Work imitating family imitating bad relationships
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Work imitating family imitating bad relationships
Most of you know I've been going through some difficult decisions regarding work about what to do when I finish the short-term-disability I'm on. Well, today I got an email from my CEO, the first one since I started disability 3 months ago. And I can't believe all the messed up feelings I'm having.
The email expressed that, despite what I might think, he was looking forward to my return, that he had 'huge respect for my skills and intellect' and hoped that I "will be back soon and that we will be able to turn the page on past events, resentments and disappointments and start anew."
I've been very preoccupied the last month looking at alternatives to returning to this job. I even thought there was a good chance they might 'let me go' when my disability was up because how bad things were before I left.
After getting this email, I feel like I'm going through the same kinds of feelings I had in my family and in past intimate relationships. It's so bloody wierd. I feel like the person who turned their back on me (my family) or abused me (past relationships) is now wanting everything normal again. It's so very confusing.
It's like a time warp. And the most bizarre thing? I'm wondering if I should go back!!!! Now is this familiar or what?
The email expressed that, despite what I might think, he was looking forward to my return, that he had 'huge respect for my skills and intellect' and hoped that I "will be back soon and that we will be able to turn the page on past events, resentments and disappointments and start anew."
I've been very preoccupied the last month looking at alternatives to returning to this job. I even thought there was a good chance they might 'let me go' when my disability was up because how bad things were before I left.
After getting this email, I feel like I'm going through the same kinds of feelings I had in my family and in past intimate relationships. It's so bloody wierd. I feel like the person who turned their back on me (my family) or abused me (past relationships) is now wanting everything normal again. It's so very confusing.
It's like a time warp. And the most bizarre thing? I'm wondering if I should go back!!!! Now is this familiar or what?
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Heya GF,
I think you're absolutely right in calling your work environment "toxic". In my experience, the crazy people that make up a "toxic family" go out in the world and have jobs. I think your identifying this CEO as having toxic behaviors is absolutely right. You've described the typical behavior of a toxic parent: random moods, undependable behavior, switching from condescending to loving. I would guess his kids are in ACoA, you just haven't met them.
You said it's very confusing. Yes it is. Random behavior _is_ confusing because there is no pattern or predictability. That's why I went half nuts as a kid, random behavior makes any living thing go nuts, especially children.
What kind of person would remain employed by a "toxic boss"? Well the kind of person who is in the emotional rut of being abused by that type of boss. An ACoA active in their disease, or desperate for any job, would be the ideal employee of such a boss.
You're wondering if you should go back? Well of course, that's a symptom of PTSD. I dunno about you, but when I am placed in contact with toxic people I experience "echoes" of the feelings I had as a child. In turn those feelings bring up a need to repeat the same behaviors.
I think this e-mail you received is just another example of typical "toxic" behavior. Completely random and unpredictable. The fact that it brings up old ACoA feeling in you is just the final proof. As ACoA's we have very finely tuned "toxic radar" and we can spot 'em a mile away.
Me thinks you should just go ahead with the plan and actions you are already considering. Me? If I couldn't find work anywhere else I'd move outta town!
Mike
I think you're absolutely right in calling your work environment "toxic". In my experience, the crazy people that make up a "toxic family" go out in the world and have jobs. I think your identifying this CEO as having toxic behaviors is absolutely right. You've described the typical behavior of a toxic parent: random moods, undependable behavior, switching from condescending to loving. I would guess his kids are in ACoA, you just haven't met them.
You said it's very confusing. Yes it is. Random behavior _is_ confusing because there is no pattern or predictability. That's why I went half nuts as a kid, random behavior makes any living thing go nuts, especially children.
What kind of person would remain employed by a "toxic boss"? Well the kind of person who is in the emotional rut of being abused by that type of boss. An ACoA active in their disease, or desperate for any job, would be the ideal employee of such a boss.
You're wondering if you should go back? Well of course, that's a symptom of PTSD. I dunno about you, but when I am placed in contact with toxic people I experience "echoes" of the feelings I had as a child. In turn those feelings bring up a need to repeat the same behaviors.
I think this e-mail you received is just another example of typical "toxic" behavior. Completely random and unpredictable. The fact that it brings up old ACoA feeling in you is just the final proof. As ACoA's we have very finely tuned "toxic radar" and we can spot 'em a mile away.
