bob_sapp

I have been sponsoring a guy for the first time, he is only a couple years younger than me, but is already very progressed alcoholic. He has struggled hard with crystal meth, narcotics, and chronic drinking. I mean, drinking Listerine when he runs out of booze, getting into blackouts every time... He recently relapsed and was on a a 3 day bender, culminating in him getting arrested last night for stealing booze at a booze store (which he doesn't remember), and being released today. To top it all off, he has very enabling parents who refuse to kick him out of the house, and a girlfriend who I see as a classic enabler (her dad was an alcoholic, her sister married an alcoholic...) and is supporting him by not leaving him despite his relapses (not to mention that she is trying to stay sober herself using the "marijuana maintenance" program).

He says he wants to do what he is told. IE, go to as many meetings as possible, read his books, do the steps, etc. ...but I think he is just going to relapse again. He has been in long term treatment, short term treatment, taken the religious route etc. but I suspect that as long as his parents and this girl are taking care of him, he will continue until he is in jail permanently.

I am considering just telling him that I can't sponsor him, and he needs to talk to an old timer who has the teeth to let him have it. I have my own problems and don't think I have the years of experience needed to sponsor someone like this. I am thinking that if he relapses again after this I will just tell him to get a new sponsor because I can't be close to someone who is not doing what they are supposed to. For my own sanity and spiritual safety, I can't be close to anyone who isn't doing things 100% because I am still in the shaky years of my sobriety.

Any advice?

lizw

Personally I wouldn't do anything. Just let him be.
If he wants your help he can ask for it.
And if he is not willing to take direction, after asking for help, don't take it personally - he's sick.

If he has got the basics, knows where meetings are, has phone numbers and you've started him on the steps with the book, the ball is in his court.

Hope that helps.
Can be very hard to let go of people we really want to see get sober.

Tommyh

I would sit down with him and get in the book asap

Pinkcuda

Have you talked to your Sponsor about this?

AW2486

Bob I had the same problem.. One of my early sponsee committed suicide and I got scared and refused to sponsor anybody anymore, and didn't for 18 years. I heard a speaker that changed my mind.. all he said was.. just stick to the first 164 pages of the big book and you can't hurt anybody. I was asked again to sponsor last year, and I wasn't afraid anymore. Since then.. I've worked with 2 people. 1 guy is sober.. and the other guy(my cousin) cut off contact and I assume he is drunk. If he comes back or somebody new asks for help... As bballdad said.. get back to the book .. because I know I can't hurt anybody that way. The book is their best chance. What they do after that is up to them.

Good luck

PaulN

I experienced a similar situation a long time ago. It was suggested I re-read Questions & Answers on Sponsorship and re-read Chapter 7 of the BB. I did both, prayed and had my answer.

navysteve

Bob,
Several years ago, while in the darkest place in my sobriety. I was approached by a man who asked me to be his sponsor. I was quite apprehensive about it given my own state of mind ( it was real bad). I prayed about it, talked to my sponsor, and decided this was part of Gods plan for us both. I began taking him through the steps. I watched him have an ntense spiritual experience while taking his 3rd step. It was incredible!!!!!

After sponsoring this guy, I was high on service to my fellow alcoholic. I soon came back to earth after sponsoring a guy, who sounds like your new man. He didn't get it, and soon died of this illness.

But, even through that. His mother was introduced to Al-Anon. I don't know if she stayed or not, and truth be told. Itreally doesn't matter. What matters is that when someone reached out, the hand of AA was there. Going to any lengths is different for everyone. I have seen guys take lines out of the Big Book like no middle of the road solution way out of context. Living spiritually is quite different in a few key areas. In school or work, it is about the results. In AA, it is about your actions

Music

Whether or not he drinks again is not your call, and none of your business. The fact is that this guy asked you to sponsor him and it's your responsibility to do just that. You can't share what you haven't experienced. Parents and girlfriends are not your business. Share your experience, strength and hope and leave the rest up to God. If you'd been told "no" every time you asked someone to sponsor you, how would you feel and where would you be today. I know there's no way to answer those questions exactly but at least think about it. As sober people, we're supposed to be "available" to carry the message of what AA did for us and how we did it. THAT'S ALL!!!

