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Children and AA meetings

Old 06-05-2008, 09:18 AM
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Children and AA meetings

Kj3880 brought up a good topic in a response to another thread. I felt the topic was worth discussing and hearing others opinions. Here is a quote of that topic. Kj3880, I hope you do not mind me stealing your topic.:sorry
On a related subject, often people (one woman in particular has 3 loud kids under the age of 3!) come into our meetings (I go to AA and NA) with loud, disruptive children. I also worry about them hearing the language and content that some people have used. It is appropriate for adults, but not children. Sometimes the children run around and scream and fight with each other, they always talk to me (for some reason children and dogs are drawn to me like the pied piper) and though they are really cute, it distracts from the meeting. I would hate for her to have to miss the meeting, but now I'm missing the meeting mentally instead of her, with her kids jumping all around and on me. And I'm sure it affects a lot others too. I don't say anything about it because I've only been going to meetings for a few months.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:21 AM
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Not at all, glad to see you put it on it's own thread, maybe more people can see and answer it this way.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:28 AM
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I have run into this in several meetings. It truly bothered me in very early sobriety. I would sit there and be distracted by the kids, getting a resentment against the parent for not controlling their child. Finally after a few years I was able to change my perspective and see the parent as an alcoholic who needs help. I don't think I could have viewed it any different in my early sobriety. I realized what irritated me the most about the situation was that when I was drinking I was no more in control of my kids in public than they were. I would be embarrassed but did not want to make a scene by disciplining my child and having them cry and scream. So it was easier to let them run hoping that they would stay somewhat quiet. Once I was able to see the parent in a more compassionate light I am now able to be of assistance to those people. What I do today is try to distract the child and keep them from being disruptive. I have even taken them outside for a walk to allow the parent to sit through the meeting. I realize that for many young parents it is difficult to find the time away from a child to attend a meeting. Ironically, a meeting is really what these people many times need. I have taken a fussy baby and walked the halls with it so the mother could have some peace and listen in the meeting. Yes, I too could have used those meetings but I also have a responsibility to the alcoholic who is suffering even if they do have a few days of sobriety under their belt.

I am by no means perfect, there are days when I still get frustrated about children in meetings. Fortunately where I live we have a few meetings that provide childcare so the parents do have options. Having seen this problem from two different perspectives I am grateful that I have never been the parent sitting in the AA meeting trying to find a solution to my problem and having to deal with my children at the same time.

I do not say this to appear judgemental of anyone on how they handle or feel about children in meetings. I am simply sharing my thoughts and experiences on the subject. Please share yours. How do you handle the problem? What is your opinion on the issue? Does you homegroup have a plan in place for this? Have you ever been in the parents shoes? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Judith
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:35 AM
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My home group now has a policy of 18 and over
in meetings....unless you are a young alcoholic.

At one time we had a play room set up in a separate room
with all sorts of donated toys. The Mom's were taking turns
staying in there with kids.
Those Mom's drifted away. Play room closed.

It's a matter for group concious.
IMO
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:36 AM
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I would probably be like WC Fields, " Ahh yes, I eat the little rascals." I am learning tolerance and kindness with this sort of disruption.

By the way....I AM TEASING ABOUT THE EATING. Gezz, the disclaimers one has to write these days...
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:39 AM
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This is a pure example of a group conscience issue. Whatever the group decides is the way it is for that group. I even know of a group that has all the kids in a nursery for an hour, and a service rotation watches the kids. It is a very popular womens only group with lots of moms with little ones. That would be pretty tough to do in most groups, but they have made a heck of a go of it.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:39 AM
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I know of more than one group that pays a person (out of the self supporting 7th tradition collection) to watch the children during the meeting - in a different room. It's not too different than Carol's playroom - but it allows everyone to be in the meeting while a 'professional' sits with the children during that hour.

It seems to work well for them...
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:47 AM
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Well in my area I have seen kids from less then a month old all the way up to 15 come with a parent to meetings, with the older kids they usually bring home work or a video game are are content sitting in the kitchen, with the really young ones it varies, if the parent has pretty solid sobriety they go into the hall or outside if the kid gets cranky or if the parent with the child is a newcomer I have seen more then one Old timer walking the halls with a crying baby to where the parent could get the time in a meeting they need.

I have not expereinced any kids disrupting a meeting, maybe I am just lucky. I have no problem with kids at a meeting, if a parent needs a meetinig I can practice my love and tolerance.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:56 AM
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the alanons who meet in our building have a sign on their door-
we welcome children,but we have a PG meeting,parental guidancemandatory

I know of a meeting with a big sign on the wall,we love you and your children,but they are your responsibility to keep quite during the meetings so the meeting will not be disrupted.Feel free to carry them outside if they won`t be still or quiet.

