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Old 05-20-2009, 04:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Crawling through change


Recently, I changed sponsors. Of course, I worried and fretted over having the talk with my previous sponsor until I was able to speak to her face to face, and of course it all went well. She was very gracious and kind. I switched sponsors because of personal changes that both of us were going through. It was pretty much time to move on. It was not a rash decision.

So, I have a new sponsor. I'm going to a few new meetings. I'm enjoying the give and take that I have with this woman. That part is good!

The bad part is running into women in my previous line of sponsorship. Apparently, there has been a lot of talk about me moving on to a new sponsor. My old one was/is a hard liner..my new one not so much. I hate that this is a topic of discussion. I feel uncomfortable around women who were in my support network. I don't like feeling like I have to defend my choice. I understand that I'm probably putting a lot of this one on myself.

It's difficult. I'm not sure if I'm asking a question here, as I'm not participating in the gossip nor will I explain to people why I have moved on as that's between my old sponsor and me...I just don't get why folks feel that I'm a good topic of conversation.

Thanks for reading...

Karen
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Old 05-20-2009, 04:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I dunno Karen, I've found that as my recovery progresses, I distance myself further and further from the gossip, and I fall into a state of contentment and serenity that doesn't get shook up easily. It's no longer important to "fit in" or be "part of the crowd", my focus is on my program, my sobriety, and my commitment to helping others and being of service.

One of my favorite readings, although not from AA literature, relates to "moving on"........

Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Moving On

Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More

Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.

This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.

Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.

Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.

If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.

We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.

Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.

Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.

Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.

We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie 1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Old 05-20-2009, 04:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Gee Scott...I think you've written that one out for me before! Thanks..
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Old 05-20-2009, 05:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA View Post
I don't like feeling like I have to defend my choice. I understand that I'm probably putting a lot of this one on myself.

You don't have to defend yourself. So stop worrying and get going with that new sponsor.


I just don't get why folks feel that I'm a good topic of conversation.

It seems like all you have to do in AA to get talked about is "something." The people who're talking about you apparently have nothing better to do.
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Old 05-20-2009, 05:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Maybe they have a little more "Recovering" to do.
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Old 05-20-2009, 05:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA View Post
Recently, I changed sponsors. Of course, I worried and fretted over having the talk with my previous sponsor until I was able to speak to her face to face, and of course it all went well. She was very gracious and kind. I switched sponsors because of personal changes that both of us were going through. It was pretty much time to move on. It was not a rash decision.

So, I have a new sponsor. I'm going to a few new meetings. I'm enjoying the give and take that I have with this woman. That part is good!

The bad part is running into women in my previous line of sponsorship. Apparently, there has been a lot of talk about me moving on to a new sponsor. My old one was/is a hard liner..my new one not so much. I hate that this is a topic of discussion. I feel uncomfortable around women who were in my support network. I don't like feeling like I have to defend my choice. I understand that I'm probably putting a lot of this one on myself.

It's difficult. I'm not sure if I'm asking a question here, as I'm not participating in the gossip nor will I explain to people why I have moved on as that's between my old sponsor and me...I just don't get why folks feel that I'm a good topic of conversation.

Thanks for reading...

Karen

Follow your heart. Who cares what they think? AA is the biggest gossip factory in the world.
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Old 05-20-2009, 06:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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NoMo, it is THEIR PROBLEM not yours.

The longer I am in recovery the more I have taken to heart "what other people think of me is none of my business."

However, for me, what HP thinks of me, what I think of myself (honestly) and what my sponsor thinks of me is.

When I know in my heart (not my head) that I am doing the next right thing, than all is right with my HP.

I stay away from 'gossips'. Both in AA and out. If those I thought was a 'friend' is now talking about me for some reason, then I they were not a friend.

You did what you needed to do for you to continue to grow and change in recovery.

Be proud of you ................................. you are working hard on recovery and you keep moving forward.



Love and hugs,
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Old 05-21-2009, 04:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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What they all said.

Apart from the bad stuff, how's the good stuff?
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Old 05-21-2009, 04:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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They must be suffering if they need to do that. Would you rather be you or them?


Quote:
Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA View Post
Recently, I changed sponsors. Of course, I worried and fretted over having the talk with my previous sponsor until I was able to speak to her face to face, and of course it all went well. She was very gracious and kind. I switched sponsors because of personal changes that both of us were going through. It was pretty much time to move on. It was not a rash decision.

So, I have a new sponsor. I'm going to a few new meetings. I'm enjoying the give and take that I have with this woman. That part is good!