Sugah

Bill W. talks about this in Language of the Heart. When we carry the message to someone else, it's not on the condition that that message is received and taken to heart. It doesn't matter if your man gets sober right away, stumbles a bit before getting it, or doesn't get it at all. As steve said, it's in the actions--in the trying. Your trying, not his.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

miss communicat

exactly.

Also, what everyone else has shared is very helpful. My own sponsor adds that its important to remember the phrase on our medalluion "To Thine Own Self Be True". Be true to yourself, but not in that old "small" self way, which is the voice telling us that we can only sponsor a person if such and such conditions are met. Be true to yourself in your heart.

Now, you wrote of fears and vulnerabilities. If you fear that you do not have a solid message of recovery, have not found and anchored into the spiritual solution and therefore lack the ability to walk this man through the 164 pages of the BB without jeopardizing your own sobriety, then you need to look at that.

Not nescessarily decide anything based on these fears, but honestly look into your own program, with your own sponsor. Doing so will bring you into more sobriety. Your discussion with your sponsor may lead you to consider that, by walking this man through those steps, it may very well bolster your own program and connection to your Higher power in the process. Or, it may not.

I support your journey, as long as you stay sober and recover yourself....

BP44

My sponsor made very clear to me a number of things when we first met and discussed how we would do business. He said that whether I stayed or not did not matter. If I didn't, he would find another alcoholic to work with. He also said that he would put into it what I would. He then told me that he doesn't fire sponsees, but I could terminate the relationship at any time. He also said that if I get sober and recover that would be great, but he does this for his sobriety. These were very very important things to understand. He needs me, but he's willing to let me die if need be. I surrendered to him in that first meeting, and after that I surrendered to the process. This is the message I carry to my sponsees intact. My job is to make sure they know that there is a solution, and that I'm not it. I've had 6 guys ask me to sponsor them this year, only two are doing the work. They are both coming up on 6 months. One other got as far as instructions for inventory and haven't heard from him since August. He had to get a paper signed for work for 90 days. After that he was gone with the wind. One guy only called me twice, both times to find out a meeting time. Haven't seen him in about 4 months. The other two never called. One of them picked up a 1 year medallion in November and hasn't done a thing I suggested. The other I never heard from after the day he asked me to sponsor him. My point is that my job is to be available. If you want to sit across the table from me, we'll do it and a book will be open. If not, I am available, if and when you are ready. Iam grateful for every one of these men who have asked me to sponsor them. I have learned as much from the ones who are unwilling to sit across the table as the ones who are willing.

Ago

I sponsored a few guys like this

I stayed sober the whole time, it's how I stay sober is by "working with others" it's my "mandate"

I have never taken a drink while listening to a newcomer.

the irony?

Some of them have 16 years, 12 years, 14 years, 9 years, 7 years etc some didn't make it

I have ten months now, because I stopped working with others.

Sponsoring is like being in a relationship, you can only get good at it by doing it.

Music

Thanks Ago. Your second point was one that is so obvious and is the very reason I never say no to someone. The reason I sponsor people isn't to get them sober, but to stay sober myself. I have to give it away in order to keep it.

Tazman53

Great shares on this Bob.

My first sponsee, I was so green behind the ears it was not funny, I had been sober about 7 months, I think I was on step 7 at the time, my sponsor came up to me and said "Hey this guy wants you to sponsor him." I looked at him and said "Your kidding right? I only have 7 months sober and am only on step 7 myself, how can I sponsor him?" He said we would have to get finished with the steps a little quicker, he told me I was ready!

Well this sponsee never took a step with me, he only went to one meeting a week, he told me that he only had time for one meeting a week. A few days after he picked up his 6 month chip he called me and told me that he just did not have time to make even that one meeting any more and thanked me for being his sponsor, I guess he fired me in a nice way.

Man I was convinced I had done something wrong, I spoke to my sponsor and he asked me if I made myself available to him, I had. He asked me if I had drank over it, I said no! He then told me I did just fine. He also let me know that the only person I could keep sober was me and the only person I could get drunk was me! He also told me that as long as I stuck with the first 164 pages of the BB and shared my ES&H inside of those pages I could do no harm.

In a nutshell if some one wants it they can get it if they are willing to do the work, it is easier for them if they have a sponsor available to take them through the steps, but there are people who have stayed sober and taken the steps.

My sponsee's help me to stay sober, I make myself available to them, if they want what I have I give it to them freely just like it was given to me. The steps were not forced upon me, I sought help and I got it.