justsomeguy

Hey all, I'm fairly new to AA.

I have a sponsor who I like and respect a lot. (several months with him)

Recently an issue has come up that has me re-thinking what is best for me.

My sponsor has reccomended an individual to handle a heavy financial issue for me. He told me he has known this person for many years and that I can trust them.

As it turns out this person has been recently fined by the governing body of his type of business for unethical and incompitant behavior and the person was working under a different name to try and hide it.

My sponsor said from the begining that hiring this person was a business decision and If I had any bad feelings I should cut him loose and it would not effect our sponsor/sponsee relationship.

If it were just my questioning his ability or a personality clash it would be one thing, but in this case, his background was obviously withheld from me.

Bottom line I've lost alot of trust with my sponsor over this and weather it is valid or I'm overreacting it's there and that will cause me to question, and to hold back, which will not be good for me.

So... should I consider getting a new sponsor.

By the way, my gut is telling me screw the whole thing go back to quitting drinking on your own and not trusting anyone, that's where I'm comfortable, but I know it will kill me.

BP44

There will be plenty of people willing to come onto this forum and tell you " Get a new sponsor" or " You better stick with this sponsor or you will die" I think both sets of ADVICE are some of the most arrogant posts I see here on SR. Here's what I would suggest and ask you to consider. The moment I enter into a sponsor/ sponsee relationship regardless of whether I'm the sponsor or the sponsee, I have begun a spiritual relationship and a spiritual path. The only way the relationship is going to have any value is if there is honesty. So, my suggestion, is to sit down with your sponsor and discuss your concerns with them. Then all the cards are on the table. If you're like me, this will be doing something different. I spent my whole life either barging over people or running away from them. My relationship with my sponsor has been one in which we have been on equal footing from the very beginning. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that I can't bring to him for discussion. It all starts with this kind of open dialogue.

DayTrader

I'm with BP. Even the most spiritual, wonderful, kind, loving, best teaching sponsors in the world will get duped now and again. That he was (possibly) duped doesn't make him a bad guide through the steps nor does it disqualify him from being a good sponsor. If he KNOWINGLY recommended someone to you who has been trying to rob you, that's another story.

I'm a stockbroker..... guys like me get fined alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time. Our firms, rather than spend lots of $ on legal battles, are usually happy to write a check to end the matter. If that happens, the broker shows up with a blemish and there's NO way the broker can fight it, stop it, or get it removed from his/her record. The whole case could be tooooooootally made up but if the firm can avoid attorneys, it might be cheaper to write a $1000 check (for example). They'll NEVER miss a grand.......but the broker will show a judgment entered against him on his permanent records forever! A lot of these cases can take years to settle (most firms try to drag them out in the hope the upset person walks away empty handed).

So....again.....like BP said. Discuss the blemish with the person involved. Call their boss and ask him/her if you want. Discuss the matter with your sponsor. Then, once you have SOME information, you have a shot at making some sort of educated decision. Right now, all you have is a tiny part of the story.


--- Amazing how completely STUPID your false ego is, isn't it? There it is, telling you, "Let's go back to doing what we both know hasn't worked in the past, so you can get MORE irritated, so then we can go back to drinking like I want." I'm almost shocked it didn't tell you that since booze hasn't worked in the past, maybe we (you and your ego) should try drug x, or y........ yanno........since you never had any problems with thooooooose drugs. LOL

SHUT UP FALSE EGO!

Mark75

Maybe this finance guy can be trusted, maybe not... Maybe your sponsor knew about this, maybe not.

I thought sponsorship was about AA and the 12 steps. Not finances. Keep it simple. Now.. if your sponsor has not been helpful in regards to your recovery in AA, well maybe look at that...

CarolD

I agree with Mark....
And....
sponsors are not infalable on anything.
They are simply mentors for Step work.

Boleo

You already have the answer.

justsomeguy

Hey guys,

I'll figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow when I call my sponsor and talk with him.

The thing is I think Mark is right, I should NEVER have asked for a reccomendation from my sponsor. I should have just stuck to A.A. and delt with the other stuff on my own.

But I did ask. The problem is the reccomendation was for a friend of his that he had to know was unqualified. I voiced my concerns after hiring him for a week and my sponsor tried to explain away my concerns. Now I come to find out that my evaluation was probably correct that he is not qualified, has been reprimanded previously by the state, and if my sponsor has known him for as long as he said he obvioulsy knows he's working under a new name now.