The bad part is running into women in my previous line of sponsorship. Apparently, there has been a lot of talk about me moving on to a new sponsor. My old one was/is a hard liner..my new one not so much. I hate that this is a topic of discussion. I feel uncomfortable around women who were in my support network. I don't like feeling like I have to defend my choice. I understand that I'm probably putting a lot of this one on myself.

It's difficult. I'm not sure if I'm asking a question here, as I'm not participating in the gossip nor will I explain to people why I have moved on as that's between my old sponsor and me...I just don't get why folks feel that I'm a good topic of conversation.

Thanks for reading...

Karen
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Old 05-22-2009, 08:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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************{Karen******************

since no one posted on here today -
I'm pasting in something I said a lLONG time ago about gossip.
It's still going on here, too.

Quote:
Been an interesting week... for me.

I learned about the slippery slope that is gossip: I learned how weak I am, how terribly gossip affects my connection with my HP, I learned what attitude energies I want to be aligned with, and what energies I don't want to be aligned with ...

zowie.
There’s individuals who talk about ideas, and concepts. There’s individuals who talk about politics, current events, and practical application of the steps, spirituality, and morals into their daily lives.
These people … I like these people.
Their conversations spring from their commitment to recovery. Even when deep into a challenging game of cards, or pool, or scrabble - their comments to each other reflect a perspective that comes from within perceptions that are being changed and developed by the steps.
Talking recovery from the inside … out.

Then there’s the group that talks about … each other. Other people. Their problems. Their faults. Their shortcomings. Their resentments toward the people in the other two groups. They’re a pretty tight little group, always sitting together, and it looks for all the world like they’re having a great time. They talk about recovery, talk about it all the time – but - I’ve learned this past two weeks that these people are in truth, quite draining. Their influence on me leaves me feeling anxious and depleted. Sometimes, I can’t seem to get up and move away from them fast enough. Yet, if I’m not dilligent … I’m soon sucked back into that spiral again, sometimes subtly, sometimes sensationally. The inability to notice I'm getting sucked in is what's scandalizing me right now. I thought I was smarter than that. Then again ... I thought I could control my drinking, didn't I?
I think I get lonely, or just plain bored and whip up, or jump right into a bit o’drama for the hell of it. Some of these people don’t know any other way to be. Their talk is recovery – but their actions are still in the bar.
That’s talking recovery … from the outside.

Now, they're not evil, or 'dark' ... or anything like that - it's just that I seem to know ... different. I guess it is a form of judgement, but when it all boils down, there's simply a better way to be. I already am both types. I choose to focus on the first type.

The God of my understanding speaks to me through the words and actions of both sorts; I will not close myself off from them, however … for this time in my recovery … I can only be surrounded by the one kind. As for the other kind, I can accept them, encourage them, support them, laugh, joke, be friendly … I simply cannot afford to be one OF them.

I need to be hanging on the inside ... looking out through my recovery.
so I figure, hon - if they're talking about you - they're not one OF you. You're the other kind of person.

That's all.
And it's a good thing.
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Old 05-23-2009, 05:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I was listening to a "spiritual" speaker the other day.

He said that almost all of the greatest people in history were "free of the good opinion of others." In other words, they did what was right, it just didn't matter what anyone else thought.

And you are doing what is right.
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Old 05-23-2009, 06:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I just don't get why folks feel that I'm a good topic of conversation.
That's about them, not about you.
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Old 05-23-2009, 09:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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One of the things that was told to me in early recovery was if I was taking my own inventory I would be too busy to take anyone else's.

So if someone is "working my program" and taking my inventory they aren't working their own.

I find that helpful to remember sometimes. I actually find it helpful to remember when I am taking someone else's inventory as well, so helpful all around.
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Old 05-26-2009, 12:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Follow your heart. Who cares what they think?
About a year or so ago I was facing a decision that I feared would get talked about in the AA gossip circles. I had already inventoried it, prayed about it, and waited until some direction was indicated. I felt good in my heart. But, because I believe in taking these decisions through the steps, I sought counsel from other alcoholics. Part of my fear was based on what others would think or say or gossip, and I wanted some outside input.

The feedback I got was, "Let 'em talk. You're on the beam, Keith. If they're talking about you, they're probably leaving someone else alone."

Decisions made this way always turn out OK. Not always what I expect or want, but always OK.
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Old 06-13-2009, 01:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Just an update: I am very very happy with my new sponsor. It's small things really, like her willingness to email me (I often think better in the written word), her availability, (emotionally too), and man, this woman does not judge a single soul. I like that.

And, she has introduced me to a ton of great women in the program, and has involved me in a lot of different AA activities. Something that I had been missing.

So, things are good! I appreciate all the feedback..thanks.

Karen
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Old 06-13-2009, 07:31 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Sounds really positive Karen...
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