Does wanting to sever ties make me a bad person?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Posts: 37
Does wanting to sever ties make me a bad person?
Hello everyone. I am new here and am grateful that I found this forum today. I hope that I don't ramble on and on, I just needed some insight from some people who might be able to relate to what I am going through.
I am a single 31 year old woman, currently in recovery from extreme depression and considering moving from the town I was born in and grew up in to make a new start. The only reason that I have lived here all of my life is because my mother is here and she and I used to be very close. Now she is almost unrecognizable to me and I can no longer bear to even speak to her on the phone. She has become extremely emotionally abusive to the point where she forces me to tears. Me a grown woman!
Growing up, my father was a severe alcoholic. He was never able to hold a job and was physically and emotionally abusive to my mother. She had 5 kids with this man of whom I am the youngest. When I was being born, my father was not even at the hospital, he was at a bar getting drunk. Though she finally divorced my father when I was 3 years old, my mother continued to let the man stay at our house, borrow money that she didn't have, eat our food, leave pornography around and sleep his benders off there. It was not until I was 16 years old and my mother began dating my late stepfather that that would stop, at my request. I confided in my stepfather was what happening and he ordered my mother to throw my father out. The entire time that my mother was married to my stepfather she never spoke of my father and showed a great deal of resentment towards him. I thought she had finally come to her senses.
My stepfather passed away two years ago and now my mother is back to her old ways. My father, still a chronic alcoholic is living off of my oldest sister (she and her husband pay his bills even though they just had a new baby) and my mother is now a new Catholic and insisting that I need to forgive my father and is now in constant contact with him again. She makes me feel like an evil person for not wanting him in my life.
She is also supporting my other older sister who is a chronic drug abuser. This sister has lost her car, her apartment and many jobs due to her chronic theft, lying and drug use. I cannot dare mention this to my mother because she likes to pretend that it does not exist. I do not have contact with my sister or my father for reasons VERY clear to me. Their illnesses have caused me great pain and put me in physical danger and they have NEVER wanted to get help and could care less about the pain they cause others. Forgiveness is one thing, but I personally do not feel that I have to have either one of them in my life while they are in the condition they are.
Throughout these past two years my mother has become a cold, mean spirited person. I called her a few weeks ago as I was very ill with a fever and wanted her to take me to a hospital. Her response was that she was too busy. I was hospitalized and treated for toxic shock syndrome (a very serious illness) with no mother or family there to comfort me. This latest episode has made me so angry and hurt that I have decided to sever ties with her. I am even thinking that it might be a good idea to move from my home town as all the pain and hurtful family members are here. I know people say that you shouldn't run away, and I don't see it as doing that. I see it as moving away from hurtful people so that they cannot continue to harm me in the way that they have.
I still can't help but feel guilty and like I am a bad person for wanting a new life. I am hoping someone here might offer me some advice. I know people are always stressing the importance of family etc. but what if one's family causes them too much mental aguish for them to bear anymore?
Thank you so much for listening.
Gemini
I am a single 31 year old woman, currently in recovery from extreme depression and considering moving from the town I was born in and grew up in to make a new start. The only reason that I have lived here all of my life is because my mother is here and she and I used to be very close. Now she is almost unrecognizable to me and I can no longer bear to even speak to her on the phone. She has become extremely emotionally abusive to the point where she forces me to tears. Me a grown woman!
Growing up, my father was a severe alcoholic. He was never able to hold a job and was physically and emotionally abusive to my mother. She had 5 kids with this man of whom I am the youngest. When I was being born, my father was not even at the hospital, he was at a bar getting drunk. Though she finally divorced my father when I was 3 years old, my mother continued to let the man stay at our house, borrow money that she didn't have, eat our food, leave pornography around and sleep his benders off there. It was not until I was 16 years old and my mother began dating my late stepfather that that would stop, at my request. I confided in my stepfather was what happening and he ordered my mother to throw my father out. The entire time that my mother was married to my stepfather she never spoke of my father and showed a great deal of resentment towards him. I thought she had finally come to her senses.
My stepfather passed away two years ago and now my mother is back to her old ways. My father, still a chronic alcoholic is living off of my oldest sister (she and her husband pay his bills even though they just had a new baby) and my mother is now a new Catholic and insisting that I need to forgive my father and is now in constant contact with him again. She makes me feel like an evil person for not wanting him in my life.
