Needed to share tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Needed to share tonight
I am grateful to Alanon that I have found a measure of peace and serenity. As I work the program, I realize how grateful I am
But today, an old addictive friend, epression, came back to take that serenity away.
I realized how much alcoholism has robbed me from a life that I had wanted. Though I am grateful for what i do have, I realize the one thing I have missed all my life was love. I was able to buy a house, cars and material possesions, make friends now and then, but I realized I have never been in love in my entire life. The disease of alcoholism robbed me of self-esteem and kept fear and sadness as a main stay of my life. And along with that came such a deep fear of intimacy, that i was never able to establish a relationship where love was part of my life.
Only now am I slowly learning to love myself. And I am grateful that now I am at 45, but I am sad at a life missed.
Most days now I have hope for new education, a new place to live, and maybe in meeting new people, I will find that one part I have always wished for. It doesn't seem fair does it? A disease so insideous, that an entire life can be ruined simply because of alcohol.
I prayed again today that my higher power will hear me. I feel older everyday and that time is passing me bye. I hope I have healed enough to let go of those fears, and be open now to what may await. I pray this shall be so.
Ken
But today, an old addictive friend, epression, came back to take that serenity away.
I realized how much alcoholism has robbed me from a life that I had wanted. Though I am grateful for what i do have, I realize the one thing I have missed all my life was love. I was able to buy a house, cars and material possesions, make friends now and then, but I realized I have never been in love in my entire life. The disease of alcoholism robbed me of self-esteem and kept fear and sadness as a main stay of my life. And along with that came such a deep fear of intimacy, that i was never able to establish a relationship where love was part of my life.
Only now am I slowly learning to love myself. And I am grateful that now I am at 45, but I am sad at a life missed.
Most days now I have hope for new education, a new place to live, and maybe in meeting new people, I will find that one part I have always wished for. It doesn't seem fair does it? A disease so insideous, that an entire life can be ruined simply because of alcohol.
I prayed again today that my higher power will hear me. I feel older everyday and that time is passing me bye. I hope I have healed enough to let go of those fears, and be open now to what may await. I pray this shall be so.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hi Ken,
I'm sorry you're going through a bit of depression right now. It sounds like what you're experiencing is grief. I know it well. I've done a alot of crying over the past. Over the dreams I had that I didn't end up living. Over the toxic relationships I've had. Over choices I made that limited other choices.
When I get to that grief place, I've learned I simplly have to let it out. I have to cry and honor the grief. And then move towards compassion for myself. Instead of beating myself up for what I did or didn't do, I see how I came to make the choices I did, because of who I was then, which all stemmed back to my experiences as a child.
In some way it just plain sucks that because of my two parents were so incapable of providing love and nurturing that I developed a whole bunch of ways to cope, manage and fill that need that did not serve me well. It sucks that it sabatoged my goals and dreams.
But then I also do something really important. Take perspective. As bad as I think it may be or has been, I also have some wonderful accomplishments and joys in my life. I've done well in a career that enabled me to support my children as a single mother - it may not have been the career I dreamed of, but I did it well and it let me take care of my family. I raised 3 children, much of the time by myself, and I love them fiercely. I don't have a lot of money, but I own my home (well, me and the bank), and have a bit of savings.
And now I get to restock, so to speak, in my recovery. I have made a decision about changing careers that will be more fulfilling and be more in synch with my values, and am taking steps in that direction. I have made a decision about my present career that will hopefully give me a abetter work/life balance. And I am finally in a relationship with a man I love and feel loved by, and am hopeful we will have a life together being one another's closest friend.
No, I didn't have that for the first 40+ years of my life. But I plan to live for another good ol' 40 or so.
You've done a lot of stock-taking too and it sounds like there are some really solid things ahead of you. Stay open and let love in -- wherever it comes from.
best
gf
I'm sorry you're going through a bit of depression right now. It sounds like what you're experiencing is grief. I know it well. I've done a alot of crying over the past. Over the dreams I had that I didn't end up living. Over the toxic relationships I've had. Over choices I made that limited other choices.
When I get to that grief place, I've learned I simplly have to let it out. I have to cry and honor the grief. And then move towards compassion for myself. Instead of beating myself up for what I did or didn't do, I see how I came to make the choices I did, because of who I was then, which all stemmed back to my experiences as a child.
