Done_With_It

I just read about 5 or 6 posts on here and could see a big part of my life in all of them.

My mother is an alcoholic, she has been my whole life. I hate it when she drinks. A lot of stuff happened when I was little that didn't have to happen, but it did while she was out partying it up.

I've done my self abuse for this stuff for years, I've worked on myself almost daily. Going deeper into debt because I won't give up therapy, etc.

She thinks she has no problem. Whatever.

But I made the cardinal mistake tonight and I called her. She was "half-tanked" as she put it.
She asked me about 30 times how I was, what was I doing, etc. She got mad a few times put my step-dad on the phone, etc. When I told her I was stressed out about working this one job, she says,
"Good"...
I said, Good? It's not good......

~"Well, yes it is that means you are learning something"~ I said yea, but it's hard.

Well, DONE~LIFE IS HARD......

NO SH*T MOM TRACY.......... WHO FRIGGIN KNEW!

I said one more thing I don't even remember what it was, I wasn't mad, didn't raise my voice or anything and she gets all like, CALM DOWN!!!!!
DON'T GET SO , I forgot her exact term, like freaked out or something.
Then she asks me AGAIN, so how are you.

OH MY GOD....... DID I NOT JUST TELL YOU........

UGHHHH................

Lately I always feel so bad every time I talked to her....... I don't know how to not let that woman affect me so.........

I'm not close to my dad at all, sometimes I wish I wasn't close to my mom. This wouldn't bring me to tears every friggin time I talk to her........

Nevermind me, I'm just ranting, because I'm feeling so self-destructive right now.....

velvet

Oh...poor Done.. I'm sorry. You call me and I'll ask you how you're doing and really listen. (even though Carrie accuses me of not even knowing her...WTF)
I really do listen. But, and I'm sure you'll relate, when I've BEEN listening to this 3 minute story and it's 30 min. later....my patience beings to wear thin.!! I start finishing her sentences for her, whoa....wrong move mom........
Well, when your mom is drinking, it's too hard to try to talk. Too bad you can't see how she is before you call. Like walking on egg shells. Don't be too hard on her. I don't know, I'd probably get irritated also. Boy, am I giving bad advice, or what. I'll come back later...try again

Done_With_It

I don't know why I'm complaining. It's my own fault. I KNOW better than to call her after it gets dark, around dinner time, they drink... My step dad is cool, I don't mind him when he drinks, but her.......

I am an idiot for calling, because I should have known better..... Because I DO know better than that. I set myself up.

velvet

It's ok. You're allowed one mistake per week. Good thing it's Friday!

Done_With_It

I just went and found the lists of Alan Meetings. I would have gone to one today but it was at 10:00 am

I'm not sure about these meetings though. It says you have to do the 12 steps. The first step being, admitting we our powerless over alcohol. THAT'S NOT ME, THAT'S HER....

I'm powerless over meth, alcohol is no thing to me, take it or leave it. We have a bar in the living room that is stocked up, doesn't do a thing for me.
So I'm not keen on admitting I'm powerless over the alcohol when that is her deal.

Anyway, I'll check it out. Won't hurt me to check it out I figure. I also joined an email on line meeting. I am hoping to
get more info there.

Anyways, Thanks Velvet, just wanted to let ya know.

Cindi R

****{Done}}}
My daddy's a drunk, too...which is probably why I'm an addict. Not that I didn't experiment with alcohol in my teens, but I never liked the way it made me feel.
In an alanon meeting you're powerless over alcohol I think cause you can't keep them from drinking it.
Although I've never attended an alanon meeting, I've learned a lot from people who have been in that program about "detatching with love"..."boundaries" and those three C's: didn't Cause, can't Control, can't Cure...
most of the info I "learned"...I put to use with my then still practicing husband, who I later divorced.
However, it also helps in dealing with my family, most of who are still drinking, and former friends who are still using...
You have your own solution, just don't call after she's been drinking...
That's exactly what I'd suggest in this situation!