She is also supporting my other older sister who is a chronic drug abuser. This sister has lost her car, her apartment and many jobs due to her chronic theft, lying and drug use. I cannot dare mention this to my mother because she likes to pretend that it does not exist. I do not have contact with my sister or my father for reasons VERY clear to me. Their illnesses have caused me great pain and put me in physical danger and they have NEVER wanted to get help and could care less about the pain they cause others. Forgiveness is one thing, but I personally do not feel that I have to have either one of them in my life while they are in the condition they are.
Throughout these past two years my mother has become a cold, mean spirited person. I called her a few weeks ago as I was very ill with a fever and wanted her to take me to a hospital. Her response was that she was too busy. I was hospitalized and treated for toxic shock syndrome (a very serious illness) with no mother or family there to comfort me. This latest episode has made me so angry and hurt that I have decided to sever ties with her. I am even thinking that it might be a good idea to move from my home town as all the pain and hurtful family members are here. I know people say that you shouldn't run away, and I don't see it as doing that. I see it as moving away from hurtful people so that they cannot continue to harm me in the way that they have.
I still can't help but feel guilty and like I am a bad person for wanting a new life. I am hoping someone here might offer me some advice. I know people are always stressing the importance of family etc. but what if one's family causes them too much mental aguish for them to bear anymore?
Thank you so much for listening.
Gemini
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I see it as moving away from hurtful people so that they cannot continue to harm me in the way that they have.
Hopefully Desert Eyes (aka Mike) will come along soon and give you his story. It is very uplifting and can show you that detaching is not a bad thing.
You are not running away if you are making a concious decision to not continue to be harmed.
Or - put another way - let's say someone abducted you and were holding you hostage somewhere. Being held hostage is very emotionally and psychologically traumatic. And you had the chance to escape. Would you? Or would you stay with your captor because you didn't want to be considered a quitter?
You are an emotional hostage to your family. Removing yourself from that situation is not 'giving up' (and sometimes, giving up is also healthy - there is only so much one person can handle). Removing yourself from that situation is healthy, and can lead you to a path of recovery from your past if you choose to pursue that path.
If you do leave (or even if you don't) I strongly urge you to seek out secondary involvement to help you through the situation. It may be in the form of AlAnon, or CODA or a personal therapist, but I can pretty well assure you that you will need someone on the outside familiar with Adult Children issues to help you navigate your way to healthy behavior.
I do feel for you, and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do.
I also suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum, and those at the top of the 'friends and family' forum (especially those about handling guilt). They are very informative. You will find you are not alone, and you are not crazy, and you are not to blame, and leaving is not a show of weakness.
Welcome to the board, I hope it does as much good for you as it has for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
I still can't help but feel guilty and like I am a bad person for wanting a new life. I am hoping someone here might offer me some advice. I know people are always stressing the importance of family etc. but what if one's family causes them too much mental aguish for them to bear anymore?
You are not a bad person for wanting a new life. If these people were not your family, would you put up with the abuse they inflict on you?
I myself have had to learn about boundries, and have my expecations of what I would and would not tolerate in my life. One of them was with my dad, and while he was actively drinking, I chose to not allow that in my life. It wasn't that I was "cutting him off" or punishing him for something. He knew that was something I would not tolerate, and just as it was his decision to drink, it was my decision to refuse to have that in my life.
My mom never had a problem with drinking or drugs, however we had a very unhealthy relationship, and I have chosen to limit my contact with her for my own sanity. When I was fourceing myself to keep in touch with her more frequently, it made things worse because I became angry and resentful towards her, and often became rude to her on the phone. Once I stopped forcing myself, and only talk to her when I feel well enough, then things are ok between us.
If I had not put these limits, these boundries down, I would have litterly gone crazy. (well, I have done that before, but I would have stayed crazy!) Just because someone is family does not give them the right to be abusive or treat us in a bad way.
We can love our family, but hate how they act and how they treat us. That does not make anyone a bad person. You need to do what is right for you, do what is going to keep you healthy.
I know that is so much easier said than done. But if you are able to find support- whether from a therapist or Alanon, you will find that taking care of your self is really the only change you can make in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Gemini, and welcome to Sober Recovery, 
No it does not make you a bad person. The way you describe your biological parents it's very clear to me that you are a healthy person who is taking the appropriate action to protect yourself.
