I tried to make amends but got a lecture
 

I aplogised to an old friend for a hurtful thing I said when I finished our friendship. I got a ten minute lecture and one thing that was said was that I gave "that man" (my soon to be ex-husband) a one way ticket into Ireland She said that was why my mother gave up on me, because I married this man. She also told me she didn't think we would ever be bosom buddies again. One of the reasons I finished the friendship was because it was a poor quality one and I couldn't help reply that we were never bosom buddies. She also said she was at my mother's funeral but she never came to speak to me or my sons or brothers. I feel worse instead of better and was told also I better look after my boys. I'm sorry but this was a totally unwarranted comment and really I was biting my tongue when the lecture finished. I never drank unless there was someone around to care for my children.

Have any of you who have worked the amends step had a similar experience or can you tell me how to get over these new resentments. I have no sponsor so perhaps I should not have telephoned this person.

Annette

I have no doubt that I would've caused myself (and perhaps others) much unnecessary pain, anger and frustration if I'd decided to do the 8th and 9th steps without the guidance of a sponsor. My approach probably would've been to try to repair the relationship, rather than to simply offer the other person an opportunity to release their own resentments and/or hurt. I regard the amends step as one that offers freedom from bondage to both myself and those I've harmed. Others may choose to hold on to their bondage of anger and resentment....I have no control over that. But my willingness to come forward, admit my wrongs and offer amends (which can often be financial restitution), freed me from the burden of guilt, allowing me to see my errors without making them into sins that demand eternal punishment. IOW....my amends steps were a process of being willing to practice forgiveness, which is a lovely, loving thing IMO. It also was a generous offering to those I've harmed to participate in the healing properties of forgiveness.

I had to stay out of the results though. In truth...the response of others was none of my business. Others are not bound to change just because I have. They simply may not be moved by my "I'm sorry.".... and that has to be ok with me.

The amends steps are 8 and 9, not 2 and 3, for good reason. I was impatient to reclaim my life. I wanted to quickly make everything all right with those I'd harmed, but my sponsor slowed me down and insisted I do the steps in order. By the time I'd reached 8 and 9, my entire attitude and motivation had changed due to the preceding steps.

blessings
zenbear

There's no 'but' about it, you did your part don't get back on the merry-go-round, the but comes in is but, is your amends deep enough cause she obviously has been deeply hurt to unload like that.

I have similar issues in that I have hurt people, family members and a few friends, so slowly a chip at a time over years of drinking a simple apology for a small incident is in no way any kinda amends might be a start, but it will take a change in behavior and attitudes over time to really be on the road to making things right and small things being sober and with a good attitude will chip away at healing deeply injured relationships just as drinking waged daily war of attrition on them

I think they call it living amends time will fix things that words cant all at once

Don't give it another thought. I think I would've been gracious enough to stand there and let the person vent, but I wouldn't dwell on anything other than I did my job, cleaned my side of the street and thank God for that.

Damn well better of been.

This for me is where step 3 and step 9 colide...big time....

Look at your step 3 hon.....we don't "fix" things with our amend...we are not all wrong or all right....

contrary to popular opinion i believe I'm sorry means something....it is the reality...the idea that i can fix things is total BS....I cant...thats up to an HP...I do pretty much say I'm sorry...and i stand ready to correct anything i can...but it isn't about the other person's idea of what i can do to repair things....they are just as "sick"...."scewed" as I am....the readiness to repair is between me and god...the I'm sorry is one fellow human being to another.

I am sorry for many things where my wrong was not correctable...where sometimes it wasn't even a wrong at all...I am sorry...i offer to another my desire to heal....some accept and some don't....

I recently made a very dificult amend...I can't fix it...they were not without fault...I set thier fault aside and let them know that I was sorry....if something could mend our relationship great...but i can't change what i did..he can't change what he did...the whole judgement thing isn't what it's about.

Today I have a healed relationship with that man because we are both willing to acknowledge and go on....the pain is still there...we aren't "boosom buddies" but we accept the past and move on.

Rarely does that amend happen that way...just move on...the 3rd step issue is understanding that you cannot fix it...they cannot fix it....there isn't a resolution...trust your HP and go on with life hon (hug)

:hug:I
To deal with resentments....please read Freedom From Bondage
specifically page 552....follow directions.

That's worked well for me over the years....:yup:
.

like Music said,let it ride if you can,if not ,Carol posted a page with a good set of simple instructions in it that really does work because I have used them before.You did the best you could at the time,go on living and see how it turns out in the long run
who knows what may happen in a yr or so...they may call you up and make amends..

I was taught, with every direct amend I made, to ask the other person if there were other ways that I had harmed them that they needed to tell me about.

Sometimes, I had to listen for a very long time to how I'd harmed them that I hadn't even considered. Sometimes it wasn't very comfortable.

