I am very concerned about my 36 yr old daughter
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 8
I am very concerned about my 36 yr old daughter
My mom is the alcholic that helped me raise my 2 daughters. 20 years ago, I lost my job, had a hard time finding a job, so I moved back home to live with my mother. I was very young we all lived together in her home. I had my chldren very young (I was 17 & 19 yrs old). When my 2 daughters were 12 & 14, I had to leave them with my mother for 3 years until I was able to get a new job and house of my own. They are now grown woman, ages 36 & 34 years old. My oldest daughter is the 1st grandchild. She has acquired many of the bad habits of my mother. I often call her the dry drunk. She has fits and rages similiar to my mother when she is drunk.
Right now, and my 3 grandchildren, ages 15 yrs, 7 yrs, & 4 yrs. They live in Oklahoma. I now live in Virginia. I believe she is very jealous-hearted that after I divorced in 1989, 17 years ago, I continued to grow, learn new things, traveled and sought opportunities for growth in my life. In her late teens, she became rebellious, got pregnant and refused to go to school. She has never married. She never went to college. Her personality traits are anger, cynical, extremely argumentative, and rebellious. She curses, makes snide remarks, and blames everyone else for her problems. My grandkids kids have no set bed time, run wild, and have little or no culture-enhancing activities.
The immediate problem is financial insecurity. My daughter has not worked in 5 years. When she did work, it was as a nurse’s aid, making less than $15,000 a year. She has never made enough money to take care of herself & 3 kids. She has been in and out of jail three times for neglect of the kids and traffic violations (leaving them home alone, driving with suspended driver’s licenses, no car insurance, expired tags). My mother spent $7,000 for a lawyer fees, travel and hotel expenses to get her out the first time. She has the 2 youngest kids taken away from her for neglect, twice. She gets no child support from the eldest child's father and $42/mo for the 2 youngest children's father. I have helped her financially off & on for the past 15 years, always sending large sums of money, from $500 - $1200). Her grandparents have sent large sums of money to help her when she get her out of jail, when she is behind in payments for utilities, and cannot afford clothes for the kids, gasoline, car insurance, food, etc. In 2002, she was homeless for more than 8 months. I took time off work (my job had me living in S. Korea at the time) flew to Oklahoma, and spent more than $10,000 on travel, hotel room, food, down payment too rent her a home, buy her a car, insurance, gasoline, clothes for the kids. I needed to get her stabilized because she had my mother sending her $200 a week for a hotel room. My mother is 73 years old. My daughter had been evicted from the homeless shelter for rule violations. In 2003, just one year later, when I was about to buy a home, she asked me to send more than $1,000 to her for an electric bill, so that she could pass a home inspection to keep her Section 8 Housing qualification. I pulled my money off the home purchase and sent it to her via Western Union. The 15yr old never lives at home anymore. My daughter seldom knows her whereabouts. The youngest child can’t go to school because she does not have school clothes, shoes, etc.
My daughter is now 36 years old and unable to provide a basic living for herself and her children. In January 2006, she is now due for another Section 8 Housing inspection, needs almost $700 to get the gas turned on in the home. (She and the kids have lived without hot water for more than 6 months.) Her driver’s license has been suspended again. She says that some accused her for having a car accident that she did not cause. Now, there is a legal judgment against her for $19,000. The Department of Motor Vehicles suspended her license. She wants to file bankruptcy to clear this from her records. The attorney fees are more than $1,000. She wants me to send money for that t also. Again, I am trying to buy that house. She wants to go to nursing school. She owed $443 for classes she enrolled in 12 years ago, but did not finish. In January 2006, I paid that old bill so that she could enroll in school by January 20th. Now she says that she will go to school in March 06.