Me thinks you should just go ahead with the plan and actions you are already considering. Me? If I couldn't find work anywhere else I'd move outta town!
Mike
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I agree with Mike, if you have the "radar" report of ACOA, why wait to be abused some more? If you have an option, take it... sometimes the fear of the unknown is less than the fear of the known... that feeling led me to leave home at 13/14 and I don't regret it at all.
Levi
Levi
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
GF -
I hope now you have got the answers you need. Mike and Levi are right. The unknown is often much better than the known. Use your gut feelings. I know that when I am in difficult situation like this, I think about the pros and cons, and then I let go, give in to my higher power, and let him talk to me through my intuition. USE your intuition and you will find your answers.
Ken
I hope now you have got the answers you need. Mike and Levi are right. The unknown is often much better than the known. Use your gut feelings. I know that when I am in difficult situation like this, I think about the pros and cons, and then I let go, give in to my higher power, and let him talk to me through my intuition. USE your intuition and you will find your answers.
Ken
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Mike, you're right. This is PTSD. I'm caught in a trauma bond, or as Patrick Carnes would call it, a betrayal bond.
It's like I'm one of the partners on the friends and family forum who's almost disengaged completely with their A, and then get a phone call saying they're sorry, etc etc. and get hooked back in. (Not that my CEO ever apologized.)
I can see this person is standing in for my father, and it's like I want to believe what he's saying, because just as a child, I wanted my father to love me and stand up for me and value me and, and, and. And at the same time feeling the confusion as a child: "If you loved me, how could you treat me this way? How could you let this happen? How could you let others treat me this way?"
So it is with this boss -- I ask how he could ever have let the situation continue and treat me (and others) as he did if he really valued me, my skills or contribution. There's the sickness of it.
If all things were equal, I'd want to be be able to go back to this job because it would be the least disruptive thing and it would be secure and known -- just like I wanted it in my family. One of the reasons I took the position was that my compensation included options -- I finally felt like I was doing something that could benefit me in ways beyond a paycheck. Security. Right. Well it would be great if everything was, well, great.
But I have to work hard to remind myself that no, it's not great. What would happen if I returned? I just have to look at the turmoil this email created and tell myself that I'd likely be feeling a lot more of that, continually.
Then there's that other teeny voice that says -- well, maybe I've learned enough so I can detach, get what I want from this job, turn my mind off, and use it just as the secure base to train for my career change. Maybe I should talk with the CEO and see what he has to say. Maybe I can just try and see how it feels, and leave if it's terrible. Then the other voice: why even put myself through that?
Levi and Ken:I know I'll work it out -- it's just really scary and destablalizing being drawn back into that PTSD vortex.
thanks
gf
It's like I'm one of the partners on the friends and family forum who's almost disengaged completely with their A, and then get a phone call saying they're sorry, etc etc. and get hooked back in. (Not that my CEO ever apologized.)
I can see this person is standing in for my father, and it's like I want to believe what he's saying, because just as a child, I wanted my father to love me and stand up for me and value me and, and, and. And at the same time feeling the confusion as a child: "If you loved me, how could you treat me this way? How could you let this happen? How could you let others treat me this way?"
So it is with this boss -- I ask how he could ever have let the situation continue and treat me (and others) as he did if he really valued me, my skills or contribution. There's the sickness of it.
If all things were equal, I'd want to be be able to go back to this job because it would be the least disruptive thing and it would be secure and known -- just like I wanted it in my family. One of the reasons I took the position was that my compensation included options -- I finally felt like I was doing something that could benefit me in ways beyond a paycheck. Security. Right. Well it would be great if everything was, well, great.
But I have to work hard to remind myself that no, it's not great. What would happen if I returned? I just have to look at the turmoil this email created and tell myself that I'd likely be feeling a lot more of that, continually.
Then there's that other teeny voice that says -- well, maybe I've learned enough so I can detach, get what I want from this job, turn my mind off, and use it just as the secure base to train for my career change. Maybe I should talk with the CEO and see what he has to say. Maybe I can just try and see how it feels, and leave if it's terrible. Then the other voice: why even put myself through that?
