keithj

More often than not, I've found this to be true. Out of some false humility, or just plain cowardice, I think we can be too fuzzy in our directions.

That said, any suggestions given are always in the form of, "this is what I do." Early in sobriety, first time through the Steps, that dude needs some clear, precise direction. Here is how it's done kind of thing.

After that, assuming the person has some power in their life, it becomes more of a consideration out of love. Ask the hard questions, and let them come to their own answers between them and God.

What Step are you on, Ashleigh? I don't recall not talking being a direction out of the BB, but it's never harmed me. I can't share anything until I've learned how to truly listen. Listening is a spiritual truth.

tomvlll

We suggest in our meetings that people not share for 90 days.

One member, who thought that rule was stupid, and who thought he knew everything, shared anyway.

I only wish I had taped those shares. The title of the tape would be" why they suggest you don't share for 90 days".

Any guess who that member was ?

yeahgr8

This is the role of the sponsor as i have been taught...to guide the sponsee through the steps in order (the BB way) that they may have a spiritual awakening and then get on living their new free life...

Sure a sponsor can suggest that you may have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason and it makes complete sense that if someone is not taking any action or serious about recovering from alcoholism that they might want to concentrate on listening rather than speaking in meetings for a time...

Why someone who had really worked the steps and coninuing to do so would be advised to stay quiet in meetings for 30 days by their sponsor is beyond me? They know why of course and you would be smart to find out and chat to your sponsor about all this asap and then get on with the work:-)

Mark75

not you Tom, say it isn't so .... LOL

Well, I for one am glad that there is no tape of my first shares, OMG....

Wolfchild

i found that following my sponsor's direction helped me to learn the principles of acceptance & surrender. Putting aside what i thought about it, or felt about it, was the beginning of living a life of "Principles before personalities".

shaun00

I know if i was 8 months sober and someone ask me to "keep it zipped" ....i would have struggled with it......for one meeting let alone more...

My then sponsor didnt "suggest" that i dont share..........what he did say was ..

"if you aint got anything helpful to share......why are you opening your gob.??.."

maybe ask your sponsor this........."what is the benefits to others and myself if i dont share my esh".......keith mentioned the benifits,. i enjoy also.
I wonder what your sponsors answer will be??........

RobbyRobot

I think there are effective times for sharing and as well likewise times for silence. When those times are prudent in a spiritual life is between whomever and God no less. Sponsors can offer guidence and insight into discovering those proper choices.

We all have what we have when we first start out on our sober journey and we work with what we have. Our own experiences need to be reviewed with rigorous honesty to know the way forward for ourselves. There simply is no sure way to understand that always sharing or always silent at specific times absolutely guarantees the wanted results. Today is all we have and each day has enough without making plans for sobriety into tomorrow. Doing whatever for whatever amount of days is useless and worse than nothing if the spirit is unwilling.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can change, And wisdom to know the difference." -- The Serenity Prayer

RR

GettingStronger2

I'm sort of curious how this thread turned into a silence v. sharing and when to do either? I don't think that is really the point of the original post. That was what sparked the question of changing sponsors, but not, in my opinion, the intent of the question.

As a newcomer who is considering changing sponsors, I would love to hear more advice and comments about how to know if you should change or not.

RobbyRobot

If your sobriety is moving forward then keep on doin what your doing and make efforts with your sponsor to do even better if you are willing. If your recovery is stalled or falling back make efforts with your sponsor to get it going forward again. If that fails, have a real honest talk with your sponsor about other options: including changing out sponsors being on the table.

The thing is make sure you yourself are not the sole reason your program is stalling or whatever. When we blame (not saying here you are blaming) our sponsors for not having the needed support for our way forward we ultimately shoot ourselves down in the aftermath. Sponsors are not inhuman. Most sponsors are more helpful than not, imo. There are times though when things simply have to change. So be it. Work it out with your present sponsor if you want to change sponsors. All good sponsors will understand your needs. If they don't understand, that speaks for itself, imo.

Best Wishes!

RR

sampar

As far as i'm aware the main job of a sponsor is to pass down there experience, strenght, & hope? How will a new comer to a meeting learn to identify if ppl decide to stop sharing for a month.......................................its all about passing the message.

DayTrader

Ashleigh asked if she SHOULD change sponsors because her sponsor gagged her for 2 weeks....then changed it to a month, presumably after Ashleigh's sponsor was gagged herself for 30 days.

So, in answering that question, the answer is: impossible to say.
Is your sponsor recovered or not? Is she happy? Have they had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps? Are they a "good AA member" in your opinion? - in other AA's opinions? Do they sponsor other people? Do they have what you want? Are they helping you to get it? Do you respect them?

--newcomers don't usually pick out good sponsors. They usually pick someone from the tables they like and who seems nice. A sponsor is like a coach....and most of the best coaches are gruff, pushy, insist on a lot of stuff, etc. If you've got a good coach with a winning record for a sponsor, you'd be nuts to change. Chances are if they're telling you to zip it for a month (or their sponsor is telling them to tell you to zip it for a month) - you probably need to zip it for a month.


Because the purpose of meetings is to NOT be a group-sharing / hand-holding / complaint explaining "process group." We learn "new things" by learning them.......not by telling things we know at a meeting.

Besides, I've never had a spiritual experience from anything I'VE EVER SAID but I've had plenty from things I've heard. And since the goal here is to find God, if I'm not real sure how to do that, I shouldn't be telling anyone at a meeting anything. There's no place in AA for me to share my experience with things I have no experience with.

DayTrader

One of the women I know from my homegroup (and I would put he in my "top 5 favorite aa ppl" group) has 19 yrs and more spirituality that I could dream of. To me, she works a helluva program.

Last year she had a 3 month gag. She didn't look to replace her sponsor. She'll tell ya she got more out of the meetings during those 3 months than she did the other 9 months of the year.



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Boleo

Don Coyhis has some real good open-talks about how his sponsor would not let him talk for the first year. They are both insightful and funny:

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

don-c-rrounduplaughlin128.mp3
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don-c-rrounduplaughlin32.mp3
don-c-saturdaynitelive200332.mp3
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don-c-15thannsiouxempirerdp200432.mp3
don-c-15thannsiouxempirerdp200496.mp3
don-c-fots199832.mp3
don-c-fots199896.mp3
don-c-4ssnsalbuquerque1994cd132.mp3
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don-c-4ssnsalbuquerque1994cd296.mp3
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don-c-4ssnsalbuquerque1994cd396.mp3
don-c-4ssnsalbuquerque1994cd432.mp3
don-c-4ssnsalbuquerque1994cd496.mp3