trying to let go... again... still..

Old 05-27-2006, 07:33 PM
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trying to let go... again... still..

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons, they say, but I am at a crossroads and unsure of the lesson... case in point... I had a sporadic, long-distance relationship last year with a lovely man I'd met on vacation - an ACOA (both parents still actively drinking). I did not understand the implications of his family of origin until he started talking about his "walls," and abruptedly announced that we were not "going to have a relationship" - which I thought we already were having. He made it very clear, however, that he really cared for me -- that he hadn't been this close to a woman in many years, and to be honest, this seemed to happen just as we were falling in love. He then asked me to "stand still" - not go away, but not come closer (his words)-- and I tried. We did not talk for 5 months, and then he called and we had a great conversation. I was very open and honest about my feelings for him. Basically I told him that I really love him as a person still. He told me he is in therapy to work on his issues and mentioned the possibilty of seeing one another again. We've talked a few times since then.. He also leaves messages on my machine, very affectionate messages, but we have not made plans to see one another... I asked him recently if we will ever see one another again, and he could not answer. I am trying to be open to him, but I need to take care of myself, as I was very hurt by the experience of having the door slammed on my heart. I consider myself a relatively healthy person emotionally who has worked long and hard on my own issues and I don't want to end up in a codpendent situation. I am struggling with this: should I try to remain open to him, or just cut the chord completely? ... is remaining in contact unhealthy? Am I setting myself up for another fall? I feel like there is still a strong connection there, and some love as well, but that might not mean a darn thing in the long-run... insights, anyone?
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Old 05-27-2006, 08:01 PM
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Ain't love a bitch? I know how you feel, so I'll just give you my honest opinion.
This man has personal issues. That's Ok, we are all human and he wants to work them out. I applaud him. But, how long are you willing to put YOUR life on hold for someone else. In Alanon, I am taught over and over again, keep the focus on myself. When I keep the focus on another, THAT's when I get into trouble.
No question you have honest feelings for him. But what does your heart tell you? I have learned that for me, if I look at a problem with the pros and cons, I then think about it, and then give it (surrender) to my higher power, only then the right answer shall come back. I would love for you to be happy and things to work out. It just sounds like to me, that you may be putting your life on hold for someone else.
It's fine to keep the door open, but go on with your life. Lead it like it's new and fresh, and be open to all possibilities. Nothings fixed. All fluid, changing and open, and if it is meant to be, it will happen naturally. You needn't force anything.
Remember, you ARE powerless over others. Hard as heck to give up control, this I know for sure.
So, what's right for YOU?

Ken
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Old 05-28-2006, 04:33 AM
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I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's very hard to be in the position of wanting something more from a relationship than someone else is able or willing to give.

You can't predict if your friend will feel ready to embrace a full relationship in the future. So as Ken wisely spoke of, the best thing is ask yourself what you want and the impact of the present circumstances on you.

How do you feel being in this in-between place? How comfortable/uncomfortable is it? How is it affecting the rest of your life? How much does it dominate your thoughts or your time? How is it affecting other choices in your life? Are you alright being in a state of limbo for a certain period of time -- a week, a month, 2 months, 6 months or is there a certain time at which being on hold as Ken says would feel unacceptable? What are you getting out of the limited contact as it is right now? What's the cost to you of it?

If you can answer some of these questions, you might be able to answer the question if remaining in contact is healthy.

best
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