partnerofaca

I am the partner of an adult child of an alcoholic mother..whose family was
also mentally,physically and emotionally abusive..he was beaten by his mum,
two brothers and a freind once for a laugh, but as the eldest child he was
also the one who looked after his brothers and seemed the 'clown' to
entertain etc..his father left them he had the usual promises his dad was
coming to visit but then he was let down..his dad beat his mum and him and
hisbrothers and they pretty much grew up drinkning smoking taking drugs from
ages 5 up.. thankful to say my partner now smokes this is it and considering
his past he is a kind man

he has never sought help with his past as he says he is scared as to what
they will tell him. and always cancels the appoinments...im finding it
extemely hard to deal with the one minute intimate then next distant
behaviour as i find it hard not to take it personal..i have looked on the
internet but only found one site which still did not have much information
about the parters of ACOA.

We have been together several years my partner is 29 we have a 6yr old
boy and our relationship has always been up and down.. he has also since i
can remember been saying how he has a feeling that he cant explain but its
something that doesnt feel right..like something is missing..its a
feeling..i was upset to read a poem he wrote about me as he said he has a
beautiful son and his wonderful mother but still he's got the lot and feels is this
all there is to his life..it has really upset i dont know where to go for
information...i want us to work i love him dearly.


any help or advise you could give would be of great help as i just feel that
we are going round in circles..and the deep seated issues are the reasons
behind it..im patient with him but i really miss and want to us to be
intimate and close instead of up and down can you help??? im scared in order to help him ill have to loose him. as he may think he is with me for all the wrong reasons

katie6

First of all, good for you for hanging in there. You sound like you have been through a lot with him.

So what I get from what you said is that you and he are together, but the relationship is rocky becuase of his issues. I see that he has made appointments with counselors in the past but never gone through with them. I understand that he is scared, getting help is very scary. I have to ask, have you ever gotten help for yourself? Becuase I think you should go to counseling if you can, regardless of whether he will go. You will learn a lot about yourself and better ways to cope with this situation.

Good luck. Sorry I couldn't have been of more help.

GettingFree

I would offer that the poem he wrote has nothing to do with you as an individual. Whille it hurt to read his words of dissatisfaction with life, his unhappiness and sense of something missing wouldn't be fixed if you were a different person. It wouldn't be fixed if you tried 100 different ways to fix it. As you've already recognized, this is likely connected to the deep pain he experienced as a child. Dealing with these issues is definitely scary and his fears are understandable -- it's difficult work opening up the past and people ultimately will or won't arrive at a place and time in their lives when they feel safe and strong enough to open it up. It sounds like you've been doing what you can to love and support him should he go that route. But as you probably are sensing, the desire to do so has to come from him.

In the meantime, Katie's suggestions about seeking some support for yourself is a great idea. It sounds like you're experiencing signficant pain yourself and getting support to begin understanding your own needs may help a lot.

best,
gf

nutz

It's has taken me almost 14 years of recovrey to get to this piont.
I'm 39 and I got clean and sober when I was 22. I relaped after
11 years of being sober. I currently have 1 1/2.

I lost someone and a family I love every much. A six years
relationship. I was clean and sober through all of it.
I worked my 12 steps to the best of my ability. Yes I was sober.
But there where problems and issue that I didn't want to face.
My girl friend loved very much and put up with it for years.
She knew I wanted nothing to be like my father. But at times
I was acting out just like my father. Sometimes I would use the
same word that my father would use towards me, without even
relizing it. It made me feel even more shame of myself. I'm not a drunk.
I'm not like him. I've always told myself that I would never, never
treat my family like my father had done towards me. Most of the time
I'm not, but it dose comes out, when I'm tired or not on my gruad.

Even for the pass ten years in another relationship. My GF would see
still as an adult how I'm effect. I would lay in bed all weekend like a
wounded child after having an encounter with my father.

Now my life is still a mess no matter what I do.
No matter what I do , I still feel I'm not good enough or worth living.
I join the USAF, that wasn't good enough
I had a great carreer opportunity at 20 year of age $50 per year
I attented schools and learnd many, many trade , it's not good enough
My latest employment..it's not good enough
I was raising a family, settling down, I'm sober .
it's not good enough, i can find a better woman.....
on and on , it's not good enough.

Only recently I've been able to go into depth/details about my childhood.
it was very, very painful for me. I didn't want to relive it or feel it.
I'm still struggling with approvel from my parents.
I'm working through it and the peaple in recovery are helping me.

TheGirlInside

Nutz:

I feel sad reading your lastest post. I am very new to this site (a month, I think?) and fairly recent to recovery (1 yr 5 mos ACOA, 1 yr 1 mo. AA).

You come across as being very sad and maybe very bitter. I'd like to try to help, if I can.

One of the first things I learned early on was to detach from my family of origin. I found myself getting so caught up in their web of BS that it was making me feel totally crazy. Once I realized that I will never get their approval, and that I cannot do one damned thing to change them or help them improve their lives, I felt kind of free...not right away, but after a couple of practices. I also learned to drop one of my favorite phrases, "If [insert God, he/she/it/they/life, etc...] would just..."

I remembered something I learned way back when I took an anthropology class: The way a society operates can be determined, largely, by the language they use." It is interesting, how one's attitude, and then outlook, and (hopefully) life can change in a positive way by replacing a few words with a few different words in our speech and other communication.

By the Way, in case you didn't know...YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH (GOD told me so, and so did the UNIVERSE), BECAUSE YOU ARE....always remember that!!! IF you forget everything else, remember THAT, please, for your own sake.

"Did you wake up today? Then, it's not too late." --Maya Angelou

(I'm having a good hair day today, so it's easy for me to be positive...lol)