My biological parents were crazy drunks. I guess the politically correct term is "toxic family". Whatever you want to call it, they used and abused anything and anybody. As the oldest child I grew up being the only adult in the family, and learned how to be a "caretaker" and "rescuer". I always felt that is way my duty to be loyal to my family at all costs, and that sacrificing myself to help them was a noble cause.
What I have learned in my recovery is duty, loyalty and sacrifice are virtues, but only if applied in a balanced way. Too much of a virtue is just as bad as not enough.
One example that has helped me is that of a fireman rushing into a building to save somebody. The firemen do _not_ rush into the building wearing jeans and a t-shirt. They put on all kinds of protective gear, strap on oxygen tanks, masks, helmet and who knows what else. When the building is too far gone they get out, and say a prayer for anybody left inside.
This is what firemen do for people who are trapped in a fire thru no fault of their own.
My biological parents were _not_ trapped in the chaos and insanity of their lives thru no fault of their own. They were intentionally stirring up the "emotional fires" and creating chaos and destruction. They had the option to seek recovery, to find a shrink, to quit drinking and abusing. They chose to continue doing so.
If the guy in the building set the fire on purpose, after having set many other fires year after year, with the clear intention of causing harm to others, I would tell the firemen to stay out of the building. The guy inside is no dummy, if he set the fire then he can get his own self out.
I chose to stop rescuing "emotional pyromaniacs" and left my biological family to make a life of my own. At first I had _huge_ guilt. I have learned that many of my emotional responses, such as guilt, were twisted as a result of being raised in a toxic family. It took me a little while in various 12 step programs of recovery, and a couple good shrinks, to help me unravel my emotions.
Now I have a new family. I have a 93yr old "Mom" who is not my biological mother. She's a charming lady who is the 3rd step mom of my ex-wife. We are both Irish and just happened to hit it off. She has been more of Mom to me than my biological mother ever was. I have a number of other folks in my life that are wonderful friends and every bit a "family" as my biological one should have been.
Some day one of my surviving biological relatives may choose to get their life straightened out. If they do I will gladly share my experience, strength and hope with them. I will not return to my role of care-taker and rescuer because I understand now that it is harmful to me, and it also prevents them from realizing the harm that they cause to others. If they don't I will say a prayer for them.
There's a huge amount of resources available to us "Children of Alcoholics" with which we can recover from all the emotional injuries imposed on us. If you browse thru the "sticky" posts here and over in the "Friends and Family" forum you'll find all kinds of wonderful information. There are all kinds of groups where we can find support, such as the 12 step programs of Al-Anon and ACoA. There's support groups at churches, at colleges. There's lots of therapists and counselors that are knowledgeable in this area. Take your time to explore all this, pick and choose what you find useful and ignore the rest. Toss out some more questions here on this forum and join us as we all walk this "road of recovery". We're happy to have you here
Mike
Originally Posted by Gemini31
... Does wanting to sever ties make me a bad person? ...
My biological parents were crazy drunks. I guess the politically correct term is "toxic family". Whatever you want to call it, they used and abused anything and anybody. As the oldest child I grew up being the only adult in the family, and learned how to be a "caretaker" and "rescuer". I always felt that is way my duty to be loyal to my family at all costs, and that sacrificing myself to help them was a noble cause.
What I have learned in my recovery is duty, loyalty and sacrifice are virtues, but only if applied in a balanced way. Too much of a virtue is just as bad as not enough.
One example that has helped me is that of a fireman rushing into a building to save somebody. The firemen do _not_ rush into the building wearing jeans and a t-shirt. They put on all kinds of protective gear, strap on oxygen tanks, masks, helmet and who knows what else. When the building is too far gone they get out, and say a prayer for anybody left inside.
This is what firemen do for people who are trapped in a fire thru no fault of their own.
My biological parents were _not_ trapped in the chaos and insanity of their lives thru no fault of their own. They were intentionally stirring up the "emotional fires" and creating chaos and destruction. They had the option to seek recovery, to find a shrink, to quit drinking and abusing. They chose to continue doing so.
