Is my sponsor overstepping
 

We recently went on a retreat and had an amazing time and I found out a lot about myself. That I need to listen and all the knowledge of the program wont save me if I dont put some action in there to! well my sponsor's sponsor talked to her about the same thing and she is 3 years sober and i am 8months. My sponsor told me to go 2 weeks without speaking in a meeting. and after she talked to her sponsor who told her to go 30 days without talking she came back and told me since she had to do 30 days so did i. I have been praying a lot to see if i need a sponsor change. Any suggestions experience and home thanks! love you guys

If you don't like what your sponsor asks you to do, talk to her about it.

Hmm someone correct me if I am wrong, but is it not the sponsers job to guide and support you not be telling you what to do and when to speak and when not to? I find that very strange if I have understood correctly.

If I have understood correctly, then I would speak to your sponsers, sponser to see if your sponser is not confused, or even someone higher up the chain.

I would think the point of these meetings was to make you feel comfortable and contribute when you saw fit to. I certainly would not belong to any voluntary programme where someone imposed a forced silence on me for sure.

Hope other more experienced members can advise on this as it just does not seem right to me.

Many congratulations on your 8 months sober hun. xx

It sounds odd to me that she said "since she had to do 30 days so did i" ........ but there may be more to it.

Remember, suggestions from sponsors are just that, suggestions. My sponsor isn't the boss of me but it turns out most, if not all, the suggestions and advice she gave me were/are right.

Keep praying, be honest with her, be true to yourself and you'll figure it out.

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I told her I would do it because she suggested it. but i just have a bad feeling and i feel its time for a sponsor change seeing as my sponsor is going through a hard time. its just hard bc u form a bond and love for one another

I absolutely agree that you should talk to your sponsor about this...

My own experience with sharing or not sharing is.... I find that if I am planning a share, I am not, really, listening to someone else's share... and I might miss something I need to hear.... Sometimes when I do have a share in mind, I share it only with myself, and it means just as much...

I can understand that you form a bond hun, but to my mind first and foremost you need to concentrate on yourself. This may sound selfish but do not let her hard time become yours. You need a sponser that can help you not the other way around at the moment.

just 30 days?
piece of cake
My first sponsor told me I should take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth for a year.It did not hurt me a bit to sit still and listen.At least I wasn`t planning on giving a grand speech or something during the meeting and I heard what was said.
My present day step sponsor had me listen for over a year (about 15 months )and it was only recently he gave me the green light to share at his home group,which only permits people to share when their sponsors give them the ok,which is usually after they have completed the steps in the big book.
You know,we alcoholics really don`t like being told what to do,but sound advice won`t hurt us.Following your sponsors advice will not hurt you,it can only help you ,and if this upsets you,you have a lot of upsets to go thru yet.If we change sponsors every time we hear something from them we don`t like,pretty soon no one will sponsor us cause we will have run thru them all.

I like your quote at the bottom of your posts too,it says a lot

Here's another perspective for you. It's been through some of my toughest times in sobriety that my sponsees helped me the most because working with them took me out of self.

Sponsors are people too. They go through hard times, and they are human just like everyone else.

Periods of silence are very common in many spiritual disciplines. Be grateful you only have to remain silent during meetings! :)

Here where I live your not allowed to speak until you have 90 days sobriety. I didn't understand the reasoning for it. I thought I had something important to say and everybody deserved to hear it. Until I finally got up to speak after 90 days. All that important stuff I thought I had to say, I forgot. And what I did have to say just proved that I was still scared and needed a lot of help. I'm not sure till this day if I remember what I did say that first time. I know I had a lot of people come up to me after, telling me that it was good to hear me and to keep coming. So I did as suggested, and kept coming.

Things get better, keep coming.

Harry

There used to be a big and popular meeting in the city near me that fell apart due to rising crime in that area. It was famous for "no talking" for members with less than 1 year. It was also famous for "results". It's tough to argue against "results".

It brings to mind what Clarence Snyder used to say; "giving a sponcee options is not an act of kindness". Clarence went on to be the second most prolific sponsor in AA history. Again, it's tough to argue against results.

Sponsors have clay feet. They don't belong on a pedestal. If I was having a hard time and my sponsor dumped me, my hard time just got harder.

It's hard to hear when you're talking, or thinking about what you're going to say when you get a chance to talk. A newcomer has nothing to share except a drunk-a-log and we've all heard enough of that. Drunk-a-logs can be shared before and after the meeting. While in the meeting, stick to the topic.

I don't know if you've talked to your sponsor about your concerns or not but if I sponsored you and I found out you were on this sight gossiping, I'd solve the sponsor question for you. A sponsor/pigeon relationship is built on honesty like I said before. Got talk to your sponsor.

Early on my experience was that I didn't know the truth. When I know the truth only then can I speak about it. I had nothing of a solution to share and therefore was not equip to stay on focus with what the main purpose of an AA meeting was. If I had a situation, I could always share that with someone after the meeting. Prior to me being humbled into this position, I would walk into a meeting "needing to share"...what I really should have been doing is listening to how others got well because I was far from anything that resembled well.

My initial reaction was think your sponsor chain consisted of control freaks and you should rethink sponsorship. However Mark and BBD bring up a great point that did not initially occur to me.... That being the exercise (not speakng at meetings) could help you get out of your own head in a good way by being better able to listen and relate to other speakers. Either way you're in the driver's seat and honestly discussing this with your sponsor seems an excellent starting poimt IMHO.

Ashleighk0120.....:wave:
Welcome to our recovery community

I did talk to my sponsor about it she just doesnt listen she is so busy with life that she doesnt have time

Also I appreciate your suggestions and I have been doing a lot of praying. I am following her suggestion. The only thing that confused me was why she was making me because she was upset her sponser was making her. The problem lies more that just that its time for a change for my spiritual growth and its just really hard to deal with because you grow to love the women in this program and im afraid of hurting a relationship.:c020:

If in fact you did talk to your sponsor, and if in fact she just really doesn't have time, maybe it is time for a change. I've learned that sometimes people say "yes" out of a sense of duty, or they think as some folks do that "you just don't say 'no' in AA." NEWS FLASH!!!! If I say "yes" when I really meant to say "no" one of two things will happen. Either I do a crappy job at what I said yes to or the job doesn't get done at all. So, I say "yes" when I mean yes and "no" when I mean no. I have to say, I dumped my very, very first sponsor because he had some really bad relationship problems and being as I only had a week or two in AA, I needed some guidance. I don't really count him as my sponsor 'cause he didn't last long. Sometimes I have to put my needs first. If I go back out, I'm the one that's going to suffer what comes next, not the sponsor or anyone else. I know and I believe AA is a "WE" program but there are times when it has to be a "me" program.

It seems a shame that your sponsor would deny your AA group the privilege of listening to your experience strength and hope. Some of the most incredible shares I've heard have been from newcomers and from people who are just beginning to learn about and practice the 12 steps. They bring a new perspective to it, and I enjoy learning from them. Quite recently I learned a new perspective on step 2 from a man who is only two months sober. One of my sponsees gave me a deeper understanding of step 1 through her experiece strength and hope. Those who have entered AA behind me have much to offer me and it would be my loss and the group's loss if they could not share.

Personally I like to share near the end of a meeting, even if it's only to say my name and the nature of my disease. By that time I have had the opportunity to listen to all the speakers and learn from them before I open my own mouth.