married to a father figure
fairyprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South Jordan, UT
Posts: 25
married to a father figure
Anyone had or having the experience of marriage or relationship with a parent figure/parent child relationship??? I believe I have just identified that thats what I am in...how to go about changing the dynamics...can they be changed??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Not me princess, sorry. Do you want to share how you figured out that you are in that kind of dynamics? That way I may be able to suggest some books or 12-step work that might be relevant. Could also help other folks who are struggling with the same issues that you are.
Mike
Mike
fairyprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South Jordan, UT
Posts: 25
well mike I'll tell ya....As my husband was asking me if I love him and how I love him I spent a lot of time pondering....well, I thought, it's comfortable, warm, not a grand passion, companionable, respectful....just like I would imagine I should have felt for a parent...he is always telling me the best way to do things, how to think, feel, react.....I feel basically I have let him parent me throughout the last 17 years because that's what I needed, so is it any wonder I would have parent type feelings for him. Now it's time to parent myself and change the dynamics or else the marraige won't last... so that's it in a nut shell....
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 780
((((Fairyprincess))))
Yes, it is time to change you. I can speak from experience on this subject, I have lived it for 33 years.
I have the same exact thoughts you do about your husband about mine.
He is a wonderful, sharing, giving man, and always provided and gave to me. The only thing he didn't give me was respect for my own thoughts and feelings.
It's not totally his fault. I was scared and weak and would follow anything he said. Why, he knew best and what did I know? That is how I felt for years. I am not saying he thought I was ignorant nor submissive, I wasn't.
I just always thought he knew best.
Now, 33 years later, I am divorced.
He and I love and respect each other immensely. I speak to him frequently but I moved away, far away from him and our grown children.
It was hell at first. I was lonely (still am) and very very afraid. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it. He was like a parent to me, really. Even now he tells me what he thinks is best for me but NOW he corrects himself and says: "I am sorry. I cannot tell you what to do with your life" But now, I am comfortable with myself, knowing I have a voice, and choices that I alone can make without consultation or approval. (I am not saying we don't do this in marriage, it is a partnership and consultation and agreement between two is a good, and necessary thing)
We are both growing. The man loves me with his whole heart and soul, and I love him back, as you described..."not a grand passion, comfortable and warm" but I do love him, and enjoy his sense of humor, too.
We may or may not get back together, but I will NEVER lose touch with him.
I am jsut now venturing into unknown waters that I needed to go into when I was in my thirties. I want a degree in Philosophy and that is my goal now...I am already set for the fall semester. It is wonderful to think and feel on my own, knowing it's not ever a wrong choice.
As Shakespeare said:
"Nothing is right or wrong, but thinking makes it so..."
I don't know if this has helped you or not, but there is a huge hope for your marriage IF YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST.
Then, everything falls into place. That is what I neglected to do...take care of me first.
Take Care, feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk...
Peace,
Wolfstarr
Now it's time to parent myself and change the dynamics or else the marraige won't last... so that's it in a nut shell....
I have the same exact thoughts you do about your husband about mine.
He is a wonderful, sharing, giving man, and always provided and gave to me. The only thing he didn't give me was respect for my own thoughts and feelings.
It's not totally his fault. I was scared and weak and would follow anything he said. Why, he knew best and what did I know? That is how I felt for years. I am not saying he thought I was ignorant nor submissive, I wasn't.
I just always thought he knew best.
Now, 33 years later, I am divorced.
He and I love and respect each other immensely. I speak to him frequently but I moved away, far away from him and our grown children.
It was hell at first. I was lonely (still am) and very very afraid. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it. He was like a parent to me, really. Even now he tells me what he thinks is best for me but NOW he corrects himself and says: "I am sorry. I cannot tell you what to do with your life" But now, I am comfortable with myself, knowing I have a voice, and choices that I alone can make without consultation or approval. (I am not saying we don't do this in marriage, it is a partnership and consultation and agreement between two is a good, and necessary thing)
We are both growing. The man loves me with his whole heart and soul, and I love him back, as you described..."not a grand passion, comfortable and warm" but I do love him, and enjoy his sense of humor, too.
We may or may not get back together, but I will NEVER lose touch with him.
I am jsut now venturing into unknown waters that I needed to go into when I was in my thirties. I want a degree in Philosophy and that is my goal now...I am already set for the fall semester. It is wonderful to think and feel on my own, knowing it's not ever a wrong choice.
As Shakespeare said:
"Nothing is right or wrong, but thinking makes it so..."
I don't know if this has helped you or not, but there is a huge hope for your marriage IF YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST.
Then, everything falls into place. That is what I neglected to do...take care of me first.
Take Care, feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk...
Peace,
Wolfstarr
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