I was just trying to take and take from our sponsor/ee relationship. My sponsor is still an alcoholic and my recovery depends on me being of service to others; so why wasn't I looking to see what I could do to help my sponsor? I still don't know the answer to that one I do know now that by calling every day I don't give her fear that I might have started drinking again. I know that by being honest about what I think I need we can talk about it like healthy adults and find a solution- whatever that solution may be. I realize now that I exist to help her too- whether by letting her know that she's helping me or by asking one of my million little 'silly' questions that remind her what early recovery looks like and how she doesn't want to go back there!

The closer I get to recovery- the more my disease kicks and finds new ways to try and kill me. I had to realize that my disease is truly cunning, baffling and powerful. It makes me think that there are still things in this world I have control over and it's my 'JOB' to fix. For me, I've found that I just need to be willing to do the next right thing in the situation- whether that's praying, being kind or asking the question 'how do YOU feel about this?'.
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Old 11-01-2010, 12:50 PM
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I recently had to let my sponsor go which was very sad for me. She was the first person who walked up to me in my AA meeting. She has been a wonderful sponsor.

The difficulty was we had a difference in opinion. I had sciatica which is mucho painful, a couple months ago. It happened on a Sunday, I live alone, and I wasn't able to walk more than to the bathroom. I have a prescription for Tylenol with Codeine in the house and was able to take one pill on Sunday and then after that switched to Advil. She felt that the only way I could take that pill was if I had gotten up and gone to a doctor to get it prescribed for the sciatica itself.

I do understand where she is coming from in terms of being careful about meds. However, when I suggested that in these extreme circumstance, the option could be that I call her and talk it over before taking the med, she replied that she would not feel comfortable taking that kind of responsibility, that only a doctor could say yes or no to taking any kind of pain med. I'm not talking about doing this on a regular basis, just in emergency.

I talked it over with many other folks in AA with long-term sobriety. Many thought the idea of checking in before taking a med like that was workable. Again, this would be only in extreme circumstances where I couldn't easily get access to medical care and was in extreme pain (you sciatica sufferers know what I'm talking about). I also talked to my drug and alcohol counselor about this as well.

I have no problem with my sponsor's stance on this, I just didn't feel comfortable with such a hard, hard line on this one issue. I told her that I had gotten into AA to get and stay sober not to be miserable. And frankly, getting up that Sunday morning and crawling in agony to my car to get to an urgent care center would have been misery. Especially if there was a compromise and help closer by.

So she and I have parted ways. I'm glad to say this was after we had talked about and I do respect her opinion, I just felt that approach was too hard line for me.

Luckily, I have a good network of long-time sober women I am looking at as possible sponsors and I don't look at my sponsor as my only resource.

I'm glad I handled this in a mature way and sad we have parted way. I'm learning there are lots of different approaches in AA and it's about what works best for you.
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:01 AM
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I had to let my sponsor go because i felt he was holding me back on the steps. It was a heart wrenching decision because he had helped me out such alot. Looking back however i feel as though he had become more of a therapist than a sponsor. A sponsor should be someone to help you through the steps, if you've tried to address the situation with him and it still doesn't happen then your sobriety (which means working the steps) is what is most important. If you feel you can work the steps better with another sponsor then have the courage to confront the issue with him.

After i let go of my old sponsor we had a really nice chat about how we still want to keep in touch. He helped me through so much, he is the one that can identify with ex wife and children stuff, whereas others (including my new sponsor) can't. We are now good friends, i still turn to him for advice but he's not my sponsor. I had some issues last week with my daughter and guess who the first person i phoned was...my old sponsor.

When i spoke to him about i felt i wanted a fresh start with someone new, his first response was that it was my sobriety and i get to choose how i work the steps. We now have a marvelous relationship and i'm glad i chose another sponsor.

Do what works for you, if you feel you need another sponsor there is nothing wrong with that.