I am at the point now that I do not believe throwing money at the problem will help my daughter to become independent. I want to help my daughter, but I cannot afford to continue to throw money at her problems. I am approaching retirement age. I do not want to end up in dire financial straits, like my mother. My mother realizes now that she made a mistake by continuing to throw money at family problems. I hope and pray this situation improves and that my daughter can get a better handle on life. Our mother- daughter relationship has always been strained because of this financial drain on our family’s resources. What do you think is the best approach to my daughter’s situation?
I continue to pray for a miracle. Thank you for your advice.
jacjacs in Virginia
Right now, and my 3 grandchildren, ages 15 yrs, 7 yrs, & 4 yrs. They live in Oklahoma. I now live in Virginia. I believe she is very jealous-hearted that after I divorced in 1989, 17 years ago, I continued to grow, learn new things, traveled and sought opportunities for growth in my life. In her late teens, she became rebellious, got pregnant and refused to go to school. She has never married. She never went to college. Her personality traits are anger, cynical, extremely argumentative, and rebellious. She curses, makes snide remarks, and blames everyone else for her problems. My grandkids kids have no set bed time, run wild, and have little or no culture-enhancing activities.
The immediate problem is financial insecurity. My daughter has not worked in 5 years. When she did work, it was as a nurse’s aid, making less than $15,000 a year. She has never made enough money to take care of herself & 3 kids. She has been in and out of jail three times for neglect of the kids and traffic violations (leaving them home alone, driving with suspended driver’s licenses, no car insurance, expired tags). My mother spent $7,000 for a lawyer fees, travel and hotel expenses to get her out the first time. She has the 2 youngest kids taken away from her for neglect, twice. She gets no child support from the eldest child's father and $42/mo for the 2 youngest children's father. I have helped her financially off & on for the past 15 years, always sending large sums of money, from $500 - $1200). Her grandparents have sent large sums of money to help her when she get her out of jail, when she is behind in payments for utilities, and cannot afford clothes for the kids, gasoline, car insurance, food, etc. In 2002, she was homeless for more than 8 months. I took time off work (my job had me living in S. Korea at the time) flew to Oklahoma, and spent more than $10,000 on travel, hotel room, food, down payment too rent her a home, buy her a car, insurance, gasoline, clothes for the kids. I needed to get her stabilized because she had my mother sending her $200 a week for a hotel room. My mother is 73 years old. My daughter had been evicted from the homeless shelter for rule violations. In 2003, just one year later, when I was about to buy a home, she asked me to send more than $1,000 to her for an electric bill, so that she could pass a home inspection to keep her Section 8 Housing qualification. I pulled my money off the home purchase and sent it to her via Western Union. The 15yr old never lives at home anymore. My daughter seldom knows her whereabouts. The youngest child can’t go to school because she does not have school clothes, shoes, etc.
My daughter is now 36 years old and unable to provide a basic living for herself and her children. In January 2006, she is now due for another Section 8 Housing inspection, needs almost $700 to get the gas turned on in the home. (She and the kids have lived without hot water for more than 6 months.) Her driver’s license has been suspended again. She says that some accused her for having a car accident that she did not cause. Now, there is a legal judgment against her for $19,000. The Department of Motor Vehicles suspended her license. She wants to file bankruptcy to clear this from her records. The attorney fees are more than $1,000. She wants me to send money for that t also. Again, I am trying to buy that house. She wants to go to nursing school. She owed $443 for classes she enrolled in 12 years ago, but did not finish. In January 2006, I paid that old bill so that she could enroll in school by January 20th. Now she says that she will go to school in March 06.
I am at the point now that I do not believe throwing money at the problem will help my daughter to become independent. I want to help my daughter, but I cannot afford to continue to throw money at her problems. I am approaching retirement age. I do not want to end up in dire financial straits, like my mother. My mother realizes now that she made a mistake by continuing to throw money at family problems. I hope and pray this situation improves and that my daughter can get a better handle on life. Our mother- daughter relationship has always been strained because of this financial drain on our family’s resources. What do you think is the best approach to my daughter’s situation?
