Apologizing can sometimes = manipulation
Retired Pro Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Apologizing can sometimes = manipulation
Last night in a 12 step meeting we were on Step 10. Someone shared that one of their defects was apologizing when they didn't even really know why they were apologizing. It occurred to me that when I apologize for something when I don't recognize the wrong or harm that I have caused, it's a form of manipulation.
I can manipulate others into thinking that I empathize when all I really know is that something is wrong between us. Sometimes when I'm uncomfortable with that feeling of dischord, and I want that feeling lifted, my knee-jerk reaction sometimes is to apologize. By apologizing for something when I don't fully understand the harm I have caused, I'm doing nothing but causing further harm. It's a lie.
It's important for me to understand my defects in action and know the true motives behind the harm I have caused before I can take any action.
I can manipulate others into thinking that I empathize when all I really know is that something is wrong between us. Sometimes when I'm uncomfortable with that feeling of dischord, and I want that feeling lifted, my knee-jerk reaction sometimes is to apologize. By apologizing for something when I don't fully understand the harm I have caused, I'm doing nothing but causing further harm. It's a lie.
It's important for me to understand my defects in action and know the true motives behind the harm I have caused before I can take any action.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Barto in my premarital workshop I was taught that I only needed a few phrases to led to a perfect marriage.
Yes dear.
No dear.
You are right.
I am wrong.
I am sorry.
Where do you want to eat out tonight.
I love you.
Of course I would love to have your mom move in with us!
Yes dear.
No dear.
You are right.
I am wrong.
I am sorry.
Where do you want to eat out tonight.
I love you.
Of course I would love to have your mom move in with us!
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
That might have gotten lost on me.
If, he didn't know he or, she offended someone, why was there an apology offered?
After a clear head of a few 24 hours, I know when, I've deliberately said something in the heat of the moment or otherwise.
We all have choices. I can choose to let something someone said to me upset me or not. Same thing can also be said about someone being upset over something we said to them.
Good friends can say things to each other in jest that, a total stranger couldn't without upsetting us.
Trying to stay fit in my spiritual condition today allows me to chew on words a lot longer before, I spit them out.
If, he didn't know he or, she offended someone, why was there an apology offered?
After a clear head of a few 24 hours, I know when, I've deliberately said something in the heat of the moment or otherwise.
We all have choices. I can choose to let something someone said to me upset me or not. Same thing can also be said about someone being upset over something we said to them.
Good friends can say things to each other in jest that, a total stranger couldn't without upsetting us.
Trying to stay fit in my spiritual condition today allows me to chew on words a lot longer before, I spit them out.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
It's that whole 'I'm okay, if you're okay' thing. Eh?
I noticed it in myself about 4/5 years ago when I realised I had a tendency to be overly nice to people I could not stand.
It never occured to me I could just be polite.
I noticed it in myself about 4/5 years ago when I realised I had a tendency to be overly nice to people I could not stand.
It never occured to me I could just be polite.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Righthere, Rightnow
Posts: 1,424
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
Barto in my premarital workshop I was taught that I only needed a few phrases to led to a perfect marriage.
Yes dear.
No dear.
You are right.
I am wrong.
I am sorry.
Where do you want to eat out tonight.
I love you.
Of course I would love to have your mom move in with us!
Yes dear.
No dear.
You are right.
I am wrong.
I am sorry.
Where do you want to eat out tonight.
I love you.
Of course I would love to have your mom move in with us!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Sometimes when I'm uncomfortable with that feeling of dischord, and I want that feeling lifted, my knee-jerk reaction sometimes is to apologize.
Anything to "keep the bad feelings away"...people pleasing stuff.
I still do it so much. Then get sick of it. And then..angry and fed up.
But I am growing...
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