Paul
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:13 AM
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I went through something similar in my early years of sobriety but on a different note. I started to outgrow my sponsor. He ended up firing me because I couldn't make a lunch date due to an emergency at work. I apologized that I missed the lunch date and explained why I had to miss. He was very angry that I missed this lunch date and literally fired me for this reason.

I felt bad because he did help me out alot in the early years. But I started to put two and two together and realized that maybe he's not working the same program that he taught me. Years later I ran into him at a meeting and he said he had returned to drinking after 9 years sobriety. By this time I already had 9 years sobriety and realized that yes, I did outgrow my former sponsor.
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Old 11-03-2010, 04:37 AM
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In reading some of these posts, it appears to me that sponsors were fired because they didn't do things fast enough, or soon enough to suit some of you. Having a sponsor is more than having someone take us through the steps. It's also about following instructions and learning patience. I see a lot of "I want what I want and I want it now" attitude. When I came to AA I knew what I wanted all right, it's just that what I wanted was digging a hole I couldn't get out of. Truthfully, I didn't have a clue what to do nor how to do it and the first thing I had to do was to learn discipline. Follow directions!!!
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Old 11-03-2010, 04:56 AM
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It occurs to me that just because you find a new sponsor doesn't mean he can't still help you if he's willing. I believe in sponsorship but I think sometimes too much emphasis gets placed on the title and not on the role. We just need people with experience to guide us through the steps and if he can only one thing but not Big Book study, then get Big Book study elsewhere. That violates nothing sacred that I know of in AA.
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Old 11-03-2010, 06:46 AM
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I have been asked to be a sponsor for guys who wanted sobriety, but didn't want to do the work--or they want to do it their own way for whatever reason. I say to them, "You try that if you think it'll help, and when you're ready to do The Steps, I'll be honored to help."
Sobriety is serious business and I'm not going to try to convince an alcoholic that he needs to get well. Alcohol is a great advocate, and if someone isn't willing to do the work--or wants to 'tailor' The Steps, then go for it. My experience is that my best thinking got me a seat in AA. I wish them well, but I have to do it the way it was done for me. There is not a shortage of suffering people who need help.

I ALSO suggest that the person do 90/90 and that usually weeds out the ones who want sobriety by the weekend. My sponsor wasn't there to be a pal or a companion, but to help me with The Steps, and if that meant me going to his house every Thursday afternoon at 4:00 when it was convenient for him, then BY GOD I was there--and called to verify I was on my way! I feel the same way.

I tell every sponsee they're the ones that have to do the work--I can't do it for them. It's a program of action, not assimilation. I needn't 'test' anyone, either. Alcohol does that by itself.

I can't tell the starter of this thread what his sponsor's motivations are, but you can get with anyone to read the Big Book, talk about ideas, show up early to meetings for fellowship, share drunk-a-logs with anyone, but sponsorship is about guidance through The Steps.
Have I said The Steps enough yet?
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Old 11-03-2010, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Music View Post
In reading some of these posts, it appears to me that sponsors were fired because they didn't do things fast enough, or soon enough to suit some of you. Having a sponsor is more than having someone take us through the steps. It's also about following instructions and learning patience. I see a lot of "I want what I want and I want it now" attitude. When I came to AA I knew what I wanted all right, it's just that what I wanted was digging a hole I couldn't get out of. Truthfully, I didn't have a clue what to do nor how to do it and the first thing I had to do was to learn discipline. Follow directions!!!
I know, for me, that's exactly what my motivations were. It was addict thinking- magical thinking whatever one wants to call it. I wanted recovery like a pill or a drug- work immediately and make me feel better dangit! Why wasn't AA/recovery working the way *I* wanted it to?

Once God showed me that I was trying to control AA and try to use it like a drug- that's when I stopped and tried to be still.

I know a lot of non-alcoholic people. They don't freak out when they have to wait in a doctor's waiting room. They don't get antsy when taking a class that will take them six months. I've sure never seen a non-alcoholic freak out because a medication took two weeks to make them feel better.

Now me? I want it all in one go! Two weeks is too long, I say! Gimmie gimmie gimmie is the mantra in my head that I'm trying to find a way to stop.

