Blech
No more merlot, more mamma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Blech
So, yesterday I actually did a lot of work on my fourth step. I was feeling pretty happy with myself. I had a date to call my sponsor tonight at 7.
Well, I called at 7:30. I know that I was late. She told me that it was unacceptable, and that we would have to see if I can make it on time next Monday. She's a hard a**, I know it, I need it, but I was upset. I wanted to talk to her bout a few things...
I could list here why I was late in calling, doesn't really matter though does it? I thought that she was going to fire me!
Sometimes I want a touchy feelie kind of sponsor. I just feel crappy now.
Well, I called at 7:30. I know that I was late. She told me that it was unacceptable, and that we would have to see if I can make it on time next Monday. She's a hard a**, I know it, I need it, but I was upset. I wanted to talk to her bout a few things...
I could list here why I was late in calling, doesn't really matter though does it? I thought that she was going to fire me!
Sometimes I want a touchy feelie kind of sponsor. I just feel crappy now.
No more merlot, more mamma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Do you think it would do any good to speak with her when I see her Thursday? She just had two folks go back out, maybe she feels that she hasn't been strict enough? I don't know.
I know I have a promptness problem. How PC is that huh?
Thanks guys, I didn't know if I was being too sensitive.
I know I have a promptness problem. How PC is that huh?
Thanks guys, I didn't know if I was being too sensitive.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
In her defense? I've sponsored up to three women at one time who were in the process of taking the steps. I also have four children, a job, go to school full-time, and have other service commitments. I'll take a crisis call at any time -- doesn't matter if it's four a.m.
But when I set aside a specific time to work with them and they're a) late or b) don't show at all, I make note of that. My time wasn't worth anything when I was drinking. I threw it away. Now, it's full, and I'm more than happy to give my time, but a half hour of waiting could be a half hour I could spend doing something else.
Perhaps she was trying to show you that accountability and respect are things learned in this process. I don't consider it power tripping, though I've seen others who've done it. Maybe I've done it, too. I've heard many people say that the difference between being an alcoholic and a sober alcoholic is not only do I say I'm going to do things, I actually do them!
I know you've been working very hard, Karen, and dealing with a hard ass sponsor in the midst of a fourth step is, I'm sure, not easy. I don't know this woman, so I can't say this with certainty, but I will tell you that some of the folks I know with real quality long-term sobriety talk about having real hard asses for sponsors. Whatever you do with your frustration, don't drink!! It'd be a whole lot better to find another sponsor than throw in the towel!
(((Karen)))
Peace & Love,
Sugah
But when I set aside a specific time to work with them and they're a) late or b) don't show at all, I make note of that. My time wasn't worth anything when I was drinking. I threw it away. Now, it's full, and I'm more than happy to give my time, but a half hour of waiting could be a half hour I could spend doing something else.
Perhaps she was trying to show you that accountability and respect are things learned in this process. I don't consider it power tripping, though I've seen others who've done it. Maybe I've done it, too. I've heard many people say that the difference between being an alcoholic and a sober alcoholic is not only do I say I'm going to do things, I actually do them!
I know you've been working very hard, Karen, and dealing with a hard ass sponsor in the midst of a fourth step is, I'm sure, not easy. I don't know this woman, so I can't say this with certainty, but I will tell you that some of the folks I know with real quality long-term sobriety talk about having real hard asses for sponsors. Whatever you do with your frustration, don't drink!! It'd be a whole lot better to find another sponsor than throw in the towel!
(((Karen)))
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Did you ever consider that your sponsor's time is valuable and that that time could be given to some one who is willing and wants to participate in their own recovery?
There is only one time and that time is now-on time. There is One who has all power, that One is God-may you find him NOW. The only time to experience God is now. Learning to be punctual taught me to live in the now. Being perpetually late is an outward sign of an unmanageable life.
I've been called a harda** as well because I insist on punctuality. Well, I'm not as hard as whiskey. Alcoholics in early recovery (or in my case well into recovery) need structure and discipline. Simple disciplines such as calling at a certain time every day, or meeting at a certain time help to develop the necessary structure that will come in real handy later. I'm grateful that I didn't have the touchy-feely, do whatever you want kind of sponsorship. I would be dead.