Mt wife and I carried our son and daughter to meetings all their life,and we kept them in their seat and quiet or my wife would take them out of the room.After a while,they learned what they had to do.
It is the parents responsibility to keep them quite and in their seat.It is a hard thing to do at first if the kids have had no discipline,but if the parent continues on,the kids will learn to behave.At least ours did.
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:15 AM
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I totally agree, children who don't behave well are a major distraction at meetings.

My kids are 10 & 12, they've attended 2-5 meetings every week with me for the last three years. They know it's important to be quiet and respect that, if they're loud I can get their attention very quickly and quiet them down. I make sure they have drinks and snacks and something to keep them occupied quietly, a book or activity.

Like kj3880, I'm like the freakin' Pied Piper of AA. For some reason (and I hate to say it but it's mostly the single mothers) people feel like they can leave their unruly children at my table so our kids can play together. If they don't respect my request to be quiet, I simply ask them to leave the table and later on I can set the boundary with the parent. I'm there for my recovery, not to be a babysitter.

As far as the language and content goes, my kids don't hear much that they're not already hearing in school. And IMHO, they grew up in a dysfunctional setting with two addict parents, I see no need to hide them from reality and sugarcoat life. Most of the time I don't even think they're paying attention to the speaker, and if they are, I hope they're hearing at least a little of the message that we share in the rooms. Isn't that what we call "leading by example"?

If a parent has to bring their child along to attend a meeting, then I'd rather put up with a little noise than to not have them attend at all. As long as they're working on their recovery, I can suck it up deal with it.
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:34 AM
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Well, I wasn't going to say this because we joke that if you do something "nice," then tell someone about it, it doesn't count - but none of you here go to meetings with me, so what the hell.

I sponsor a young woman who has a 19 month old son. We also have an Al-anon meeting at the same time, and one of the women has a four year old and a nine year old. There's a playroom in the church where we meet, so I've been slipping my 14 yr old daughter five bucks to come to the meeting with me & keep the kids busy so everyone gets a meeting. Nobody knows that Jade's getting paid - and it's not much, but Jade values 12 step programs for what they've done for her own family. We just keep it on the down low, and it works out well. If something happens that my daughter can't come with me, there's no built up expectation that "it's her job," and those rare times, we all take turns with the kids - including the newcomer parents. It's an exercise in acceptance, and the rare time someone bitches about disruptions, the bottom-line question is asked: "Rather have the parent(s) in here sober or out there drunk?" The point is made.

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Old 06-05-2008, 10:39 AM
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My son was eight years old when I got sober and I used to drag him to meetings all the time, never thinking about how it affected him. I was an every-other-weekend dad then. When he was about eleven, we were getting ready to head out to a meeting and he said to me "we always do AA stuff, can't we go to a movie or something?" It got me to thinking. I gave up a Saturday home group so I could spend more time with him during the weekends he was with me.

I have to remember my early sobriety when I become annoyed by kids. I can tolerate little kids in a meeting as long as they aren't running around disrupting the meeting and the meeting is open.

However, given the general atmosphere of sickness that pervades some meetings, I don't think I'd want my kids there. Meetings like that drag me down in a fit spiritual condition, I can't help but think that kids pick up on that too.
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Sugah View Post
It's an exercise in acceptance, and the rare time someone bitches about disruptions, the bottom-line question is asked: "Rather have the parent(s) in here sober or out there drunk?" The point is made.
Thank You!

And in response to Jim's post, it reminded me that as my recovery progresses, I also respect that my children and I need a little quality time together. I don't drag them to as many meetings as I used to.
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:57 AM
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Interesting - i have to think about this occationally. I really don't like kids in meetings, but have never considered asking someone to leave. However, i have seen people rudely deal with parents with crying kids and i am not in agreement with it.

So - at one group we had a babysitter meeting once a week. I think that really is good. And i think having it be 12 step work for someone to watch the kid so the parent gets a meeting is a great thing. I really don't like kids, so i don't really want to do that. because i don't like them they generally don't like me either so it's a loose loose situation. However, after the last rudeness to a woman with a baby that i witnessed, i did decide that if someone is at a meeting with a fussy child i will offer to take it out for a walk.

I think it is inappropreite for a child to hear what is said in meetings (just an opinion, totally could be wrong), but it is way more inappropreite for a child to see the things i do when i am drinking...or even sober but in a fit.