And that's how I know I'm sick- I'll do AA as long as the meetings are when I want them. As long as the meetings are where I want them. As long as my sponsor does everything I want and nothing I don't. As long as I'm better within a year. As long as.....

It's the opposite of what I did with alcohol. I'll stop if I can't afford it. I'll stop if I do X one more time. I'll stop when I get a DUI. I'll stop when I'm homeless. As long as...

I never let anything get between me and booze but I'll let everything come between me and sobriety.
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Old 11-03-2010, 06:38 PM
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I've let two sponsors go and been let go by one sponsor.

The two I let go: The first turned out to be nothing more than a coffee sponsor-we'd meet for coffee and really talk about anything except the solution... I was desperate, needed the solution I saw others living in but it became evident that he wasn't going to be taking me through the book and the program of recovery contained in it. I had to find someone that was willing to do that with me. I was nervous at first, felt like I was breaking up with him, but I had to do it. As a side note, he died drunk and homeless about three years later....

The second sponsor I had let me go when I failed to follow his directions, I hate the word fire in these instances because it denotes some kind of power dynamic in the relationship, a dynamic that is absent if the relationship is healthy. Anyways, he was busy and there were other people in the community that were willing and desperate who needed him as well and he asked me to find another sponsor with the understanding that if I was willing to do the work, then he would work with me.

The third sponsor I had for eight years. He was great, took me through the book and steps, let me into his life, his home, his relationships, to show me precisely how he had recovered and how this solution looks in his daily life.

When I moved away (to a new state) I found that I needed more, I hit a bottom in sobriety when I was basically sponsoring myself and found that I needed a new teacher so I could revisit the work and again have my life changed. My current sponsor was put into my life then and he has been amazing. Taking me back through the book, through the work, etc.

I definitely think it is possible for people to outgrow the sponsorship they have, there is nothing wrong with needing new insight etc.

Be wary of celebrity sponsorship though, I'm always leery of "sponsorship lines" that trace their lineage back to person x. Seems to make deities out of people.... Putting that much reliance upon the words of a human, in my experience, has been problematic. For me it was necessary to find a real drunk who had recovered from this thing and seemed to embody the spirituality that I wanted.
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:32 PM
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My first sponsor I picked because she had what I wanted. LOL...she was 'cool'. Ha...it never occured to me to ask her if she had done the steps herself. (she had not). After a year with her, wondering why I was still restless, irritable and dicontent, I took the advice from someone in the rooms and thanked her for her time and moved on.
Picked a sponsor who was willing and able to guide me through the steps.
A sponsor is not a therapist/marriage counsellor/banker/medical doctor/babysitter.
JMO...but a sponsor is someone who guides us through the steps and shares their experience strength and hope. And then urges us to get out there and repeat for somebody else what they have done with us.
"No human power could relieve our suffering...."
My sponsor was a guide through the steps and a nudge in the diection of reliance on a higher power. I love her dearly, respect her with my whole being, she is an angel with skin.
But she aint my higher power.:ghug3
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Old 11-04-2010, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by soberjulie View Post
a sponsor is not a therapist/marriage counselor/banker/medical doctor/babysitter.
Jmo...but a sponsor is someone who guides us through the steps and shares their experience strength and hope. And then urges us to get out there and repeat for somebody else what they have done with us.
~applause!!~
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Old 11-04-2010, 07:54 AM
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I think you have to do what you have to do for your sobriety. Protect it by all means, if that means getting someone that will help you faster, sooner, or be there or whatever it is then it's nobody's responsibility but the one that is miserable. Some people take on sponsee's casually. I had one that wanted to take on every newcomer and she never had time to give to any real step work she must have had 40-50 sponsees in addition to having two small boys and volunteering in their school and working. I don't begrudge her the job the kids, the family time or the school. I do however think it's irresponsible to take on sponsees and then not have time to even chat on the phone.
I don't see a sponsor as me having her at my disposal whenever and however I want but there has to be something that works, otherwise it's just a friend you met at AA.
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