If someone doesn't even care enough about their own life to show up, how can I help them? It's like if you don't care, I can't. But if I get any hint that you even care a little bit, I can't help but care.
Jim
There is only one time and that time is now-on time. There is One who has all power, that One is God-may you find him NOW. The only time to experience God is now. Learning to be punctual taught me to live in the now. Being perpetually late is an outward sign of an unmanageable life.
I've been called a harda** as well because I insist on punctuality. Well, I'm not as hard as whiskey. Alcoholics in early recovery (or in my case well into recovery) need structure and discipline. Simple disciplines such as calling at a certain time every day, or meeting at a certain time help to develop the necessary structure that will come in real handy later. I'm grateful that I didn't have the touchy-feely, do whatever you want kind of sponsorship. I would be dead.
If someone doesn't even care enough about their own life to show up, how can I help them? It's like if you don't care, I can't. But if I get any hint that you even care a little bit, I can't help but care.
Jim
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I meet with my sponsor once per week. He sets an hour outside of his busy schedule to go over the work with me, read the book, get quiet and just chat.
I live well over an hour away, and sometimes traffic in LA can be unpredictable.
I aim to be one hour early, even if that means telling my boss I have to leave the office early (that has actually not been an issue yet). Most of the time I am early and I will just get a coffee, sit in my car and read or listen to music until he gets there. He is always on time. If something comes up on either of our ends, which of course happens, I call and let him know if it will affect our meeting, and he does the same in return.
Everyone close to me (family friends employer), know that I 'have a commitment' on Wednesdays and nothing has come in the way of that (other than the death of a family member where I had to fly out of town immediately.)
Why do I do this? It certainly isn't my will...
I live well over an hour away, and sometimes traffic in LA can be unpredictable.
I aim to be one hour early, even if that means telling my boss I have to leave the office early (that has actually not been an issue yet). Most of the time I am early and I will just get a coffee, sit in my car and read or listen to music until he gets there. He is always on time. If something comes up on either of our ends, which of course happens, I call and let him know if it will affect our meeting, and he does the same in return.
Everyone close to me (family friends employer), know that I 'have a commitment' on Wednesdays and nothing has come in the way of that (other than the death of a family member where I had to fly out of town immediately.)
Why do I do this? It certainly isn't my will...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well... is often a symptom of passive agressive behavior.
I don't know if that is true of you or not.
No, I don't think your sponsor is wrong
I did fire a sponsee who was constantly tardy.
And yes! she finally finished her 4th
later with another sponsor.
Just do your 4th Karen ..there is no perfect way.
promptness problem.
I don't know if that is true of you or not.
No, I don't think your sponsor is wrong
I did fire a sponsee who was constantly tardy.
And yes! she finally finished her 4thlater with another sponsor.
Just do your 4th Karen ..there is no perfect way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
My Sponsor's hard and I'm equally hard on my Sponsees. We prefer to focus on important things and leave the piddly things alone. It's just like raising kids! You learn to pick the battles you wish to fight and which ones are even worth it.
One of the greatest rewards in an Alcoholics new life is the chance to 12th step. Appointments shouldn't be required!
One of the greatest rewards in an Alcoholics new life is the chance to 12th step. Appointments shouldn't be required!
No more merlot, more mamma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi Pink,
Are you saying calling late is a piddly thing? I just want to be clear as to what you are saying..
I'm tired and the brain ain't working that well :-).
Karen
Are you saying calling late is a piddly thing? I just want to be clear as to what you are saying..
I'm tired and the brain ain't working that well :-).
Karen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Originally Posted by merlotmamma 
Hi Pink,
Are you saying calling late is a piddly thing? I just want to be clear as to what you are saying..
Are you saying calling late is a piddly thing? I just want to be clear as to what you are saying..
No more merlot, more mamma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Ok. Got it.
Well, that's what we've been doing. But since she and I need to discuss my step work, she has set a specific time to do that. Sorta like we are meeting in person. So, by being late in calling, I really was being late for an appointment.
Thanks for your input!
Well, that's what we've been doing. But since she and I need to discuss my step work, she has set a specific time to do that. Sorta like we are meeting in person. So, by being late in calling, I really was being late for an appointment.
