Aa_vark

Yup, i lost it.. Its just a token, really, the real sobriety is inside. But It worries me, none the less. I have been really struggeling lately, trying to get through some very difficult times. 2 times in the last four months, i promised myself that i wouldnt drink today, but set a date in the future to get loaded. It kept me sober the first time, but the second date is coming up. but NOT TODAY! DAM IT!
New sponser says 3 years is tough, but WAIT TILL 5!!! That'll really SUCK...
Thanks buddy, thats wonderful sponsorskip.
Anyway, i am struggeling,

Aaron

Zoobear

Be cool, relax, go to a meeting and ask for a new chip.
You are right where you are supposed to be.

Aa_vark

I duno about that right where im supposed to be stuff, zoo.

Its hard for me thinking about what i want at this point.. Im having excruciating difficulty jest getting what i need, for basic human survival...

i feel like god has pulled the rug out from under me, big time.

Fake friends all around me. Getting job interviews, but no offers. Relocated accross the country, cant get food stamps in this state. or welfare. or unemployment. holidays coming up, no girlfriend here. No family here. if it wasnt for meetings and alcothons i would be sunk. im living on coffee and donuts more days then not. "temping" at day labor jobs to barely scratch up rent. I cant carry the message that it gets better, today. But i can say that im completely sober and alive to feel it. This quite SUCKS. Now granted, i am working through reckage, struggeling against shortcomings... It has to be done. But I NEED... Im not talking about want... Im about 4/5 the way to a fifth...

woo hoo! 1238 days....

tanyapmc

You can also look online and order yourself a coin. I have a hole through mine and have them on my keychain. Reminds me of who I am.

RufusACanal

Aa vark, Give me your address and birth year and I will send you a coin. It was never easy for me when I was down on my luck; food shelter and clothing just not to be found.

If you drink you will have nothing to gain and only a short reprieve from the present pain, then you will be hungover, more broke, full of shame and still hungry, naked and homeless. No one can help if you drink. If you fight the good fight, we all can pitch in a hand. Maybe not according to your desires, but according to your needs.

What city are you in? There has to be services that will get you through. What is your skill or talent for work? I will help with what I can. Write me at *** and lets see if two heads are better than one. I am sure if others put their heads together with us, we can find some solutions, if you are willing.

R

REZ

AA vark:
Sorry to hear you are struggling. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? Those things you mention as your struggle--job, girlfriend, foodstamps, etc..--are all external. What internal things are you struggling with (i.e. self acceptance, honesty, patience, open mindedness, etc.)?

nandm

Do you still have your 24 hour coin?

Although my yearly coins are a great reminder of what the program and my HP have done for me, the most important reminder has always been my 24 hour coin.

That is the one that helped me get through each day then get enough days to recieve other coins. It helps me remember I only have 24 hours. That is all I have to live each day. I can easily be 24 hours away from my next drink if I do not work on my spiritual condition each day.

By the way, I did not find there to be much difference in 3 and 5 years. Each had its own struggles, lessons, and life stuff happen. I am not sure why people make those statements in the program. I find encouragement is a much more effect tool for people.

Hang in there. Consider putting your 24 hour coin in your pocket.

Aa_vark

Thanks rufus,

I know its only a short term solution. I'm pretty terrified of waking up the demon, to be honest with you. Its the wrong choicefor me today, inany situation, especially this one.

Im not to thrilled with this spiritual battle stuff, to be honest with you. We are not saints, as they say. But we are expected to suffer as saints. With that grace and perserververience. With heroic courage and faith and charity. Best i can give today, to my fellow alcoholic is the message that even though its bad, i dont have to drink.

If it wasnt for that bast@rd, i would be fat drunk and happy??? lol... not likely.

yes, rez i have a sponser. I am working on the thou shalt steal step... step 9, my friend. Living ammends. what i am left with is that i must live a better program.

savoy

What an odd thing for a sponsor to say unless thats their experience,
for me every year is better, not worse.

Why did you move?