Levi and Ken:I know I'll work it out -- it's just really scary and destablalizing being drawn back into that PTSD vortex.
thanks
gf
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Originally Posted by GettingFree
... Then there's that other teeny voice that says -- well, maybe I've learned enough ...
That has never worked for me. I just get tangled up in the insanity of the disease again, with my own "control addiction" fired up into the mix. Last time I almost killed myself. Nastly place for me, not going there again.
I'm glad you can see how the PTSD "echoes" are affecting your emotions, and in turn the decisions you make for life. I think you should be proud of yourself for having made so much growth. That's awesome.
Mike
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I get that voice too. If I can do that then I can control them into behaving responsibly and I will finally feel safe and secure in my life.
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I just get tangled up in the insanity of the disease again, with my own "control addiction" fired up into the mix.
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I think you should be proud of yourself for having made so much growth. That's awesome.
Slow but sure. Thanks of all the support -- it really helps being able to write and talk this stuff out here and get others' perspective.
gf
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P.S. I leave in 1/2 an hour for my first class in training for my eventual career change. It's an intense weekend session: 4 hours this afternoon and then all day Saturday and Sunday. I think it's come at a perfect time!
I'm concerned about how I'll hold up physically, but apparently it's a pretty relaxed setting, and heck -- I'll lie down if I have to (she says now!).
gf
I'm concerned about how I'll hold up physically, but apparently it's a pretty relaxed setting, and heck -- I'll lie down if I have to (she says now!).
gf
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
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Hey GF -
I may have asked before, but what IS your career change? I'm doing the same thing too. After 15 years in the computer area (Systems Engineering), I am going to change to an area of social work. Or at least something with other people that makes a difference. I just started classes as well for the summer at our local community college. I have back problems, so sitting for stretches hurts a bit, but I've learned the secrets to stretching so I am usually Ok. Besides, almost every school these days has a disability office that can help draw up a plan for you, and then it can be given to the professors so fair accomadations can be made.
In my "year of recovery", I have decided to do things completley in challenge to the ways I have lived. For instance, I have always been by myself. Thinking of others, but never actually helping them. So next week I start volunteering at our county homeless shelter.
Go to Alanon. Going to Coda.
Learning to be completely honest and open with others, despite the fears of showing I am hurt. Not avoiding. Allowing myself be vulnerable. Learning to trust. All things which are so difficult I have found for ACOA's.
And being so new, it feels strange. But the way i look at it, it is a chance to heal. Everything now is a chance to heal. Scarey, but the old ways didn't work so well for me, did they
Hoping your well.
Ken
I may have asked before, but what IS your career change? I'm doing the same thing too. After 15 years in the computer area (Systems Engineering), I am going to change to an area of social work. Or at least something with other people that makes a difference. I just started classes as well for the summer at our local community college. I have back problems, so sitting for stretches hurts a bit, but I've learned the secrets to stretching so I am usually Ok. Besides, almost every school these days has a disability office that can help draw up a plan for you, and then it can be given to the professors so fair accomadations can be made.
In my "year of recovery", I have decided to do things completley in challenge to the ways I have lived. For instance, I have always been by myself. Thinking of others, but never actually helping them. So next week I start volunteering at our county homeless shelter.
Go to Alanon. Going to Coda.
Learning to be completely honest and open with others, despite the fears of showing I am hurt. Not avoiding. Allowing myself be vulnerable. Learning to trust. All things which are so difficult I have found for ACOA's.
And being so new, it feels strange. But the way i look at it, it is a chance to heal. Everything now is a chance to heal. Scarey, but the old ways didn't work so well for me, did they
Hoping your well.
Ken
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Hi Ken,
Although I'm pretty certain about the new path I'm pursuing, I'm a little reluctant to share just yet. Part of it is because off that sabateour voice inside ("You want to do what? You think you can really do what?") I promise to share in time!
But I will say that this weekend training so far has been incredible and I am really, really pumped. Maybe I don't want to say anything just yet for fear it's not real?
Yup, change is scary, but I'm learning how exciting it can be too. I'm actually thinking I may get to be happy and finally reap the benefit of a lot of hard work in this recovery stuff!
best,
gf
Although I'm pretty certain about the new path I'm pursuing, I'm a little reluctant to share just yet. Part of it is because off that sabateour voice inside ("You want to do what? You think you can really do what?") I promise to share in time!