In some way it just plain sucks that because of my two parents were so incapable of providing love and nurturing that I developed a whole bunch of ways to cope, manage and fill that need that did not serve me well. It sucks that it sabatoged my goals and dreams.
But then I also do something really important. Take perspective. As bad as I think it may be or has been, I also have some wonderful accomplishments and joys in my life. I've done well in a career that enabled me to support my children as a single mother - it may not have been the career I dreamed of, but I did it well and it let me take care of my family. I raised 3 children, much of the time by myself, and I love them fiercely. I don't have a lot of money, but I own my home (well, me and the bank), and have a bit of savings.
And now I get to restock, so to speak, in my recovery. I have made a decision about changing careers that will be more fulfilling and be more in synch with my values, and am taking steps in that direction. I have made a decision about my present career that will hopefully give me a abetter work/life balance. And I am finally in a relationship with a man I love and feel loved by, and am hopeful we will have a life together being one another's closest friend.
No, I didn't have that for the first 40+ years of my life. But I plan to live for another good ol' 40 or so.
You've done a lot of stock-taking too and it sounds like there are some really solid things ahead of you. Stay open and let love in -- wherever it comes from.
best
gf
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Ken, I'm really sorry you're feeling so down. I think we all go through these periods, even if we've worked out most of our issues (or gotten them as worked out as they ever will be). Yes, there was a big hunk of your life you 'missed out' on.
When I get into those funks (I prefer the term 'funk' for myself, because if I label it 'depression', I'm more likely to wallow in it...that's just me) I make a concious effort to take myself back to a period of time and reset the stage. I try to put myself back into the frame of mind I was in then, the circumstances that existed, and the information I had available to me. Then I ask "under the exact same circumstances, would I still make the same choice". Almost without exception, the answer is yes. Which means I did the best I could with what I had available to me at the time.
It makes me feel better to think this way, as it means I now have more available to me - more coping mechanisms, more ability to set boundaries, more understanding of what makes me tick and how to not get sucked into situations that are detrimental to me (on whatever scale). Then, instead of feeling down, I feel up - I could have spent my entire life not ever figuring it out (as many do, I see them, I'm related to them).
And (not trying to be morbid here, but it will sound that way in text) realistically, we are all just a few moments away from death. One car accident, one problem with a propane barbeque, one mistake with a powertool. One whatever. We never know. So I take my new abilities and knowledge and freedoms from the past, and I revel in them, knowing that if my few moments happen today, at least I didn't spend my entire life in misery and denial. I hope that makes some sense and isn't too dark.
(((Ken))) One day at a time.
When I get into those funks (I prefer the term 'funk' for myself, because if I label it 'depression', I'm more likely to wallow in it...that's just me) I make a concious effort to take myself back to a period of time and reset the stage. I try to put myself back into the frame of mind I was in then, the circumstances that existed, and the information I had available to me. Then I ask "under the exact same circumstances, would I still make the same choice". Almost without exception, the answer is yes. Which means I did the best I could with what I had available to me at the time.
It makes me feel better to think this way, as it means I now have more available to me - more coping mechanisms, more ability to set boundaries, more understanding of what makes me tick and how to not get sucked into situations that are detrimental to me (on whatever scale). Then, instead of feeling down, I feel up - I could have spent my entire life not ever figuring it out (as many do, I see them, I'm related to them).
And (not trying to be morbid here, but it will sound that way in text) realistically, we are all just a few moments away from death. One car accident, one problem with a propane barbeque, one mistake with a powertool. One whatever. We never know. So I take my new abilities and knowledge and freedoms from the past, and I revel in them, knowing that if my few moments happen today, at least I didn't spend my entire life in misery and denial. I hope that makes some sense and isn't too dark.
(((Ken))) One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Yo Ken,
You got some awesome growth going there. Sorry to hear you're going thru some depression.
As far as what the diseaese robs from us, I find that when I think about that I am looking into the past instead of into my future. I learned how to look into the future from my Mom. She's 93yrs old, lives in a senior apartment complex and has out-lived 3 husbands. Be careful never to call her a widow cuz she'll get in your face and tell you she is _single_. She has _two_ boyfriends to prove it, both of whom are over 100yrs old. When I go visit her she parks me at the front door to distract Conrad while she hustles Homes out the back door.
