Vandall

Hi-

I just found this site yesterday, while searching for any help on being an ACOA. I have just completed reading Adult Children of Alcoholics, and am so confused...

Here is my situation, my confusion does not stem from me wondering if I am an ACOA, at all. For the first time in my life, I know what I am. I have been to AA, NA, and have found that really I could go to any 12 step program that covers addiction. Lately it has been gambling, before it was perscription drugs, as a teenager it was meth and so on. I always went to AA, I had a hard time hearing people talk about drugs all the time without wanting to use. I have stayed clean, but did begin drinking again a couple years after I quit drugs... I think my point in telling you all this I am confused if I am truly an addict/alcoholic/emotional eater/ etc. I realize I am at great risk, because of my father but I run to anything when the pain is great. Or when triggers trigger me into total rage. I guess the addiction thing is something I will explore also, I just dont' see how if I was an addict, I could stop, (when caught) and not think about it again. I can obsess on anything and everything.... at one point I was addicted to cleaning supplies, and I don't even clean!

So, here is my issue now, and my confusion.... I am married with 3 small children, a 5 year old daughter and twin 3 year old boys. I would love to sit here and tell you I have this wonderful supportive husband, and he is wonderful in so many ways.... I don't have to work, I have help with my kids, I can shop whenever I want.... he forgave my past perscription addiction... he kept warning me that if I continued to go to the casino he would leave me... (after 6 threats now he finally has had it) In the ACOA book it talks about the obsession to do something once it's in our head, we do it no matter the consequences. I love my husband, I can't believe I thought he would continue to take it, covering my debt etc.

I have been in therapy off and on for 13 years, I was sexually abused as a child, and my first 8 years were dealing with that. After I had my twins I started going back, mainly for my marriage, because although my husband and I love each other, we are both very passionate, and we disagree on a lot! My biggest reason for therapy is he can't be there for me emotionally. (shocker) My father was the alcoholic in my family, and I really feel like that book was written about me. For the first time in my life, I feel like someone understands me. That book and all characteristics are me to a tee. So on one hand I have complete relief... but because of my lieing, (this time about the casino) my husband doesn't know if he wants to stay in the marriage. He is so mad, hurt, betrayed... I understand all of it. But, I don't feel like I should have to wait forever for an answer either he wants to stay married and forgive me or he doesn't.... He wants me to "work on me" and he'll see what he wants to do... I mean I love that he wants me to work on me.... but now that I know why I am the way I am.... I want him involved. I want him to share in this journey. I want to tell him my fears and share in my recovery. At the end of the ACOA book, it says if you are in a relationship, Encourage working on this process together.

Now, I do need to say that my husband childhood was as horrific as mine. He didn't grow up with an alcoholic, but this book is also him to a tee. (dysfunctional family) I won't go into anything about him, because this is about me. I am afraid that if he isn't involved in this, I will grow apart from him, and realize this relationship is unhealthy, toxic, etc. (abandonment I know) but I really believe if he would go through this process with me, it would help him also.

So what do I do? It's very hard for me to live in the same house with him. (We do this for our children) He wants me to go to a rehab, and get help. I have yet to find a place to detox me from a casino, I haven't touched a drink or drug in months. I want to work on me, and every feeling and emotion that has made me this unhappy, depressed person. But I know it's a process not an event, and I am not going to get cured in 30 days. My children are young enough right now, that there is very little damage, they have never seen any drinking, drugs etc. Except they are learning all the behaviors, I learned and my husband learned as a child.

Do I do this alone? If I grow without him, that's what's meant to be? I want to get rid of this pain, this depression, this ugly black cloud over me and my life. I am sick of faking it, putting a smile on my face, like everything is just great! I am afraid, because my husband wants his wife back... but who is his wife? I don't even know her.

Please help me.....

Sorry so long.

dollhouse

I read your story and found it very intresting.Iam an addict.I too had some tough choises in my first year of recovery.I was married for 11 years.I used something for most of my live.During the time I was married I used.It got really bad,but no one knew about my using,I was able to hide it from every one and was very good at it.My husband never knew.When I hit my bottem and desided to get some help cuze I got really sick.My soul died.Anyway when my husband fanilly found out it blew him away.He in turn thought our whole marriage was a lie.He also was ashamed that his wife was a junkie.When I was in hospital we tried to rekidle our love.I was 90 days clean when I came into the rooms of N.A.It was all good but my husband could not fix me anymore [like he always did] I had to fix me.So in doing that I guess I left him behide.He realazied he couldn't control me anymore.When to 2 differant marriage concelers,frote every day for 6 months.He was not willing to change or reconize his part.He would say things like I was being brainwashed by those people,did not what any thing to do with those people and the best was how can I all of a sudden belive in a power greater than him.One of the hardest things I have done in my recovery is tell my husband to leave.Simply I chose my recovery over my husband.Its a hard chiose to make.We also have 2 childern.Today we have been seperated for 2 and a half years.I would not change it,cause I would not be the person I am today...I belive with all my heart it was the right chiose for me,for if I was still with him I would probabaly be dead.Sometimes in recovey we have to leave loved ones behind.Well I hope my story helps.....Keep coming back.