Thanks for your input!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
Sponsor's are alkies/addicts/humans too. And as such, are subject to azzhole moments like the rest of us. Or maybe its a rule of hers. It's hard for any of to suggest anything because we don't know both sides of the story. For example, maybe you had good reason; stuff does happen, stuff does come up.
Maybe it's one of here rules. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she just got some really ugly phone call right before yours. Only you and her know all this stuff.
Not all people who sponsor are good at it, or meant for it. None are perfect. However, you've worked with yours thru the first three steps, so something sounds right with the situation. I would simply suggest talking to her about it, and get it out in the open and up front, so you both know where you stand with it.
I'm by no means trying to bad mouth her, I hope you don't read this like that. Rather, I learned the hard way that sometimes we put sponsors on a pedestal, place high expectations on them that they can never meet, or something similar, and then the relationship starts to sour, or tanks altogether.
Maybe it's one of here rules. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she just got some really ugly phone call right before yours. Only you and her know all this stuff.
Not all people who sponsor are good at it, or meant for it. None are perfect. However, you've worked with yours thru the first three steps, so something sounds right with the situation. I would simply suggest talking to her about it, and get it out in the open and up front, so you both know where you stand with it.
I'm by no means trying to bad mouth her, I hope you don't read this like that. Rather, I learned the hard way that sometimes we put sponsors on a pedestal, place high expectations on them that they can never meet, or something similar, and then the relationship starts to sour, or tanks altogether.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
well..two folks replased recently...how long are you going to last?
my sponor use to pick time and date out of his butt..it called
about being prompt and self decipline.
I can appriciate that..I've been in the military
Yes, the will to do, be on time, be 15 mins early but wait for days
or week until i get damn paid.lol Notice how employers comes up with
all kinds of BS when stuff like that happens.lol
In the realm of being a productive member of society.
Personally it dosen't bother me if my helpers are late 5 mins give
or take. They can clock out 5 mins give or take.
Most of my employers don't care ..they put me on salery
for reasons..No freanken over time for me..lol my employer deem it
more appropricate that way.lol
I am persistance at asking for a raise thou..
it's a habit i got from calling my sponsor persistantly.lol
and i insist having things my way.lol
I get a raise consistantly too...
some people just complain about it.
well.. I'm not going to go ask a raise for them.
Now...if i miss a to trun in a multy million dollar bid....not dot the I..
and cross the T ss.. and most important..put the decimal piont
in the correct place..lol I can be late 5 hours a day for the next 20 years
and still wont be able to make up for mistakes like that...
yeah somewhere in the realm of... Pick your battle wisely.
hint..show up 15 mins early for your appiontment.
i don't know..it's a habit i got from doing service work..showing up at meetings 15 mins early.lol
it's not that big of a deal..i just set my clock 10 mins faster than the regulat time..there i changed myself.
my sponor use to pick time and date out of his butt..it called
about being prompt and self decipline.
I can appriciate that..I've been in the military
Yes, the will to do, be on time, be 15 mins early but wait for days
or week until i get damn paid.lol Notice how employers comes up with
all kinds of BS when stuff like that happens.lol
In the realm of being a productive member of society.
Personally it dosen't bother me if my helpers are late 5 mins give
or take. They can clock out 5 mins give or take.
Most of my employers don't care ..they put me on salery
for reasons..No freanken over time for me..lol my employer deem it
more appropricate that way.lol
I am persistance at asking for a raise thou..
it's a habit i got from calling my sponsor persistantly.lol
and i insist having things my way.lol
I get a raise consistantly too...
some people just complain about it.
well.. I'm not going to go ask a raise for them.
Now...if i miss a to trun in a multy million dollar bid....not dot the I..
and cross the T ss.. and most important..put the decimal piont
in the correct place..lol I can be late 5 hours a day for the next 20 years
and still wont be able to make up for mistakes like that...
yeah somewhere in the realm of... Pick your battle wisely.
hint..show up 15 mins early for your appiontment.
i don't know..it's a habit i got from doing service work..showing up at meetings 15 mins early.lol
it's not that big of a deal..i just set my clock 10 mins faster than the regulat time..there i changed myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 290
I do something which my friends find funny and quirky but I'm serious. If they tell me to meet them at 5:00 I say how about 4:45 that way if I am 10 minutes late I am still 5 minutes early. None of my friends ever get mad at me for being 5 minutes early.
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