Done_With_It

Thank you Cindi. This is just so hard. If she had any idea that I went to an alan meeting or that I was posting here about it, she would flip out.
I feel like I'm in trouble even as I wrote this. It's weird. I hate this.
I do, Do so much better when I don't call her at night. She's such a different
person in the day time. It's frightening how different she is.

Thank you for your kind words.

velvet

Done, I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years. Twelve years of a marriage that I was the only one involved. I know how you feel. I went to the alanon meetings, drug the older two(they were little, of course) ...I got so frustrated, because I changed, I did everything I was suppose to do, according to alanon...nothing ever changed for him.. Hopefully those meetings will help you, or the AA threads here would be good for you. I just got so tired of doing the "right" thing and it never worked, in my situation. He still drinks, a pint of gin, vodka....whatever he can get nowadays. Thank god, he lives in Seattle. He can't let go of anything. He calls me, usually about Carrie....he starts off yelling, calling me names (that I wouldn't even type) I always just hang up. The only time you can talk to him, rationally, is before 9:00 a.m....after that, it's all down hill. Try calling your mom very early in the day, if you feel the need to talk to her. Just don't get your hopes up for anything special. A's always look for someone else to blame, even if they just walked across the room and tripped....it's always someone elses' fault. It just makes me so angry, with the way they treat people. She loves you, I'm sure, but it's to hard for them to function and show normal emotions. I can't explain it, but believe me I know how your conversations go and how she makes you feel.........and I'm not even listening on the other line.Do what you feel comfortable with...the meetings, I mean. Let me know.

Cindi R

I made a clean break with my ex...
the last time I spoke to him was at my daughters high school graduation in 2004.
The kids call him when they want to see him...and tell me that he's drinking every night now with the new wife who doesn't approve of meth.
He's been gone from "my" house for 3 years now.
I see my dad rarely, at holidays...
I call him early in the day and never have any contact after dark.
My mom's unavailable in her own way, she doesn't drink but has been depressed & suicidal/ "bipolar"/manic/depressive...had nervous breakdowns ever since I was a small child. She's also been diagnosed with multiple other ailments... MS/migraines/fibromialgia/psychosomatic pain disorder

As a result... I learned a long time ago...not to expect very much from these people.
My ex...was the big suprise.
I never really thought he'd choose the dope over the family...
But, in a way...it was my fault. I sorta pushed him away when I saw that it was leaning in that direction.

winterblues

Done with it, I know how you're feeling right now. We should be able to call our mothers at whatever time of day that we feel like it. There shouldn't be any rules as to when we want to vent or say hello. I make myself available for her always, yet never receive the same from her. It's been two weeks now that I've spoken with her because our last conversation was a drunken blow out, and I just can't handle it any longer. It's tearing me up inside that we have no contact, yet it's also comforting that I don't have these upsetting conversations with her daily. Her life is unhappy and she takes it out on everyone around her and brings you to her level. I'm contimplating on giving her a call to try and ammend our dysfunctional relationship that we've once had, but I don't even know what to say? I feel for you it's a never ending battle with this disease, I've thought of attending alanon meetings or seeking a counselor but it seems so unfair that I do all of the effort and she gets to continue living her unhealthy lifestyle meanwhile effecting everyone around her while doing so! For right now I'm keeping my distance, I guess out of sight out of mind.

Done_With_It

Thanks guys! Hearing that I'm not insane for thinking like I do, and that I'm not being over dramatic because I let her affect me so much is relieving. I don't think people understand how it is unless you have lived through a life with an alcoholic mother. Yet we are so close. Just like most things in my life, it's not
too bad, nor it's not great. If she were much worse than she is or if she were really abusive to me in other ways, then I could do what I had to do with my dad and cut her out. But she's not, she's a great mom her drinking just messes up the greatness in her.

It's hard also because I know some of the reasons why she drinks. A big one is her brother's suicide. That changed the whole family. Things never were the same after that. It tore people up inside and still does to this day. He was her little brother. She adored him, and he adored her. He used to come and stay with us all the time. It's hard for me to understand let alone her. There's other stuff too but that's a big one. She's never dealt with his death and I'm sure she never will until they meet in heaven some day, then her pain will end over that. But for now, she is still in pain over it. It was years ago, but she just started saying his name again about 5 years ago, and still not too much. Her eyes well up with tears when she does and she just changes the subject. It's hard to see her in that much pain.