If she is not looking at what she's lost over the last 93yrs, why should I?
Mike
You got some awesome growth going there. Sorry to hear you're going thru some depression.
As far as what the diseaese robs from us, I find that when I think about that I am looking into the past instead of into my future. I learned how to look into the future from my Mom. She's 93yrs old, lives in a senior apartment complex and has out-lived 3 husbands. Be careful never to call her a widow cuz she'll get in your face and tell you she is _single_. She has _two_ boyfriends to prove it, both of whom are over 100yrs old. When I go visit her she parks me at the front door to distract Conrad while she hustles Homes out the back door.
If she is not looking at what she's lost over the last 93yrs, why should I?
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Yes of course. And again, I thank you all for your friendship and fellowship.
What a difference a day makes.
When I was in last nights meeting, I talked openly for the first time about my feelings on this. And as I was doing so, it all began to make sense to me. It was something my first sponser said to me about a daily reading in Hope for today from March 14th. It was essentially the 12-steps explained. The word he used was GOMK, and he learned after all his time in the program about dividing the steps into four sections of three steps. Steps 1-3 are G for Giving Up. Steps 4-6 are O for opening up. Steps 7-9 are M for making up, and steps 10-12 are K for keeping up.
I have been in alanon for 6 1/2 months. I recently finished step 3 and am beginning step 4. And it is true, in the first three steps I learned to give up my will, except my powerlessness, and give in to my higher power which truly does bring me peace. These next steps are about opening up, and I realized sitting there, this was exactly what I was doing. Finally after all these 45 years, I was finally starting to open up and share. And now that I know, I want to open up as much as possible and free myself from what I have been carrying and living all these years.
I know in my heart I am right on course, right on schedule, and am exactly where I need to be.
In remembering everything I learned from my spirituality, my alanon literature, my therapy, my books I read, that we really are all the same. For me, there are two realities. The human existence and the spiritual one. I may have lived a life with much good and not so good, but ultimately, I am perfect simply as I am. And I think that is what this program is teaching me. regardless of our chosen path, we are all ok just as we are, unique, precious, and the universe is always in balance, only sometimes I forget that it is. And only when I forget, does that depression or anxiety or any negative emotion come back.
I realized that I was never really ready for love before. Only now I am learning too. By loving myself, and loving everyone else as an expression of what we all are. That divine nature of our higher power.
So like they say, keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it, your worth it
Namaste'
Ken
What a difference a day makes.
When I was in last nights meeting, I talked openly for the first time about my feelings on this. And as I was doing so, it all began to make sense to me. It was something my first sponser said to me about a daily reading in Hope for today from March 14th. It was essentially the 12-steps explained. The word he used was GOMK, and he learned after all his time in the program about dividing the steps into four sections of three steps. Steps 1-3 are G for Giving Up. Steps 4-6 are O for opening up. Steps 7-9 are M for making up, and steps 10-12 are K for keeping up.
I have been in alanon for 6 1/2 months. I recently finished step 3 and am beginning step 4. And it is true, in the first three steps I learned to give up my will, except my powerlessness, and give in to my higher power which truly does bring me peace. These next steps are about opening up, and I realized sitting there, this was exactly what I was doing. Finally after all these 45 years, I was finally starting to open up and share. And now that I know, I want to open up as much as possible and free myself from what I have been carrying and living all these years.
I know in my heart I am right on course, right on schedule, and am exactly where I need to be.
In remembering everything I learned from my spirituality, my alanon literature, my therapy, my books I read, that we really are all the same. For me, there are two realities. The human existence and the spiritual one. I may have lived a life with much good and not so good, but ultimately, I am perfect simply as I am. And I think that is what this program is teaching me. regardless of our chosen path, we are all ok just as we are, unique, precious, and the universe is always in balance, only sometimes I forget that it is. And only when I forget, does that depression or anxiety or any negative emotion come back.
I realized that I was never really ready for love before. Only now I am learning too. By loving myself, and loving everyone else as an expression of what we all are. That divine nature of our higher power.
So like they say, keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it, your worth it
Namaste'
Ken
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Originally Posted by kennethhoff
I am perfect simply as I am. we are all ok just as we are, unique, precious, and the universe is always in balance, only sometimes I forget that it is.
Thanks for this. I needed to be reminded of this today and I read it just at the right time.
Namaste
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