Aa_vark

i know isnt that crazy?

I relocated because a business colleague got me a job interview with the company that he freelances for. I was freelancing for a different company on the same production. He mentioned how plentiful work was up here, and offered to help me network. I did get the interview, but havent been offered any work. He is no where to be found, not answering my emails.

I have managed to start networking, and continue to freelance in my profession, dispite his lack of contacting me. I am fairly highly educated, and fairly well experienced in my profession. There ARE many opportunities in this part of the country for me, however bad the timing has proved to be so far.

I continue to get interviews, about 50 percent of my applications, actually. still , all that has yeilded nothing,yet. Im sure having a felony drug possession on my record hasnt helped.

anyway,

i need something better fast.

savoy

This is a tough time of the yr for jobs, unless you're in retail sales , then you can work 24/7.

Why not just take anything, dishwashing to stay busy , construction ? drive a taxi ( oh you don't know the streets).
Stacking shelves etc.

Aa_vark

I have been working construction day labor, and also have gotten on the list with the union that covers my profession. i had 9 days with them last month, almost enough to cover rent. i cant call them yet. I can only take emergency work from them, untill mid january, then i am allowed to call in my availibility for work. Meantime im looking for anything and everything remotely related to my experience/education.

i live so modestly, but still cant make ends meet. I am really feeling miserable. Still, its better then having to go through early recovery again. I stuck around the halls because people told me i never had to feel that terrible again.

RufusACanal

Send me a PM with your address and I will send you a token. Self pity is easy now, guard against it and keep moving forward. Appreciate your being here.


R

Aa_vark

thank you rufus.

I sent you a pm.

One of my friends here sent me my 1 year coin. I still have it. Im gona carry that, for a while.

took over 2 years to get that coin.. it has a good vibe.

Rob B

These sound like sick words from an untreated alcoholic. If you are like me, this guy's garbage could kill you if you fall for it, please don't, there is a better way.
Your sponsor's remark clearly demonstrates he is not on the broad highway walking hand in hand with his creator. Any reliance on things human, meetings, people, medallions, etc... will kill any alcoholic who is beyond human aid.
I am sorry you are struggling, is it possible to find a recovered alcoholic to revisit the work with you? God is everything or nothing. Today my choice is everything, my interactions with the external world is merely a reflection of my inner connection with God.
Have you tried just being still. I find it helpful when I am ground up to just breathe, I watch and experience my breath, thoughts come and go, I just notice them without labeling or judging. I use this practice throughout the day, it keeps me grounded.
In Spirit, Rob

CarolD

:wow:
I have no answers Sorry to say.
(+) (+) (+)
Hugs and Prayers

Aa_vark

Hi RobB,

how've you been? Nice to hear from you.

thank you for the excellent reply, everything you speak resonates with me.

I am still sometimes, yes. The first few years the stillness was born our of fear, though. Paralysis by fear. This past year, i have grown, and found still serenity. Its not a constant state, though.

The outside world does not always reflect the care and compassion that God does, however. Even in trying to be a slightly better human being day by day, my heart would burn-up flaming in FAR site of the absolute love that is God.

i cant absolutely say im connected, my friend.

tryin is dyin. no one gets out of this life alive. gota go to he** before ya get to heaven, as the song says...

nandm

Good advice savoy.

I would also recommend trying temp. staffing agencies. Many times they can lead to a full time job. They can get your foot in the door where many times just waiting for the position to open up and putting your application in will not.

Good luck.

Zoobear

Just hang in there my friend. The wheel will turn and things will get better.
Everyone told me when I quit drinking that things would get better and they did. I suffered some health problems, 2 back surgeries, lost a few jobs, a wife, a few girlfriends, buried my Mom and Grandparents, been hungry, lonely, tired and broke. Man what a ride! LOL!
I stayed sober by the Grace of God and friends in AA. Try to remember that this will pass, and they said it gets better but they never said its easy.

Tommyh

any time I look at what I have instead of what I don`t have I find life is better and I have a better attitude and outlook on life