If the guy in the building set the fire on purpose, after having set many other fires year after year, with the clear intention of causing harm to others, I would tell the firemen to stay out of the building. The guy inside is no dummy, if he set the fire then he can get his own self out.
I chose to stop rescuing "emotional pyromaniacs" and left my biological family to make a life of my own. At first I had _huge_ guilt. I have learned that many of my emotional responses, such as guilt, were twisted as a result of being raised in a toxic family. It took me a little while in various 12 step programs of recovery, and a couple good shrinks, to help me unravel my emotions.
Now I have a new family. I have a 93yr old "Mom" who is not my biological mother. She's a charming lady who is the 3rd step mom of my ex-wife. We are both Irish and just happened to hit it off. She has been more of Mom to me than my biological mother ever was. I have a number of other folks in my life that are wonderful friends and every bit a "family" as my biological one should have been.
Some day one of my surviving biological relatives may choose to get their life straightened out. If they do I will gladly share my experience, strength and hope with them. I will not return to my role of care-taker and rescuer because I understand now that it is harmful to me, and it also prevents them from realizing the harm that they cause to others. If they don't I will say a prayer for them.
There's a huge amount of resources available to us "Children of Alcoholics" with which we can recover from all the emotional injuries imposed on us. If you browse thru the "sticky" posts here and over in the "Friends and Family" forum you'll find all kinds of wonderful information. There are all kinds of groups where we can find support, such as the 12 step programs of Al-Anon and ACoA. There's support groups at churches, at colleges. There's lots of therapists and counselors that are knowledgeable in this area. Take your time to explore all this, pick and choose what you find useful and ignore the rest. Toss out some more questions here on this forum and join us as we all walk this "road of recovery". We're happy to have you here
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Hi Gemini and welcome:
I severed ties with my mother about 11 years ago..Both my parents are unrecovered ACOA's..(actually my mom might be an A but I don't see her so I don't really know)..
Anyway, both my parents grew up in abusive households, had an extremely chaotic and abusive marriage of 30 years (both physical and mental) and in turn abused myself and my 2 siblings...
At 25 I had enough and stopped communicating with my mother..I've only seen her 2x in 11 years - my brother's funeral and my sister's wedding...
I've stopped feeling bad about not communicating with her and I've stopped explaining myself to the world..Anyone who knows my mother understands why I did what I did..
These past 11 years have given me time to reparent myself and to heal.. I'm finally at the point where I don't hate her anymore, I can actually forgive her for her mistakes and I'm slowly communicating with her through letters. She hasn't replied to me but that's ok. I'm doing my parent.
I have had lots of therapy, life coaching and finally Alanon to help me heal my toxic childhood.
Today I have a decent relationship with my father who has since remarried. I'm able to maintain good boundaries with him. Also I think it is easier since my dad has gotten therapy as well and is not the same angry person I grew up with.
Like Mike - I've found lots of wonderful people to be surrogate family to me. My great aunt of 80 has always been more of a mother to me then my real mother. I'm just lucky to have lots of people to love in my life.
As I said - I'm at a point in my recovery that I would like to attempt a reconsiliation with my mother. I think I have good enough boundaries that I could have a civil and superficial relationship with her. She is never going to be the warm and fuzzy mother I would have wanted but I can accept her for who she is today.
Of course - my mother is not at the point she wants to contact me yet and that's ok..I'll take it one day at a time.
I severed ties with my mother about 11 years ago..Both my parents are unrecovered ACOA's..(actually my mom might be an A but I don't see her so I don't really know)..
Anyway, both my parents grew up in abusive households, had an extremely chaotic and abusive marriage of 30 years (both physical and mental) and in turn abused myself and my 2 siblings...
At 25 I had enough and stopped communicating with my mother..I've only seen her 2x in 11 years - my brother's funeral and my sister's wedding...
I've stopped feeling bad about not communicating with her and I've stopped explaining myself to the world..Anyone who knows my mother understands why I did what I did..
These past 11 years have given me time to reparent myself and to heal.. I'm finally at the point where I don't hate her anymore, I can actually forgive her for her mistakes and I'm slowly communicating with her through letters. She hasn't replied to me but that's ok. I'm doing my parent.
I have had lots of therapy, life coaching and finally Alanon to help me heal my toxic childhood.
Today I have a decent relationship with my father who has since remarried. I'm able to maintain good boundaries with him. Also I think it is easier since my dad has gotten therapy as well and is not the same angry person I grew up with.