Winter, I see a counselor, I've seen her for years. It takes me a while to open up, and since I've started to trust her more and explore certain aspects of my life with her, it's helped so much.
It is unfair that our mom's won't do the same, I told my counselor one time that I was going to make a T-Shirt that says,
I go to therapy because my parent don't.

lol, She laughed and thought that was so true for many people. But really I don't go to therapy for just my mom, I go to therapy so I don't become my mom. Many things I adore and am glad to have certain traits, but many I'd rather not carry on.
Therapy is great, someone to counter act the bad things that go into your head is so good for you. The good thing about having your own therapist, especially after they get to really know you, is that, they ARE ALWAYS on your side. You don't get the, Well, if you just did this, or if you did it this way. They help you see stuff in a different way.

Anyway, I could relate to what each of you said, Thank You again for all your words because they help....

Phinneas

Wise, wise words, Done. I am proud of you for getting help and working on these issues. We all have family stuff - some choose to work on the core issues and some don't. I do because I want some serenity between my ears some day.

blueglass

Hey Done...

The alcoholic in my family is dead, but my childhood friend's mother is an alcoholic. She has made it a rule over the past 10 years or so that she doesn't talk to her mom after 5pm unless it's an emergency, holiday, or special occasion. It's the only way she's able to have a relationship with her mom without it destroying her. If she does happen to call her and mom's been hittin' the sauce early, she'll "fake" a call waiting beep by hitting the mute button on the phone for a fraction of a second, in mid conversation so her voice cuts out. *lol* Sounds extreme I'm sure, but it works everytime. That way, she can get off the phone without offending her mom or sparking an argument.

winterblues

Done: It's great that you can see past all of the heartache that your relationship with your mother causes you, and still know and remember that she's a great mother. It's hard for me to remind myself of those things, as lately it seems that things have been mostly bad and out of control! Whether it be with the family or the slimy men that she brings into our lives. I will seriously consider seeking counseling in order to work on myself, because keeping my feelings inside is only making me feel worse. I just have to find a good, and affordable counselor in my area. I too have trust issues and find it very difficult to share my skeletons with a stranger for fear of being judged!

Done_With_It

Thank you Phinny, your words always have an impact on me. I think you know that, but I wanted to say thank you anyway.

LOL, I had to laugh because I know that trick all to well. My mom must think I'm awfully popular when she's drunk, or that my phone batteries sure do die a lot. It doesn't sound extreme to me at all. It's the only way to deal sometimes with them I think without making things worse.


Winter

I hope you do make it to therapy. I know the fear of being judged but when you find a good therapist they don't judge you, anything but. They teach you to not judge yourself.
Sometimes it's hard for me to look past the alcohol and see my mom, but if I stick to my rules, like not calling her at certain times, knowing that it's the alcohol talking not her, etc. it helps me to love my mom and hate the alcohol.

There are a lot of sliding scale places out there that work great. You can interview a few people, just go to the ones that don't charge the first time, and see who you feel comfortable with. You will probably find some you click with and some you don't.

The things that made me write this post, why I was so angry at her........ I talked to her all over again and explained some stuff
about it like I did when she was drunk, and sober she was totally different. She saw my points and gave me some empathy, lol, and
I think that's all I wanted. After she gave me some validation,
I knew I was right for being so frustrated. I am working on not
needing her validation for things..... It's just soo hard to not need that from her. ughhhhhhhhh but for now I will just not call her at night anymore, and remember that part, lol....

I had to make that choice yesterday and it was hard, i almost caved in.I wanted to call her and thank her and the dad for my Valentines gift. Usually she calls me in the day, but didn't. I got busy and when I finally had a chance to call her it was night time. I was like, Damn, it's already 6:00 pm. thought I can call, it's okay.......
Then I thought about it's Valentines Day, du, they will be drinking...
I resisted the urge to call her. I really wanted to, but skipped it.
I can call her today and not be hating her for last nights convo.
lol........ ughhhhh somebody give my brain an oil change please.