My sponsor has kids, and we have discussed that when her younger daughterr (age 1 i think) gets just a little older we will have to rethink our meetings together so that she doesn't hear sexually explicit stuff and some of our more adult level conversation.
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Old 06-05-2008, 11:15 AM
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hahahaha, this is so bananas! we were just talking about this... my mom's in recovery, so my sister and i were going to meetings in utero. my mom took my sister and i to meetings all the time when we were little... we lived in the northeast, and the people there loved us. plus, we were well behaved.

my dad worked at treatment centers, and would lead meetings as well as groups. the only time i can remember ever speaking out was when i was about 4 or 5 and my dad was leading a meeting. he had set my sister and i up at a table in the back with hot cocoa and coloring books and crayons so that we'd stay quiet as he led the meeting. well, my sister took my crayon or something, and i called out "daddy!" no one got upset, everyone played it cool, and my pops came over and reminded me how important it was to be quiet. i guess i could count that as the first experience i remember from AA. huh.

nowadays, i see little kids in meetings and they have coloring books, crayons, gameboys, etc. they're just like i was, and thank god their parents are sober. i doubt i'll ever be so annoyed that i'd trade kiddos in a meeting for them dealing with the terror that comes with untreated alcoholic parents... i know that terror, i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
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Old 06-05-2008, 11:27 AM
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Most of the meetings here are open. There are few that provide childcare. Most don't. I've been off work recently, so I've been attending some noon meetings at a local hall. There are coloring books for the kids and they seem to do OK. This hall isn't like many of the halls I've been to, there is a healthy energy there, people are recovering, not staying sick, so I think this helps.

I do understand the dilemma of the single parent who may not be able to afford a baby sitter. Last night I went to a meeting and there was a young woman there who had what sounded like a solid footing in recovery but had had a child in the last few years and hadn't been able to get to meetings. She had her little boy there, I would say about fifteen months old, crawling around and happy little kid. He made the usual kid noises and what have you, but wasn't disruptive at all. While his mom was talking he crawled around and ended up by me, wanting to be held, so I picked him up and bounced him on my lap and entertained him. Totally destroyed my image you know-LOL!

At one time kids in meetings annoyed the hell out of me, but sometimes I have to go back to the question "What would the master do?"
Jim

Last edited by jimhere; 06-05-2008 at 11:33 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-05-2008, 12:29 PM
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my first 3 yrs sober,my family sat in meetings beside me twice a week.I was glad to have a family.Then my wife slacked off of ala non and my kids stayed with her at home.
Now they come for my AA birthday.It`s so nice to see them there once a year.Now my son has a girlfriend there,and my soon to be grand daughter,to be delivered by a sober doctor from my home group.Go figure:bounce
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Old 06-05-2008, 01:30 PM
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my daughter, now 28, came with me to many meetings from about age 6 or 7 on. it was not ideal for anyone, but we've all survived ok.

these days, when children are present at meetings I accept them as part of life. On occasion, if i know them or the parent, if i sense they need a break, I will walk outside with them (kids) for a while or go in another room and read with them. I feel sorry for them having to wait around while their parents are in a meeting. it must be hugely boring.

I now have a friend in the program, a single mom of an 8 year old girl. The daughter goes with mom to a mtg almost every night. Mom is going thru a hard time, and shares freeely about her feelings, tears and shame and all. In this case, I think its unhealthy for the daughter to be exposed to so much apparent instability in a parent. The little girl gets very worried and tries to "fix" mommy, or otherwise take care of mommy, to make her stop crying or to be happy.

this is the down side of bringing kids to support groups. they may be put in a position where they feel they must provide parental-type support to the supposed parent, who is weak and needy.

I have called this friend, at least 5 times and offered to have her drop the child off at my house on the way to a meeting so that she can have her meeting to herself, but she has declined.

bottom line though-she is not drunk.
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Old 06-05-2008, 02:20 PM
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The AA Club where I attend meetings established a policy several years ago ... for liability reasons ... NO children or pets allowed. Initially it caused anger and controversy, one group moved to a different location. In the end it all calmed down and recovery flourishes.
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Old 06-05-2008, 03:53 PM
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Here's what I think is one important aspect we havent considered on this post....anonimity. I expect grownups to be able to keep my identity confidential, but how can I expect a 5 or even a 10 year old to do so? I'd sure hate to be somewhere with my mom or work partner (we work in the community) and have a fellow member's children run up and say "Hey, Miss KJ, I know you...you go to NA or AA with my Mommy!! I guess if they saw me at AA, it wouldn't be as bad for my work, but if they said NA...oh my gosh, it could cause me a big problem (I could be fired). Sometimes Iwonder if they might tell other kids in their class who's parents are going to meetings, too. That could be trouble, as some parents like me, have to keep this information from our children (my teen suffers from a mental disorder, and we need to keep the stress low for him at this time). I just have to avoid meetings with kids for now, because I'm in early recovery, I work a lot, so I don't have meeting time to spare by spending it with the children at this point in my life. Down the line when I retire, I'll be a seasoned veteran of sobriety, and I'll have time to donate one of my meetings to being the group grandma, and letting all the mommys have a break by doing babysitting for them all. I just have to get to that point. I think I would love that.
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