Like Mike - I've found lots of wonderful people to be surrogate family to me. My great aunt of 80 has always been more of a mother to me then my real mother. I'm just lucky to have lots of people to love in my life.
As I said - I'm at a point in my recovery that I would like to attempt a reconsiliation with my mother. I think I have good enough boundaries that I could have a civil and superficial relationship with her. She is never going to be the warm and fuzzy mother I would have wanted but I can accept her for who she is today.
Of course - my mother is not at the point she wants to contact me yet and that's ok..I'll take it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Venice, Florida
Posts: 414
Gemini,
Welcome and I do identify! You are NOT, I repeat NOT a bad person for wanting to relocate and detach. In some ways, emotional abuse is harder than physical, because the damage that is done is so invisible to others, even to ourselves.
I have an emotionally unstable mom and though my relationship with her isn't as severe as yours sounds to be, it is still painful and I have made some emotional detachments such as being very limiting in my time spent with her or talking to her on the phone. She has driven my brother and family away ( they moved 1500 miles away, when they had a new job opportunity about 3 years ago because of her manipulative behavior and emotional abuse.)
She and my Dad have been married for 52 years, but the last 7-8 have been hell for Dad as she is physically declined and he had to put her in a nursing home 3 years ago. To his credit, he still is her emotional caregiver, but it has had a cost, depression, anger and resulting in therapy! Fortunately, Dad and i have a very good, close relationship and that helps.
I started seeing my counselor about 6 weeks ago, again, as mom's emotional tirades have escalated. I set some new boundaries with her and she has a choice to accept them or not hear from me.
If you have not already seen a therapist, please consider it. It has helped me so much. If you have a clergy person or rabbai, that is also a good place to seek counsel.
Remember, that you are an adult and those tapes that play in your head from your youth are usually false. I am still trying to erase a lot of what mom programmed into my head!!
Perhaps seeking out an "Adult Children of Alcoholics" meeting near you would be of help.
Hang in there and what ever you decide, trust that you are making the best decision you can for your own mental health. And don't look back!!
Welcome and I do identify! You are NOT, I repeat NOT a bad person for wanting to relocate and detach. In some ways, emotional abuse is harder than physical, because the damage that is done is so invisible to others, even to ourselves.
I have an emotionally unstable mom and though my relationship with her isn't as severe as yours sounds to be, it is still painful and I have made some emotional detachments such as being very limiting in my time spent with her or talking to her on the phone. She has driven my brother and family away ( they moved 1500 miles away, when they had a new job opportunity about 3 years ago because of her manipulative behavior and emotional abuse.)
She and my Dad have been married for 52 years, but the last 7-8 have been hell for Dad as she is physically declined and he had to put her in a nursing home 3 years ago. To his credit, he still is her emotional caregiver, but it has had a cost, depression, anger and resulting in therapy! Fortunately, Dad and i have a very good, close relationship and that helps.
I started seeing my counselor about 6 weeks ago, again, as mom's emotional tirades have escalated. I set some new boundaries with her and she has a choice to accept them or not hear from me.
If you have not already seen a therapist, please consider it. It has helped me so much. If you have a clergy person or rabbai, that is also a good place to seek counsel.
Remember, that you are an adult and those tapes that play in your head from your youth are usually false. I am still trying to erase a lot of what mom programmed into my head!!
Perhaps seeking out an "Adult Children of Alcoholics" meeting near you would be of help.
Hang in there and what ever you decide, trust that you are making the best decision you can for your own mental health. And don't look back!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Posts: 37
Update!
Thank you everyone who posted for your thoughtful replies and advice. I took it all to heart. My mother went in yesterday for a surgery on her bladder, and my sister who has been living with her called me several times to update me on my mother's progress, and I couldn't even listen to the messages all the way - I just deleted them. My sister is stressing out and wanting me to come and help, but I just can't. I know that if I go and help my mother she will see that she can continue to emotionally badger me and I will still always come running to her side. I just can't let that continue. It's been hard not to pick up the phone as these actions of not being there for someone who is ill do not come easily to me at all. I have felt like crying pretty much all day. GUILT! The greatest side effect of having alcoholic/abusive parents!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
If guilt was an olympic event, we ACoA's would dominate!