But I will say that this weekend training so far has been incredible and I am really, really pumped. Maybe I don't want to say anything just yet for fear it's not real?
Yup, change is scary, but I'm learning how exciting it can be too. I'm actually thinking I may get to be happy and finally reap the benefit of a lot of hard work in this recovery stuff!
best,
gf
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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thanks gf,
your posts have really inspired me.
i recently left a job and was over -deliberating the "correctness" of my decision. i really related to how you had that teeny voice, maybe i can just pull through this, i felt that for me, it was self-abandonment to NOT honour my panicking. it was delusion, i would have had a break down im sure because if i hate what im doing, or am always uncomfortable then i feel trapped.
ive had negative feedback from many people that i left my job, in my circumstance i left out of a faith that my higher power can and is providing something more meaningful for me. I want to live a life of honesty and integrity and not just settle for whatever, even if it is more secure. i kept obessessing that i was letting my employers down, even letting society down for not earning my keep but i didnt stop to think that i was letting myself down. i heard suicide mentioned and when im stuck in a job i dont feel comfy with i feel trapped and suicide does become an option far too easily sometimes.
ive found it terrfying to actually follow what i want to do, its bloody hard when people negate you every step of the way, esp. when the confidence boosters werent there growing up, far from it. i believe i deserve to do what i want - a meaningful and passionate career- not that im owed it but that i deserve it and that my higher power is unlimited in miracles. it often angers and frustrates me when others dont support me but that's powerlessness over others for you i guess. i seriously doubt successful people just settle and think wanting it all is pure greed.
i want more than enough in my life and if i dont feel ok then i want to TRUST what my gut tells me and not let others impose guilt on the choices ive made. still it feels very strange to DARE to turn a job down having confidence i can get one in field i would enjoy more rather than one i loathe.
mostly i just got a real sense of affirmation from my hp through these posts that im doing the right thing. thankyou.
your posts have really inspired me.
i recently left a job and was over -deliberating the "correctness" of my decision. i really related to how you had that teeny voice, maybe i can just pull through this, i felt that for me, it was self-abandonment to NOT honour my panicking. it was delusion, i would have had a break down im sure because if i hate what im doing, or am always uncomfortable then i feel trapped.
ive had negative feedback from many people that i left my job, in my circumstance i left out of a faith that my higher power can and is providing something more meaningful for me. I want to live a life of honesty and integrity and not just settle for whatever, even if it is more secure. i kept obessessing that i was letting my employers down, even letting society down for not earning my keep but i didnt stop to think that i was letting myself down. i heard suicide mentioned and when im stuck in a job i dont feel comfy with i feel trapped and suicide does become an option far too easily sometimes.
ive found it terrfying to actually follow what i want to do, its bloody hard when people negate you every step of the way, esp. when the confidence boosters werent there growing up, far from it. i believe i deserve to do what i want - a meaningful and passionate career- not that im owed it but that i deserve it and that my higher power is unlimited in miracles. it often angers and frustrates me when others dont support me but that's powerlessness over others for you i guess. i seriously doubt successful people just settle and think wanting it all is pure greed.
i want more than enough in my life and if i dont feel ok then i want to TRUST what my gut tells me and not let others impose guilt on the choices ive made. still it feels very strange to DARE to turn a job down having confidence i can get one in field i would enjoy more rather than one i loathe.
mostly i just got a real sense of affirmation from my hp through these posts that im doing the right thing. thankyou.
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Hey Utopia,
I'm really glad you got a sense of affirmation from this thread. You're right in that there are so many messages -- both internal and external -- that sabatoge our intent to pursue more fulfilling work. Us? Have a right be fulfilled? Not just earn a decent paycheck and pay the bills and be responsible?
Yes, we do. And we have a right to say no to situations or environments that do us harm.
I'm trying hard to keep that internal message going.
best
gf
I'm really glad you got a sense of affirmation from this thread. You're right in that there are so many messages -- both internal and external -- that sabatoge our intent to pursue more fulfilling work. Us? Have a right be fulfilled? Not just earn a decent paycheck and pay the bills and be responsible?
Yes, we do. And we have a right to say no to situations or environments that do us harm.
I'm trying hard to keep that internal message going.
best
gf
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