I continue to pray for a miracle. Thank you for your advice.
jacjacs in Virginia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 8
I am very concerned about my 36 yr old daughter
My mom is the alcholic that helped me raise my 2 daughters. 20 years ago, I lost my job, had a hard time finding a job, so I moved back home to live with my mother. I was very young we all lived together in her home. I had my chldren very young (I was 17 & 19 yrs old). When my 2 daughters were 12 & 14, I had to leave them with my mother for 3 years until I was able to get a new job and house of my own. They are now grown woman, ages 36 & 34 years old. My oldest daughter is the 1st grandchild. She has acquired many of the bad habits of my mother. I often call her the dry drunk. She has fits and rages similiar to my mother when she is drunk. Right now, I am very concerned about my 36 yr old daughter and my 3 grandchildren, ages 15 yrs, 7 yrs, & 4 yrs. They live in Oklahoma. I now live in Virginia. I believe she is very jealous-hearted that after I divorced in 1989, 17 years ago, I continued to grow, learn new things, traveled and sought opportunities for growth in my life. In her late teens, she became rebellious, got pregnant and refused to go to school. She has never married. She never went to college. Her personality traits are anger, cynical, extremely argumentative, and rebellious. She curses, makes snide remarks, and blames everyone else for her problems. My grandkids kids have no set bed time, run wild, and have little or no culture-enhancing activities.
The immediate problem is financial insecurity. My daughter has not worked in 5 years. When she did work, it was as a nurse’s aid, making less than $15,000 a year. She has never made enough money to take care of herself & 3 kids. She has been in and out of jail three times for neglect of the kids and traffic violations (leaving them home alone, driving with suspended driver’s licenses, no car insurance, expired tags). My mother spent $7,000 for a lawyer fees, travel and hotel expenses to get her out the first time. She has the 2 youngest kids taken away from her for neglect, twice. She gets no child support from the eldest child's father and $42/mo for the 2 youngest children's father. I have helped her financially off & on for the past 15 years, always sending large sums of money, from $500 - $1200). Her grandparents have sent large sums of money to help her when she get her out of jail, when she is behind in payments for utilities, and cannot afford clothes for the kids, gasoline, car insurance, food, etc. In 2002, she was homeless for more than 8 months. I took time off work (my job had me living in S. Korea at the time) flew to Oklahoma, and spent more than $10,000 on travel, hotel room, food, down payment too rent her a home, buy her a car, insurance, gasoline, clothes for the kids. I needed to get her stabilized because she had my mother sending her $200 a week for a hotel room. My mother is 73 years old. My daughter had been evicted from the homeless shelter for rule violations. In 2003, just one year later, when I was about to buy a home, she asked me to send more than $1,000 to her for an electric bill, so that she could pass a home inspection to keep her Section 8 Housing qualification. I pulled my money off the home purchase and sent it to her via Western Union. The 15yr old never lives at home anymore. My daughter seldom knows her whereabouts. The youngest child can’t go to school because she does not have school clothes, shoes, etc.
My daughter is now 36 years old and unable to provide a basic living for herself and her children. In January 2006, she is now due for another Section 8 Housing inspection, needs almost $700 to get the gas turned on in the home. (She and the kids have lived without hot water for more than 6 months.) Her driver’s license has been suspended again. She says that some accused her for having a car accident that she did not cause. Now, there is a legal judgment against her for $19,000. The Department of Motor Vehicles suspended her license. She wants to file bankruptcy to clear this from her records. The attorney fees are more than $1,000. She wants me to send money for that t also. Again, I am trying to buy that house. She wants to go to nursing school. She owed $443 for classes she enrolled in 12 years ago, but did not finish. In January 2006, I paid that old bill so that she could enroll in school by January 20th. Now she says that she will go to school in March 06.
