Mother's day from the other side
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
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Mother's day from the other side
I'm wondering how people who have Amothers, but who have not totally detached from them, deal with mother's day?
I've always had a really hard time with it, feeling like a hypocrit for doing something special for the day, yet feeling obligated to do so both by society and by how hurt my mother would be if I completely ignored it.
I've worked through most of the anger towards my mother, and with her changing (significant changes, which I honestly never thought she would be able to make) so much, our relationship may actually stand a chance at being something more than a farce or an obligation. Things are definitely in a state of flux right now, and I am being as encouraging as I can be without being overly intrusive into her private life. (Mom is learning to set boundaries, and I am most heartily encouraging that and giving her major props for doing so).
I suppose this topic also includes father's day.
I always go through this fight with myself over what I should do vs. what I want to do. Usually I want to ignore it entirely and claim I forgot, but honestly, you'd have to be living under a rock to 'forget'. While I may live under a small rock, it's not so big as to not notice the media frenzy around mother's day (or valentine's day either for that matter)
Bah. Stupid Hallmark holidays.
I've always had a really hard time with it, feeling like a hypocrit for doing something special for the day, yet feeling obligated to do so both by society and by how hurt my mother would be if I completely ignored it.
I've worked through most of the anger towards my mother, and with her changing (significant changes, which I honestly never thought she would be able to make) so much, our relationship may actually stand a chance at being something more than a farce or an obligation. Things are definitely in a state of flux right now, and I am being as encouraging as I can be without being overly intrusive into her private life. (Mom is learning to set boundaries, and I am most heartily encouraging that and giving her major props for doing so).
I suppose this topic also includes father's day.
I always go through this fight with myself over what I should do vs. what I want to do. Usually I want to ignore it entirely and claim I forgot, but honestly, you'd have to be living under a rock to 'forget'. While I may live under a small rock, it's not so big as to not notice the media frenzy around mother's day (or valentine's day either for that matter)
Bah. Stupid Hallmark holidays.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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The way it works for me is to treat it like any other response towards my "A" family. If I'm doing "it" out of guilt then I need to work on _me_ and dig out the guilt so that I can live happy, joyous and free. Only when I am free of guilt can I be free to make a decision without the influence of negative emotions. Then I can choose what action to follow that will meet my goals, instead of mitigate my negative feelings.
Around here we call that a DUI. Decision Under the Influence of emotions. Those decisions never resolve anything, they just generate more emotions and the cylce repeats. A family holiday _should_ be a time of joy and happiness. If it's not, then it's time to do something different.
I chose not to participate in family holidays with my biological family. It brought me no pleasure or comfort, and it provided them an opportunity to create chaos.
Mike
Around here we call that a DUI. Decision Under the Influence of emotions. Those decisions never resolve anything, they just generate more emotions and the cylce repeats. A family holiday _should_ be a time of joy and happiness. If it's not, then it's time to do something different.
I chose not to participate in family holidays with my biological family. It brought me no pleasure or comfort, and it provided them an opportunity to create chaos.
Mike
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