'Remember, it was decided at the beginning that we would to any lengths to overcome alcoholism.'

So, still doing things YOUR way? When I'm the director, I always end up resentful, regretful, feeling guilty, and eventually drunk.

I would say, "Let me know how it works out for you," but your post pretty much answers that question.

My suggestion is to look at steps 1,2,3 again. And for crying out loud, get a sponsor!

.

Its not about you.

I would strongly suggested a sponsor whom has experience of working all the steps direct from the book.
and there are some great pointers in the step guides at the top of this page.

i worked closely with my sponsor when making amends......it took much consideration and prayer......

i have had many doors slammed in my face......i was a whirlwind.....im surprised that some didnt..lol.

Ok, I need to get a sponsor. I will do that when I hear the right person. Just I have to say it was not all about me being wrong like ananda said. Thanks Carol for that info. And thanks for the responses.

Sorry to sound like I'm hopping on the bandwagon here Away but, if I had to make an educated guess, what I hear is a 1st step reservation - not an issue with your former friend or a problem with the 9th step.

As for the working of the 9th step, IF you haven't worked all of the previous 8 steps with someone helping you along the way, that conversation you had with her will likely continue to repeat.

Look up "amend" and look up "amends" on Merriam-Webster Online I think you'll see some striking differences in what an amend is and what you tried with your former friend.

Believe it or not, I don't like posting "what I think is happening" but only did so because you asked.

Mike

Hi DT,

I looked up amend as you suggested and that is what I did I think, I apologised to make the situation better. Prob what the previous posts meant by being all about me.

Stuck and muddled up about the program because of no sponsor I guess.

Anyone online wanna be a temp? Lol

Annette

Well, saying you're sorry is a start.....but that won't likely "fix" the problem - it won't change or modify it for the better. Yer simply saying "sorry it happened" but not doing anything proactive NOW or even offering to "make it right."

Think of it in terms of stealing money from someone. It's one thing to say "sorry I stole it" but it's an amend to pay them back.

understand.....that may mean going to some "extra" meetings and/or some "new" meetings. I found that sometimes the quality of my results was correlated to the amount of work I was willing to put into it. ;)

Annette,

Surely you've met some women in recovery who seem to be solid in their sobriety, who have worked the Steps themselves with a sponsor.

I know your therapist suggested waiting, but you don't have to marry the person. If it doesn't work out, you can change. I think it's important to get started, though. I felt better after doing the Step One reading and discussion with my sponsor. It finally feels like I'm moving forward instead of treading water.

Lexie,

I have difficulty getting to AA meetings because of childminding difficulties. Not an excuse, I'd go twice a day if I could. So my attendance is very hit and miss. I have not yet heard a woman share talk about the steps. I am trying to find work so that I can pay a sitter. I cannot leave the child alone with his father and my 18 year old cannot get his head around me getting any help from "a bunch of alcoholics". So refuses most of the time.

I use here a LOT. I read a lot of the stuff here and wish some of the folk around here were at the occasional meetings that I do get to.

I would suggest working with a sponsor. Making amends is an art form and having some guidance is good. It is best to sometimes 'let sleeping dogs lie', which is the second half of Step 9; except when to do so would injure them or others. Injuring others, includes yourself. If making an amend may results in greater troubles and complications, then I would proceed with caution, if you proceed at all. Again, it is an art form with no right or wrong answer. This is another reason to have the guidance of someone experience with the amends making process.

Another thing to remember, is that you have no control over how someone receives your apology. They could tell you to take your apology and shove it. Sometimes people are really hurt by our actions and we need to empathize with this and ultimately accept how they choose to receive an amends.

I take a different view than some others. Making amends is primarily about you. While it is good to try to make others feel better about your past regression, making amends is about lifting the weight and burden that you carry around with you from harming others. Unless someone is a sociopath, when you hurt others, you hurt yourself and this builds up guilt and remorse. Making amends is another process of relieving the guilt and remorse that we carry around from the actions during our drinking spree. Step 9 is about coming to terms with your past, but you do not want to do it at anyone's expense.

Some amends cannot be made directly, but you can make them indirectly. Again, this will require working with someone who is experienced and can give you the proper guidance.

Annette:

There are a few prerequisites to taking the steps. First, you have to decide you want what we have. Next, you have to be willing to go to any lengths to get it.

So, do you want what we have? Are you willing to go to any lengths to get it?

For me, willing to go to any lengths meant taking my child to meetings, not caring what family and friends thought about AA, and being willing to tell a whole room of people: "I drank on Saturday and I don't know what to do. Can someone in here help me?"

You may have called that person to make an apology, but you did not do step 9. I simply did not possess the humility or honesty to make an amends like the BB describes until I had completed 1-8. That's my experience.

This why we strongly recommend sponsorship!!!!!! Trying to make amends without it can have absolutely disasterous results.