I am at the point now that I do not believe throwing money at the problem will help my daughter to become independent. I want to help my daughter, but I cannot afford to continue to throw money at her problems. I am approaching retirement age. I do not want to end up in dire financial straits, like my mother. My mother realizes now that she made a mistake by continuing to throw money at family problems. I hope and pray this situation improves and that my daughter can get a better handle on life. Our mother- daughter relationship has always been strained because of this financial drain on our family’s resources. What do you think is the best approach to my daughter’s situation?
I continue to pray for a miracle. Thank you for your advice.
jacjacs in Virginia[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
My advice? take the kids away from her and raise them yourself. Stop giving her money. End of story.
She has chosen to be irresponsible. You can't make her be responsible. I wish her kids didn't have to bear the burden of her irresponsibility. Giving her money just allows her to continue to be irresponsible. She's shown you what kind of person she is, praying for a miracle won't change that.
At the very least, call Child Protective Services. And then step out and away from her problems. That means, no more money for her. Let her lose her Section 8 if she can't pay her utilities. Let her be evicted if she can't pay her rent. Let her sit in jail if she's arrested for anything - anything at all. It's not that hard to go through life without ever being arrested or evicted. Let her lose her license. Let her pay her own tuition. Let her support her own kids, if she insists on keeping the poor things with her - but please don't allow her to keep them!
Basically, let her sleep in her own bed. You have enough to do making your own. She is an adult, though she's chosen not to act like one, you should not cater to her choices.
She has chosen to be irresponsible. You can't make her be responsible. I wish her kids didn't have to bear the burden of her irresponsibility. Giving her money just allows her to continue to be irresponsible. She's shown you what kind of person she is, praying for a miracle won't change that.
At the very least, call Child Protective Services. And then step out and away from her problems. That means, no more money for her. Let her lose her Section 8 if she can't pay her utilities. Let her be evicted if she can't pay her rent. Let her sit in jail if she's arrested for anything - anything at all. It's not that hard to go through life without ever being arrested or evicted. Let her lose her license. Let her pay her own tuition. Let her support her own kids, if she insists on keeping the poor things with her - but please don't allow her to keep them!
Basically, let her sleep in her own bed. You have enough to do making your own. She is an adult, though she's chosen not to act like one, you should not cater to her choices.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 8
Thanks so much for sending this response. I waited awhile hoping that someone would answer me. I've often thought of taking the kids away, when I hear about how she is raising them. No culture, spiritual life, just welfare food. If I take away the kids, then I will be viewed as bad one. I would hope that she would willingly give them to me, while she goes to school. I've offered to do so many times, when she thought of joinng the military. However, I've noticed she uses them kids as pawns for guilt-trips along life's rocky road. If she didn't have them to take care of, them she'd not have an excuse to get a job or go back to school. I have come to the conclusion that she needs professional help. I will no longer throw money at her problems, but will continue to allow God to work things out. I can't get in is way if he is going to be the one to take care of me and her.Thanks again.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there jacjacs, and welcome to SR 
I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. That must be heart breaking. From what you describe she certainly does sound like a "dry drunk".
We have another forum called "Friends and Family" where you can find a lot of folks who are dealing with the exact same issues you mention. There's a lot of moms in that forum that have a lot of experience dealing with grown children who are involved in addictive behavior. If you copy your post over to that forum you will get a huge amount of suggestions and tips on how best to help your daugther without harming yourself.
Welcome again
Mike :-)
I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. That must be heart breaking. From what you describe she certainly does sound like a "dry drunk".
We have another forum called "Friends and Family" where you can find a lot of folks who are dealing with the exact same issues you mention. There's a lot of moms in that forum that have a lot of experience dealing with grown children who are involved in addictive behavior. If you copy your post over to that forum you will get a huge amount of suggestions and tips on how best to help your daugther without harming yourself.
Welcome again
Mike :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 8
Thank's Mike. I'll certainly do that. Really appreciate your support. It means a lot to know there's other folks out there with the same issues. Yes, it is heart breaking, but I'm determined to not fall apart of this situation.
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