I know it's hard for you to stay disengaged while all this is going on, and it sounds like you have a very fine line to walk with her illness. But you're right, if she learns that she can continue to get to you in some way, she will.
Hang in there.
I know it's hard for you to stay disengaged while all this is going on, and it sounds like you have a very fine line to walk with her illness. But you're right, if she learns that she can continue to get to you in some way, she will.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Awesome Gemini!
Sounds like you're doing a great job protecting your own needs and avoiding that emotional harm. And you're right about guilt, I've had days where I was an emotional wreck from guilt. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is that I have been able to get rid of the controlling guilt from my "toxic" childhood. The guilt I feel now is _real_ guilt, from when I goof up and have to apologize, and that is so much easier to deal with than the old guilt.
Keep comnig back, it's very encouraging to hear people share how they're doing good in life.
Mike
Sounds like you're doing a great job protecting your own needs and avoiding that emotional harm. And you're right about guilt, I've had days where I was an emotional wreck from guilt. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is that I have been able to get rid of the controlling guilt from my "toxic" childhood. The guilt I feel now is _real_ guilt, from when I goof up and have to apologize, and that is so much easier to deal with than the old guilt.
Keep comnig back, it's very encouraging to hear people share how they're doing good in life.
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
i find reading on detachment helps me. esp when i feel guilty, i feel responsible for others feelings and well being...im not. its not bad to put ourselves first, its actually sounding like a healthy option for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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detaching-guilt
Hi there, I can tell you my experience with this. My father was a textbook alcoholic all my life. My parents divorced when I was 8 but we continued a relationship. I would go over one night a week and he was not allowed to drive me, but sometimes he did and I'd have to grab the wheel....I'm sure I don;t have to tell you about these kind of things. Anyway finally after years and years of guilt and always trying to make him "like" me better to no avail (surprise surprise) I read a book called "Divorcing a Parent". I found it very helpful. So I did cut off ties when I was 26. Extremely hard, like a death. But my life was less stressed. I am 36 now, and last year I got a call from a stranger about my father passing away. I am having a hard time finding a place to "file" this in my brain. But, I still feel it was the best thing I did for myself. I still get very sad about it. A friend he spent his last days with gave me all of my fathers remaining belongings and there were things from his childhood that just kill me, like pictures from his childhood which was of course abusive. But in the end, and what I still think about today that helps me is a quote from that book, it was something like "when we cut off ties we picture the alcoholic pining over us.....but they are probably not". That helps me deal with my guilt......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello gutwrenched, and welcome to our little corner of recovery. Thanx for sharing about your father. I also went thru a lot of emotions when my biological father died a couple years ago. I wasn't able to fully detach from him until after he'd passed, but once I did the relief has been wonderful. I too get sad sometimes, for all that he missed out on in life. He could have bettered himself, but he chose not to, and to me that is the saddest part of his life.
I no longer feel guilt about my biological father. He chose his path in life and I chose not to allow him to hurt me any further, or to have the opportunity to hurt my kids. Took me a lot of recovery and a little therapy to get there but it's sure been worth it.
Welcome again, glad you decided to join us.
Mike
I no longer feel guilt about my biological father. He chose his path in life and I chose not to allow him to hurt me any further, or to have the opportunity to hurt my kids. Took me a lot of recovery and a little therapy to get there but it's sure been worth it.
Welcome again, glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome,
Ive had trouble with domminating folks.Couldnt figure out why i atract, them,lol.I mean geesh,theyd practly try to take over my life.Telling me what to do,how i need to do it,,etc,,etc.Made me mad,i needed to get free from them.So for a while i seprated myself from them,in the meantime learning a new way to deal,to tolerate others.I was the problem,not them.What was i doing that made them feel so comphy ram-sacking me,lol?What i found out was that they zoomed in on my weakness.Through my manner,the way i talked etc,,etc.It told them ok,zoom in.As i am doing the do things in recovery,working on the 12 steps,asking God,to change me,i found those weakness eventually left me.Bit by bit i practiced the new me,on them,eventually getting to the point that they no longer anger me anymore.Try to control.Today i no longer attract domminating folks,that have plans,for me,lol,they have gone elsewheres when they find ,their stuff,isnt,working.I canged.
