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Old 07-30-2008, 04:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Comments, Suggestions, Advice, welcomed!!


41 year old male, 3rd attempt in AA to recover from alcoholism!!
Wife left in October after a series of phone calls were made threatening her and her boss to expose their affair (that was known about and actually encouraged/supported). Ended up in psych ward to take time off from work and beg plead for wife to come back (to absolutely no avail!!)

Came back to AA in January (14th is sobriety date). Started to do the work right away asap, did work on steps 1,2,3 with tape set "big book experienc" and with sponsor/step discussion tables. Did througough 4th step and included ALL things left out from previous times!! Shared all the garbage in 5th step with sponsor. Listened at tables about steps 6 &7, prayed for willingness to do things i dont want to do, dont do things i want to do.Working hard to make amends and then stopped at what seemed like some "easy" ones (work related, old high school nemesis who's now a cop) .. Got into a relationship at same time , realized not ready.. remain friends with possible benefits.

Missing ex like crazy obsessively, borderline stalking behavior, called her boss repeatedly without talking .. old resentments coming up (he refused to talk when 9th step amends attempted)

Right before six months stopped praying on knees and program has seem to go to "****" .. slacking on meeting... 2 months behind on mortgage, house a pigsty, got in accident in june got ticket for fleeing scene of accident (actually left car on side of highway and other party left the scene)

obviously need serious help but which/what direction would you reccomend?

HELP??
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Old 07-30-2008, 04:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR

From reading your post.. My suggestion would be to Get back into action.. AA is a program of action.. When we stop.. we suffer.

Start by doing the next right thing.
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Old 07-30-2008, 06:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Joe... go in about any direction different from the one you've been going in.

Get a sponsor, go to meetings. SHARE.

Stand up in front of the group and tell them your thoughts, tell them what you're thinking, see what the response is after the meeting.

I use 'the power of the group' quite often when I'm trying to decide what to do. I think to myself, "What would the group think if I did this....?"

Keep coming back.
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Old 07-30-2008, 06:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome!

I can relate to your getting stuck in the amends process. I can feel myself feeling that way a bit too right now. I spoke to my sponsor about it and we're amping up the goals for each week. (I'm a need a deadline or get in trouble kind of person). I have done the ones which I sorta knew would go well, and give me some kind of satisfaction in the doing, the ones that would take a ton of humility and I possibly won't feel any better after they are done are left...pretty selfish huh? So, to me, it's normal that my and possibly your behavior would start to become more selfish right?

So this is what I'm doing and maybe it will help you too..get back on your knees and start praying again. And I think Tommy had a great idea too.bout taking it to a group.

Keep posting..that'll help too!

Karen
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Old 07-30-2008, 06:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome,

All of the above. And grab onto a newcomer and start taking them to meetings, if you can. Put all of your energy into recovery, and watch the chaos disappear.
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Old 07-30-2008, 07:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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hi Joe,I believe the above posts was great.
My personal relationship or contact with my HP is the most important thing for me.I would suggest you get back to praying and take a inventory.Get right inside of yourself first..Then you can take care of the outside situations.
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Old 07-30-2008, 07:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half-way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interset in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...."

Welcome to SR Joe,

The ninth step promises above are read before every meeting I attend. So those are the promises, the big pay off for all the crap I have to go through to get and stay sober.

They must be pretty important if they are promises.

I had to concentrate on those promises while I worked the first nine steps. I had to admit that I'm self absorbed and most everything I do or say, even if it seems to be a self sacrifice is almost always self serving.... what's in it for me!

I have to admit to myself daily that it's insane to expect more from AA's first nine steps than the promises as read in my meetings.

If I believe those promises aren't enough, I'm in trouble.

Stay sober Joe, let the past be and live for today.

Peace

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Last edited by CarolD; 07-31-2008 at 02:03 AM. Reason: Added Source
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'd recommend all of the above and if you are still struggling/finding it a bit tough, you might want to check out SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) at the same time regarding the obession with your ex wife - especially the stalking. I've known many AA people who struggle big time with this kind of stuff and there is just no need too.

That doesn't mean you replace AA with SLAA, or that you are a 'bad AA member' or don't have a 'good enough program in AA' it just means you seek help from both, just like you'd get a painter to paint your house, not a gardner but a gardner will take care of your garden.
You wouldn't be alone there with your expereince either.

Good luck.
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Old 07-31-2008, 02:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome to our community ...

Prayer helps me immensley in all areas of my life.

However...I also need to take positive action.
Contact your creditors and see what is possible.
Tackle your dirty home...clean it.

Also...if you are looking scruffy...
Get your hair cut...shine you shoes...wear clean clothes
.
I've found the better my surroundings are
and my appearance is
the better I feel about myself.

Keep posting with us ...
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Old 07-31-2008, 02:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Turn fear into faith. Remember you are never alone to handle situations. You should have a phone list. On that phone list, someone will probably tell you to have faith in your Higher Power. You know from being in the program what needs to be done. If you don't, all you have to do is ask a fellow AA'er.

Remember in Step Two we came to beleive that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity. And the next step to turn our will and lives over to the care of the Higher Power we just came to beleive in.

It's one thing to beleive, it's another to trust aka have faith.

Dive into your step work, the solution is there.

Tom
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Old 07-31-2008, 02:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Well you have gotten some great advice above, here is what I would add.

Quote:
Listened at tables about steps 6 &7, prayed for willingness to do things i dont want to do, dont do things i want to do.Working hard to make amends and then stopped at what seemed like some "easy" ones (work related, old high school nemesis who's now a cop)
Was this done with a sponsor?

Quote:
Missing ex like crazy obsessively, borderline stalking behavior, called her boss repeatedly without talking .. old resentments coming up (he refused to talk when 9th step amends attempted)
Have you spoken to your sponsor about the above? I have a feeling that your sponsor would have told you not to make amends to your wifes boss if you were still doing stuff like that! How can one make amends to someone when they are still wronging them?

Quote:
Right before six months stopped praying on knees and program has seem to go to "****" .. slacking on meeting... 2 months behind on mortgage, house a pigsty, got in accident in june got ticket for fleeing scene of accident (actually left car on side of highway and other party left the scene)
If I was were you are at I would hope I would be able to see a relapse coming if I did not take ACTION!!!!!

1. Prayer, prayer, & more prayer!

2. Meetings, meetings, & more meetings!

3. Work with sponsor, work with sponsor, and then work with him some more!!!

4. Service work, service work, & more service work.

5. Work on accepting that you can not change others such as your wife and her boss, work on accepting that you can not change others such as your wife and her boss, and then work on accepting that you can not change others such as your wife and her boss some more.

Focus on your sobriety, obsessing about others is not what you need to focus on.
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Old 08-03-2008, 02:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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thank you all i am BACK in action and feel TONS better... still realize i have TONS of work to do
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