I'm only a couple months into sobriety and still on step 1, "my life has become unmanigable" and some other newcomer basics "that my best thinking got me here" "that most anyone elses ideas about what I should do are better than my own" I guess I wasn't giving my gut instincts enough credit.

I don't expect my sponsor to choose my well being over his friend's, but he could have kept the issues seperate. Now I'm just concerned that I will have trust issues with him.

The only reason I'm so perplexed is because he is my sponsor, if he was just a friend, I would be royally pissed off and not talk to the guy for a long time, if ever.

geekorunique

Your sponsor is there for your twelve steps and to "guide" you in other areas where he cannot help. I would say that an honest discussion with him is needed.

Or...you move on if you really think that it is best for you.

It's YOUR program and you have to do what is best for you. Maybe if you do a step ten on it?

CarolD

geekorunique....
welcome back to SR!

Cathy31

I agree with what everyone has said - I don't think anyone has yet said 'fire his ass'!

If you really wanted to show willingness to go to whatever lengths, you'd own YOUR part and stop judging him (I am sure you know people get fired wrongly maybe your sponsor knew this guy was qualified but had been treated unfairly, maybe not)

Suffice to say the only one to suffer here would be you. Your sponsor has what you want, I say stick with them. Being sponsorless, on step 1 is NOT a nice place to be.

Cathy31
x

JeremiahS

Thanks. To butt in, I am recognizing how I -always- hit a real reason to quit this job, fire that sponsor, cut off this family member, etc. etc. and so much trouble, burned bridges and instability. Realized these things taking spot check inventory ready to walk off a week old job framing houses I already told everybody I loved and was exited about. The spot check pointed out I never had a job longer than 6 months without hitting a damn good reason to leave even if I had went back to some.

I saw right then spirituality for me wasn't getting a job, it was keeping it, not making money but handling it well, not making amends once off, but maintaining relationships, the list goes on.



I needed to read that, work around a buncha potheads, great guys, hardworking, but the idea has struck me a joint wouldn't be the end of the world. Been struggling with the thought occasionally even after dismissing it.

DayTrader

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a sponsor for advice outside of AA stuff. That said, your relationship with him is still new so......until you get to know him better.....it's probably best to stick with just AA stuff for now.

I had a hard time with "my best thinking got me here" and "anyone else's ideas have to be better than mine" too because they sure seemed to be correct. What I thought I heard was "everyone else has better ideas than mine" - which isn't true. It's tough to draw the line on when you're using your good ideas and when you're listening to your addiction. I still have troubles discerning which voices I'm hearing (especially in business matters or things relating to money). Best I can recommend it really slowing down (if the situation allows it), seeking multiple ppl for advice, and prayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying like a friggin' monk for some guidance from my Higher Power.

People mislead us.....God doesn't...ever. The trick is to figure out a way to "hear" what God's saying. The only way I've learned to do that is to practice listening to God, talking to him a lot, and trying to become "buddies."

Hope that helps.

shaun00

Its not in my job description to recommend a friend for personal financial advice to a sponsee...its shaky ground imo..

I have recovered as a direct result of precise direction from the book.......THAT is all i have to give away....

Mark75

At "only" a couple of months... still on step 1? Get moving in those steps!!

There are tools embedded in those next few steps that will help you see past your own anger and resentment.... that will help you sort out how you should be feeling about this.... and give you insight into some excellent points made by cathy and Jeramiah... And help with Daytrader's advice to "hear" what God is saying...

I hope you get this all sorted out!!

Mark

keithj

Like many others have already mentioned, this is the only part of your sponsor relationship I would be concerned about.

Those slogans are not newcomer basics. The 12 Steps are newcomer basics. The 12 Steps are also old timer basics. They are our program of recovery. They are the steps we took to get better, to recover.

If I'm unwilling to take those actions, no sponsor can help me. If I am willing to take those actions, no sponsor can stop me.

ChristinaW

A sponsor is merely there to guide you throught the step of AA. Sponsor's are not doctor's, lawyers, accountants, etc. to fix your life. The SUGGESTIONS a sponsor gives you are probably from their own experiences. This does not mean that you have to take them. If you feel comfortable with your sponsor and you can share anything with them, then share how you feel about this situation. If he reacts selfishly and it is something you can not resolve, then you have out-grown him and need to find another one.

Music

This is a great example of why sponsors should stick to sharing their message of sobriety and leave the rest alone.