Vandall

Your story does help, a lot. I guess I know this to be true. I think facing the truth just hurts soemtimes. Is it wierd though that my husband is from Burlington, Ontario... that is so close to you! My unhealthy behavior tells me this is some sign from God. ( another thing my husband doesn't beleive in) As funny as it sounds, I feel I could handle the end of our marriage, if I knew now. Kinda like I want to tackle it all at once. I don't know if that makes any sense. Thank you for your reply. I kept checking back hoping someone would answer tonight and give me some peace of mind.

GettingFree

Hi Vandall,

Welcome. This is a great place to get info and hear and share the experiences of others. I'm sorry you're going through such pain and confusion right now. I understand what it is like not knowing the future of a marriage or relationship and to feel in limbo. It's a tough place to be.

As tough as it is though, I also understand your husband's experience too. Getting over deceipt or betrayal and rebuilding trust takes time. I don't know the kind of time frame you're talking about and the last time you gambled and lied about it. But if it was in recent times, it may be unrealistic to expect him to be able to quickly put it aside and embrace your commitment to recovery, and join you alongside. In fact, the best thing for him may be to go to seek his own therapy, rather than couple counselling at this point -- or seek out alanon meetings.

The point is that both of you probably have a lot of hurt and damage going on -- both from your early childhoods and the re-wounding experienced in the marriage. It may be helpful to give it time, and really both of you work on yourselves, and if you both are committed to that process, not make any quick decisions about the marriage.

It may mean still living in limbo for a while and that your husband won't be able to say definitively he wants to stay in the marriage right now. But in the meantime, you'll both be working on yourselves.

A big part of my own recovery has been learning how to manage uncertainty and know that the world won't fall apart if I don't have answers or solutions today. I have been very slowly getting better at turning things over and accepting that I may not know how this is going to turn out, but that I will be okay however it does.

best
gf

DesertEyes

Hello Vandall, and welcome to SoberRecovery

You are in the right place here. I am also recovering from "toxic" parents who were alcoholics. If you take a little time to browse thru the posts you'll see that most folks who suffer from any _one_ addiction can easily switch to another one. I do not suffer from an _addiction_, I suffer from an _addictive personality_.

Try some different meetings. I have found Al-Anon to be very helpful for me. You might also try Gamblers Anonymous. Finding a good meeting is a little like finding a good dentist, you have to do a little shopping around.

Definetly go to therapy alone. That will help you deal with your own issues and show you how to find yourself again. Once you've done some work on yourself and your husband sees how your _actions_ demonstrate your progress he will be much more willing to go to counseling with you, or some other such therapy with you. Just like finding a good meeting, you may have to shop around a little to find a good counselor.

Keep us posted on how you're doing. We're glad to have you join us in recovery.

Mike

Vandall

First of all I want to say Thank you to all who replied to my message. I have decided to check myself into a rehab/recovery house. I think my first step is getting clean/sober and gamble free. I have to work on me. And hopefully everything else will fall into place from there. I have to be the one to break this cycle for my kids.
Thanks for all the support, I'll message you my progress when I return, or have access to a computer!

GingerM

It sounds to me like your major concern is your marriage. While this is a noble concern, your primary concern should be saving YOU. Or, as my psychiatrist once told me, you're not worth a damn to anyone else unless you get yourself in a good position.

You can ask your husband to ride this out with you and hope that he does, although I can see why he would be leary about waiting given the history. You can also tell him that you're going to rehab because you want to fix YOU, not because of him. Let him know that you're dead serious about fixing things.

And then, after you've done a good bit of work on you, if your husband is still around, I strongly recommend marriage counselling. It sounds like you each play your own internal struggles off of each other, which is neither helpful nor healing. Finding a way to not do that (either with your husband or with any other person in your life) will help you find peace much easier.

Yes, we all are poised on the precipice of our own addiction. It doesn't have to be a substance - it can be video games, books, television, other people (this is where stalkers come from), hair pulling, self mutilation...any number of not-so-good-for-you obsessions.

I wish you very much strength and very much luck. I believe it takes a combination of strength, determination and luck. Luck you can't do much about, the other two are completely in your control.

utopia

love to you. you will find the way.

GettingFree

Vandall -- this is a great decision and it's great that you're seeing you must be the focus now, not the marriage. Keep us posted.