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Living with an active alcoholic

Old 11-30-2007, 08:49 PM
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I quit a few years ago, it wasn't motivated by what I was losing, or by what I had already lost. It was when I realized that I was so disgusted with myself that there was no choice. I had already lost wife #1 and the respect and communication with my 4 children. My second wife was actively engaged in an affair with her Dr. and I actually understood why. I was a drunk that only cared about my next drink.

I never really thought about those in my life, I felt it was my life and I was entitled to live it any way I chose. A number of my fellow AA members have told me they felt much the same before they finally quit. We seem to quit for ourselves, and not for those around us, no matter how much they love us and care about our well being.

In 1999 I had a moment of clarity and realized that I would most likely be dead within a year given the amount that I was drinking. I decided that I wanted to be the person I once was so I stopped and with AA and a reliance on a higher power I have not had a drink since. However, I must stress that I did it when I was done.

I am no mind reader, therefore I can't tell you when or even if your husband will stop, but I am fairly sure that it won't happen on any one's schedule except his. I would suggest that you plan for your and your children's future and pray that his schedule is conducive to your needs, but don't bank on that.

Best of luck and if I can provide any other insight please feel free to PM me. I am only sure about this alcoholic's mind, but I have spent a great deal of time with other sober and many not so sober alcoholics and there is a pattern to the thought process.

Best of luck,

Jon
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:03 PM
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Speaking from the alcoholic point of view. It was only when I realized that my alcoholism was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but everyone around me that I finally knew that I had to find a way to live without the alcohol or find a way to hurry up and die. This realization did not come because of the thought of losing anyone or anything in particular. It was just the culmination of my life as an active alcoholic. I had to get to the point where I surrendered to the fact that I could not control my alcoholism and that it was destroying my life. My thoughts are that I was beyond human aid. It did not matter how much I cared about my children or anyone else, even the thought of losing them could not have stopped me from drinking. I am fortunate that I was led to A.A. and I was desperate enough to go to any lengths.

I can not speak from an ALANON point of view as my experience in that area is quite limited. I did start going to meetings a few months a go but not on a regular basis. I do think that we need to take care of ourselves, not necessarily at the expense of others but we have to realize that others make their own choices and are responsible for them. It sounds like you are ultimately asking when would it be appropriate to leave? Will an ultimatum work to get him to stop drinking? and Is there any hope for him? My thoughts are you need to make yourself and your children your priority. Although he is a sick man, he is still an adult who is responsible for his own choices. I would not base my decision to leave or not to leave on whether or not he will get better. I would base the decision on what is right for my children and myself. I can not say that there is no hope for him to get better but ultimately that comes down to if and when he is ready to do whatever it takes to live sober. As far as an ultimatum, I do not see where it would make much of a difference either way, he is either going to quit or he is not. Many who quit drinking to save their marraige or for reasons outside themselves are unable to maintain any length of sobriety.

You make the statement that when you leave, you leave for good. To me that sounds like you probably have your mind made up as to what you need to do. I would suggest though that if you choose to leave consider leaving that door open (but don't necessarily let him know that). The reason I say that is there is a part of hiim that you loved enough to marry and have children with and hopefully if he is able to get sober that person will come out again.

These are only my thoughts on the subject, not advice, or telling you what to do. Take care, I pray that whatever choices you make you and your family find peace.
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:17 PM
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Some one who drinks does not need a reason to drink. I tried to justify my drinking. I know it has to be hard to care about some one who puts drinking first. So is he getting help for himself or someone else?

You could tell him you are ready to leave. He might wake up and look at what he will be loseing. I'm so sorry.
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Old 12-01-2007, 12:00 AM
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Welcome to the alcoholism forum, Sunshine

It's sad when active alcoholism hurts families.

I have to agree with what Jfangle said:

" I am no mind reader, therefore I can't tell you when or even if your husband will stop, but I am fairly sure that it won't happen on any one's schedule except his. I would suggest that you plan for your and your children's future and pray that his schedule is conducive to your needs, but don't bank on that. "


I also agree with Nandm's post :
You make the statement that when you leave, you leave for good. To me that sounds like you probably have your mind made up as to what you need to do. I would suggest though that if you choose to leave consider leaving that door open (but don't necessarily let him know that). The reason I say that is there is a part of hiim that you loved enough to marry and have children with and hopefully if he is able to get sober that person will come out again.

An alcoholic won't stop until he or she is "done". I'd advise you to take care of yourself and your children first.

I know that I would be torn up if my wife and children left me. One of the big reasons that I quit drinking was because I was aware of how my drinking was affecting my family life. If I didn't quit, I'm sure the family would not exist with me in it this very day. I don't know your husband, nor can I guess where his bottom is. There are some of us who need to lose so much more before we really surrender.

The key to the AA program, from my understanding, is a complete surrender. Some of us need to lose more than others to really get it.

I hope your family can find healing with a sober Dad.
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Old 12-01-2007, 05:41 PM
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I believe it is my choice not to drink. I just know that one drink leads to another. And that is after a lot of years trieing to control my drinking. My brother uses the excuse that " It's not my fault " Well I believe it is his fault because he decided to pour the drink and drank it. But this is just my opinion.
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