A geographical cure may work for a short period of time,but wherever i go,there i am.I needed to work on me,to be in fellowship with all kinds of others.
My best to you,
Ive had trouble with domminating folks.Couldnt figure out why i atract, them,lol.I mean geesh,theyd practly try to take over my life.Telling me what to do,how i need to do it,,etc,,etc.Made me mad,i needed to get free from them.So for a while i seprated myself from them,in the meantime learning a new way to deal,to tolerate others.I was the problem,not them.What was i doing that made them feel so comphy ram-sacking me,lol?What i found out was that they zoomed in on my weakness.Through my manner,the way i talked etc,,etc.It told them ok,zoom in.As i am doing the do things in recovery,working on the 12 steps,asking God,to change me,i found those weakness eventually left me.Bit by bit i practiced the new me,on them,eventually getting to the point that they no longer anger me anymore.Try to control.Today i no longer attract domminating folks,that have plans,for me,lol,they have gone elsewheres when they find ,their stuff,isnt,working.I canged.
A geographical cure may work for a short period of time,but wherever i go,there i am.I needed to work on me,to be in fellowship with all kinds of others.
My best to you,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Venice, Florida
Posts: 414
This thread could not have been ressurected at a better time. I am once again in the middle of strife with my Mother. She is a controller, master mainpulator and Food addict. She has once again pushed the last button. It is funny that I continue to say " I will never let her do that to me again" but I guess once your mom always your mom. As much as I dislike her as a person, I do love her because she was an adequate Mom in my early years. It is only in her later years that her behavior has intensified.
I am working on the feelings of guilt I have because I want to sever ties with her. She has mental health issues she can't or won't deal with. It is unhealthy for me a recovering addict to be around her. I am trusting my God to show me the way and I know I will come through this a better person.
I am working on the feelings of guilt I have because I want to sever ties with her. She has mental health issues she can't or won't deal with. It is unhealthy for me a recovering addict to be around her. I am trusting my God to show me the way and I know I will come through this a better person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I often struggle with guilt. Sometimes you just have to do the action that you rationally know is best for you, then sit with the guilt. I am living proof that eventually you won't feel as guilty, you'll start to feel as though taking care of YOU is perfectly 'normal' (whatever that is!) and the guilt part quits making such a strong statement inside you.
I still work on having to do things that I know I will feel guilty about, but in the long run, I also know it's best for me, so I do the action, and let the guilt be what it is. I don't try to pretend that I'm not feeling guilty, I acknowledge the emotion, but then say "I'm feeling guilty, but I did what was best for me, and that's what I needed to do." The guilt does dissipate over time.
I still work on having to do things that I know I will feel guilty about, but in the long run, I also know it's best for me, so I do the action, and let the guilt be what it is. I don't try to pretend that I'm not feeling guilty, I acknowledge the emotion, but then say "I'm feeling guilty, but I did what was best for me, and that's what I needed to do." The guilt does dissipate over time.
fairyprincess
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South Jordan, UT
Posts: 25
I moved away from my whole family...they seemed to think they could say or do anything mean spirited because they were family....but I've been away for over 16 years...now and again I have contact through funerals, weddings, or what ever, but I do not personally share. I am congenial, but not personable. There is a quote about friends being like elevators, they either bring you up or take you down. I think this applies to family also and what logic is there in staying in any situation that does not elevate you and those around you?? Forget about guilt, common sense rules in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 257
this is driected to the original poster
does it make you a bad person to want to cut ties with your dad? NO
however you CANNOT do that. what you need to realize weither you believe it or not your dad NEEDS you now more then ever, the fact is (and this is based on what my dad has said to me) you are most likely the reason he has not ended it already you are quite possibly his ONLY reason for living if you say "screw it I quit" then there is no hope your dad will get better
I learned this from m,y dad when he told me something along the lines of "if it wasnt for you I wouldnt be here right now
does it make you a bad person to want to cut ties with your dad? NO
however you CANNOT do that. what you need to realize weither you believe it or not your dad NEEDS you now more then ever, the fact is (and this is based on what my dad has said to me) you are most likely the reason he has not ended it already you are quite possibly his ONLY reason for living if you say "screw it I quit" then there is no hope your dad will get better
I learned this from m,y dad when he told me something along the lines of "if it wasnt for you I wouldnt be here right now
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